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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Room 8 Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Room 8 by Phil Richards - Short, Drama - A man on the run must struggle to separate delusion from reality when he’s forced to share his motel room for the night with a peculiar and enigmatic stranger. 22 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  June 9th, 2015, 10:52am
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rendevous
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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I had a bit of problem reading with this Man 1 and Man 2 business. I think you'd be far better naming them, as they are around for quite a while. I'd comment more, but I've no idea if you'll even read this. If you are, and you wonder what I thought abouut the rest, then post a comment to confirm. Otherwise we'll just never know.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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PhillipRichards
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comment.  I didn't want to name the characters, thought it would give a Kafkaesque feel to it (and, no, I'm not comparing myself to Kafka, just talking about a state of mind here).

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PhillipRichards  -  June 6th, 2015, 3:20pm
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DS
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PhillipRichards
Thanks for the comment.  I didn't want to name the characters, thought it would be more effective if they remained anonymous.


I agree 100% with Ren. I opened this and it was hard to differentiate who exactly is speaking with names like Man 1/Man 2. So a suggestion:

I think you could still achieve that anonymity in a more reader-friendly way by giving them them obscure names like Suit, baldy etc. as long as they aren't too similar.
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PhillipRichards
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Good idea, DS.  Think I'll work on that. Thanks.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PhillipRichards
...and, no, I'm not comparing myself to Kafka, just talking about a state of mind here...


He took a lot of drugs.

Some of his stuff is unintelligible drug induced bullshit... but there are a couple of gems in there. I once owned a copy of his complete works. Never managed to get through it all, there's only so much Kafka anyone can take. Although he does have his fans. I tried.

I'll crack open your script when I'm less tired. In fact, I'll open it in another tab and it'll still be there tomorrow. I'll let you know what I think. Fair warning, I can be a bit of a dick sometimes.
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PhillipRichards
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not a big fan of Kafka, but I liked "The Metamorphosis" and Orson Welles's film adaptation of "The Trial" was great.
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rendevous
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Franz,

Sorry, I mean Phil. Good to hear from you. I see you're working on DS's suggestion. Let me know when you're done and I'll give it a read.

Personally I like to compare myself to Kubrick. He too spent ages working on something. Only to bin it. I'd like to have more in common with him. But I don't. Ho hum. At least I didn't make Eyes Wide Shut.  

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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Not sure if you'd like help with your syntax but I'm going to give it as that is what stands out to me while reading. I actually edit it myself and flip your sentences around for you. That shows that you're not doing your job adequately. I don't do that for everybody, only when the writing stands out as being quite poor. Not that you're a bad writer, you just need some hints and tips that will make you even better and help you gain more reads. I'm going to go out of my way and point out what I believe are issues, you are then free to tell me what an idiot I am for not recognising greatness when it is thrust in front of my face.

Code

EXT. THE MOTEL - DAY (LATE AFTERNOON)
A car pulls into the parking lot of an isolated motel
located in flat, desolate country. The parking lot is empty.



In the above action block you make a point of mentioning the parking lot. IMO, this wastes valuable space and serves to slow the read. Instead try something like:

EXT. MOTEL - PARKING LOT - DAY

Then in the action go on to describe what we can see in this location.

EXT. MOTEL - PARKING LOT - DAY

Isolated. Every space empty.

A car pulls in and parks.


All those other words in your action are unnecessary and merely serve to add fluff that slows  the read. You don't have to be as tight as that, as I've used your words and condensed them into what's important. Just make sure that every word counts for something. That could be atmosphere or even pacing.

Code

The room is late ’60’s decor.



The word 'is' is always a sure sign of overwriting. Whenever you see that always look for a better way around it. For example the above would read far better like this:

Late 60s decor.

Code

The room is late ’60’s decor. A bit run down, but
clean. There are two single beds separated by a nightstand.
In the rear is a table and two chairs.



Late 60s decor. Run down, but clean.  A table and two
chairs. A nightstand separates two single beds.


All your own words. Don't be so specific, trust your readers to have an imagination too.

Code

MAN 1 tosses his suitcase on one of the beds. He thinks for
a moment, then slides the suitcase under one of the beds. He
grabs an ice bucket and exits, leaving the door ajar.



Look at the above action block. It reads messy because you write 'one of the beds' twice. It's an annoying piece of action to read. Maybe it would be fine on screen.. but to read it is hard work. As a writer it is your job to make things go down as smoothly as possible, that means avoiding clunky action lines like this. If you can't write around it then do something else. Here's one way I can think of writing around your issue:

MAN 1 tosses his suitcase onto one of the beds then thinks
better of it and places it underneath. He grabs an ice bucket
and exits, leaving the door ajar.


Still your words, but no repeats.

Code

As he’s filling the ice bucket he sees a car enter the lot
and park next to his. A man gets out, takes a large gym bag
from the car and enters MAN 1’s room.



The above reads OK, but you've mentioned 'car' twice and it's avoidable.

As he’s filling the ice bucket he sees a car enter the lot
and park next to his. A man gets out, takes a large gym bag
from the rear seat and enters MAN 1’s room.


Simply switch out the second 'car' for 'rear seat'. Also you should cap new characters. This second man would be intro'd as MAN2.

I should also say that I agree with the previous posters that the characters should have names, even if they're nicknames.

Why would he phone and then go to the office personally afterwards? I think he'd phone once more first.

All in all not a bad story if a tad unrealistic. The dialogue and interactions between the two men need work and is what this story hinges on. Get that right and you could have a cracking little story.

Some of your later action blocks also need splitting up... but put into practise some of my earlier advice and that should naturally fall into place. It would also help you to stick around here.

Good luck.

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PhillipRichards
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, for the review, Dustin. I agree that I'm still a bit wordy in my action descriptions and I've gone through it again and, I hope, pared things down without making it too terse and dry.  
I think that I can honestly say that the dialogue and interaction between the characters is as good as I can get it. I think it's saying what I want it to. What we may be seeing here is me bumping up against the limits of whatever talent I have as a writer. I've gone over this thing more times than I care to think about and I don't believe that I can improve on it.  However, as always, I can't shake the feeling that there's something more I could do that's just out of my reach. All that being said, if anyone has suggestions, I'm more than grateful to hear them. I'm going to let it sit and age for a few hours, then post the revised version.

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PhillipRichards  -  June 8th, 2015, 12:15am
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RichardR
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Phillip,

Always read comments with a jaundiced eye.

Here is my problem with this script.  It relies too much on coincidence.  Man 2 just happens to be riding around and spots a car and goes through some back yards and just happens to hear people having sex and just happens to see nick and the babe get axed and just happens to see the money and just happens to be able to run back to his car and follow man 1 to the motel and it just happens to be the motel where our intrepid clerk works.  And the clerk just happens to see the money on a camera that just happens to be in the right place.  catch my drift?  Yes, things can happen that way, but when they do, the story suffers.  

I do like your dialogue between the men.  I don't think it would play out exactly this way, but I'll buy it, once we get past all the lucky breaks.  The action portions work for the most part.  

Best
Richard
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PhillipRichards
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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The new version is now here.  If anyone wants to check it out I'd be anxious to hear any comments.
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PhillipRichards
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking out my script, RichardR. MAN 2 wasn't just riding around, he was on his way home to pick up some things before fleeing the police. I can see how that might not have come across in the script and I've explained that in a revision; thanks for pointing it out.  
He didn't just happen to go through some back yards, he specifically went through MAN 1's back yard to get into the rear door of his house to avoid the police survalience out front. He didn't just happen to see MAN 1's wife and NICK going at it, he heard their loud sounds of lovemaking as he was walking by the house and went to check it out. He didn't just happen to be able to get to his car to follow MAN 1, it was parked in front of the house because he went through MAN 1's back yard to get to his own house. I suppose it could be coincidence that the crazy desk clerk worked at that motel, just as it could've been coincidental that Norman Bates worked at the motel that the fleeing embezzler checked into or that there happened to be a poltergiest at the house that the Freeling family bought. The DESK CLERK checked MAN 1 into the room with the camera for a definite reason, to be able to spy on him. In the course of his voyeuristic pursuits, he saw the money; not coincidence.
But anyway, thanks again for taking the time to comment on my script, I did make a couple of changes because of your comments.

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PhillipRichards  -  June 10th, 2015, 9:34pm
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