Cupid and Psyche: A Modern Romance :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Ladies,

Most comments will never be mistaken for gods.  Read with a whim.

I'll comment as I go.

First line from Cupid..'Whose' is not 'Who's'  The line should be 'Who's bringing home whom?'

I'm not sure why you do the split screen since they're side by side, but I'll run with it.  at this point, I sure hope Venus comes back.

Morning.  I don't know why Cupid owes her since it was her turn.  If you don't show us the guy from the bedroom, why is it important that he's not like the last one?

Venus is back...good.  Chit chat and more wrylies than I would recommend but we're moving.  Don't substitute wrylies for good dialogue.  The words should dictate the delivery.

We get to the bar.  It is difficult to translate what's inside Cupid's mind into action.  Can you dream up some action that shows his reluctance?  The audience can't read the screenplay as we go along.

when the text messages explain what's going to happen, why show it?  Another number on a napkin?  Think of a new delivery system?

Psyche in the bar by herself?   What's the point.  Is mom coming back at some point?  Lots of dialogue for info that could be given quickly.

The flash can be handled more quickly.  Is the knowledge about Mark's rapes needed?

Cupid and Psyche hitch up, and that's good.  I think they use too much formal language for room mates and lovers, but that's me.

OK, we get a very convenient phone text from Venus, and how in the world can Psyche expect Cupid to be true when he  had the Brazilian girl just a few nights earlier as well as a host of others, right?  They both have entertained countless others, what's the big deal?

The next scene doesn't do it for me.  These two sound as if they escaped from some 1940s flick about the aristocracy.  One month does sound good, though.

Next scene.  I always advise to get into the scene late and leave early.  So, skip her coming in.  We're past the 'how are things going' chitchat.  The meat is when they get to Cupid's faithfulness of lack thereof.  Jump into that and ramp up the heat.  And do we need Psyche wondering about her sisters' opinions?  She knows, right?

Do text messages really come in complete sentences?  The whole idea is to make it shorthand, right?

Psyche succumbs to her fears.  She doesn't need the internal dialogue does she?  I mean, it's the same discussion we just went through.  Cupid's response is beyond imagination.  It's a one-time thing, and he leaves?  Does he love her?  First time?  Sorry, I don't buy it.

Psyche with Venus works quite well.  Venus sets up Psyche.  I buy it.

The scene with the package works.

The flash with cupid is slow and clumsy when it should be fast.  We're nearing the climax, things have to speed up.

And Cupid is suddenly over his fit?

I don't see Psyche being so badass.  A punch in the nose would be a lot more telling.

Last scene is a let down.  that's it?  Hmmmm

Overall, this feels overlong.  The characters are too mercurial for me.  I know the gods acted on impulse and jealousy, but that doesn't translate well on screen.  I would like to see Venus get her comeuppence.  And I think Cupid should be put at risk at some point.  He should have to go through hell to get Psyche back, not just find her in the alley.

The dialogue is far too formal for my taste.  Friends don't speak in complete sentences.  They use a shorthand that often doesn't make sense to someone else.  I would recommend you work on that.  Cupid and Psyche should have their own little patois.

something like.

CUPID: Who's getting lucky?
PSYCHE: Weren't you chanting samba lyrics last night?
CUPID: My sick Aunt just took a turn for the worse.
PSYCHE: He prefers blueberry pancakes...I asked.

They've done this a hundred times.  It's enough.  And it should happen throughout the story.  Same with Venus and sisters.  Trim.

Best
Richard