I Can See A Hair by Julian Hudson - Short, Comedy - Two friends have a confusing conversation about one of them seeing a hair on his own face. 6 pages - pdf, format

Julian, you should download screenwriting software:

http://www.trelby.org
http://www.celtx.com

Both of these are free. It will make reading and writing your screenplays a whole lot easier and fix formatting - footers are not necessary btw and with the software your title and author details will be on a separate title page.

In the same vein as Abbott and Costello's 'Who's On First' your story works pretty well.

I got a few chuckles from it and the 'curly' line was a good one.

What I would like to see at the end is Miles reach across the table and pluck that hair off Dave's face, or better still, perhaps the WAITRESS (having overhead this whole long-winded conversation) could do it. That'd be a nice turn around.  

Good choice that you made this guys instead of girls too.

Julian,

Before I get into your story, I need to address formatting issues. First, I suggest you use a title page rather than having your title and copyright info in a header. It just makes it cleaner and more professional. Second, your software uses a non-standard font, spacing, margins, etc. This will get a script tossed without a read. Third, don't number your scenes. That is not our job, but the director and his/her folks. Fourth, your parentheticals are way too long. As written, they should be in the action. Typically, a parenthetical is short, such as:

MARTIN
(thick accent)
Blah. Blah. Blah.

Fifth, your descriptions are not clear and concise enough to get the feel of the atmosphere. For example:
EXT. A BUSY CAFÉ – DAY

General shot of the café, with customers entering and leaving through the front door.

Recommend something along the lines of:
EXT. CAFÉ – DAY

Crowded greasy spoon type of place with stereotypical decor, staff, and patrons who come and go with easy familiarity.

Using wording that evokes images from the reader's personal experience gives the scene more of a realistic feel and a connection.

Now, as for the story... I missed the point as the two men seemed to simply expound on the person's hair in an exchange similar to the Abbot and Costello "Who's on first?" routine. What is the conflict and its resolution?

I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions or something I have mentioned is unclear, please don't hesitate post or PM me.

Best of luck,

Ian

Guys

Thanks very much for reading my script, and for the useful feedback. I am new to script writing, so these tips will help me.

Julian

Julian,

Welcome to the community. Interesting topic and you did good creating conflict. Previous mentions sum it all up and ofcourse, lose the contact info at the bottom of each page, it only serves to slow down the read. Actually, you sandwiched the contact info inbetween a dialog block and page break. Use a CON'T here.

Tony.

Welcome, Julian.

You're an Aussie, you'll be right.  

Download that software - I have it on good authority, Trelby is good, and look to the View Portal and Recent Posts - bottom left of the discussion page to see what's current and comment on other scripts. You'll get lots of reviews in return that way and lots of tips re your writing.

Julian,

My mistake... welcome to the crew. I look forward to reading more from you.

Ian

Hi Tony, LC and Ian

Not certain if this reply hits all you guys at same time - have to admit I've found the "reply" function a little confusing. I wanted to reply individually to you, but couldn't see how. Not only am new to writing but to such discussion boards.

Anyway, thanks again for following up on my short as well as the advice and the welcome. I'm re-writing the short incorporating all tips. And I've downloaded Celtx to try out (the short you all read I did manually) - so thanks, LC. I've also changed the ending - will re-post later if anyone is interested - no worries if you'd be over it though.

I'll also be reading and reviewing others' work as I go.  

I'll post other shorts later, too.

Julian

Julian, Look forward to seeing what you do with the changed ending and posting it in Celtx/PDF. When you post it to Don let him know it's a rewrite of your original.

Also if you want to reply to individual's feedback you can click on the button that says 'quote' (top right of their post) and either quote the entire passage, or just a few lines by deleting some of that member's text. It can be a bit tricky at first but you'll get the hang of it.

{quote=LC}your script is very good, blah, blah, blah {/quote}

I used { instead of [    otherwise it would convert it to quotable text.

[quote=LC]Julian, Look forward to seeing what you do with the changed ending and posting it in Celtx/PDF. When you post it to Don let him know it's a rewrite of your original.

Also if you want to reply to individual's feedback you can click on the button that says 'quote' (top right of their post) and either quote the entire passage, or just a few lines by deleting some of that member's text. It can be a bit tricky at first but you'll get the hang of it.

Thanks, LC.  I'll let Don know, too.  

Almost got it.  

[/quote]

at the end of my text you're quoting, and you've done it. Oh by the way you can EDIT your post by clicking right hand side Modify button - use FULL EDIT most times instead of EASY EDIT or you can get garbled text.

Oops, almost forgot, you can Preview your reply in the full edit version as well to see how your reply will look.

Quoted from LC Almost got it.

at the end of my text you're quoting, and you've done it. Oh by the way you can EDIT your post by clicking right hand side Modify button - use FULL EDIT most times instead of EASY EDIT or you can get garbled text.

Oops, almost forgot, you can Preview your reply in the full edit version as well to see how your reply will look.

[/quote]

Thanks, think I've got it now. If not, will soon!  

Julian

It's funny!

Two small thoughts. I think we only learn one of their names, Dave's, on page two (and in the closing line). If we know one, we should know both, and on a side note, I think it's better if we know neither. (To my ear, "Dave" is also an unfunny name, but that's just me.)

Also, I bumped at the acknowledgements of frustration on page three ("Why is this so difficult?" "You're just confusing things..." etc). I think that if the characters acknowledge they're being ridiculous, it kinda kills the comedy. Certainly it felt like it killed the momentum here.

Welcome to Simply!

Chris

Quoted from Heretic It's funny! Two small thoughts. I think we only learn one of their names, Dave's, on page two (and in the closing line). If we know one, we should know both, and on a side note, I think it's better if we know neither. (To my ear, "Dave" is also an unfunny name, but that's just me.) Also, I bumped at the acknowledgements of frustration on page three ("Why is this so difficult?" "You're just confusing things..." etc). I think that if the characters acknowledge they're being ridiculous, it kinda kills the comedy. Certainly it felt like it killed the momentum here. Welcome to Simply! Chris

Hi Chris

Thanks for reading and the tips.   I agree with you about the characters saying too much - in this case I "told" rather than "showed". Not sure about having names - but this is food for thought.

Thanks for the welcome to Simply!

Julian

Quoted from LC Julian, you should download screenwriting software: http://www.trelby.org http://www.celtx.com Both of these are free. It will make reading and writing your screenplays a whole lot easier and fix formatting - footers are not necessary btw and with the software your title and author details will be on a separate title page. In the same vein as Abbott and Costello's 'Who's On First' your story works pretty well. I got a few chuckles from it and the 'curly' line was a good one. What I would like to see at the end is Miles reach across the table and pluck that hair off Dave's face, or better still, perhaps the WAITRESS (having overhead this whole long-winded conversation) could do it. That'd be a nice turn around.   Good choice that you made this guys instead of girls too.

I wanted to let you know that Celtx doesn't download anything anymore.  All you do is sign in, create an account, and everything is now written on site.  If you use a smartphone or some other device, they have an app.  

If you have a group of people that you want to be in a project, they can all join and you can give them access.

So, no more software downloads, and no worrying if your computer is compatible with the software for Celtx.

I'm gonna read the story now.

Dan