Awesome pic, the tone and feel I like, you've captured it well...

Re updating your own...
1) First you need a Dropbox account and it's easier if you install the desktop edition.
2) When you complete a Script, save it to the 'Public' folder.
3) When you submit it using the Submit your script form, there's an option for Script URL
4) Copy the URL for your script from dropbox Public folder be something like https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/35583122/Disruption.pdf
5) Put this in the Script URL field
6) Don't Upload a script on the second page of the webform.

Then when you make changes to your form all you have to do is re-save it to the Public Dropbox folder with exacty the same file name, in essence just over-write the original file.

Voila, when someone next clicks on the file link on SimplyScripts they'll see your new version.

I'd like to take credit for this great idea but Janet (wonkavite) passed it to me.

Anthony

That was one of the pictures that helped me get into the mental frame of mind to write the story. Studying them and info about the times really helps me understand the environment.

Thanks for the info on dropbox. Janet has helped alot of us with key issues that make our lives a little easier. At the risk of sounding cheesy, thanks, Janet.

Ian

I didn't read the earlier version (so was puzzled at first by some of the comments!)

Anyway, I liked this very much. I'm familar with this practice so knew right away what was going on. What a great premise for a script.

The parents were believable, their grief poignant. The writing hit the right tone throughout.

And having the girl talking, as if alive, accentuates the weirdness of the practice because the corpses in those photos look very much alive.


Henry

Henry,

This was a tough one on a number of different levels as you saw from the comments. One thing I am curious about that the research did not reveal was whether this was a peculiarly American phenomenon or did the British, Canadians, Aussies, etc. do this as well. The sources state this was a Victorian-era thing, which only means it was a given time period. The vast majority of the photos that I have seen also suggest it was primarily a Northeastern fad. Other regions did death photos from hung people to killed outlaws, but the practice of families having final photos taken with their recently deceased loved ones was a special case. If I were to carry this topic/character further, I would dig into it even more to really nail it.

Thanks for the read.

Ian

Here is revision #3. Thanks to all who shared their thoughts and recommendations.

Ian,

Nicely written. Dialog accents were different. Interesting about how you came across the inspiration for this. I'm sure it won't be the last one that flashes into that noggan of yours.

Gl

Tony

Hopefully not the last, Tony. Thanks for taking time to read. In case I miss your current or next, let me know so I can give it a view.

Hey Ian
    I'm gonna give this a whirl.  I see this is your third rewrite.

Oh, to comment, I used the work in progress for my short "the Mouse Whisperer" and just upload the newest one so that I don't have to bug Don every time I change a few words.  It's pretty easy.  If you want, I can send you an email on it.  I'm not tech savvy, so, if I learned then it must be pretty easy

Wow, that was really good.  I live in Buffalo, NY USA and I have NEVER heard of that, but, it doesn't surprise me that people would do that.  

I had no trouble following it.  I knew OH SPOILERS
I knew that Linda was dead and her mom was in tears.  I thought the conversation between them was sweet and heart-felt.  I got a great visual feel for the time period you were trying to convey.

Really, I can't say much in the negative.  I thought it was good, I thought the dialog was good, the descriptions were solid, really solid job all around.

I'm glad I took the time to read it.  You have a real talent Ian.  This is the second story of yours that I have really enjoyed.  

Oh, well researched too.  All the historical camera and how it worked seemed spot on.  So, good job on that aspect as well!

I think this should be a front page piece on STS (Janet's site) and will be doing a write up for it.

Dan

Dan,

Thanks for the praise. It was one of the ones that just came to me in a burst of inspiration. In some weird way, it just flowed. What was frustrating was how scripts I have spent time outlining and planning out have not been nearly as evocative. This one just came out pretty much as is. I have tweaked it some, but not too much. Now, if I can just recreate that same flow for my other projects.

I admit I am a professional writer in other areas. I have done academic work, which was not nearly as fulfilling or satisfying. I am currently making a living as a technical writer, so another form of writing seemed very natural to me. I guess I am fortunate in that it keeps me in the writer's mindset continually in some way.

I am probably going to do one more revision and post it, then put it on the shelf so I can refocus on my feature-length projects.

Thanks again, Dan. If you have any projects coming up and you are looking for a read, drop me a PM as there are so many submissions and I try to balance reading the seasoned writers' material and the aspiring newcomers.

Keep at it and don't get discouraged.

Ian

Steve, Richard, Alffy, Debbie, Henry, Tony, and Dan-

Here is revision #4. I would probably not have revised this one so much without your encouragement. Thank you all.

Ian

Hey! I really like this one! Def one of my fave short scripts i've read.
Loved the solemn atmosphere its got. I think there's more dialogue in this version which is good, its gives the characters more insight and makes you really feel for linda.
And still Houtman has that air of mystery around him.
Great stuff!

Hey Ian,
    I'm back for my next fix of Ian greatness.  Thank God that it doesn't cost much...

1.  Since this is set in the early 1900, do you think we need a super?  How will the viewer know that these people aren't just backwards or tech haters like in that bad M Night movie?

2.  Mr. Jaffe nods solemnly and leaves.  IMO, he'd have some sort of facial expression of sadness in addition, wouldn't he?

3.  Bottom of page 2 you say the Camera is set up.  Wouldn't it be better to replace the passive verb with something like the Camera stands at attention, ready to be used.  or something along those lines?

4.  Bottom of page 5 when Linda realizes she died this morning.  I think it'd be more dramatic if she asks Houtman if that means she died today since she wasn't in pain anymore.  It might be a real touching moment if he were to kneel down next to her and explain that to her and prepare her for her next life.  I think you miss out on a really nice scene that could elevate this script to greatness...

I know they have a kind of conversation about that, but, you could dive really in, help her adjust to being dead and her dreams being over.  We always see the regret of the living, how often do we see death from the viewpoint of the departed?  Or in this case, not yet departed?

And when he gently closes her eyes, imagine if he asks her if she's ready b/c that is the last step to moving on.

This version is better.  I'd still like to see a tiny bit more emotion as he prepares her for her next life.  But, it is really good, I just think it can be great.

I'd read any other rewrites again.

Dan

ps, if you aren't gonna do another rewrite, send me a pm or email or something and I will still nominate it for STS with Janet.

Thanks, Debbie. This was a tough one to write in one important way. I am a researcher by nature and training. So, I researched memorial photography. Some of the images were unpleasant, especially those of children, but they helped me to understand and better capture the feel. Glad you liked it.

Weird question but... is that you in the avatar? Off topic I know, forgive me, dude reminds me of someone.

Dan,

Thanks for the encouragement. You are really making me work at this one and Retrocausality. I am making changes to tighten photographer and will repost for one more time.

I am working on a feature-length that is set primarily in Bosnia. Without giving away too much, I am incorporating much of my personal experiences while deployed to that country, so I hope to make the realism and credibility strong.

Take care.