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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Life is Good Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Life is Good by Tony Dionisio - Short, Drama - A phone operator at a suicide prevention hotline becomes overwhelmed when three desperate people all call at the same time. 8 pgs. - pdf, format


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Grandma Bear  -  August 12th, 2015, 7:30am
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LC
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Don, getting a 404 error on this one. Can't access the file.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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LC
Posted: February 27th, 2015, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS FOLLOW:

Starting with a couple of technicalities, you've got:

Guy on line #4
Caller #2
Raspy Old Lady

I'd be consistent with the caller's descriptions - either call them Line/Caller 1, 2, 3, etc. and give their individual descriptions i.e., raspy voiced old lady in description lines which might get confusing or just name them after their personalities: old lady, thug, drunk etc. It got a bit confusing and at one point I kept looking for who's who, and also for #3.

Anyway, that can be cleared up easily enough.

With regard to your set up I had a little bit of trouble buying some of this in the beginning. This is a counseling service obviously but I dunno a suicide help-line with a motto of 'life is good' - I think it I were suicidal or depressed that name might be kinda off-putting because it's the direct opposite of how I'd be feeling and I'd find it insulting. Would you ring a hot-line with that overly twee/catchphrase name?

I get the whole set-up and the banned words and it's pretty amusing but I'm on the fence about it. Part of it just sounds a little too tongue in cheek and doesn't quite work for me - perhaps they could have some witty euphemisms for words like 'suicide'.

The main thing is I think you have to decide if this is drama or a comedy. It's listed as drama but most of what I read I interpreted as straight up comedy or black comedy.

As for what is effectively your punchline, that might have come off better too imh if we have a bit of back story re Charlie's life. As it is Charlie comes off as perfectly in control and capable and intelligent. His only real problem appears to be he has a miserable cold and he has to juggle all these callers.

Your central idea is solid - the irony of someone working on a help-line such as this - being left alone to man all the calls at once - getting sicker and more fed up with the whinging, whining, depressed callers, and them all vying for his attention - it's a great idea. However, I think it would work better if we get more of Charlie in this scenario - give Charlie a last straw moment - perhaps have his wife be caller #4 - perhaps she's nagging him about something or perhaps she tells him she's having an affair or leaving him - link his home-life to all of this somehow.  The ending is clever but I did see it coming.

Some other notes as I read:

Overall there needs to be a bit more set-up to some of the conversations in the initial stages:

Tell me where you are and I'll get you help
I think Charlie would start by trying to engage the person in conversation to distract or talk them down before calling 911. Lead me into it more, give it some build-up. Alternately, intercut to shots of these other people i.e., about to dive off a bridge, surrounded by cops, hundreds of pills on a table - person about to swallow them/bottle of scotch etc.

On another note:

This below:

(coughs like a 4-pack-a-day
smoker for 25 yrs. average
even after he learns about his
tumorous lung polyps.
)


Tony, that's one hell of a wrylie and it's overdone and not phrased terribly well. Anything over a few words really should be on a description line, not in parentheticals.

Also, spell out, for the most part, numbers in screenplay writing.

This banter that begins with:
GUY ON LINE #4 (PHONE)
You sound like shit.

That's really funny.

The presumption is the caller phoning in has the huge problem and the fact he already identifies someone is worse off (or at least sounds worse) than him, and says 'you sound like shit' is really funny.

This line below I felt needed a segue.

GUY ON LINE #4 (PHONE)
The cop is right in front of me,
bro. I’m gonna make him take me
out.


That line is too abrupt imo, appears to be mid-conversation. Even if he announces: 'I'm standing right in front of a cop, bro and I'm gonna make him take me out ' - to me it sounds as if he should preface this line with something else.

It also looks as if an extra line (white space) in formatting here might need to be taken out?

Shutters at his mistake...

I'd say 'shudders at his mistake' but perhaps it's different usage where you come from.

I like the way Charlie challenges guy #4 about the guns and Texas and the to'ing and fro'ing there, that's some terrific back and forth dialogue.

It's also good that guy#4 sounds like a different character with his dialogue. Well done there. As it is we only hear their voices so you've succeeded in differentiating the character's voices.

I’m won’t help you commit - that doesn't sound right to my ear even with different usage. Perhaps it's a typo - 'I won't help you...' or 'I'm not going to help you... '

Is there a caller/line #3? in all that back and forth?
I think this gets back to what I said upfront that you need to be consistent with what you name your callers.

To sum up: I think you really need to decide if this is comedy or drama or mainly comedy or mainly drama - (although you do seem to write with a comedic style). Then tweak it a bit so that the ending packs more of a punch.  Very enjoyable.

** Jeepers, that was a bit long, wasn't it? Proves I enjoyed it.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: February 27th, 2015, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hey LC,

Thx for the detailed review. Much appreciated. It's my little dive into irony.

Line 3 or caller 3 was 911 that Charlie eventually hangs up on. I'll tey to clear that up. I agree it was confusing about the callers. The purpose was to overload the one person that shouldn't get overloaded.

Hm, I don't recall listing this as anything other than 'short'  I guess dark comedy.

I'm disappointed you didn't pick up on my Airplane 2 Shatner 'blinking and beeping'

Shudder is correct,  good job proofing and thnx.

Tony
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LC
Posted: February 27th, 2015, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, right the Shatner thing.  

I see now what you're going for. And in that case I think you can easily work into the script more of Charlie's quiet hysteria mounting and mounting until that final denouement.  That's why I suggested you have his wife call in. The trick will be in not forecasting the ending.

There's some good stuff in here Tony - forgot to say I liked the 'Merle from Walking Dead' line of dialogue.

Charlie becoming steadily more unhinged I think you need more of his reactions to lines like this one:

CALLER #2 (PHONE)
You’re not very good at this.

Edit out this following line:
I wish Claire didn't get sick.

It lessens the impact of the first but otherwise that's a classic line you can capitalize on.

I'll definitely read a draft 2 if you come up with one, but hey this is just my opinion see what others think.


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RichardR
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Tony,

Comments are never so serious that bodily harm should be contemplated.  Read as far as you wish.

I'll add notes as I read.

Opening scene is reasonable.  Dialogue could be a bit shortened...rest on up could be rest up....already home with the flu could be home with the flu.  Humans tend to use as few words as possible, especially with friends or family or co-workers, sometimes to the point of being cryptic.

Next scene.  Charlie's sick.  RASPY VOICE OLD LADY might become RASPY OLD LADY.  I'm not fond of Charlie's greeting.  Sounds more like a pitch.  Since I've never called a suicide hot line, I don't know the protocol.  If it's like calling a doctor, you get the 'if this is a true emergency, hang up and call 911'.  But I'm guessing people who call the hot line aren't that gung ho on suicide.  They just want to unload on someone.  

Lines light up like crazy, and Charlie is overwhelmed.  The old lady on the ledge, the guy with the pills, Charlie can't even handle his 911 call.  I like the old lady's comment about the slippery ledge.  Throw in a line about the people below telling her to jump, and you make my day.

The suicide by cop thing doesn't work for me.   I can't see a guy confronting the police and takig the time to call the help line.  Although, I do like the conversation, Charlie telling the guy about his own firearm.  

And the payoff.  Charlie, the helper, becomes a victim.  And here is where you lose me.  I don't see much setup for Charlie to off himself.  Why is his life so unbearable, because he can't handle all the phones?  Now, if you give him no place to go, no one to hold onto, no prospects for anything better, prehaps a fatal disease, then I might go along with this.  He's a little sick, and he's a bit overwhelmed.  I would think that he would shoot the phone long before he shoots himself.  

The idea of a suicide counselor actually committing suicide is one worthy of exploring, and I applaud your effort.  And I think you purposefully made the old lady a  jumper (something women seldom do) and the guy a pill taker (something men don't often do), and that works for me.  Charlie isn't exactly the typical counselor either.  The suicide by cop thing could work too.  You might try putting him inside a house, and he has a gun, a toy gun, and a bullhorn in the background says to 'come out with your hands up'.  That would sell it.

In any case, I think a few tweaks here and there would improve this.  

Best
Richard
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Gabriel Slater
Posted: March 1st, 2015, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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This was a really easy short to read. It's definitely a dark-comedy, and therefore realism to me isn't as important as others put emphasis on...
The ending I don't think give the rest of the screenplay justice- I know it's meant to be ironic, but there doesn't seem enough reason for him to commit suicide... His job was unbearable- so quit it, his cold was terrrible- so go to bed, you get me. I liked the comment earlier, how he could have recieved a text or call from a girlfriend, family member or something that sent him off the edge. Maybe he could have a heart-attack or something... I dunno- it's your script!
Somebody mentioned it earlier- but I'll repeat- I'd get rid of (coughs like a 4-pack-a-day smoker for 25 yrs. average even after he learns about his tumorous lungo polyps.) parenthetical. Too long winded!
I think you could change Charecter titles too something like Raspy Old Woman, Druggy (Caller 2), Perky Police Cop, Brooklyn Bad ass, or something like that- so they're more memorable/ easier to follow...
As others mentioned- the old lady on the ledge, the guy on pills- awesome callers. I like the title too- simple and catchy...
Keep it up! Maybe make the short a bit longer and add even more frustrating/ funny dialouge pushing Charlie to his limits! That'd be my advise...



[b][/b]Gabriel Slater - Attorney / Founder: The Audience List. Vote for the best unsold screenplay of the year. http://www.theaudiencelist.com
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SAC
Posted: March 2nd, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Tony,

How's it going?

I loved the comedic premise of this, but it lost something by the end. I think if you tidy this up you have a very funny story here.

I suspect you did your homework on the suicide hotline rules. While I can't verify them they sounded realistic enough for me.

Your use of asides, especially the one within the parenthetical, was just totally unnecessary. Are you trying to make the reader laugh, or are you trying to make an audience laugh? The audience ain't gonna laugh at something they can't see.

While I did like this, it almost feels like you didn't take it seriously beyond a certain point. With the asides, your name on the title page (Tony D.), and having FADE OUT on an unnecessary page all by itself. Do you want to get this made or what? Because with the right actors I can really see this being a funny film.

Really, I believe this needs to be cleaned up some. Your ending felt very abrupt. Would you consider Charlie sneezing and his gun going off accidentally. Because him offing himself because he's swamped with phone calls doesn't sit we'll with me. But, that's just me, Tony.

Anyway, good luck with this. I enjoyed it.

Steve


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SAC
Posted: March 2nd, 2015, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Tony,

Did not notice it was listed as drama. Libby sounds right in saying black comedy. I just took it as straight up comedy.

Steve


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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hey everyone,

Thx for the feedback. I got a few ideas to clean this up, based on all of your recommendations. I will post.

Yes, the parenthetical was a joke for the reader. I know to keep them short and use em sparingly. The moment got me, lol.

Tony
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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 7th, 2015, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Tony,

I kinda sorta maybe just skimmed through the comments everyone else left, but here is my own input, and apologies if they've already been said:

I know someone's said this but you have to find a way to differentiate the callers. They sounded similar but at the same time they didn't, in the way that they had different things to talk about but the way you wrote their dialogue were similar to one another. I had trouble remembering who was who and which way they were planning to commit suicide. Half of them sounded like they had the same accent, the other half sounded similar to how they were planning on killing themselves (taunting Charlie with committing suicide: 'crunch, crunch, crunch' and 'it's getting slippery here'). Make someone sound so hopeless that you think they're going to do it right then and there, and have Charlie fight back. I get it's a dark comedy, but at least give Charlie some emotion, despite his cold and the sense of being overwhelmed! It's a suicide hotline, not a stranger with time to listen.

The script, albeit short, went way too fast for me. Have him talk to at least one or two of the callers for a page or two before he really starts to get overwhelmed. Give us some character development of Charlie, and maybe the first or second caller. Otherwise, Charlie sounds as weak as anybody who really does want to commit suicide considering he shot himself within five minutes of getting calls. That's just my thought on the situation and the flow of the story.

Despite those comments, I did really enjoy the idea, especially the dialogue. You did it well, and I liked the back and forth banter that Charlie had with some of the callers. I want more of that. If it's a comedy, give us more because you only let us have a sip. Especially since the film is set in one location and on one character. Get creative with it and don't opt out too early in the screenplay because what you had was funny and interesting, it just ended way too fast for me.

Sean
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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 11th, 2015, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Members,

I'm sorry that I forgot about this. I went back and made the changes as per all of your suggestions.

I wasn't sure how to expand on it, or sure if it's even in me to do -- so I'll link to the new version.

If a moderator is around, do I just e-mail an update with a link to the existing thread or how does that work?

For now:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/vjkr3f7fflpzlzj/Life%20is%20Good%208-11-15.pdf?dl=0

Thank,

Tony.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 12th, 2015, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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Done.  


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Sandro
Posted: August 12th, 2015, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Tony,

Funny how just yesterday you said that my script is riddled with errors while yours contains about twice as much. Here's a few of the biggest ones:


Quoted Text
CHARLIE
Like Merle from the Walking Dead --
after he changed.


Good way to briefly alienate people who've never seen it.


Quoted Text
Tacked to the wall of every cubical: RULE #1: NEVER USE THE
WORDS "DEAD" or "DIE."

Charlie then shakes his head at his blunder.


Charlie has to be described looking at it or seeing it for the audience to know why he's shaking his head.


Quoted Text
CALLER #2, sounds like... who cares, actually.


Um... all your readers/viewers do, hopefully. You're also missing a question mark, but it's a terrible idea to ask your readers a question anyway. Takes you way out of the story.


Quoted Text
FEMALE 911 OPERATOR (PHONE)
Sir, are you alright.?


Lose the period.


Quoted Text
CHARLIE
Life is good, what?


What, indeed. Is he interrupted? Then you're missing a (double) hypen at the end. Is he rudely asking "what"? Then there should be a full stop after "Life is good".


Quoted Text
CHARLIE
See'ns how I've been way better,
I'm inclined to agree.


Why does he all of a sudden speak like a mobster? Not that what he's saying makes sense anyway. Of cours he's been better, he's not had the flu all his life.


Quoted Text
GUY ON LINE #4 (PHONE)
Oh, ya. What kinda pis-tole ya got?


Oh, ya? Is he from Brooklyn or Fargo? And I've never heard a New Yorker pronounce pistol as pis-tole.


Quoted Text
GUY ON LINE #4 (PHONE)
Dat's a phat piece, bro. Back in
Brook, I got a one-nine-one-one.


Phat? Now he's a cool, urban youth?

There are many more errors but my fingers are getting raw from typing.

I agree with the majority; you have a solid concept, which you, sadly, degenerate with bugger and snot humour (kind of disrespectful to the real suicide hotline operators) and your ending is more concerned with being shocking and surprising than anything else.

Seeing as how you also leave the destinies of all the callers up in the air, perhaps you might consider something different: Charlie shoots the gun, all the callers are shocked and start talking to each other in confusion. They ask each other if they know where he is to maybe come over to se if he's still alive or whatever. Then, at very end you reveal Charlie sitting in his chair with the smoking gun in his hand pointed at the ceiling.

Just a thought I had. Overal, despite the hiccups, it wasn't a bad read. Hope to see a revision.


Sandro
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