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Wash The Blood Away by Chris F. Penoyer (Penoyer79) - Short, Drama - Sex. Lies. Irresponsibility. For Jared, it's all just fun and games... until someone ends up dead. 14 pages - pdf, format
Only now, JARED (26) rolls out of bed... He rises out of bed and gives himself a healthy scratch.
You have him getting out of bed twice.
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His head cocks to one direction. He stops peeing suddenly with a percussive DOINK!
Why does he cock his head in one direction? Is it because his cell rings?
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There is no hint of the coming storm
I think you can cut this, the previous description of the weather paints a clear enough picture.
I found this to be a decent story, however I had a small issue with the ending, why would Hayden shoot a man when there were cops out front? That would be plain stupid of him if he didn't want to get caught. apart from that it's a good story, not sure if it's a very original one but good nonetheless.
Chris, this reads not so much as a 'short' but as a part of a feature or opening to a mystery/thriller, although Hayden/Rick's appearance as jilted lover and murderer kinda ties up all the loose ends neatly at the end so I was left thinking - right, that's that then.
Okay, opening with someone getting up is a bit hackneyed - in this case Jared the ‘slacker is not exactly original, then we follow him taking a piss, watching some porn... and the rest - then talking to his brother on the phone about being slack and not wanting to flip burgers. Then stuff happens and Hayden knocks on the door in search of Mike, who's at work, (Hayden doesn’t appear to have any bearing on the rest of the story) - but, oh, yes actually he does, cause Hayden turns out also to be Rick.
In the meantime Jared gets lucky with the girl next door – Heather, (in flashback) and even though the dialogue sounds pretty natural and I like the change of pace, Heather ends up dead in a swimming pool with a gunshot wound to her back in (present day). Meantime Mike has mail and Jared doesn't - is there significance to that? And we further establish how Jared met Heather (in flashback) - and there's a storm coming - I assume this is for visual and symbolic effect - and Jared looks for something to eat and...
He stops peeing suddenly with a percussive DOINK!
What’s the point of the percussive doink?? I thought something interrupted him but the phone rings after that. I digress, sorry.
suggestion 'catches his eye' - instead of 'catches his vision'
Okay, someone killed Heather. That's good, intriguing, we don't know who or why, but then ... After Jared finds Heather in the swimming pool he tries to revive her and then dumps her back into the pool - I actually loved that bit btw, I wasn't expecting it.
We're back to being fixated on mail again - but it's not Jared's it's Mike's, but now it appears to be Mike's mail again but in Heather's apartment which is strangely called APARTMENT 48?? And, The DEAD GIRL and HEATHER are one and the same.
Mike comes home, he's angry at Jared for not getting the Maccas' job - Jared locks himself in the bathroom and Mike is shot at the front door by Hayden who calls himself Rick and who (incidentally doesn't care there's a pack of emergency vehicles outside recovering Heather's body from the pool) presumably thinks Mike is Jared and then the 'mail' comes back into the picture again - oh, I get it now - mistaken identity - Hayden (Rick) thinks Mike slept with his girl cause Jared (idiot slacker) left Mike's incriminating mail there when he and Heather were up to their shenanigans... and an open condom wrapper.
Chris, I'm really not trying to take the mickey here it's just this read confusing as hell.
Start the story a lot later is my advice, skip a lot of the pedestrian stuff and tighten this up. Make all the conversations/scenes more pertinent to the plot too - for example: We already know Jared is an unemployed slacker we don't really need the conversation between he and his brother Mike to tell us this - so think of something else this conversation can be about that's intrinsically linked to the main plot and then introduce a red-herring for good measure.
There's a germ of a really quite good idea here and there's a lot to like with the atmosphere you've created and the characters when we finally get to the story, but quite a bit is getting lost in the relaying of the narrative.
the pee/doink thing was just my sad attempt at something funny... i'll axe it.
the point of the phone call was not just to rub it in about Jared begin lazy, but to also establish Mike as a responsible, hard working guy....
as far as the ending goes..... i have two ideas... cut out the police/ambulance arrivals... or change the murder weapon from a gun to a knife.... i dont think a stabbing has the same impact as a gun. i'll tinker with it.
some people have complained it's a bit confusing... but all the information is there and everyone has eventually figured it out. Its the audience's responsibility to pay attention.
part of the hook to the story is making the audience go "oh shit.. i need to watch that again..."
i'll get the scissors out and cut out some of the fluff.
Sometimes, comments can come back to bite, so read with a bit of caution.
I like how you set this up. I think there is far too much that doesn't contribute to the story such as the opening, the showreing, etc. I had a problem with him fishing out Heather and doing CPR on a corpse. I don't think there would be any blood. All the blood would have settled and there would be no new bleeding. I don't know why he doesn't call the cops either. Yes, he had sex with her, but does he have a reason to avoide the police? I didn't see evidence of drug using or dealing, so why the reluctance. Of course, one can wonder why Hayden dumped the body in the pool to begin with.
One might argue that the cops would have scared the bejesus out of Hayden too.
In any case, you do a nice job with the flashback. It sets up the final scene.
When you make the conscious decision to start with a black screen, you also need to make sure you FADE IN. Peeps can argue about starting with FADE IN, but you can't just stay on a black screen your entire script.
Why would you CAP "RAIN"? If your intent is to CAP sound effects, wouldn't the sound here be the "patter"?
First 4 sentences all use "is" as the verb - not a great way to get things rolling.
Opening is very cliche, and the writing itself ain't doing it for me.
"LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS" - How is this "CONTINUOUS"? Did Jared morph from his bedroom to the front door?
NOTE - All these CONTINUOUS scenes are not actually continuous.
Lots of info being thrown out that is completely unnecessary.
So now, we meet Mike, Jared's brother, and find out that the opening Slug is alo incorrect, as this isn't Jared's apartment...it's Mike's.
Mike's wearing an Armani suit? Really? Why? If he can afford to wear Armani, I would imagine he doesn't need "help" paying rent on a little crappy apartment.
When you go to an INSERT, you also need to RETURN TO SCENE
OK, 5 pages in and nothing remotely interesting has happened. This is all heavily travelled cliche stuff going on.
Your voice isn't working for me either. Extremely passive and dull with a few failed attempts at humor/asides.
Your script runs 12 and a half pages, but based on the opening 5, my bet is that this could very easily be trimmed to 8 or 9 pages, total.
Sorry, CHris, but this just ain't working for me, and I'm out on Page 5. Hope some of this helps going forward.
I think the basic concept is not that bad, if not terribly original, but you spend about half of the script having the main character do boring and mundane tasks, which have no relevance to the story. I understand that you want to make a point of him being a slacker, but it would be enough to tell this with a few short lines, and when you start by saying that:
The room is a mess. Dirty laundry and random garbage is thrown about the floor.
...we already know that he is a guy who doesn't bother cleaning up, and that his life will also be a mess. You don't need to go on hammering in the same point over and over by explaining every little thing he does, how his computer desk is untidy, he doesn't bother flushing the toilet, jerks of in the shower, etc. The film doesn't really get rolling until page 5 where he discovers the body, which is a very slow start for such a short film. Get him out the door to discover the body by page 2, and then, when you've got the audience's attention, you can drag it out for suspense.
On page 3, Mike says that Jared needs to get a job, because "it's been three months already" - I was wondering, three months since what? Did something happen, or just three months since he lost his job?
On page 5, when he sees "A body of a DEAD GIRL (16) floats face down in the pool" - you've already popped the balloon and told the reader that she's dead, so him doing CPR seems a bit silly. If you take out the "body of a dead"-part, and just say that its a girl floating face down, it will make more sense that he plucks her out and tries to save her.
When you make the conscious decision to start with a black screen, you also need to make sure you FADE IN. Peeps can argue about starting with FADE IN, but you can't just stay on a black screen your entire script.
Devil's in the details... that one I missed.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Why would you CAP "RAIN"? If your intent is to CAP sound effects, wouldn't the sound here be the "patter"?
Fixing.
Quoted from Dreamscale
First 4 sentences all use "is" as the verb - not a great way to get things rolling.
I just recently discovered the evils of 'IS'...
Fixing...
Quoted from Dreamscale
Opening is very cliche, and the writing itself ain't doing it for me.
I'm already cutting the hell out of the beginning. it should work a little better.
Quoted from Dreamscale
"LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS" - How is this "CONTINUOUS"? Did Jared morph from his bedroom to the front door?
NOTE - All these CONTINUOUS scenes are not actually continuous.
Lots of info being thrown out that is completely unnecessary.
i chopped all of the Continues....
Quoted from Dreamscale
So now, we meet Mike, Jared's brother, and find out that the opening Slug is alo incorrect, as this isn't Jared's apartment...it's Mike's.
Mike's Apartment might be confusing. Jared lives there... he's the main protag... i don't see the need to change that.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Mike's wearing an Armani suit? Really? Why? If he can afford to wear Armani, I would imagine he doesn't need "help" paying rent on a little crappy apartment.
you're right. i'll chop it down to a suit.
Quoted from Dreamscale
When you go to an INSERT, you also need to RETURN TO SCENE
details..... i'll fix that.
Quoted from Dreamscale
OK, 5 pages in and nothing remotely interesting has happened. This is all heavily travelled cliche stuff going on.
Your voice isn't working for me either. Extremely passive and dull with a few failed attempts at humor/asides.
as i said chopping the beginning way down.... should work better.
Sometimes, comments can come back to bite, so read with a bit of caution.
I like how you set this up. I think there is far too much that doesn't contribute to the story such as the opening, the showreing, etc. I had a problem with him fishing out Heather and doing CPR on a corpse. I don't think there would be any blood. All the blood would have settled and there would be no new bleeding. I don't know why he doesn't call the cops either. Yes, he had sex with her, but does he have a reason to avoide the police? I didn't see evidence of drug using or dealing, so why the reluctance. Of course, one can wonder why Hayden dumped the body in the pool to begin with.
One might argue that the cops would have scared the bejesus out of Hayden too.
In any case, you do a nice job with the flashback. It sets up the final scene.
Best Richard
his main motivation for avoiding police was sex.. she is, after all underage. Hayden didn't necessarily dump her body in the pool... they could have been there. you're right about the CPR bit... i'll axe that. i'll axe the arrival of the cops/ambulance in my re-write so it works better
This is actually quite good. Your story is strong, if a little bloated. I'm gonna challenge you to see if you can get this down to 10 pages.
I thought your dialogue was believable and moved the story along nicely. You can probably take out a few lines here and there from the more dialogue-heavy scenes, which might help you meet that aforementioned challenge.
Your descriptions (overall) are perfectly simple. Other members caught the main trouble areas.
I really want to congratulate you on the pacing and the way you tell the story out of sequence. It's brilliantly done.
Really good work. This is almost ready to be filmed, and I hope it happens.
This worked well for me. The writing is solid, the read was fluid while the dialogue had a natural flow it, I believed in the characters. Not the most original story but I think you done enough with configuring the narrative to sustain tension.
SPOILERS AHEAD
I liked the slow build up of showing what a slacker Jared was and his aimless existence. Then introducing Mike, his seemingly polar opposite, effectively set up the contrasts between both which made the final scene all the more tragic. Of course no one deserves to be blasted away like that but even more so since its mistaken identity…and even more so again because, as much as you’d hate to say it, the world simply won’t value and miss Jared as much as it values and misses Mike. The latter was contributing in some way, a productive member of society while Jared will be seen as nothing more than an oxygen thief, a leech, etc. This was all done intentionally of course to add weight to that unfortunate twist of fate.
Some will have copped what was going to happen before it does with Jared leaving the mail at Heather’s but I can be slow with things like this so it caught me by surprise. I wondered why Rick thought Mike screwed Heather right up until it’s revealed on screen. Thus, it worked for me. The effectiveness of the script really hinges on that.
It does seem implausibly foolhardy for Rick to shoot Mike in front of all those cops but I guess it’s a crime of passion and you can’t really account for people’s head-space in moments like that. They’re capable of anything irrespective of logic or self preservation. Plus, you can always push that scene to later that night when the cops have dispersed if you really wanted to. Either way, it’s an easy fix, not a big deal.
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Wash The Blood Away
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