SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:34pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Win-Lose Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 7 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Win-Lose  (currently 4286 views)
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 27th, 2015, 11:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Matias

Very nicely constructed piece, the intertwining imagery worked superbly. It’s clear a lot of thought went into the design, each visual and sound effect carefully chosen to correlate and counterpoint. The end result is almost like a dual montage sparring (pardon the choice of term) with one another and purely cinematic in its expression.

That Justine chick is not half full of herself though is she? Really considers herself to be a catch and a half! Although, if your description is anything to go by, she can back up that vanity, embodying that inscrutable, ice cool beauty whose been the ruination of many a film’s male protagonists. She’s perhaps a bit of a stereotype but it totally fits within the world and tone of the script.

“Revealing her sexy back.”

-     Is it possible to have a “sexy back”? Maybe if it has a tattoo or something but a back is a back, right

“THUD! - her back bounces against the plywood.”

-     Have you got a back fetish going on here or something?

The twist of Marcel being her suitor as opposed to the victorious Wade was a nice touch that I didn’t see coming until you wanted us too. It effectively served to flip our preconceptions and assumptions on their head and discover who the supposed real “winner” is here. The continuation of the parallel win/lose motif in the post fight scenes was well handled, some clever mirroring going on there too.

If anything, it’s heartening to see a woman as alluring and bewitching as Justine to fall for the loser (in the conventional sense) Gives the rest of us nearly never men something to cling on to…and that’s what I’m choosing to primarily take away from this

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 26
DustinBowcot
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 9:51am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Metaphors abound. I liked it. Nice work.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 16 - 26
Mr.Z
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
743
Posts Per Day
0.11
Thanks for reading, col! You totally got what I was aiming for. And I like the tattoo on her back suggestion, haha. I'm stealing that.  

Thanks, Dustin. Glad you dug it!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 26
Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Oh how exciting, a new Mr Z script.

I consider the Doll Maker to be one of the best, if not the best, short I have ever read. No pressure then  

Ok, let's have a look.

And then it's over....

I rememeber a chris messiano comment that your scripts feel like movies. You move with a smooth pace that consumes the reader. This continues this trend. Sound work.

Alas, I alway haven something to say. Sorry, that's me  

Small point first -  the final click. I didn't know what this was. I was thinking it was gun at first, after all Wade was angry in the corridor and I didn't know where that was leading. In fact it fel unresolved. But I get it now, it's the phone. Perhaps this could be clearer?

Since you lingered on the loser, before we met the winner, I guessed quite quickly who the suitor was. So from that point I could see the ending and was expecting a twist, it didn't happen.

Could he have been the brother ? Best friend? Business start re? Owner of the gym? Whatever. A final twist of the knife etc. Something just to be more than 'I'm shagging someone else'.

Sound work, but with an extra sprinkle could be even more.

Cheers

Bill



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 26
Tiger
Posted: March 30th, 2015, 8:08am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hello Mr Z

What a short and sweet little script. I really liked that I couldn't pinpoint exactly when the twist happened, but that you somehow managed to make it dawn slowly. Well done.

I like the whole femme fatale angle, but my one critisism would be that she calls herself "the real prize". It's a very personal opinion, but to me, any woman who calls herself "a real prize" isn't really a prize at all. A way to work around it could be to have her say instead: That's why you'll win the money. - But you'll lose me.

=)

And where can I find this Doll Maker script of yours?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 26
LC
Posted: March 30th, 2015, 8:50am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Apropos Tiger's comment re a 'twist' I mentioned on another thread that I find it tiring these days that everybody expects a twist with 'shorts' in particular - no offence meant btw, Tiger.

Perhaps you did intend a twist, Matias, in that we don't exactly know which of the two fighters in the ring is the 'loser' she's talking to - however it wasn't a surprise to me at all the direction the narrative took. And, I'm not sure it even qualifies as a twist - not that it needs one imh. I have no quibbles at all with this tale... well actually I have a couple of observations with the wording, (I'm a writer, after all  ) but they're only nitpicks and they obviously will not show on screen:

Cigar-chomping GAMBLERS standing outside the ring shout
CURSES at Marcel amid a cloud of nicotine smoke.


'nicotine smoke' - I think of nicotine stains so that jarred a little. I'd leave it as 'a thick cloud of smoke' or dense haze.

And, A bright spotlight pierces the darkness

Aren't 'spotlights' by definition bright?

Btw Col, yes, 'backs' (especially women's) can be very sexy. Ah, you winked when you said it.

Is Justine full of herself - conceited, because she regards herself as the ultimate 'prize'? Damn right she is and she's meant to be. She's the epitome of every Hollywood film-noir siren - glamour mixed with danger.

Anyway, I love the choreography of the story Matias - the way you inter-weaved all the parallel images and elements of the plot - the thuds with the knocking on the door, Justine being pushed against the wall, the unzipping of the purse and the literal unzipping - the element of the 'prize' - flesh and blood v cold hard cash. Terrific stuff, sparkling visuals. I thoroughly enjoyed the story and wouldn't suggest you change any of it.  

I hope some capable and brave filmmaker makes a decent 'fist' of it.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 26
alffy
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 10:14am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Matias,

Pretty good script this.  Short, sweet and with a twist thrown in too.  The switching from thuds to thuds was pretty cool and it flowed well.

Overall, a great piece.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 26
Mr.Z
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
743
Posts Per Day
0.11
Bill: Thanks for reading, man. Glad you enjoyed it (and Dollmaker!) Good point about the final click, it’s been brought up before. I think I’m going with Bert’s suggestions of adding a dial tone after the click to make it easier to link the sound with the phone.

Tiger: Glad you liked it, thanks for letting me know. Yeah, she kind of thinks to highly of herself. Had to push that angle because the plot demanded it (never a good sign, ha). I like your dialogue suggestion; pretty cool. You can read Dollmaker here: https://simplyscriptsreviews.w.....able-for-production/

LC: Thanks for the read, I appreciate it. Yeah, I kinda sorta intended to put a twist in there, like, you think that the guy who lost the fight also lost the girl, but then it turns out that the winner was the one who was jilted. But cool you still enjoyed even if you saw that turn coming. I like your “cloud of smoke” suggestion; thanks.

Alffy: Thanks, man. Glad you liked it!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 26
Iancou
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
Matias,

Been on the site here for over a year now and I have read many scripts. That, sir, is a very good one. Aside from the previously mentioned points, I have found nothing else of substance to add. Felicitaciones y buen trabajo!

Ian


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 26
jwent6688
Posted: April 1st, 2015, 7:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1858
Posts Per Day
0.33
Fine work, as expected. This script reads like poetry in motion. It has it's own rhythm. My only gripe was that I never felt for any of the three characters. Didn't really get to cheer for anyone or get the satisfaction when they won or lost.

Would make a beautiful short if filmed proper, though. You laid the groundwork with perfection. Nice to read a new short from you.

Cheers,

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 26
Mr.Z
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
743
Posts Per Day
0.11
Iancou: Muchas gracias!  

James: Glad you liked it. And good point, yeah, the vertiginous pacing didn't leave much room for character development. Not that it can't be done but I feel I don't have the skill yet. Still, something to aim for in the rewrite and future projects. Checked your series by the way. Very pro. Congrats, man.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 26
FedericoTorres
Posted: April 13th, 2017, 11:35am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
After months (ahem maybe a year) waiting for the local government to approve financing, this short film is currently in pre-production!

Thank you Matias for letting us bring this cool story to life!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 26
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006