Expired Food by Simon Wiedemann - Short, Comedy - People explode when they eat expired food. At first the reason why this happens is a mystery, but it becomes apparent that people are dying because the more one says proverbs, the more likely they are to become true. ('You are what you eat' - gone off). Cats also die every time someone is curious. However, a wise old man thinks he knows how to save the world. 52 pages - pdf, format

Expired Food - Part 2 by Simon Wiedemann - Short, Comedy - No Logline. 41 pages - pdf, format

What is with these mumble jumble loglines and 50+ page shorts?

Hi there,  since no one has read your script yet, I thought I'd give it a try.  It's a bit long for a short, like about 35 pages too long, but, lets see:

Good luck

1.  Rule 1 of screenwriting is SHOW, DON"T TELL.  Your opening statement is all show.  How can the filmmaker show what you have written?  You don't say montage them setting up a game show or anything else.  You have to show it to the viewer/producer/director etc.

2.  The first 3 pages are odd.  Why is this character still on the show if he's that disruptive?  I don't know how much you know about game shows, but, they test people out before going live.  And if he's disruptive, he won't ever get seen on TV.  

3.  page 4 you have a typo at the top, you have what is the ?rst I think you meant first?

4.  Again, he'd be escorted off the show long before getting this obnoxious.

5.  I'm up to page 11, and I'm sorry, this is just too "quirky" for me.  I might try a page or 2, but, if it doesn't get better, I'm out.  I mean, nothing makes sense.  At all.  And you have a lot of errors with the writing itself.

6.  You shouldn't give camera directions.  Let the cameraman do his job, same with telling the actors what to do or the director.  They have jobs, let them do them.

7.  Sorry, I got to page 19, but, it's only getting worse.  

Good luck with your script.  I don't understand anything I just read.

I wish I could offer you something, but, I can't think of anything that I'd like to put down.  I hope I haven't caught anything from reading this script.  I want to say bad things now,

Again, good luck,
Dan

I really don't agree, lol, I thought it was really funny. The English teacher at the school where my dad works loved it. Not all comedies have to make sense, the League of Gentlemen doesn't make any sense, but I liked that. The opening scene isn't the best scene, I admit, but it's an important part of the story.

Hello Simon,

The biggest problem I can see is your constant use of parentheticals -- the stuff in parentheses -- where you are directing the actors.

For example, "(looking forward to the answer)" is a particularly useless one, and you include them for virtually every line of dialogue.

You should lose darn near all of them.  Really.  They are a tool to be used very sparingly.

When dialogue is working correctly, they should not even be necessary at all.

Quoted from Simon I really don't agree, lol, I thought it was really funny. The English teacher at the school where my dad works loved it. Not all comedies have to make sense, the League of Gentlemen doesn't make any sense, but I liked that. The opening scene isn't the best scene, I admit, but it's an important part of the story.

It's very possible what might work in your country (I noticed that the League of Gentlemen was also a foreign (I think British) movie) won't work over here.

Some stuff like Monte' Python does work over here.  Some other overseas stuff works over here, but, and I'd like to think I have a pretty open mind, I did make it through GreenBridge and Jenna the Great, and both of those had pretty out there plots, but, I really couldn't make it through yours.  I'm sorry.

I do think that it is kind of important to perhaps scope your idea to the country you are submitting stuff in.  In your country, that might be really funny and awesome, but, here, in the USA, we might just not get it.  I don't mean that to say we're too high brow or something, it might be the set up and the delivery and the jokes or the subject matter doesn't appeal to us.  

I do think it's funny that people in your own country found it to be funny and I didn't.  Again, good luck with it.  I hope someone can give you good advice.  I don't think anyone has made it through the entire script yet.

I was thinking the same thing about American humour being different. I don't intend to send my script to any American companies, though. I read that you shouldn't use parentheticals too much (I'm very new to writing and have no education on the subject - I guess it shows), but I wanted the script to be exactly the way I wanted it to be. If anyone has a problem with the parentheticals, they can just ignore them, lol. I think you should read my script all the way through, I think Missile Art and The Pizza Man are great scenes. How arrogant and American of me, lol. Only joking, I like Americans. Even though I don't have much of a writing education I have watched comedies and tried to be funny all my life, so I at least think I know what's funny... Arrogance again :S I hope no one minds if I try and review other comedies?