Hey, Mark.

I liked it quite a bit.
It's short on a story though for me. It's a character study in a way but you're not explaining how Ethan became this way. I think he was born that - there's a demon inside of him, but if that's the case then there's should be something more than this.
It's got a good twist, I just wish it was a bit more.

few notes (merely thoughts)
get rid of "quoting rhymes" in parentheticals.

many short scenes on page one don't draw me in.

some description like "it is a teething mass of lust filled with horror" (p3) not very clear to me.

Mark

SUPER: People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite
their own destruction, and anyone who insists on remaining in
a state of innocence long after that innocence is dead turns
himself into a monster. - James Baldwin

- Yikes, seems harsh and presumptuous

INT. ETHAN’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

- Should it be “CONTINUOUS” since its going back to Ethan in the bedroom which is MORNING? Aren’t we going back and forth between two different time lines here?

The margins look incorrect. The page number, action lines and dialogue appear to begin too close to the top of the page.

“INT. ETHAN’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Ethan raises his arm and points at the curtain.

INT. CINEMA LOBBY
Ethan raises the same arm and points at the movie poster.”

- These reminds me both of the final shot of 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatcher remake (sans Donald Sutherland skull raising screech) and the supplicating gestures towards the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Interesting dual imagery though with the morphing film poster and the man emerging through Ethan’s bedroom curtains. Creepy too.

“Every inch is filled with images designed to destroy
childhood; a black hole of innocence lost.”

- Again, I dig what you’re doing with the shape shifting movie poster but I was hoping for some specifics here. I know you mention the lewd lettering, the bush come spider and the pipe smoke turning into a snake but I wanted more here in this scene as the movie poster becomes a fully formed tableaux of ghastliness! Unfortunately, all we get are generalities.

“Together they herd like unsuspecting lambs to the slaughter.”

- This is a very suggestive line in the prose that hints the movie is going to consume the audience into its nightmarish world or something but on screen we get no real indication of this. I imagine most will assume these visions are merely part of Ethan’s troubled mind and not something tangible. At least that’s what the scene in the psychiatrist office said to me.

This ended rather abruptly and I was left wondering what I was take away from it. I’m thinking it’s tied in to the nursery rhyme that Ethan sings throughout but I don’t know how as I’m not familiar with it. I did like the creepy visuals you conjured up but couldn’t draw a link between Ethan seeing the Man behind the curtain in his room (and the psychiatrist’s office) and the unsettling film poster which was a not so subtle reference to Lord of the Rings.

The quote at the beginning talk about loss of innocence and retreating into fantasies which is what Ethan seems to be battling with in fighting these demons tormenting him. It was interesting how, in the bedroom scene, his father drives away the Man behind the curtain (albeit inadvertently) while in the cinema scene he essentially (though equally inadvertently) leads Ethan into whatever horrors await them when watching the film.

I appreciate that it meant to be abstract and interpretative, somewhat metaphorical and elliptical, etc so I would be interested to hear your intentions on it.

Col.

Quoted from khamanna Hey, Mark. I liked it quite a bit. It's short on a story though for me. It's a character study in a way but you're not explaining how Ethan became this way. I think he was born that - there's a demon inside of him, but if that's the case then there's should be something more than this. It's got a good twist, I just wish it was a bit more.

Hey Khamanna – thanks for the read and the notes.  I’ve left you wanting more. That’s good! This is less of a standard story and more of a statement. Ethan’s being corrupted by subliminal images that are hidden in plain sight.

The Man Behind The Curtain is symbolic, he represents the secret organisations like the illuminati and the New World Order who arrange for these images to be inserted into media to corrupt the young. In the end Ethan succumbs to the corruption and ends up furthering their nefarious agendas.

I realise that is not obvious and is open to interpretation but that was deliberate. I’m almost using a subliminal way to make a statement about subliminal images and conspiracy theories.  

Quoted from khamanna few notes (merely thoughts) get rid of "quoting rhymes" in parentheticals.

I agree. I put that in there because I knew some people would not know this is a nursery rhyme but it’s bugged me ever since. Now you’ve said that I’m going to remove it.

Quoted from khamanna many short scenes on page one don't draw me in.

I understand. Each scene needs to be read slowly and compared to the preceding and proceeding scene. Each scene needs to be visualised and absorbed before moving on and that’s hard to do when reading a script. I get that it may put the reader off. I often wonder if music videos had to be scripted they would ever get made as those things switch scenes every few seconds lol.

I believe if you could visualise the whole thing it would work really well, but I would say that wouldn’t I?

Quoted from khamanna some description like "it is a teething mass of lust filled with horror" (p3) not very clear to me.

OK a few people have said that now so I do think I need to address it. I didn’t want to be too specific as this would…be too specific and would probably be completely changed if it ever got produced but I think I have been too vague so I’ll add more detail.

Thanks again for your notes, they have helped a great deal.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Mark INT. ETHAN’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS - Should it be “CONTINUOUS” since its going back to Ethan in the bedroom which is MORNING? Aren’t we going back and forth between two different time lines here? Col.

Hey there Col! Thanks for the read and the comments. Good point about CONTINOUS, I’ll fix that.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The margins look incorrect. The page number, action lines and dialogue appear to begin too close to the top of the page. Col.

Do they? This was produced via Final Draft so it should conform to industry standards.  That’s a worry if it is formatting wrong, looks OK to me though. It’s a dropbox link so maybe if you are viewing it via a browser it may look odd??

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Ethan raises the same arm and points at the movie poster.” - These reminds me both of the final shot of 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatcher remake (sans Donald Sutherland skull raising screech) and the supplicating gestures towards the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Col.

I am simply astounded! Ethan’s pointing is indeed a homage to Donald Sutherland’s Body Snatching moment. I remember watching that as a kid and it creeped me out so I used the same image when writing this! Well done!

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “Every inch is filled with images designed to destroy childhood; a black hole of innocence lost.” - Again, I dig what you’re doing with the shape shifting movie poster but I was hoping for some specifics here. I know you mention the lewd lettering, the bush come spider and the pipe smoke turning into a snake but I wanted more here in this scene as the movie poster becomes a fully formed tableaux of ghastliness! Unfortunately, all we get are generalities. Col.

A few have said this now so yeah. I need to change this. I kept it generic and up to the imagination because whatever imagery I come up with would either spoil it or be too specific and subject to change anyway. However I think I have it too vague and will try to get it across better.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “Together they herd like unsuspecting lambs to the slaughter.” - This is a very suggestive line in the prose that hints the movie is going to consume the audience into its nightmarish world or something but on screen we get no real indication of this. I imagine most will assume these visions are merely part of Ethan’s troubled mind and not something tangible. At least that’s what the scene in the psychiatrist office said to me. Col.

This is just a bit of artistic flair on my part. The corruption caused by the images does not just affect the very young (although they are more susceptible) and the family friendly movie they are about to watch contains subliminal images designed to corrupt all so they are, in a way, lambs to the slaughter.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 This ended rather abruptly and I was left wondering what I was take away from it. I’m thinking it’s tied in to the nursery rhyme that Ethan sings throughout but I don’t know how as I’m not familiar with it. I did like the creepy visuals you conjured up but couldn’t draw a link between Ethan seeing the Man behind the curtain in his room (and the psychiatrist’s office) and the unsettling film poster which was a not so subtle reference to Lord of the Rings. The quote at the beginning talk about loss of innocence and retreating into fantasies which is what Ethan seems to be battling with in fighting these demons tormenting him. It was interesting how, in the bedroom scene, his father drives away the Man behind the curtain (albeit inadvertently) while in the cinema scene he essentially (though equally inadvertently) leads Ethan into whatever horrors await them when watching the film. I appreciate that it meant to be abstract and interpretative, somewhat metaphorical and elliptical, etc so I would be interested to hear your intentions on it. Col.

What I like about this script is everyone who is reading it is getting something from it and having a really good think about what it means, even if they don’t get what it means or are not sure what’s going on at all. And that was what I was aiming for; it is a bit experimental.

The actual intent of the ‘story’ is The Man Behind The Curtain is now a well-known phrase among conspiracy theorists meaning super secret organisations like the Illuminati and New World Order who pull the strings behind the scenes. So the man in this story is actually symbolic of that.

Ethan’s being corrupted by subliminal images his subconscious is picking up in harmless entertainment like movie posters. If you do some research in this area there is well documented evidence that this does go on but as to the reason, who knows. It could be a joke, an advertising technique or something more nefarious. I like the word nefarious!

Anyway his dad loves Ethan but knows he’s a troubled child and he tries to help him by sending him to a psychiatrist but neither can help him because neither know about the images. The scene in the cinema shows that it’s not only Ethan in danger but he’s the most susceptible and in the end he carries out the Man Behind The Curtain’s agenda by going on a shooting spree in the school.

That’s the intent anyway but I realise most wouldn’t put all this together without prior knowledge or researching it themselves. But it’s just an experiment in telling a story a completely different way than normal.

Cheers for reading it though and for providing such great feedback.
-Mark  

Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Do they? This was produced via Final Draft so it should conform to industry standards.  That’s a worry if it is formatting wrong, looks OK to me though. It’s a dropbox link so maybe if you are viewing it via a browser it may look odd?? - I had saved it onto my laptop and viewed it in Adobe reader and yeah the page numbers and text looked too close to the top of the page in comparison to what I was led to believe was the standard margin. It might be worth comparing it to other scripts to see. [quote=MarkRenshaw]A few have said this now so yeah. I need to change this. I kept it generic and up to the imagination because whatever imagery I come up with would either spoil it or be too specific and subject to change anyway. However I think I have it too vague and will try to get it across better.

- I get what you mean, you chose to leave it open for a filmmaker's discretion if they wanted to make it. I think a lot can be said for that approach too and I did like your language in describing the morphing horror. As you say, these are details that would invariably go through a bunch of changes before being decided on so being overly specific would probably be pointless anyway. Maybe just a few specifics to convey the overall tone of the changes could be included while leaving the rest vague and suggestive.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The actual intent of the ‘story’ is The Man Behind The Curtain is now a well-known phrase among conspiracy theorists meaning super secret organisations like the Illuminati and New World Order who pull the strings behind the scenes. So the man in this story is actually symbolic of that.

- Yeah, I first came across that phrase when watching the documentary Zeitgiest in which one of the segments, about the federal reserve bank, is called that.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Ethan’s being corrupted by subliminal images his subconscious is picking up in harmless entertainment like movie posters. If you do some research in this area there is well documented evidence that this does go on but as to the reason, who knows. It could be a joke, an advertising technique or something more nefarious. I like the word nefarious!

Anyway his dad loves Ethan but knows he’s a troubled child and he tries to help him by sending him to a psychiatrist but neither can help him because neither know about the images.  [/quote]

- I'm intrigued by that idea of subliminal messaging, nefarious, commercial or otherwise, in kids' films. You often hear about it in relation to classic Disney and its a fascinating if disconcerting revelation. However, as I said, since Ethan is shown to be psychologically troubled I assumed these were all purely products of his distorted imagination. That's why I was surprised by the "lambs to the slaughter" line of prose.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The scene in the cinema shows that it’s not only Ethan in danger but he’s the most susceptible and in the end he carries out the Man Behind The Curtain’s agenda by going on a shooting spree in the school.

- Eh, "shooting spree"? Sorry, I definitely didn't get that. Yeah, I figured the Man behind the curtain was a benevolent force encroaching on Ethan's consciousness but I never ascertained that it was interventionist entity directly guiding Ethan's hand to commit such an act.

Anyway, it was interesting to hear your intentions with this. Thanks for taking the time to share them.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Mark - I'm intrigued by that idea of subliminal messaging, nefarious, commercial or otherwise, in kids' films. You often hear about it in relation to classic Disney and its a fascinating if disconcerting revelation. However, as I said, since Ethan is shown to be psychologically troubled I assumed these were all purely products of his distorted imagination. That's why I was surprised by the "lambs to the slaughter" line of prose. Col.

If you are interested in looking a bit further, check out this short clip which was the bases for the RING LORDS poster which goes into alleged subliminal images in the Hobbit poster. - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNGrWNE1Nug

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Eh, "shooting spree"? Sorry, I definitely didn't get that. Yeah, I figured the Man behind the curtain was a benevolent force encroaching on Ethan's consciousness but I never ascertained that it was interventionist entity directly guiding Ethan's hand to commit such an act. Col.

It is subtle. Ethan nods directly at the Man Behind The Curtain before walking into the school with the pistol drawn. He gives in. It's open to interpretation though you could view it as him having a mental breakdown or even in a supernatural light easily enough.

Cheers for taking the time to ponder this crazy story and reply.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw If you are interested in looking a bit further, check out this short clip which was the bases for the RING LORDS poster which goes into alleged subliminal images in the Hobbit poster. - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNGrWNE1Nug

- Interesting stuff. I guess images like that can be interpreted in any number of ways if you look hard and long enough. Clouds are great for that! Although nothing surprises me anymore and everything should be questioned.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw It is subtle. Ethan nods directly at the Man Behind The Curtain before walking into the school with the pistol drawn. He gives in. It's open to interpretation though you could view it as him having a mental breakdown or even in a supernatural light easily enough.

- Ah, I see it now, its actually quite clear and unambiguous. This scene mustn't been a later addition because it wasn't on the draft I read which ended with the people entering the theater. I usually download the script onto my computer and read it later.