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Solo by Lee O'Connor - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - An astronaut sets out on a mission from NASA to Saturn's moon, Titan. Going into hyper-sleep he finds himself somewhere other than his expected destination. 18 pages - pdf, format
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First, this is an ambitious effort, and I commend you for that. Notes as I read.
In a small craft in the depths of space there would be no gravity. He wouldn't stand, he would float, unless tethered. I think you might wish to revisit the actions here in the light of zero gravity.
I don't think you need to put too many details about the space craft. It's clean, neat, antiseptic. Enough. Get to the meat of this story.
I don't know how they bathe in space, but I'm guessing it's not a sponge bath?
We get to the little video from his wife, and it's a bit over the top. Yes, she misses him, but they prepared for this, and reminding him of it won't help him in space. Better to stick to boyfriends, the leaky faucet, and the price of eggs?
Why does he remind her of his coming sleep? Presumably they went through the entire trip before he left. They both know it's coming, right?
And the flashback. I'm not sure about this. Make it shorter? And "I can't image...." should probably be "I can't imagine..."
Now, the hyper sleep, and it's good. He's out and things go wrong....ooops..
And we get to the heart of this story, the list of messages, the passage of time that shouldn't have happened. I like the movement here....message after message...
And he can't figure out where he is or how he'll get back. he's way past where he should have been. This is a solid idea. I'm not sure what is happening with all the doors. Losing his mind? passing through a black hole? Or is he dead? Passing into multiple dimensions? I'm not sure here.
And the last scene. Is this supposed to be nothing more than a dream? A glimpse into what might happen? I'm not a big fan of the 'oh, it was just a dream' solution to a story. But that's me.
Overall, this is a pretty good first effort at a tough idea. Alone in space, dead to the world, and something goes wrong to the point where return is impossible, at least return to the wrold he knew.
Because this is a 13 year round trip, the craft is not your generic one, so it is made into living quarters, almost like home to keep his mind stable. In regards to zero gravity, engineers have manipulated zero gravity to make it more of a homely feel, the effect of not being on a spacecraft. If this makes sense? This mission will take place in 2020, so by then this may put into a craft by then.
And yes, in space they use a sponge bath. It's overly described as clinical because that is what a spacecraft is, it's not what you see on film as such, it's far more clinical, minimal and boring.
I'm not sure anyone who has a family is prepared for that amount of time apart, regardless if they have already spoke about it. 13 years is a long time, and they have already been apart for two, the emotions are bound to come through.
"And he can't figure out where he is or how he'll get back. he's way past where he should have been. This is a solid idea. I'm not sure what is happening with all the doors. Losing his mind? passing through a black hole? Or is he dead? Passing into multiple dimensions? I'm not sure here."
- Yes. He steps into another dimension, the fifth dimension, which is the vision of super position. Which enables Hendrik to view millions of scenarios or paths in his life, this is what he is observing. But at the same time we are also lead to believe he could be losing his mind. So, is he lost in another dimension, lost in space time? Or did he even wake up from his hyper sleep at all? The question still remains.
Thanks for your comments.
I am producing this one my myself with a very talented team and an awesome set, so you can expect to see this in the film festival circuit later this year and early next year.
It does have a very 'Moon' feel in the opening sequences - right down to the communication with the wife and him with his exercising regime etc. I'd try to introduce something in this opening that is not quite so 'seen it all before'. I don't know give me some humour considering the rest is a bit on the gloomy side - it would add contrast and break it up for what's to come - perhaps he roller-skates around the ship, or paints his nails or makes lego towers - I know that might sound ludicrous but it would be out of the box and I think you need something for contrast.
I like the direction you took the story and the different paths he can take/did take - did he take this path or that? And, the scenes where they all age and die, with him still floating around - that's really quite scary. If you can transfer some of these great emotions to the screen you'll be doing well - all in the casting I expect.
Overall, this is a little on the long side - I'd look to edit some of that as Richard suggested - there are plenty of opportunities to do this and not sacrifice plot. You've got a lot of typos and punctuation errors throughout the script too but I'm guessing as you're filming this yourself that these errors are not high on your radar. That being said I think it makes you look more pro if you do. They're minor things - your, you're - omissions of apostrophes etc.
Tightened up a bit this could be really something. I don't imagine it'd be easy to make - wow, you've already got a set for this? I hope you'll post some clips/still shots info, on how the shoot progresses.
Good luck with this, Lee, and all the best with the shoot.
Thanks for the feedback. You obviously know more about this than I do. Last thought. If mission control can send messages, why can't they fix the ship? Or at least try to fix the ship? If the have no coordinates of the ship, how do they communicate? You probably already know the answer
Thanks for comments LC. Yeah the typos etc have already been sorted, this is the first draft and the ending has slightly changed for the shooting script.
The idea of this is that Hendrik is isolated, an arduous journey, boring and regimented. I wasn't really looking for something full of action or excitement just the pure experience of real space exploration. I wanted us to feel his long journey with him.
The set has been sorted, green screens, crew, directors all in place, even a single flight deck area. Exciting times. I will keep everyone posted.
Richard - the messages mission control have sent are in the past, it takes Hendrik a while to figure this out after he has awaken from hyper sleep. His location is unknown to mission control because he's fell off the grid and into a black hole.
I too got a 'Moon' feeling from this but hey, I love that film lol
I got a real sense of isolation from the opening and Henrik's loneliness on his epic journey.
The panic he feels comes across well but I wasn't sure about the ending. It's interesting enough and done well but you lost the isolation feel with him jumping back in time. I just think it would have been stronger with a different ending...I'm not sure what though lol.
A good piece of work nonetheless.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
I liked this for the most part, although I found it a little confusing at the end (I eventually caught up). I did not care for this dialogue:
Quoted Text
MIKE As you are well aware from the Intel from Cassini, large deposits of hydrocarbon have been discovered on Titan. This is the first stable bodied surface liquid found outside of Earth. Hendrik, we are preparing a mission to launch to this moon. After a meeting with my superiors, we believe you are the right man for the job.
It seemed really forced - like you had to get the entire premise of the story into a single statement from Mike. I would either break it up. e.g.,
MIKE As you know, large deposits of hydrocarbons have been discovered on Titan.
HENDRIK Yes, I got the Intel from Cassini.
etc.
The only other hiccup for me was the 13 year journey. I could not get my head wrapped around the premise that a man would leave his family for 13 years. Particularly a man that - at least from his reaction to the video transmissions - is really into his family. I know it is a real nit - but something like a 4 year mission seemed more realistic. Solid effort
...The idea of this is that Hendrik is isolated, an arduous journey, boring and regimented. I wasn't really looking for something full of action or excitement just the pure experience of real space exploration. I wanted us to feel his long journey with him. ...
Lee, I wasn't suggesting action or even excitement. I was suggesting contrast. I think you did well conveying the mood you're after of the arduous journey but films even shorts are about pacing.
With that in mind I suppose I just wanted to see something different with your opening - I know it's hard and there's only so much you can do with one character in a spacecraft but I think you have an opportunity to do something with your opening that is unlike 'Moon' - your signature - something out of the box, so to speak.
Feel free to ignore my suggestions. In the end obviously it's entirely up to you, your baby and all that, so no need to even respond to this. I suppose I was just trying to encourage you to do something different with that opening scene. Easy for me to say, right?
LC you may be right, the script is still being looked over and we want to make this as unique as possible, the last thing we want this project to be is another remake of another. I will seriously consider looking into changing the beginning.
Hi Eldave - when the mission to Titan takes place it will take 6 1/2 years to get there, I wanted to step away from the generic mars mission and add something different. I wanted this project to be real and also an insight of what is to come in the future. But yes you may be right with his family but there has been many astronauts who have travelled without their families in space for a long time, look at Mars, some of them have been there for nearly thirty years without their families. The point is that on this mission he regrets ever going on it, but this is all up for interpretation as he may not have gone at all.
Again thanks for the support folks, I will consider all your suggestions.
NASA haven't put people on Mars yet. Unless it was a top secret mission. Obama recently said they don't expect an attempt on a man-led mission to Mars till the mid 2030s.
Still way off from what? If the sentence says the ship is 800 miles from the sun then that is what ii is, so how is that still way off? and the ship is nit almost at Titan, it has another 80-90 million miles to travel, yes 80-90 miles is nearly there compared to 800 but still depending on the gravity during that distance still could take longer than 800 miles.
Titan mission is set to launch between 2016-2022 but are attempting to get a flight plan together for 2020.
You can believe what you want to believe in terms of people being on mars or not being on mars but I don't listen to what so called world leaders tell me, I guess I just refuse to be a fool and decided to take my head out of my ass and look at the facts in front of me. All the answers are there, you just need to look at them and find them. Don't be afraid to be a free thinker.
This is your opinion, it isn't fact, and the same could be said for me, yes you are a sceptic, that is your right to be. But do some research, and then step in to my shoes with people who I know and speak with. You don't know me and I don't intend to tell you anything about me. I'm merely trying to educate my knowledge through the art of film, and I will do that when I make this short this summer.
And I could give you facts that they have already gone to mars. But beside all of that what mistakes? Besides the distance of where the ship is to the sun? It's a story regardless if it is true or not and what you believe doesn't matter. It's not a mistake just because on your belief system.
So what if nasa scraps their flight plan to Titan on 2020 and change it to 2040 which is more likely but that has no reflection on my script, that's a minor detail.
I don't think you're seeing this story for what it is.
So let's keep the comments on the script, like you say let's leave it at that. But if you want to continue the debate on who's right and wrong send me private message and we will discuss it that way.
- Great astronaut's name. Just seems very fitting.
I like how you methodically show his routine in the opening couple of pages, sets the tone and conveys the monotony of such an existence. Recalls those procedural scenes in 2001: A Space Odyssey and the isolation of Moon, no mean feat.
Is it too easy for me to draw a comparison to Interstellar in the video message scenes between Hendrik and Saskia? Did you write this before or after you watched it? Presuming you did see it.
MIKE That’s the difficult part. It’s a one man mission. A single craft. A thirteen year round trip in complete isolation.
- Would they offer a married man such a lengthy mission? One of the details mentioned in the novel of 2001: A Space Odyssey is that Bowman and Poole are chosen for the mission, for their expertise yes, but also because they have no familial ties.
It’s conceivable of course that Hendrik is the best guy for the job so he should be chosen so I wonder could you give him some character point or a specialized skill which means he is really the only guy for this mission. Perhaps he went on a similar mission before he got married or something. Just a suggestion.
HENDRIK (CONT’D) Listen, I could not image being Away…
- “Image” should be “imagine”
“classical MUSIC sounds throughout the craft.”
- Nice, very 2001-ish, which is always a good thing in my books.
HENDRIK Well this is it sweetheart, the long haul until I will be able to speak to you again. I wish I had more time to say goodbye. I love you both so much. Eden look after your Mother and do well in school. Saskia, I will be dreaming about you, I love you forever baby. I’ll send you a transmission as soon as I can.
- You'd imagine he would say more given he's going under for 2 years but I get that you can't write some 3 page long speech either. Plus, he's been in space for a few years now so the transmissions have presumably become more regimented and routine.
“opens a draw,”
- “draw” should be “drawer”
“He puts away the bowl, glances at his watch”
- What bowl? You use "the" as if we should know it. Sorry, very pedantic indeed!
I’m really immersed in it now to see what went wrong during his hyper sleep; the ominous starry void staring back at him, the waiting messages on his monitor. Has he gone off course and now drifting in deep deep space? Or overslept Rip Van Winkle style! Something is clearly wrong anyway. Reading on…
Yeah by page 11 it is certainly leaning more towards Interstellar with the vast passage of time and life spanning messages from home. Which for me is a bit of a problem as I wasn’t a big fan of that film.
“Hendrik covers his mouth, shocked, tears stream down his face.”
- I mean, that’s pure McConaughey right there!
SASKIA (V.O) Stay calm, Hendrik.
"Hendrik turns, the voice came from behind - no one there."
- Interesting, these ghostly intimations of his loved one invokes Solaris and how that film plays with the mind of the characters, resulting in apparitions/hallucinations and manifestations of your deepest thoughts. The 1972 Tarkovsky version is one of my favorite sci-fi films so again, a compliment. More Solaris and less Interstellar please
“Hendrik pushes through the door, stands in the doorway - it’s Mike Edgington’s NASA office. Hendrik sits opposite Mike, talking.”
- Unfortunately this is getting much too like Interstellar for my tastes. Even if I loved the film I would still consider the similarities too blatant in regards the time twisting, multiple worlds Hendrik is coming in and out of it. The door metaphor feels uninspired and familiar too, been done before a thousand times...whether it’s all in his mind or the result of entering some wormhole remains to be seen…
HENDRIK Saskia, where are you?
- Can we get a variation on the "Where are you?" line. He's said it three times now.
HENDRIK The fifth dimension. The doors are giving me my life in different scenarios.
- Yeah, by now you've lost me I’m afraid. I didn't dig this plot development in Interstellar so I’m not going to like it here, sorry. Plus, once again, the rip off is egregious, especially for a film that came out within the last 6 months.
Besides, the dialogue itself is just pure exposition, something which repeatedly bogged down Interstellar too. On top of that there is no explanation that Hendrik has passed into some 5th dimension. He is just speculating based on his own beliefs (ok, the evidence is pretty strong with all these door leading to different times in his life) but what about the layman reader?
I mean, only for Interstellar most of us won’t have a clue what he’s talking about. With the knowledge of seeing that film we can perhaps fill in the blanks and surmise that he must have inadvertently entered a wormhole or whatever but we should get some indication of this within your script so it works on its own terms without the reader needing to have watched Nolan’s film.
It’s a pity because this started really well, I was intrigued by the scenario and appreciated the allusions to other films as I’ve mentioned. What I wanted to see most was where you would take it...hopefully in a fresh and unexpected direction. Half way through when he wakes up from his hyper sleep and something is clearly amiss I was glued to it, great tension and build up there as Hendrik gradually realizes all is not right.
Unfortunately, it just became a carbon copy of the film-I-shall-not-mention-because-I-have-too-many-times-already and I was cast adrift (much like Hendrik) for the last third.
Thanks for the read Col your comments are always much appreciated.
Quite a lot of what you have read has been changed and a final draft has been completed. We also felt (like most people have commented) that this was to similar to what is out there already.
With the direction we want to take this, we hope to achieve a new angle on visuals to make this project unique. We certainly do not want to make a replica of another film like 2001 or interstellar.
I'd rather not make it so blatantly obvious to what has happened to Hendrik, I think the audience or at least an intelligent audience will know exactly what is happening, especially when entering another dimension. (not calling you unintelligent by any means)
I intend to make films for intelligent audiences who engage in the story not just daydream looking at the screen, I don't want this to hit the big time nor do I want it to be filled with action packed scenes. If I want to have a character stuck in a white room lost in space for 20mins and film it then thats what I will do. My original idea was to go into more depth in the fifth dimension but that would be an endless cycle of a film. Someone will appreciate what I do and unfortunately i'm sad to say, that is a very small market.
And just for the recored I started writing this quite a while back way before interstellar, I just don't have the millions of dollars to get my projects off the ground quick enough, but I guess a projects will always be compared to another.
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