SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 12:22pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  These Empty Streets Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 16 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    These Empty Streets  (currently 1022 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 9:07am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
These Empty Streets by Andrew Rodriguez - Short, Horror - After a night of partying, two friends stumble upon a gruesome scene in the middle of an empty street. 9 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Lightfoot
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
379
Posts Per Day
0.07
I'm not one for horror, but I enjoyed this even though there are a few issues.

There is spelling errors throughout the script, a few of them looks like you tried to spell two words at once.

In the first bit of action you tell us two times that the lamp posts are giving off a harsh light... a few action lines down you say "He is dragging a woman. He’s dragging her the ankle of one..." besides the clear error you can just simply say that he is dragging her by one of her ankles, we'll get the picture. The last scene on age 7 you explain that the tall man is walking slowly twice.

Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand what happens on page 4...when Luke grabs Sarah, points to the body and she screams. Why are they all of a sudden shocked at  the body again? Seems like they forgot about it somehow.

Also you do not need to capitalize the characters names throughout the entire script, only when they are first mentioned.

I liked the last scene, had a chuckle out of that.

This scripts seems alright to me, just need to patch some stuff up.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: January 25th, 2015, 11:28am Report to Moderator
New


I write.

Location
Atlanta, GA
Posts
110
Posts Per Day
0.02
Your first paragraph is overwritten. I'll edit it down, not add anything.  

Ext. street - night

Deserted. Three lampposts cast a harsh glow for only a short circumference. - This still gets your point across.

The man dragging the woman is CREEPY!

You don't need to capitalize the character's name every time you mention them. Just the first time we meet them.

Dude. You. are. scaring. the SHIT OUT OF ME! Why are her eye open now?! lol! Awesome!!

I saw the ending coming.

Okay, although the tall man's character was creepy, the script needs a page one rewrite. Don't give us camera angels. Luke's action were completely unrealistic to the point where if I were watching this on youtube I would click to the next video, especially when he felt for the girl's pulse.

You said her eyes were now open, it made me believe they were closed at first and that she was maybe willingly allowing this man to carry her around like this. That would have been creepy and interesting.

You should really study more scripts. You put way too much detail. This script could have been 3 or 4 pages.





I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2015, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Andrew,

Comments can sometimes horrify.  If these help thank the stars.

This was a good read, although it would have been better if you hadn't made the couple so stupid.  Or made the man smarter.  the couple seems too dumb for words, and dumb characters are not compelling.

I think you give too many directions.  You might be better off working on story elements and characters.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006