Retrocausality by Ian J. Courter - Short, Sci Fi - Scientists probe the past to find the source of radiation affecting the present only to discover the surprising cause. 11 pages - pdf, format

Code Soft moonlight shines on mud-brick buildings and narrow, dusty, and deserted streets dotted with flickering torches. Insects BUZZ over the WHISPER of a gentle wind.

I love the above, I just feel there is one too many 'ands' in the first sentence. I think you could drop either one (replace with a comma) and the sentence would read a lot better. Nice way to build atmosphere though.

I liked this one. The mixing of history and sci fi... be expensive to film though.

The probable costs are the frustrating part, Dustin. I have champagne taste and a cheap beer budget when it comes to most of the scripts I am developing. Oh, well. It was another "A-ha" script that came to me and I was able to crank it out in a few hours. I wish I had the same inspiration and flow with the feature-lengths.

As for the opening, I was mulling that one over earlier this morning. How does this sound?

Soft moonlight shines on mud-brick buildings nestled among narrow, dusty, and deserted streets dotted with flickering torches. Insects BUZZ over the WHISPER of a gentle wind.

Glad you liked the story. I appreciate the read and feedback.

Ian

Man - your action/description blocks are so damn good. Exceptionally visual. I was able to perceive in one or two lines of your writing what a novelist would take 2 paragraphs to describe.  I just loved the style.

I thought the story was solid and intriguing. There was just one hiccup for me.  Here:

Quoted Text An arrow narrowly misses a scientist and pierces the reactor casing up to the feathers. There is a muffled BOOM, a shower of SPARKS and a burst of steaming LIQUID. Jacobs quickly peeks from behind the console as Galang grimaces and gingerly touches the arrow in his shoulder. JACOBS (CONT'D) They hit the reactor.

I couldn't see how a Mongolian era arrow could pierce a reactor. It was a "huh"  moment for me.

Anyway - I am a huge fan of the style here. Nice!

Oops. It was more like what happens if you shoot an arrow through your car radiator. It doesn't penetrate the engine block, but taking out the radiator effectively kills the vehicle. A reactor core (think nuclear sub) is hardened steel that has to withstand tremendous pressure. It would be difficult to pierce the fictional fusion reactor core in this story with an arrow. However, medieval arrows were known to partially pierce heavy plate armor. They would not necessarily impale you, but slice you and bleed pretty good. Get enough of them and you would bleed out or pass out from blood loss.
The inspiration for that particular shot came from what I saw with a HMMWV. When the radiator blew due to overheating, it gave off a muffled boom loud enough that we thought someone shot at us.

Appreciate the feedback and observation... and the praise. I will clarify/correct the reactor scene.

Ian

Maybe it could impale something else that triggers the reactor???? Maybe it pierces the chest of a scientist who falls back on the red button.

Dave,

I have mulled over various ways of approaching that pivotal action. I should have something in the way of an update in a few days.

It is funny, but the last couple of shorts I have posted, I have said that "this one" is the last for awhile as I need to return to working on the full-length features I have in the hopper. You can see how long that resolution lasted. I might as well just go with it as the inspiration strikes me.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Ian

My pleasure, Ian.

Ian

Most of my comments are recycled, read with care.

This one reads well, and the idea works as long as you don't worry too much about time issues. The satellite picks up an anomaly before the probe is sent back?  

This is a good read, but it requires the Mongols to overcome their natural fear of the unknown. A probe floating in space would be something godlike, right?  Charging into a black hole time warp would be their natural response?  And while they are sworn to protect the resting place, the probe doesn't look human. Why chase an orb that they have never seen before. Why shoot arrows at the probe?  They may as well shoot at the birds in the sky. They can't know that the ball is recording or even seeing them. The same holds for the Warriors who make it thru. They aren't amazed by what they see. They don't realize they're no longer on the plain?  I admire their zeal but would they really act as if they've attacked a lab like this every day?

Last point. Most reactors have redundant cooling systems right?  And automatic shutdown protection?  All of these problems can be overcome.  Because the basic idea is very good.

Best

Richard

Hey Ian,

Love the title – Very Sci-Fi. Not so fond of the logline. It’s Ok it just doesn’t  make we want to tear the panties off this script and dive into page 1 and a logline should do such a thing, although it’s a good job I’m the only one who has script panty fetishes.

The scene setting description of Babylon is great, just overuses the word ‘and’ by one ‘and’ I think. It kind of offsets a great description.

The description of the probe is good, just a minor thing, maybe have the word PROBE in caps the first time we see it?

The probe is probing!

With Time Travel, flashing back and forth between timelines can be a bit confusing. The new TV version of 12 Monkeys users SUPER’s every time it switches timelines, this could work here also.

Ah, the stereotypically nerdy scientists! They can’t be up to any good.

I like the description of the scientist parting like fish, I can instantly visualise it. I am kinda lost though, I don’t know what the aim of these time travel tests are?

Galang’s dialogue feels clunky, unnatural, like he’s saying things just for me and everyone seems very unprofessional and even inadeguate for such a highly dangerous experiment. Messing with time is not for the incometent risk takers these people are.

And there’s why. Getting massacared by Ghenkis Khan’s funeral party is what they deserved. What was the object that lead them to this point in time? I don’t get that.

I like the fact that the ending is a loop back to the beginning. That’s clever. However I don’t really buy the story that leads up to this point. Saying that I think it’s a solid idea that just needs some work, so best of luck with it.

-Mark

Richard,

Thanks for the review. Appreciate you taking time to do it. Also, good points... that require some thought to address.

One of the problems with this script is that retrocausality itself is a situation where the effect occurs before the cause. That is why satellites picked up the radiation before the event. However, I provide no clues or explanation for that.

Now, as for the Mongols, in the early years, they were superstitious to the point of destroying whatever they did not understand. I am thinking of simple, but believable work-arounds for that whole situation.

As for the reactor, redundant coolant systems, auto shut-down... sometimes they are all circumvented by one achilles heel. I need to think about that one as well to come up with a plausible fix.

Mark,

Thanks to you also for taking time to review and comment. Appreciate it... but no script panty fetishes here. Never even thought about that, come to think of it, but I digress.

Anyway, glad you liked the description. I have been really working on that part of my writing to keep my action portions lean without losing the ability to evoke imagery.

With the intecutting between Mongolia and the lab, I struggle with that. I initially used slugs and a sentence or two, but that quickly grew tedious and confusing. Apparently, my "solution" was not as good as I had hoped. I watch 12 Monkeys as well, but in my case, the action sequences are so short that it would be problematic as well.

Nerdy scientists in a scifi script up to no good? Says it ain't so.

The test run was to see if the system worked. As soon as that was proven, it was immediately put into operation... prematurely, both from an equipment standpoint and the people involved. Some of the techies that I encountered when I was in the military were like the ones portrayed in this script. They were frequently brilliant... within the narrow confines of their field, but were absolute morons in other areas of life.

The point of the last trip back was that a radiation source from the past was detected and they were retasked to investigate what happened. I need more visuals and explanation (but not too much) to fully engage the audience.

I have my work cut out for me. Thanks for giving me other perspectives to show the holes and gaps that need to be filled. Sometimes we, as writers, cannot see the obvious because we are too close to the stories.  Also, if you need reviews, don't hesitate to ask.

Ian

Ian

I will be bold enough to offer a solution to the probe question. There is no reason the probe has to be a sphere.  Make the probe look human. It still floats and observes, but it is human like.  They can dress it in period costume, so it won't draw too attention. When they dress it in Chinese dress, the Mongolians naturally attack. You get your fight.

Best
Richard

Richard,

I am still wrestling with this one. Several ideas have flitted through, but nothing "feels" right as of yet.

Thanks for the read. I am working on another feature-length. In a month or so, I plan to have it up. If you see a script titled "Tattoo Umjetnik," that will be mine.

Ian

Hey Ian,
    I'm reading your script right now.  I will make notes as I see them, then do a final once over.

1.  Page one, you say "An flat-black rugby"  isn't the rule An for words that start with a vowel?  So, like An apple, or An orange, but, it's A flat-black?  Am I wrong?  I thought that was the rule...

2.  You say "Huge with dusty piles"  What is Huge?  

3.  You write stereotypically, isn't it just stereotypical?

4.  I think you are using looses wrong.  Just my opinion.

5.  Ooh, that was cool.  I like the time loop ending.  But, I don't know why it went back to the beginning of the story, instead of to the moment that they were seen by the Mongolians.

time travel is crazy complicated anyways, so, it can be really hard to describe.  I love time travel stuff.

but, I do have one comment, I don't think it would cause a retrocausality.  The time stream would be fulfilled and just carry on as normal after that point.  

You self-fulfill the causality.  Unless you are saying that for the men in the room only, they are stuck, but, even that doesn't necessarily fly.

In one episode of Dr. Who, River Song is trapped in a never-ending explosion of the Tardis as it explodes over and over.  The same 2 or 3 second loop.  If you wanted to set up a 2 second loop where the first arrow is fired into the control room, that's fine.

Also, with how much the old races feared anything they didn't understand, I could easily see them worshipping the scientists as Gods.  I mean, all one of them has to do is flick their bic lighter, or turn on a TV station.  Those people were very superstitious.  

I liked the story.  I like the self-fulfillment of it all.  I just don't like where you bring it back to.  Another question is whether or not they are stuck in a never learning state, or if they can learn and alter their destiny after the millionth time, like in Futurama.  

I didn't think you could accomplish so much in so little pages, but, you did.  I understood everything.  It was very cool, just think about the time aspect of it a bit more, at least IMO, it doesn't work for me.  Not yet anyways.

IMO, retrocausality would be more like I go back in time and kill my grandfather.  What happens to me?  To me, that's the retrocausality paradox, where the effect happens before the cause.

Or I go back with an atomic bomb and kill the creator of said atomic bomb.  

I love these topics, so, feel free to counter back.

Best of luck with the script
Dan

Thanks for the read, Dan. Many of your points I have addressed in the rewrite/revision. Now, as for the term "retrocausality", it is simply a situation where the effects appear before the cause. WRT the Mongols, they were initially known for destroying things they did not understand and being brutal warriors. In addition, I incorporated some of their sacred symbols that are difficult to translate to a script without explanation, i.e., the circle. The color blue was also sacred to them.

Time travel is not something in which I have dabbled previously. I have seen so many Sci-Fi shows with this concept (Star Trek, Quantum Leap, etc.). This particular idea just came to me and I rolled with it. However, as Dustin pointed out, this would also be expensive to shoot.