The Nu You by John Hunter - Short, Horror - A homely young woman is ready to pay any price to be taller, thinner and more attractive.  11 pages - pdf, format

John, this was good - you hooked me all the way along, until...

SPOILERS:

CINDY
So this why you told me to close up
my house, put my belonging into
storage and turn off my phone,
cable and power?

'belongings' btw.

At this point I know the direction this is going to take.  Having said this I didn't expect it going as far as the 'flat line' and I'm on the fence about that choice of denouement.

This is definitely a great couple of rebound lines:

MRS DRAKE
Too bad.
(small beat)
Take her down to Re-Cycle --
Harvest her internal organs.
(small pause)
We’ll put them up for auction.
(small beat)
... I seem to remember she had a
lovely head of hair -- That will
fetch a pretty penny as a full
scalp, deep tissue transplant.

I suppose after the long lead-in I was just hoping for a different kind of shocking - perhaps what she would look like after all that surgery and a further sting in the tail but perhaps that's predictable in itself. There just needs to be something more I think - perhaps a comeuppance for the lovely Mrs. Drake.

The script is exposition heavy - I'd cut some of that back cause I really don't think you need to spell everything out to the audience.

Example:

MRS. DRAKE
As you know, one is larger than the
other...

That line isn't needed as the visual makes it clear.

I'd also make the 'liquid diet' nasogastric, not through her arm.

A tip regarding your description lines - try to keep them four lines or under - see page 2. You can cut some words easily:
MRS. DRAKE
Mrs. Drake is an attractive woman dressed in a smart business
suit...
Cut the 'is' for starters and insert a comma.
MRS. DRAKE'S OFFICE
An attractive woman in a smart business suit sits behind the desk.

And: INSERT: SIGN NEXT TO PHONE ON TABLE, “CHECK IN HERE”
Don't think you need that as you've described it in the preceding description line, notwithstanding the 'SIGN NEXT TO - wouldn't be there anyway.

Your opening is a sequence of shots imo, not a montage, and I've no idea why you're calling it FOUND FOOTAGE. Unless you top n tail this idea with the person/character who has actually found this footage. That read oddly to me.

Cindy's description: 'late twenties or early thirties' - I'd decide which - late 20s or early 30s, otherwise you're just wasting space.

Overall, this was very enjoyable, just a few kinks I'd iron out.

John - I enjoyed the story. A promising effort. I would have liked a little more payoff in terms of the ending (a bit rushed IMO). So she goes for beauty treatment and ends up donating organs. I like that - but would have liked it better if there was some irony there. For example, her organs go to a person who......??? (you decide - maybe to an unattractive person who knows that beauty is only skin deep. Maybe the entire beauty nap thing is a scam for harvesting organs for pretty rich people, etc).

Anyway - good story - I did note several areas where I thought you may want to make some style/format changes. They are:

Quoted Text A short, stocky and homely young woman with a lovely head of hair, CINDY Wilson, late twenties or early thirties stands in front of an unassuming office door.

I would just go with CINDY (30) unless somehow the range from 20s to 30s is important.

Quoted Text Cindy hangs up the phone and goes through the door marked PRIVATE.

I think you already got the door marked PRIVATE in the action line that preceded this one. I would just go with Cindy enters.

Quoted Text Mrs. Drake is an attractive woman dressed in a smart business suit. She sits behind a large desk. On the desk are two large flat screen computers, a phone, a vase with flowers and some papers. One flat screen computer faces towards her, the other faces outward, towards the single seat in front of Mrs. Drake’s desk.

A little long on the description here. I would break it up and get rid of some unneeded words (“is, “woman”, etc.).  E.g.,

Mrs. Drake, attractive, dressed in a smart business suit sits behind a large desk that contains two large flat screen computers, a phone, a vase with flowers and some papers.

One flat screen computer faces towards her, the other faces outward, towards the single seat in front of Mrs. Drake’s desk.

Quoted Text Mrs. Drake rises and greets Cindy. MRS. DRAKE Please come in and be seated. She motions in the direction of the chair in front of her desk.

I think it would be more efficient to combine the two action lines into one. Like this:

Mrs. Drake rises - motions in the direction of the chair in front of her desk.

MRS. DRAKE
Please come in and be seated.

Quoted Text MRS. DRAKE (CONT’D) This is your final your preprocedural consultation

I think you have an extra “your”

Quoted Text ... Cindy interrupts.

You don’t need this.

Quoted Text MRS. DRAKE “Be all you can be -- only better?” CINDY Yes, that’s it -- “Be all you can be, only better.”

Unless they are reading something – you don’t need the quotations.

You use “(small beat)” throughout. It becomes a distraction. Avoid them if you as they are generally not needed – or at least replace them with something more interesting. For example:

Quoted Text MRS DRAKE Our Financial Department has completed an assessment on the value of this property. (small beat) Sadly, the sale of this property WILL NOT cover the total expense of your procedures and recovery. (small beat) You will need more money.

Could be:

MRS DRAKE
Our Financial Department has completed an assessment on the value of this property.
(looking at deed)
Sadly, the sale of this property WILL NOT cover the total expense of your procedures and recovery.
(sternly)
You will need more money.

But again – I don’t think you need the beats at all.

Quoted Text Cindy is shocked. Cindy is lost in thought.

Not a fan of this type of description. Find a way to put those things in dialogue or action.

Anyway - nice effort here. I enjoyed it.

John,

Probably no nu comments here.  Read with care.

You have a good idea here. Frumpy woman goes in for a total makeover which may be a scheme to relieve her of her assets and her organs. Works for me. The problem lies, for me, in the setup and payoff.  The setup takes an inordinate amount of time. This is her last appt. I would guess all of this has been discussed, approved, and explained a number of times. Why go through it again?  Presumably she's been to the office, met mrs. Drake, and gone through all the computer generated changes.  Perhaps the only missing item is the price tag and the waivers.  Who is her next of kin?  

And the ending comes in a flash. Suddenly they're harvesting organs.  

Perhaps a better way to portray this would be to add some mystery in the process. She walks in, knows exactly what to do and goes through the list of procedures quickly. Skip the computer images until later get through the financial details an d put her in an operating room.  Use images here as the procedures are completed.  Until she is the beauty she wanted to be. Everyone is happy until---

I think that such a restructuring keeps the audience engaged longer and shows the processes as they occur.  And you can show the flatline. In any case you can play with the idea and determine how to play out the ending.

Best
Richard

Thanks to all for your feedback. Your catches, saves, noted typos and making the SPOILER ALERT less prophetic have all been incorporated to make THE NU YOU a better script.

If there is a FEATURE, it will have a greatly expanded ending covering Cindy's botched warehouse recovery and what happens to all her parts and pieces. For this short, I've just added a few more lines to showcase the warmth and caring of Mrs. Drake -- Gawd, I love that lady.

Please watch for two more of my LOW budget horrors: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT and DEEP SPACE TRUCKERS. These are reminiscent of those wonderful, old and cheesy Doctor Who episodes.

Again, thanks to all AND thanks to Don for registering me to SS.

John