How Can I Forget by Richard Russell - Short, Dramedy - Two odd people meet in a singles bar and discover they both possess the same gift. 11 pages - pdf, format

Hey Richard took a quick read, a few thoughts... just my opinion of course.

1) A man wearing a beret in a singles bar that's not in France... really
2) The sentence - the boobs of the woman with the white wine, reads a little long, maybe just 'the woman with the boobs'

Other than that, I liked it, and even though I saw the ending coming I still found it worked for me. Good job.

Anthony

Richard,

Really enjoyed this. Good back and forth dialogue. Those last five pages flowed past in no time. I didn't predict the ending at all and was pleasantly surprised by the understated way it was done. Good romance/dating based scripts are a rare thing.

Overall, well written - nice job. I very much enjoyed the read.

Perhaps a typo here:
      

Quoted Text       JOEL Don’t remind of the third one. It’ll be awful.

I got confused a little - here you say that they can only see in the future for a few minutes:

Quoted Text EXT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT Cassie and Joel stand on the sidewalk.                   CASSIE How far ahead can you see?           JOEL Minute or two, you?           CASSIE Same.

However, later on in the script that they are talking about events that they see much farther down the line. e.g., they know that their relationship is not going to work out - she knows about his bedroom talents the next morning, etc. Maybe I just read this wrong - but it is either two minutes or so or not.

I love this premise and certainly think you could build a feature around it.  However, I think you should consider one change. Maybe Cassie can only see immediate future (e.g., an hour or less) and Joel can only see a long term future (e.g., a month or more). Their romantic challenge is to change the things that they do/did on an hourly basis to ensure that they end up together on a long term basis. Just a thought.    

All

Thanks for the comments. All are appreciated. I do hav to make the limits of their power more specific.

Best

Richard

Richard,

Asided from the other reviewer comments, I recommend that you delete:

The Woman in Red tosses her drink.
The Man in Green slaps her.
The Man in Orange throws a punch that hits the Man in the Beret.
Who sloshes his drink over the boobs of the Woman with White Wine who SCREAMS.

Since you stated "They stop even as the events they described happen, cascading
one into the other", I believe those four lines are unnecessary.

I enjoyed it.

Ian

Hey Richard, nice short! You've said that comedy isn't what you do best, but I did get some chuckles out of this.

The only problem is that a lot of what happens would be hard to film. Perhaps you could use some sounds instead of visuals - especially in the parts where cars are involved.  The bar scene (with the fight and everything) might also be too "demanding" for a short film. Here's a bold suggestion: Leave it out completely.

Joel and Cassie wait for a cab outside the bar. They exchange a glance, still not knowing each other. Then, without saying anything, they simultaneously take a step - Joel to the right, Cassie to the left. A man is tossed out the door, landing where they had been standing.

CASSIE: You knew.

JOEL: I always know.

Then you could take it from there.

Good stuff though. I enjoyed it.

Manolis

Hi Richard.

An interesting short. I like stories that take ordinary situations and make them extraordinary.

I didn't have any trouble understanding what was going on and the dialogue flowed nicely. An enjoyable tale and a nice little reminder as well that if we could see into the future we may not take risks.

-Mark

All,

Thanks for the reads and the comments.  I agree that this one might be a tough one to shoot.  The actions may have to be toned down, but they fit, I think.

Best
Richard

Richard

Nice trading off in the opening two scenes, mirroring the opposing male and female counterparts on a mission.

"They watch as a long pass goes for a touchdown."

CASSIE
Pay up.

JOEL
Wait.

"As they watch, the play is called back because of a penalty."

JOEL (CONT’D)
Free beer always tastes best.

- I appreciate what you are doing with this exchange and it’s an effective way for the two to break the ice. It’s well written and feels natural. However, in terms of this part in particular, do we not even get a cheer or a first pump from either one when Cassie’s unlikely prediction startlingly comes to pass right on cue? Just before it’s called back for a penalty thus reversing the wager they’ve made. I mean, you couldn’t write that kind of coincidence, you know

Basically, there should have been more reaction from the two seeing these events unfold, it’s so uncanny. Yet they are totally cool and unfazed by the whole episode. It’s the kind of scene you only see in movies, completely removed from how real people would act.

Ok, I see now by page 5 that there is some sort of supernatural clairvoyant element going on here between these two. That’s interesting and changes my impression of the scene I just noted. Reading on…

I'm trying to think how I would feel if I had a friend with Cassie and Joel's power. Would I be as weirded out and put off by it as their friends clearly are? I think I'd find it cool and ask them to do demonstrate it all the time. Hell, I'd use it to my own advantage! I could see it wearing thin for them before it would lose its charm for me

Nice moment when they step aside to let the ejected Man in Orange tumble out of the bar.

“Half a block ahead, a car brakes, skids, and takes out a hydrant...Someone knocks off a flower pot that smashes the sidewalk where they had been standing."

- Does calamity and accidents follow them around or what? As if to test their powers? There have been multiple near misses of varying danger since they left the bar.

I wonder would it be worth having them not foresee a minor collision or event to illustrate that for these few moments their minds are preoccupied on each instead of focusing on what‘s around the corner? Especially since they both admit to not always being right about stuff.

Clever back and forth exchange on page 8, each finishing the other’s sentences. Great job with that.

Some might take issue with the loose and vague parameters of their abilities. I got the impression they can predict events with pin point clarity one or two minutes ahead but after that it becomes less accurate. While occasionally they get flashes of the far future, like Joel's employer going under and Cassie's boss on his business trip. Although, I did question how they were so specific (3rd date implosion!) about what their own relationship had in store. Maybe because its closer to them their senses are sharpened.

The ending felt abrupt and flat, sort of trailed off but this is probably the point, there is not much more to say really, their fate has been written of which they seem powerless to stop…but shouldn’t their prescience alter their course? Give them the tools to avoid their doomed destiny? It’s like in time travel films when someone goes into the past, changes something which has a ripple effect on the future? Since Cassie and Joel know their third date is going to be a disaster won’t they take every measure to safeguard against it? Perhaps not go on the dreaded third date at all. Have two and then move in together, boom, job done, break up avoided!

Overall, this is a decent idea that you handled well for the most part. Tonally, I fear its a little off in that all the catastrophes going on around them that they’re avoiding feel comical and intentionally over the top, dramatized, both to showcase their powers but also to give events a playful, exaggerated quality. Which is fine, it can be amusing. However, on the other hand, the dialogue is a little too serious and straight faced at times. It’s not clunky or forced (actually, it’s solid) but rather overly earnest for what’s going on around them. As a result it feels somewhat ill fitting.

I appreciate you are trying to convey that disappointment and wistfulness of two people who have the foreknowledge that their fledgling relationship is not going to work even though it seems so right at the time. Sort of like what “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind” does in its final scenes and that’s great, I totally understand the mood and delivery of the characters, it just jarred for me within the script’s context. It’s like you wanted to exploit the amusing sensationalism of people who can anticipate actions ahead of time by peppering them with all kinds of slapstick pitfalls and booby traps yet still explore the emotional fallout that comes with such an ability. Its ambitious, I’ll give you that but I little too uneven for a 10 page short.

Obviously this is just my opinion and some will respond to that dichotomy which has its place too. I still admire the concept and what you did with it.

Col.

Hey Richard, I enjoyed this little yarn though I do second Col's observation that it seems danger and near misses follow our two protags about. I mean I would be concerned that if I didn't have the power to see into the future I'd probably be dead by now lol.

I did find this funny and enjoyable, and liked the 'ping pong' dialogue toward the end.

Good stuff

I enjoyed this and I'm tempted to leave it there...

In an ideal world I'd like some more profoundly moving ending, that restores my faith in the world and in love.  But that's asking rather a lot.

All,

Thanks for the comments.  I enjoy the feedback.  Nothing like seeing work through different eyes.

Best
Richard