Thorsten

Quoted from Equinox I'm not a native english speaker, so I especially appreciate the hints to bad formed or unrealistic dialog.

- That's impressive because the writing is pretty solid, there are some great lines in there. It was just on occasion that I noticed some grammatical errors but to your credit, on the basis of this script, you seem to have a better grasp on the language than some of us native speakers so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

Quoted from Equinox About the grandma/mother thing - Marshal's mother is in hospital, she's in coma. The grandma witnessed the attack, that's why the cops say they will speak to the witness first before Tony can make his call. Sorry if this is a bit confusing (or not clear enough), I thought it would be obvious the grandma and Marshal's mother are two different persons. I will look into that as well.

- Ok, I get it, I thought the grandma was Tony's only victim. I didn't know she was just a witness. Looking back over the script, there is an exchange between John and Tony when he's first thrown in the cell that spells this out:

JOHN
You can make your call after we
spoke to the witness.

Tony breaks out in a boastful laughter.

TONY
Witness? That granny wouldn't even
recognize her own grandchild, man!
Are you serious?

I should've picked up on that so its not a fault of yours.

I think what got me thinking that the grandma was the sole victim is on the next page when Tony tells Marshal:

TONY
These.. haha.. these jerks believe
that grandma is able to identify
me. She.. Hahaha.. She was picking
up her dog's shit when I knocked
out that bitch and took her purse.

I understand now that you are talking about two different people; the grandma picking up her dog's sh?t and the ""bit?h whose purse he's stolen. However, when I was reading it I thought he was talking about the same person. That the grandma was picking up her dog's shit when he knocked her out and took her purse, you know what I mean?

Anyway, in short, its my misreading of it as opposed to there being an issue with how you've written it. Maybe put "other" before "bit?h" to clarify it for fools like me

Quoted from Equinox I agree Marshal's turn in the end is probably a bit too artificial. I'm rewriting this and add a part which displays Marshal's strong relationship to his mother, to make his shock and the following turn more realistic in the end.

- Hmm, yeah I dunno if this will help because while it will reinforce the tragedy it will also signpost the twist even more for the reader. As soon as you put emphasis on Marshal's (who seems to hate everybody else) close bond with his mother, it will get us anticipating the revelation about Tony's victim. I'd just be mindful of that counter effect.

Yeah, John's "His Mother" line should definitely go, it doesn't do your twist any favors.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Hey col,

thanks for the encouraging words. I've always liked the english language, already loved the english literature courses back at school, but still - I'm not used to speaking it every day, so there's always some uncertainty in writing in english.

I think the rewrite will improve the story quite a bit, I'll post it here when I've finished it, but there's still some other things I'm busy with, so not sure if I'll make it this weekend.

Thanks again for the help.

Hi Thorsten,
I enjoyed reading the script, but the ending needs some improvement to be less rushed and more convincing. Keep up good work!

Blimey, I just discovered you are not native English speaker, just like me!

Finally found time to rewrite this.

Here's the new version:
Points Of View Rewrite