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My first go at a single-location short and also my first script outside the usual scifi/fantasy genre. Hope you enjoy it. Is there any way to exchange the link to the script?
Hey Thorsten: I gave this a read. There are typos and format issues throughout. Here are a couple of suggestions from the first two pages:
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Two POLICE OFFICERS, RAYMOND BURR (45) and JOHN SCHOLES (3 lead a YOUNG MAN in cuffs through a hallway and into a cell.
Raymond Burr is a famous actor (just in case you didn't know).
The YOUNG MAN character (MARSHALL) is introduced twice. I probably would only introduce him once - i.e., either describe and name him when first introduced or don't CAP young man.
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The man is MARSHAL GROVES, he is barely fourteen years old. He wears a nosering and below his shirt, the edges of a big tattoo are visible on his neck.
Marshal has a strong build for his age, definitely a threatening posture.
Typo on nosering. Should be two words. IMO, this could be shortened a bit. e.g.,
The young man is MARSHAL GROVES (14), strong threatening build. He wears a nose ring - tattoos creep up his neck.
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Without a further reaction, the police officers make him sit down on a bench in the cell.
What did they do to "Make" him. Describe that (e.g., shoved him to the bench). Also, don't think you need "without further reaction."
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They exit the cell and lock up the door.
You don't need "up".
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JOHN You can make your call after we spoke to the witness.
I think you mean "speak"
Other stuff.
The constant HAHAHA from Tony is a bit tedious.
There are several places where I'm not sure the emotional description works. Here are two that come to mind:
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Tony's face reveals he's getting horny.
Jenna seems awkward upon his behaviour.
What does a horny face look like? Have him give her a wink or purse his lips in a feign kissed. Whatever - just let us know what we are seeing. I don't have a sense of what "awkward upon his behavior" means.
The Cops dialogue was a little too cliche IMO.
In terms of the story - I quite liked it. It is a nice premise. I do think that you foreshadowed the fact that he whacked Marshall's mother much too soon - i.e., a little heavy handed - I could see it coming for 4 pages so it lost it's impact for me when it arrived.
Not sure you need the Jenna character at all. I think it would pack more punch if the cops that hated Marshall were the ones to deliver the bad news to him.
I think the story is worth a re-write. It has a solid premise.
Hope these notes help. Keep in mind they are only my opinion - others may differ.
Hello eldave, thanks for the read and your notes. Didn't know about Raymond Burr, just googled him, I know the face but didn't know the name.
About emotional descriptions, that's a bit of a riddle to me. I don't want to dictate every facial muscle after all, so I think somebody who is as over the top as Tony getting horny should be imaginable. But I'm never sure there what's self-explanatory enough and what needs more detail.
What issues did you find about the format? I use a tool for the writing which I'd expect to get the format right.
Hello eldave, thanks for the read and your notes. Didn't know about Raymond Burr, just googled him, I know the face but didn't know the name.
About emotional descriptions, that's a bit of a riddle to me. I don't want to dictate every facial muscle after all, so I think somebody who is as over the top as Tony getting horny should be imaginable. But I'm never sure there what's self-explanatory enough and what needs more detail.
What issues did you find about the format? I use a tool for the writing which I'd expect to get the format right.
Will look into the other points, thanks again.
First, in terms of format - my mistake - no issues there from my end. I really meant style (areas where you could have shortened things up).
In terms of emotional descriptions - that is a bit of a struggle for me as well. But I think it's important. Here is a good example from the web I ran across:
Instead of writing, “Tom walks confidently into the hotel, a mischievous smile on his face.”
Write, “Tom breezes into the hotel, snatching a drink from the tray of a waiter as he passes.”
In the latter case there is something the reader can see that indicates confidence. In the case I cited from your script:
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Tony's face reveals he's getting horny.
Yes, it's to the point - I just don't think you can get away with it. You could do it with dialogue:
TONY (flirtatious) Well, hello.
Or action (already gave an example).
Now the good news is that you could very well get other reviewers who think just the opposite - i.e., what you have is perfectly okay. That's one of the cool things about this site. - Good luck.
Okay, got you. It's a first draft, so definately have to go through it again and shorten a few passages, thanks for the parts you pointed out, appreciate it. Now that I read over it again, I think you are right about Jenna. She isn't really necessary and I'll probably get rid of her.
Hey Thorsten, I'm gonna give this a read for you. You know the drill. So, here goes:
They already mentioned American Godzilla's Raymond Burr (the original Godzilla did NOT have Raymond Burr in it until the movie was shown here. He was added to help the american audiences understand what Godzilla was doing. You can tell by the camera lights that don't match. Pretty cool history.
1. I know this is a pet peeve of mine, but, you write "The man is MARSHAL GROVES, he is barely fourteen years old. He wears a nosering and below his shirt, the edges of a big tattoo are visible on his neck.
I find this so awkward to read. Couldn't you have just written: The two officers lead neck tattooed MARSHAL GROVES (Mid Teens), nose ring, towards his cell.
2. I doubt John would say "you better shut it, kid" He'd say "shut it, Kid"
3. Page 2, his face reveals. That isn't right. Just say he's pissed or something.
4. Why split up the description of Tony? that doesn't make sense to me.
5. page 2 you say "after we SPOKE to the witness" Shouldn't be until we speak or until we have spoken to the witness(or witnesses)?
6. You give too much description. Like "Tony laughs out loud about his own joke" etc. Why do you say so much. Tony laughs. That's all you really need. How does the director or cameraman show he's laughing at his own joke? Either just say "he laughs" or have him laugh at something tangible like Marshall's tattoo or something.
7. Why would Tony confess his crime? Marshall could be called as a witness if the cops overhear it.
8. Page 5 you say "footsteps are heard" I think this is pretty passive. You want active verbs. Footsteps get their attention, so, they stop talking. Or something like that.
9. No description for Jenna Harris.
10. Again with the face reveal. Just say he tries to hide a bulge in his pants or something. He eyes her up and down imagining her on top of him. Create images.
11. How does one "seem" awkward? And if she's a counselor or something, she's been trained in psychopathic tendencies. He looks and acts like he has no empathy, clear psychopath.
12. Wow, very spiderman like. He's locked in the cell with the man who put his mom in a coma. Nice touch. Best part of the story so far. I love the irony. I love the small world connection (I'm a big believer in the it's a small world after all concept where if you let someone live, that person makes an impact later on etc)...
13. No description for Mr. Parsons. And why is he so scared of a 14 year old? He's gotta be bigger and stronger. I know Marshal is crazy and whatnot, but, he's 14.
14. Sorry, I don't buy the ending. It's too fast. I get that it might be a catalyst for him to start his change, but, no way he'd be a changed man. You also don't have him make a connection that he will turn into Tony if he stays on that path. You need to finish off the connection of Tony and Marshal.
It's a good story, but, incomplete in that you make him change too easily and quickly. A person doesn't change that fast.
Look at Spiderman. He lets the thief go. He goes home and finds out Uncle Ben has been killed. When he goes after the killer, only after he pummels him half to death does he realize who he was. But, it took a death and a crisis of identity mixed in with guilt for his Aunt May, whom he silently has to answer to, which he never really does. But, that drives him. Consumes him.
You have to show how his mom being in the hospital and seeing Tony's laughter over and over consumes him. Changes him. Then I can believe that he's sorry.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I'm a single location commenting sort of guy. Read with care.
I like the irony of this story. The bad boy bonds with the guy who killed the bad boy's mother. Oops. Awkward at best. What I didn't find convincing was the kid's change of heart at the end. Marshal is incorrigible at 14. He assaults his teacher and threatens the teacher's wife. This is not a guy who is going to flip when his mom gets mugged. If you want that to happen, you should set it up earlier. It's easy for Marshal to have words with Tony over a reference to Marshal's mother. 'say one more word about my mother and I'll rips your balls off and stuff them down your throat.' Something like would show us that Marshal has feelings for at least one person. I just don't believe Marshal who has done this sort of thing before is going to fold this time. But that's me.
And here's an idea. Instead of Jenna telling Marshal about the mugging, why not let Mashal figure it out? He and Tony chat, and when Tony starts to give out details, and Marshal asks more questions, suddenly, they both figure out that Tony has just mugged Marshal's mother. Now you have a real fight on your hands. who wins?
thanks for your read and your ideas. I'm rewriting this and I'm adding the reference to his feelings for his mother in the discussion with Tony. That came to my mind following Dan's comments about the too quick turn of Marshal in the end.
Having Marshal figure it out on his own while talking to Tony and getting both in a fight doesn't really fit to the story. The idea of the story is to have Marshal change his 'point of view' from a bad guy / perpetrator into a lost guy / victim. A fight between Marshal and Tony wouldn't capture that.
Great opening image, particularly in how you depict Marshal, being so young yet looking so intimidating.
“His face reveals he is really pissed off.”
- I would drop this line as you've already given enough indication of his mood through dialogue and action.
“While Tony talks he still fights a laughing fit.”
- For someone who looked "worn out" when he entered the cell he's certainly gotten a new lease of life now.
“The steps come closer and an about thirty year old woman approaches the cell. This is JENNA HARRIS.”
- How about changing this to:
"The steps come closer, JENNA HARRIS late 20s/early30's) approaches the cell"
Reads much smoother I reckon while still conveying all the information you had.
“Jenna seems awkward upon his behaviour.”
- Ironically, this line reads very awkwardly too. “Upon” has no right being there.
MARSHAL Do that, and greet him from me.
- This reads strange, maybe it’s a slang thing or how you say it around your parts. How about:
"and say hello to him from me"
or
"and tell him I said hello"
or
"and send him my regards/best wishes."
MARSHAL Yeah right, good luck with it. I'm sure all her sainthood made her frigid anyway.
- Ha, great line.
RAYMOND Hey, your time is up!
- Wow, that was a quick five minutes.
RAYMOND You better shut up man. This time you've gone too far. That woman you attacked is in coma, better pray she doesn't die.
- So I'm going to throw it out there that the grandma Tony attacked is connected to Marshal somehow...or are you intentionally misleading us into drawing that conclusion? I hope so. It couldn't be Marshal's mother surely? Maybe it's Mr. Parsons' mother...reading on...
TONY (O.S.) This whole thing is purely arbitrary!
- Ha, I had to laugh at this. What an odd (or even arbitrary!) term to throw out at this particular moment. Maybe that’s the point.
JENNA Mr. Parsons confirmed your story, you're off the hook.
- What a chicken sh?t?
JENNA I understand, we'll take care for him.
- “for” should be “of”
“John walks off.”
- Is he really going to leave Jenna alone with Marshal who now has to take him somewhere he clearly won't want to go. Seems very irresponsible and only asking for trouble.
To your credit, in reading on I see that you don’t use it as a plot point (i.e. to allow Marshal escape or cause more sh?t) so I guess it’s not too much of a problem. However, I think it would be more believable and professional of John to escort Marshal with Jenna given the boy’s character.
Would Marshal not be let visit his mother in hospital? Would the authorities be allowed to just send him off to the asylum like that? It feels like this was constructed for dramatic purpose, to drive the point home of how alone and helpless Marshal is now than it actually being something which would happen in real life.
JENNA Marshal, that woman was your mother.
- Oh so it was his mother. Unfortunately, I think most readers will see this coming. It’s the most obvious conclusion once Raymond comes in with the printout and John says “His mother?” So much so that, as you’d have seen from my notes, I presumed you were purposefully leading us astray from what was really going on.
Predictability aside, didn't Tony say it was a grandma he attacked? Marshal is only 14 years of age. How old could his mother be?
I feel the script needs some work. I did enjoy the read for the most part and appreciated your courage in portraying Marshal (and then Tony) as amoral and unapologetic as possible during their exchanges without flinching or holding back, how both were getting mutually perverse kicks from each other’s nastiness. I have to respect you for going all the way with that, following through with your convictions. Marshal is certainly an intriguing character and I was curious to see where he would lead us.
However, the ultimate resolution and so called “twist” was forecasted long before it lands and thus fell totally flat, very disappointing. Also, the untended message of the script which I gleaned from both the title and the very last moment was rather heavy handed and reductive. I mean, are you implying that Marshal has a whole new perspective now since this time it’s his own mother at the receiving end of the violence he so gleefully metes out to others? Is that the impression you’re leaving us with? Is that all you are trying to say here?
Besides being overly simplistic I don’t think Marshal, or anybody for that matter, would process the news he’s just heard so quickly and be ready to make that kind of apology. Maybe down the line when he’s had chance to take stock of the situation, his own choices and consequences of those actions would he begin to properly and rationally asses what has happened...but to have him come full circle right there and say sorry would never happen. I’m no shrink but from my experience I just don’t believe humans are wired that way...except in the movies of course in order to fit a contrived ending.
Lots to like here, man, just not the (supposed) twist ending and overall message.
thank you too for the read and your great notes. Glad you enjoyed reading it. I'm not a native english speaker, so I especially appreciate the hints to bad formed or unrealistic dialog.
About the grandma/mother thing - Marshal's mother is in hospital, she's in coma. The grandma witnessed the attack, that's why the cops say they will speak to the witness first before Tony can make his call. Sorry if this is a bit confusing (or not clear enough), I thought it would be obvious the grandma and Marshal's mother are two different persons. I will look into that as well.
I agree Marshal's turn in the end is probably a bit too artificial. I'm rewriting this and add a part which displays Marshal's strong relationship to his mother, to make his shock and the following turn more realistic in the end.
And I also agree, John blows the suspense when he speaks out 'his mother?' - will fix that as well.
This shows how much it helps to get the reaction of readers, they realize things a writer doesn't see when in tunnel view..
I'm not a native english speaker, so I especially appreciate the hints to bad formed or unrealistic dialog.
- That's impressive because the writing is pretty solid, there are some great lines in there. It was just on occasion that I noticed some grammatical errors but to your credit, on the basis of this script, you seem to have a better grasp on the language than some of us native speakers so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.
About the grandma/mother thing - Marshal's mother is in hospital, she's in coma. The grandma witnessed the attack, that's why the cops say they will speak to the witness first before Tony can make his call. Sorry if this is a bit confusing (or not clear enough), I thought it would be obvious the grandma and Marshal's mother are two different persons. I will look into that as well.
- Ok, I get it, I thought the grandma was Tony's only victim. I didn't know she was just a witness. Looking back over the script, there is an exchange between John and Tony when he's first thrown in the cell that spells this out:
JOHN You can make your call after we spoke to the witness.
Tony breaks out in a boastful laughter.
TONY Witness? That granny wouldn't even recognize her own grandchild, man! Are you serious?
I should've picked up on that so its not a fault of yours.
I think what got me thinking that the grandma was the sole victim is on the next page when Tony tells Marshal:
TONY These.. haha.. these jerks believe that grandma is able to identify me. She.. Hahaha.. She was picking up her dog's shit when I knocked out that bitch and took her purse.
I understand now that you are talking about two different people; the grandma picking up her dog's sh?t and the ""bit?h whose purse he's stolen. However, when I was reading it I thought he was talking about the same person. That the grandma was picking up her dog's shit when he knocked her out and took her purse, you know what I mean?
Anyway, in short, its my misreading of it as opposed to there being an issue with how you've written it. Maybe put "other" before "bit?h" to clarify it for fools like me
I agree Marshal's turn in the end is probably a bit too artificial. I'm rewriting this and add a part which displays Marshal's strong relationship to his mother, to make his shock and the following turn more realistic in the end.
- Hmm, yeah I dunno if this will help because while it will reinforce the tragedy it will also signpost the twist even more for the reader. As soon as you put emphasis on Marshal's (who seems to hate everybody else) close bond with his mother, it will get us anticipating the revelation about Tony's victim. I'd just be mindful of that counter effect.
Yeah, John's "His Mother" line should definitely go, it doesn't do your twist any favors.
thanks for the encouraging words. I've always liked the english language, already loved the english literature courses back at school, but still - I'm not used to speaking it every day, so there's always some uncertainty in writing in english.
I think the rewrite will improve the story quite a bit, I'll post it here when I've finished it, but there's still some other things I'm busy with, so not sure if I'll make it this weekend.
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