An Astronaut's Nightmare by Kevin Doy Burton - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - An astronaut is placed inside of rocket ships hypo-sleep chamber on his way to Mars alone while the computer takes over. 8 pages - pdf, format

Problems I had seen immediately...

- No active writing, it reads like a novel not a screenplay.
- Format looks to be off (look for a free screenwriting program like celtx)

These problems were a little too much for me to continue. My advice is to read more scripts, get a free screenwriting program, and to focus on active writing.

There are numerous typos and you HAVE to write in present tense.  I will finish it, but, it's a pretty hard read.  People don't talk to themselves.  You're better off doing a voice over instead.  Or find some other clever way to get the info out.

And why would the wife ask if it's her birthday, wouldn't she already know that?

Also, pretty sure if a black hole opened up near Mars, we'd all be sucked in, so, the story would be pointless.

Eh, I didn't care for the ending.  Why would they tell him his fate so harshly?  It's pretty cliched.

Read some screenplays, and try to be original.

Good luck.

Mistakes in the logline is a very bad start.

The first page has formatting errors and we hear from Fred talking while he's asleep. Is this a VO? If so you need to say so. Ah, he's in a dream but you say this too late, plus the action is in the past tense.

All you action needs to be present tense as if you are the camera, tell us what we can see and hear as we would see and hear it on screen.

As it was this made me jump after the first page. As has been mentioned, get some screenwriting software and research script formatting, style and structure.

-Mark

As above posts indicate. This is all tell and no show. The errors are numerous. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite!

Hi Kev,

There are a number of issues with this script that need immediate work. Your slug needs spacings after the full stops, minor thing but just looks messy.

You need to set the scene. The scene heading tells us where we are but a small description is needed.

I presume Fred is not talking to anyone, so therefore you need (V.O) by his name to indicate voice over.

"While Fred was asleep in the chamber, the spaceship was approaching an asteroid belt. A meteor had hit the ship, and knocked it off course. Fred continues dreaming."

This is all wrong, not screenplay format at all.

You miss a scene heading when you go into his wife working on her novel, you need a scene heading to let us know where we are, also you need ages and descriptions with your characters.

Look at some other scripts on here to see where you have gone wrong.

Keep working at it.

Good luck.

Lee

I encountered the same problems with the script.

You've got FADE IN, without the colon. The first slug that follows, too much space between that and the FADE IN.

The first slug...

INT.ROCKET SHIP.NIGHT

Looks messy with no spacings.

Fred is inside of a hypo-sleep chamber.

When characters are first introduced their name must be in capitals, also... how old is Fred? You haven't included that. Generally people avoid using the word "is" as well, just bare that in mind.

Is Fred talking to himself at the start? If not, it should be (V.O) next to the character name.

The second set of action lines...

While Fred was asleep in the chamber, the spaceship was
approaching an asteroid belt. A meteor had hit the ship, and
knocked it off course. Fred continues dreaming.
Fred’s wife Elizabeth was typing away at her novel.

Was asleep? Was approaching? Was typing? That's past tense. You must try and write in the active voice.

Elizabeth should be capped, and again... how old is she? No indication here.

The "was" and the past tense continues throughout the entire script.

This was riddled with errors and I hate to say it... but it was an awful read.