L. P. Adams by Daniel J Santandrea - Short, Drama, Comedy - After learning of his daughter's illness, an aged author must take care of his grandson.  28 pages - pdf, format

Daniel,

Accept all comments for what they are worth.  If they help, embrace them.  Otherwise....

you call this a comedy, but I found little comedy in the script.  

We start with mom and LP arriving at grandpa's.  I might suggest that you skip LP in the car and just have grandpa dance.  that's good.

We get to the arrival, and it's too drawn out.  The boy runs to grandpa who swings him around.  Done.

Inside, the boy runs off.  Grandpa and daughter talk.  I don't see where the scenes with LP and Bently add anything.  Keep the focus on grandpa and daughter.  And cut out all the little chat that we know happens but adds little.  Simple, clean, direct.

Try doing the good-bye with LP without dialogue.  We know she loves him, and he loves her.  You don't need to say it, show it.

We see grandpa wax nostalgic, and that's fine.  Photos are a bit cliche, so if you can find something more original it would be better.

And why ask LP if he's hungry?  GP puts him in the car, and perhaps in the front seat because GP doesn't believe in child seats.  

I don't think the counters in diners are called bars.  You can skip the chit chat with Rhonda because it doesn't add anything.  The ordering is the same.  Get to the pancackes and milkshake and Bill the interloper.  

I don't understand why Alfred is hostile.  Give us a reason for that.  

Generally children don't pass out.  They sleep.  

I'm not sure why LP gets scared when GP wakes up.  Perhaps if GP grabs him, squeezes him, hits him?  

the story scene could be a good one, but how about a really good story.  Not a common bully on the playground story.  How about a story about Crazy Uncle Roy, or the house of blue lights, or if you want to foreshadow, how Bently the first died.

I don't know why GP makes the comment about losing 'her'.  Is that his wife or his daughter, and if it's his daughter, where is t he passage of time?  

When the dog wakes up GP, nothing happens?  You might have a good scene when LP tries to do the same, licking GP's face.  Would be touching.

Breakfast might be comedic and fun if GP dunks a soldier in his eggs, making LP laugh.

The story scene does nothing for me unless you want to imply he's a shoplifter.  And if he is, it makes no difference in the story.  

the basemen scene gives us GP's revelation that writing about LP will be better than writing about his mother.  Works OK but you need to push the envelope here.  

Now Alfred might be a great writer, but it takes more than a few hours to turn out a novel.  Perhaps a short story but not a novel.

Overall, I think this story is twice as long as it needs to be.  The general rule in designing scenes is to get in early and out late.  Skip all the pleasantries because the audience knows they will happen.  It's when they don't that you have a story.  So, the pivotal scene when mom admits to cancer can be short and sweet.  Get in late.  She's already told him.  He asks how long.  She says months if she does nothing, but there's an experimental program.  Pause.  GP says, I'll keep him.  And you get out here before the tears and the pain that is coming.  

I think you might try writing scenes without dialogue.  Show the audience what must happen.  If you go back to the scene when she says 'cancer', you can actually show her bald, the wig on the table.  Speaks volumes.

Best
Richard