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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Take Moderators: bert
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eldave1
Posted: May 22nd, 2015, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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Hey Tbone - like the others - I got lost in this one. A couple of nit comments from the first couple of pages:


Quoted Text
You’re a life savor.


Think it should be saver.


Quoted Text
SHE
Oh, my god. Ma'am, are you okay? Wait...


"Ma'am" from a 20 year old to a 20 year old didn't seem right.


Quoted Text
Beside the body is a purse. It’s spilled open. Heroin paraphernalia, spilling from it.


This could be crisper - you don't need spilled twice. i.e., Heroin, paraphernalia, spill from a purse next to the body.

Good luck



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Max
Posted: May 22nd, 2015, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Quoted from eldave1
Hey Tbone - like the others - I got lost in this one. A couple of nit comments from the first couple of pages:



Think it should be saver.



"Ma'am" from a 20 year old to a 20 year old didn't seem right.



This could be crisper - you don't need spilled twice. i.e., Heroin, paraphernalia, spill from a purse next to the body.

Good luck



Yeah, it could be crisp like...

Beside the body, a purse, filled with drug paraphernalia.

Re-done in two seconds, that's all it takes...

Somebody could revise what I wrote, into a better version but it ain't needed... as long as you get the image across... that's it.
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