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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Gifted Photographer Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Gifted Photographer  (currently 3431 views)
Don
Posted: March 1st, 2015, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Gifted Photographer by Ian J. Courter - Short, Drama - A photographer pays a housecall to shoot a family portrait where his true talent becomes apparent. 8 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 3rd, 2015, 1:08pm
5th draft
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SAC
Posted: March 1st, 2015, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Ian,

Not so sure what to make of this one. Well written for the most part but it left me scratching my head a bit.

Opening slug says 1900, then FALL. I believe those should get put onscreen in a TITLE or a SUPER, whichever you prefer.

I get the feeling like I've missed something with this. Was there a connection to the deli (Hauptmann) and the photographer (Houtman)? If there is a connection then I'm lost, if not it was a little confusing seeing as both could be construed to have the same pronunciation and it makes it a little confusing.

Why did you not give man and woman proper names? Both had speaking parts, although not much. I feel it would have brought me in a little closer to the characters here if given names.

SPOILERS

So, was Linda dead the whole time? Did Houtman pull a Jack Kevorkian on her? I'm not sure if the undertakers had been notified beforehand, or were they summoned after she died. Those are a few of my questions.
And Linda was talking about going to school, too. So, what gives?

You built up good suspense, as I knew "something" was going to happen and I wanted to see what it was. That kept me reading.

Steve


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Iancou
Posted: March 1st, 2015, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read.

I was just using what I thought was standard format for the slug to ensure the director made it a shot during the fall season. The colorful leaves on the trees in the opening would be the visual part.

As for deli name and the photographer, I need to make them different. There is no connection for this one. Only the fact she took a spill that left her paralyzed.

I wrestled with the names. I will add them in the revision.

SPOILER...

Yes, she was dead the whole time. This is a quick view of the Victorian-era fad of memorial portraiture (post-mortem photography) where a family would have a family photo with the recently deceased to remember them before they were buried. In this case, Houtman is also someone with the ability to "commune with the dead" and ease their transition (His name is for a Biblical figure). I purposely chose words, like "move on", "let her go", etc., then the final discussion with the undertaker and the apprentice. They had been summoned before the photographer since she had died that morning.

Note: I purposely chose a Dutch name (New Amsterdam) with the intimation that he was older than his thirties.

I see I have some work to do. My biggest hurdle or conundrum is how I can balance the fact she is dead with Houtman's ability to communicate with her so the audience clearly understands that at the end and slaps their forehead with the realization they "knew" it all the time, but it kind of twisted their perception of reality. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback as that will help me in the subsequent rewrite.


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SAC
Posted: March 2nd, 2015, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Ian,

I understand now. Never knew that that was a fad... At any time. Still, I don't know enough people actually know that. I guess that's what had me confused.

Perhaps if you reveal Houtmanns gift earlier you might think about taking this story to a different place. There are certainly a lot of possibilities with this.

Steve


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RichardR
Posted: March 3rd, 2015, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Ian,

I often wish I had a photographic memory.  Alas, all too limited here.  View all comments through a jaundiced lens.

I like the idea of the phtographer communicating with the dead, but it's not clear in the story.  I asumed he came for a final photo before he kills her in some fashion.  And how do people know he communicates?  Because he tells them?

Mom and Dad don't seem upset enough for me.  But those days probably called for a stiff upper lip.  They don't sound as if she's already dead.  That's me.

The last scene, the casket loading, seems like a last effort to clue in the audience as to the photographer's ability to talk to the dead.  I'm not sure it works.  

I like the idea and understand how it came about.  Good luck with it.

Best
Richard
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alffy
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian

I would suggest including the year in a SUPER.

I wonder why you didn't give the father and mother names?

On to the story and it was very good, although I twigged the twist pretty early but that's simply because I recently read about the photographers who captured the dead.  Pretty morbid but as most families didn't take photographs of their children when they were alive it was at least a way to help remember them.  They do look pretty creepy though.

There were a few instances when I thought you could have trimmed it a little.  I think there was a part near the beginning were you wrote that the door was glass and then that you could see someone through the glass; the second glass could probably be cut and it would still read okay.

Overall, a pretty good little short.


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Iancou
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Steve, Richard, and Allfy,

This was both difficult and easy for me. Difficult in the sense it is outside my comfort zone as a borderline horror script. I have always been a SciFi, drama, and comedy kind of guy. It was easy in that, like you Allfy, I had recently read about the memorial photographers from one of those clickable links on Facebook. It was literally an epiphany and took me about a combined total of three or four hours to write. I have never had such an experience and wish more instances like that would happen. Hopefully, it's not a fluke.

I have already addressed most of the points you all have made and a few others I caught during the revision. I have given the parents names and fixed the window issue. I hope to post the revision in a week or so. I am also revising Snow Job (Lorraine Sanchez) as well, so there's more on the way. Unless another epiphany smacks me in the head, I will be shifting back to revising my feature-length scripts.

Thank you all for taking time to read it over. I look forward to reading your future works as well.


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DebbieM
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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This had a nice ghostly feel to it, I love the setting.
I wanted to know more about Houtman, he seems like a mysterious character, which is a good thing. I think you could have added more eeriness to how he can talk to the dead, just to give it that extra punch.
I love how its based around those victorian photographs, was definitely a strange tradition.
Very good, I enjoyed it.
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Iancou
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Debbie. I am mulling over several different routes I can take this one. There is a potential for creepiness in this one, but I am steering away from that. I was also trying to subtly highlight the contrast between a beautiful, sunny day and the death of a person in the "spring" of her life.

Glad you enjoyed it.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ian

Couldn't resist giving this a read, fascinating and macabre subject! All thoughts are just my opinion of course.

Overall I liked, but wonder if it some of the dialogue about moving on and such is a little too revealing initially?

Was my understanding that the photographers had sort of scaffolding type equipement to get the people into the right pose(s), wonder if that could be woven in?

Only thing that didn't work for me in this version was the ending with the undertakers, they seem to serve the purpose of explaining what's happened... I think there must be a way of 'showing' not 'teling' this element.

Good job though.

Anthony




Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Iancou
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Thanks for the read.

I ran into a dilemma on this one. In the initial version, I tried to be subtle at first, but ran into a situation where many readers didn't understand what this was... a story about a memorial portraiture photographer. This topic is not widely known to most people. I knew what it was in a vague way myself, but before I came across the topic by chance, I realized just how widespread it was in Victorian times.

I addressed some, maybe all of your points (and other readers) in a revision due to post here soon. I ended up keeping the undertaker, but changed the dialogue somewhat in an attempt to make it less about telling what the story was about or a wrap-up. Hope it reads better.

Ian


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ian

Yep can see the issue you have, not many people will have ever heard of the process and you can't write scrpts just for wirdo's like me

I Look forward to seeing the new draft wehn it goes up.

Anthonyh


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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Iancou
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Just got notification it should be posted tonight. It will probably be morning for you folks on Greenwich mean time.

This was actually my first foray into this genre. Usually a SciFi, drama, and comedy type of guy.

Ian


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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I'll give it another whirl... see if you've added a mad interviewer or bigfoot running round in the background

Oh, there's a way to post your own updates whenever you want if you're interested?

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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Iancou
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, I am interested. I sometimes feel like I am bugging Don when he has so many other things going on.

Also, I forgot to say something about your previous post about the frames used to prop up people. My research into it showed that the prop rods and other things were used when cameras had long shutter speeds and something was needed to keep people still during the long exposure needed to get the shot. If there were no prop rods in the old ones, it was a sign that the person was already dead, so being still was not an issue. Another sign was that a family shot that had all but one member slightly blurry indicated that the still one was the deceased family member. I am attaching a URL that shows the parents slightly blurred, but the daughter is crystal clear. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wi.....eceased_daughter.jpg

Frankly, I will be glad when this one is done as there is a creepiness to this story, especially after doing the research to set the tone and feel.

Anyway, thanks for the read.


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