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Very nicely constructed piece, the intertwining imagery worked superbly. It’s clear a lot of thought went into the design, each visual and sound effect carefully chosen to correlate and counterpoint. The end result is almost like a dual montage sparring (pardon the choice of term) with one another and purely cinematic in its expression.
That Justine chick is not half full of herself though is she? Really considers herself to be a catch and a half! Although, if your description is anything to go by, she can back up that vanity, embodying that inscrutable, ice cool beauty whose been the ruination of many a film’s male protagonists. She’s perhaps a bit of a stereotype but it totally fits within the world and tone of the script.
“Revealing her sexy back.”
- Is it possible to have a “sexy back”? Maybe if it has a tattoo or something but a back is a back, right
“THUD! - her back bounces against the plywood.”
- Have you got a back fetish going on here or something?
The twist of Marcel being her suitor as opposed to the victorious Wade was a nice touch that I didn’t see coming until you wanted us too. It effectively served to flip our preconceptions and assumptions on their head and discover who the supposed real “winner” is here. The continuation of the parallel win/lose motif in the post fight scenes was well handled, some clever mirroring going on there too.
If anything, it’s heartening to see a woman as alluring and bewitching as Justine to fall for the loser (in the conventional sense) Gives the rest of us nearly never men something to cling on to…and that’s what I’m choosing to primarily take away from this
I consider the Doll Maker to be one of the best, if not the best, short I have ever read. No pressure then
Ok, let's have a look.
And then it's over....
I rememeber a chris messiano comment that your scripts feel like movies. You move with a smooth pace that consumes the reader. This continues this trend. Sound work.
Alas, I alway haven something to say. Sorry, that's me
Small point first - the final click. I didn't know what this was. I was thinking it was gun at first, after all Wade was angry in the corridor and I didn't know where that was leading. In fact it fel unresolved. But I get it now, it's the phone. Perhaps this could be clearer?
Since you lingered on the loser, before we met the winner, I guessed quite quickly who the suitor was. So from that point I could see the ending and was expecting a twist, it didn't happen.
Could he have been the brother ? Best friend? Business start re? Owner of the gym? Whatever. A final twist of the knife etc. Something just to be more than 'I'm shagging someone else'.
Sound work, but with an extra sprinkle could be even more.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
What a short and sweet little script. I really liked that I couldn't pinpoint exactly when the twist happened, but that you somehow managed to make it dawn slowly. Well done.
I like the whole femme fatale angle, but my one critisism would be that she calls herself "the real prize". It's a very personal opinion, but to me, any woman who calls herself "a real prize" isn't really a prize at all. A way to work around it could be to have her say instead: That's why you'll win the money. - But you'll lose me.
=)
And where can I find this Doll Maker script of yours?
Apropos Tiger's comment re a 'twist' I mentioned on another thread that I find it tiring these days that everybody expects a twist with 'shorts' in particular - no offence meant btw, Tiger.
Perhaps you did intend a twist, Matias, in that we don't exactly know which of the two fighters in the ring is the 'loser' she's talking to - however it wasn't a surprise to me at all the direction the narrative took. And, I'm not sure it even qualifies as a twist - not that it needs one imh. I have no quibbles at all with this tale... well actually I have a couple of observations with the wording, (I'm a writer, after all ) but they're only nitpicks and they obviously will not show on screen:
Cigar-chomping GAMBLERS standing outside the ring shout CURSES at Marcel amid a cloud of nicotine smoke.
'nicotine smoke' - I think of nicotine stains so that jarred a little. I'd leave it as 'a thick cloud of smoke' or dense haze.
And, A bright spotlight pierces the darkness
Aren't 'spotlights' by definition bright?
Btw Col, yes, 'backs' (especially women's) can be very sexy. Ah, you winked when you said it.
Is Justine full of herself - conceited, because she regards herself as the ultimate 'prize'? Damn right she is and she's meant to be. She's the epitome of every Hollywood film-noir siren - glamour mixed with danger.
Anyway, I love the choreography of the story Matias - the way you inter-weaved all the parallel images and elements of the plot - the thuds with the knocking on the door, Justine being pushed against the wall, the unzipping of the purse and the literal unzipping - the element of the 'prize' - flesh and blood v cold hard cash. Terrific stuff, sparkling visuals. I thoroughly enjoyed the story and wouldn't suggest you change any of it.
I hope some capable and brave filmmaker makes a decent 'fist' of it.
Bill: Thanks for reading, man. Glad you enjoyed it (and Dollmaker!) Good point about the final click, it’s been brought up before. I think I’m going with Bert’s suggestions of adding a dial tone after the click to make it easier to link the sound with the phone.
Tiger: Glad you liked it, thanks for letting me know. Yeah, she kind of thinks to highly of herself. Had to push that angle because the plot demanded it (never a good sign, ha). I like your dialogue suggestion; pretty cool. You can read Dollmaker here: https://simplyscriptsreviews.w.....able-for-production/
LC: Thanks for the read, I appreciate it. Yeah, I kinda sorta intended to put a twist in there, like, you think that the guy who lost the fight also lost the girl, but then it turns out that the winner was the one who was jilted. But cool you still enjoyed even if you saw that turn coming. I like your “cloud of smoke” suggestion; thanks.
Been on the site here for over a year now and I have read many scripts. That, sir, is a very good one. Aside from the previously mentioned points, I have found nothing else of substance to add. Felicitaciones y buen trabajo!
Fine work, as expected. This script reads like poetry in motion. It has it's own rhythm. My only gripe was that I never felt for any of the three characters. Didn't really get to cheer for anyone or get the satisfaction when they won or lost.
Would make a beautiful short if filmed proper, though. You laid the groundwork with perfection. Nice to read a new short from you.
James: Glad you liked it. And good point, yeah, the vertiginous pacing didn't leave much room for character development. Not that it can't be done but I feel I don't have the skill yet. Still, something to aim for in the rewrite and future projects. Checked your series by the way. Very pro. Congrats, man.