Tomino by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - Three school friends dare each other to take on an urban legend, fulfill the dark conditions and prove that there's nothing to be scared of. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A familiar horror tale told in a familiar way but taking it to the next technological level.

No problems reading the script, just the story felt a little lacking simply because it was so familiar.

-Mark

Anthony,

This was well written and has dialogue that really conveys the accents and feel of the place and people. However, I have to agree that it was not significantly different from themes in "Final Destination", "The Ring", and a few others to really stand out. How do you change that? I'm afraid I am at a loss as to recommendations or suggestions.

Ian/Mark - thanks for the reads really appreciated.

This is/was my OWC entry so afraid the element of familiarity is difficult to avoid, though I tried to stay away from the most familiar urban legends.

This version has (hopefully) taken into account the feedback the original version (Poetry Corner) received.

Cheers

Anthony

Hi, Anthony.

I know there were complaints in the original (Poetry Corner) about too many characters. Maybe there were (I didn't think so), but in this version I kind of miss Dale's voice in the dialogue.

In any case, the redo moves along well, and the distinctive part of this remains the use of Siri.

Just had a thought. (I don't like it it when people suggest an alternate ending to something I've written, so I apologize in advance.)

What if Siri experiences a worldwide malfunction? Or, the woman who is the voice of Siri, dies?

Regards,

Henry

Hi Henry and thanks for the re-read, and the positive comments first time round too.

I wasn;t convinced that four characters was too many, BUT the feedback was pretty clear on that aspect, so I miss Dale a little too but what ya gonna do?

Your alternative ideas re Siri and the end are interesting but I like the current idea of the UL going viral an infecting phones thorughout the world via Siri, but thanks for the thoughs (and no need to apologise!).

Cheers

Anthony

Anthony -- re the ending. Oh, I see. I missed what was happening ( my fault). Pretty much the kind of thing I was suggesting. Perfect.

Henry

Great minds Henry!

Ant,

Ending was a little abrupt. I agree you can expand on this some more. Dialog lost me a few times, but no biggie. Wasn't there a Siri-joke play-on in a sit com recently? Was it 2 and a half men?

Anyway,

GJ

Tony

Hey Anthony

Pretty straight forward piece and it was nicely written.  I did wonder if the teacher would really tell the kids about their friends death, and whether this would actually be done more formally like in an assembly?

Anyway, there's nothing really wrong with this other that it's not the most original story.

Tony/Alffy

Many thanks for the reads, appreciated as always.

Tony - Gonna see if I can find that Siri joke now

Alffy - not sure re the teacher in this scenario, but she's telling them as they were besties...
Originality, yep but it's the problem with basing it on an Urban Legend (for the One Week Challenge),  but I tried to use a less familiar UL and give it a little twist.

Thanks both

Anthony  

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Originality, yep but it's the problem with basing it on an Urban Legend (for the One Week Challenge),  but I tried to use a less familiar UL and give it a little twist.

Sorry, I didn't realise you wrote it for the OWC, my bad

No worries Alffy, it's re-written quite a lot but central idea still comes from the UL.

Thanks

Anthony

Tomino has just been optioned by a Producer in Canada.

Now the waiting whilst he tries to pull the production together.

Excellent news, Ant.

Well done, Anthony! You appear to have had enormous success in a relatively short period of time. Out of interest, how much time do you spend on self-promotion, and do you go through the same process with every 'short'? I've been reading a few of your articles, very informative.

Many thanks Tony.

LC - Yes, I've been incredibly lucky in a relatively short period. I think all the elements covered in the articles (glad they are useful) certainly contribute to that... and it's worth pointing out that I think something like 20% of the options that get taken end up lapsing ;-( and I have to start again in trying to find homes for the scripts.
I' ve even had one get filmed, only for the director to disappear and the film never to come out of post production, frustrating to say the least.
I probably spend an hour a day or so on promotion, average that is. Normally includes updating my own site, log lines on other sites and looking at and responding to ads on Stage 32, Network ISA, SSU etc.
Is it the same with each short, yes, more or less...
1) Write it
2) Get feedback on here.
3) Add it to my pages on Stage 32, Movie Bytes, Network ISA, etc
4) Post it on Inktip
5) Start trying to send it to producers looking for shorts where it fits the brief.

Oddly not Tomino, been a bit slow with a couple of the steps...  

Hey Anthony,

I just read this.  It was good.  I can see why this got optioned.  It was a familiar story, but, it had a nice twist.  Kind of like Candyman meets the end of the original lawnmower man where all the phones ring at the same time.  

One question, what was Cortana?  Is that a search engine, or did I miss something?  

Other then that, I really can't add anything.  It was good, I had no issues following it.  Well done.  

Dan

Thanks Dan glad it worked for you...

Cortana is the voice interface on Windows smart phones... so same as Siri but different OS,

Anthony

You're a liar Anthony! Cortana is that hot babe from Halo!

Tryna keep her to yourself are we?

LOL - found out

You're a UK dude btw right? Have you ever sent anything into BBC writers room?

I am UK, so aware of writers room but it's largely aimed at TV and I've never had a script that seemed to fit what they were looking for at the right time... One of these days I'll submit something!
I think Dustin (Biwcott) has submitted before.

The option on Tomino has now lapsed... so its available again!