Getting Even by Richard Russell - Short, Horror - A group of girls frightens a mentally challenged boy--until the tables turn. 9 pages - pdf, format

Rich,

Great pacing on this short. Very nice read. A great revenge/lesson.

Tony.

Tony,

Thank you very much.

Best
Richard

I liked this.

I am not sure you need three girls.  It seems you could ramp up the conflict a bit with just the two girls playing off each other.  Megan is a bit of a third wheel here, and I do not recall Megan doing anything that Carter could not do on her own.  The discussion about Maria can pretty much be left on the cutting-room floor, IMO.

I would encourage you to change the name Wo.  It is such an uncommon name, I am not sure anybody (who is not reading this) would understand what Heather is shouting at the window.  Even with the dad using his full name, the connection is not clear.  Heather would simply appear some sort of lunatic shouting nonsense.

I also think Heather needs a stronger motivation, and I think you could give Heather's "disappearance" at the end a little more tension.  Does Carter look away?  Why?  It is a creepy moment that could use a bit more finesse.  You just kind of gloss over it here.

So those are just some thoughts as to how I would punch this up were it mine, but it is pretty good as it is, too.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  I enjoyed reading it.

Quick edit:  Perhaps you could have Wo with a shovel at the end.  Make this even a bit darker than it is.  Instead of simply looking down, he is filling the hole back up with dirt.

I too liked this.

SPOILERS!!

I'd have liked Carter to maybe not find Heather and the reveal to show her alone, but that's just my opinion.  I think it would give it a much stronger shock ending.

I like bert's suggestion about the shovel too.

Overall though this was pretty good.

Richard

Good job here. A very clean, easy read. I enjoyed the dialect too.



SPOLIER-ISH!

I thought we were going to see the father blast Heather away or it would be something to do with Carter not being around to keep watch which I would've had a problem with since it was Heather who always spotted the lights coming on in the house. Plus, of course, it would've been predictable.

However, these were well placed red herrings as the ending came as a surprise I don't think anyone would anticipate (maybe WO could have a "Raiders of the Lost Ark" poster in his room ). Anyway, it done justice to an all around tight, effective piece.

I see above that Bert had a problem with the strength of Heather’s motivation but I think it carries more weight because it was such a seemingly small thing. That’s how kids think, being embarrassed like that in front of their peers, intentionally or not, means everything to them at that age...and no one holds a grudge like a 13 year old girl! I mean, have we never read The Virgin Suicides?

His shovel suggestion would be a nice touch though.

Col.