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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Hookup Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 14th, 2015, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Hookup by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - When a casual hookup goes terribly wrong.  11 pages - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: March 15th, 2015, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Nice job, Richard - I enjoyed this. I really think it could form the basis for a feature. I would have liked to see what happens to them and then of course the re-hook-up ten years later


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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LC
Posted: March 15th, 2015, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Richard, I like it. I especially enjoyed where Troy holds his finger up because he's not finished reading the report - arrogance personified. You did the small touches like that very nicely.

If I have any criticism at all it's that a lot of the drama is not seen, but told - the difficulty she has in getting a job, the difficulty he is experiencing because of being effectively ostracized and having to give up his studies. I also think you went too soft on describing Megan's response to the 'rape'.

The 'closed ranks' within the school and not wanting to involve the police - all the suit jockeys around the desk, very nice.

I suppose the only flaw I see is technically there's nothing stopping Troy skipping with all the money, and would they pay that much out to keep all this hush, hush, when all of campus knows about it? Someone would dig the story up surely, or go to the press. That's for the longer version I suppose.

Speaking of which, Dave's suggestion of this forming the basis for a feature is spot-on and I reckon where you could go with it is in one of them not keeping their end of the bargain, or perhaps a double-bluff.

Good entertaining short. I really enjoyed it and I hope it gets picked up.


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RichardD
Posted: March 19th, 2015, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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What's cool about this story is you really don't need the first part with them half naked and drinking. If you started with her in the office reporting the crime would be if not more interesting because the reader really would have no clue who's lying and who wasn't.
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13thChamber
Posted: March 19th, 2015, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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This was good. Real entertaining. I know, about half way through, I had a feeling about the degrees the two mentioned they were going for. But, I kept on reading. Definitely a good read. Keep em coming.


13th
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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You hooked me, then intrigued me, then finished with a flourish. Nice work.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Richard, this is an enjoyable and engaging read.  It's nothing new plot-wise, and rather obvious what's going to happen, but it's still enjoyable.

A couple things to help with the writing...

Your opening passage is rather poorly written.  By using "pretty" in your character description, immediately followed by "sexy", which is your verb in the sentence, it reads awkwardly.  I had to read it several times to make sure I understood what you were after.  Also, using "sips" twice isn't the best choice, and using it for beer, is probably a poor choice.  Finally, this passage ends in an orphan and that's no way to start your script.

Dialogue is good for the most part.  Your writing is also good for the most part.

IMO, it's a mistake to not name anyone else, other than Troy and Megan.  Even using something like "Dean Asswipe" or the like is better than the generic titles yo used.

Th end is good, although it's quite a stretch to believe this would go down this way, without any police invovled, but that doesn't mean it's not good.

Good work.
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RichardR
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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All,

Thanks for the comments, and I'm glad you enjoyed the short.  

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed this Richard, very easy to see this filmed... do wonder if it could start at a little later point in the script - but minor quibble.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DS
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, I really liked this. Especially enjoyed the scenes with Troy in those closed rooms with the administration. Possibly because of how much the situation allowed in the script, but the characters really clicked, despite barely any character description and only a few lines. I could vividly imagine the large picture of the dean, counselor, lawyer and the two main characters. A lot going on for 11 pages and I'd certainly be glad to see this script made.

I have three suggestions, take them with a grain of salt:


Quoted Text
TROY (CONT'D)
You know, I do have to thank you.
You changed my life.
She opens the book and finds a bank passbook hidden in the
pages.
MEGAN
You were the one who came up with
the idea.
TROY
Yes, but it wouldn't have worked
without your acting talent.
She turns to him and smiles.
MEGAN
We make a good team.


This part of the exchange was the one part that I found annoying. These lines of "Oh, it was your idea, but couldn't have worked without your..." pop up so often when these kind of twists happen that it's like watching, or reading in this case, how a dead horse is being beaten. IMO a cliche to avoid.

Secondly, I'd recommend changing the first scene around a bit, add more reluctance from Megan -- could still give away all the necessary details and the money hint and give Megan and Troy a stronger story. As it is it feels out of tone with the rest of the script and I see others have called it out on possibly being superfluous. I don't think it is, I just think the different tone of it is what makes it seem like it is.

I also somewhat agree with LC's showing instead of telling comment. This is a dialogue-driven piece by far, but maybe you could throw in an actual newspaper article somewhere? Perhaps in the scene with the lawyer.

Good luck with it.
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SAC
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Don't think I've read anything of yours before. I picked a good one to start with.

I enjoyed this from beginning to end. And although I saw the end coming after a certain point, it did not detract from what got me there. The story was good, clever little twist. What I liked most was how everything seemed to flow so well. Your set up, middle, end. If I was to show someone a short script and say, "0kay learn," it would be this one.

Excellent job here.

Steve


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Colkurtz8
Posted: April 8th, 2015, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Richard

MEGAN
You’re an English major. What’s
the top end salary for that?

- Right, this money worshipping bit?h needs to go. Horny or not!

Great opening scene. It could either be genuinely sexy and edgy or just sound like 50 Shades of Grey. I think the fact that they are both young characters works to your advantage, amps up the provocation.

MEGAN
Oh god, it must have been my fault.
I mean, I shouldn’t have been
drinking.

- It’s impossible to know if she is telling the truth or not at this point but this line tells me that it’s all an act. Much too innocent.

COUNSELOR (CONT’D)
You are not to get within 100 feet
of the victim. You are not to
contact—

- I don't know how sexual crimes are dealt with on college campuses but I'm finding hard to believe they go down like this. Seems very rushed and without proper procedure. It’s a no-brainer that Troy shouldn’t sign this agreement.

COUNSELOR
We have been over this. You are
not allowed an attorney.

- And please remind me again why not, Mrs. Counselor?

COUNSELOR
If you fail to sign the agreement
or not abide by any of its
provisions, you will be expelled.
Is that clear?

- Again, this all just rings false for me to the point of being suspicious so I'm presuming it’s intentional on your part. This is not how these cases are done, thus there must be more going on than meets the eye. Reading on...

TROY
What the hell kind of Facist school
is this?

- Ha, I got a satisfying chuckle out of this. Easy to side with Troy here. A totally understandable sentiment.

COUNSELOR
Your client is a rapist.

- Jesus, she needs to be reminded of the "innocent until proven guilty" approach. Pipe down, woman!

PRESIDENT
Now, now, everyone take a deep
breath. We’re not here to lay
blame. We’re here to discuss a
settlement.

- Yeah and you need to tell your Counselor to keep her unsubstantiated point of view to herself.

TROY’S ATTORNEY
My client has been irreparably
harmed. Let’s start there.

- Oh so it has gone public already? I take it was a conscious decision on your part to keep the script small and contained in these rooms. Just focusing purely on the negotiations without the media hoopla and that’s fine…but it would do no harm to indicate that it has blown up into the public sphere too. I mean, it shouldn’t come as a surprise here that Troy has already been vilified in the media.

“Troy leans back, smirking at the Counselor.”

- I'm surprised he's smirking if it has indeed gone public. Suggests he is up to something…

MEGAN
Ruined your life? What do you
think happened to me? Have any
idea what they’re calling me now?

- Missing "you" between “have” and “idea”

TROY
Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I have
the same problem. I’m thinking
about changing my name. I might
move too. Lots of places to hide
for a while. I’m guessing that in
five years no one will remember.

- But didn't his name get cleared as Megan was exposed for being a liar? I thought that was the deal so he would get a big payout? I guess your name is forever tarnished no matter what.

MEGAN
We’ll remember, won’t we?

- Why is this important or an issue? The both made a deal, got rich, it pretty much worked as they intended.

TROY
The account is in your name. Half,
just like we agreed. I suggest you
get to the Caymans and change
banks. Move the money around.

- Ah, the good ole Cayman Islands. It’s so synonymous with dirty money that's it’s surely off limits nowadays. Got to be the first place authorities check

Overall, I enjoyed the read, it was quick and smart for the most part. It has a strong concept at its core; two people stage a sexual assault claim which turns out to be false thus the “victim” will ultimately take the fall but both will share the litigation profits. Initially Troy suffers the bad press before Megan essentially takes the baton. It’s a little unclear but that’s my reading of it. I mean, how else would Troy have gotten the money? One of them must have been proved to be lying.

In that case, shouldn’t Megan have gotten more of the money, say a 60/40 cut because she is the one who’s going to have to live with her name being dragged through the mud like that? She inherits the long lasting repercussions. Troy gets vindication but like I say (and he seems to acknowledge it too) it will be awhile before his name will be totally free from this unsavory association. I guess he came up with the idea in the first place though.

The final scene, while landing the big twist, could be tightened up some, it runs too long. You should convey that they are in collusion, exchange the bank details, maybe flirt a little before Troy vacates amidst the thrown drink. I don’t get why Megan is doing so much complaining and moaning about her situation. I’m sure the particulars of the deal were laid out beforehand and by all accounts the plan worked perfectly, right? She’s got her money, her ruined name and now she has to live with that. What was she expecting?

Also, I thought the self help book at the end would be Troy’s erotica novel instead. That might work as a nice call back to the opening scene.

Col.


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spesh2k
Posted: April 8th, 2015, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Richard,

Really enjoyed this, nice twist at the end. Everything is pretty much revealed via dialogue, which I don't have a problem with. But it's definitely not the most visual piece. Should be very easy to film, but I think it would play very well on stage. Someone mentioned the possibility of this being the basis for a feature, and I agree. If stretched out, it could also be a very good one-act play.

The dialogue was good overall as was the writing. You did a good job with your two leads, especially Troy... he was obnoxious, but in a likable way.

Now, they both get the money, but Megan really gets the shitty end of the stick here. Troy is the villain at first, then is cleared, making Megan the villain. In reality, both characters are the villain, but Megan is the one stuck with public perception. This is why I think this can be stretched out into a feature or one-act play... I could see her going through all that stuff that was explained in the final pages (not being able to get a job, not being respected, etc.) and maybe trying to clear her name in some way.

Anyway, nice work.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 10th, 2015, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,

The logline didn't draw me in, with scripts the main role of the title and logline is pitching it to the folks who read hundreds of scripts. It needs to tell the reader what the script is about and interest them enough to want to read it.

The script itself is great. An easy read, flows nicely.  As soon as he met up with her at the bench on page 8 I could see where this was going but it didn't spoil anything. It was extremely gratifying to discover these students had used an overly judgmental and life destroying system against itself. It could very easily have gone wrong here and I could have ended up disliking these two for what they did. However, the way you wrote them make me warm to both. I identified with their dilemma and was pleased with their solution. Does that make me a bad person? lol.

Some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose and could do with a polish but that's easily sorted.  

Great job, I can see this being very easy to produce.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Iancou
Posted: April 10th, 2015, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Wow. Between what the others have written and the quality of a script that pretty well stands on its own, I really don't have much to add other than to say well done. It was a quick read that flowed smoothly with crisp dialogue and succinct action. Like the rest, I would be interested in seeing a longer version.

Ian


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DanC
Posted: April 14th, 2015, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,
   I'm reading your script right now.  I will make notes as I read it and then summarize it at the end.

1.  Wow, was that a good, and scary read.  That's film-able.  It was good.  And scary.

To think that they worked the system.  You want them to fail.  Yet, the bad guys get away with it.  Did you base it on that case that happened with the football player?  

Oh, that would be a good end.  Let them meet up in a decade and have a PI for the school keep on them.  If you don't know the case, a woman framed a college football player for rape, but, he didn't rape her.  He spent time in jail.  He got out, and she approached him and wanted to be friends.  Yeah, seriously.  She did that.  She still had a crush on him.  So, he contacted his parole officer and got her on tape saying that she faked it.  The school is suing her now.  

But, yeah, it was a good story, and I'm sure that has happened, and that's sad.  Rape is a terrible thing, and people do use it.

Best of luck
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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RichardR
Posted: April 15th, 2015, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Dan,

Thanks for the read.  No, I did not have the football player in mind when I wrote this.  But that is a wonderful story to explore.

Best
Richard
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