Btw, I liked the violence in this one Dustin as well, I'm always down with some teeth smashing goodness.

Maybe you should've added a curbstomp in there somewhere.

You stay up late Max. I'm knackered by midnight usually.

I tend to write violence really well, probably because I've seen so much of it. I don't like to be cliche though, I like to keep it real. That curb stomp in American History X is something I'll never forget but would never want to imitate in one of my own stories. I prefer to borrow from real life rather than film. But that was good. Probably something the writer himself borrowed from a real life event, but that's his story. I think I'd feel dirty if I used something like that. I don't like the feeling I'm getting right now just from the idea of it. It's such a specialised piece of violence that if I used it everyone would be taken to American History X rather than concentrating on what I want them to see.

Hey Dustin,
     I am gonna give this a read.  I've read some of the comments, so, this should be interesting.

1. Question, you say a steady heartbeat, which I imagine him to be calm, like the 60 beats per second, the average, but, then you say his muscles are filled with rage, which implies that his heart beat should be faster, more savage.  Just my opinion.

2.  Wait, so, they have sex while her husband watches TV???????????

3.  So, she's having sex and he's watching a porno and jacking off, interesting.

4.  One question.  You suggested that I had far too many asides that couldn't be filmable.  Such as she feels the blade enter her back.  

I get that, but, you have a lot of asides.  How do we show stuff like "what does he want now"

So, I guess my question is, why is it okay here, but, not when I did it?
Just to be clear, I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm trying to learn why it works, but, mine didn't.  By learning these things, it can help me make the choices for my stories be the best they can be.

It was dark, no doubt.  

I guess my biggest issue is why?  I get he's pissed that everyone failed him.  He has nowhere to go.  

I also get the fact that it has no dialog, which is really pretty cool, and yet, it was a fast easy read.  I was really impressed with that.  I thought it'd be a hard read, but, it wasn't.

The story was raw, intense, but, why?  Why would he go on a path of terror to end up back in jail, or dead?  

I don't know if you've ever done coke or have known anyone who has, but, his heartbeat won't calm down.  It's a stimulant and it'd be racing like 200 beats per min so, he wouldn't be calm with the girlfriend.  He'd be stomping around, bouncing off the walls like a manic person would.  

I've seen people on too much coke and it isn't pretty.  And why didn't he overdose on it?  It sure seems like he would have.

Like I said, I get the story, I just don't know what his goal was.  Just to be a god and determine who lives, who dies, mass chaos etc?  

Good luck with it Dustin.

Dan

He's filled with rage because he is angry at the world around him. When in jail one learns to hold the rage down, but it's there all the same, which is why it kicks off so much inside. Somebody is always getting beaten or stabbed, couple that with being confined and one just learns to hold shit down, keep it just beneath the surface.

I never once mentioned your asides mate. That must have been somebody else.

In regard to 'what does he want now?' that can be shown as a look on the actor's face, which is down to them to convey. The context and the look should convey that statement. I disagree that it isn't filmable.

I've taken lots and lots of coke, mate. In the past, of course. I don't think my heart would cope with it these days. I think anyone 40+ should avoid cocaine. I've slept while high on coke and X. Your heart rate will still rise and calm while high on coke... at least, in my experience it does. I was quite regular on it at one time but stopped as it was causing psychosis. I was getting paranoid and forgetting things. It's worse than weed when you take the shit every day.

The point of the story is that it is pointless. These guys get out of jail with nothing and end up back in the same old circle that wound them up there in the first place. For many they simply don't know any other way. They can't work for the man as they want to be free from those type of societal constraints. So in their search for freedom, they ironically end up in jail. Most are just confused. Don't realise that they are where they are because society needs a counterbalance. You cannot have haves without have nots.

Quoted from DustinBowcot You cannot have haves without have nots.

I think that was a Cervantes quote. Bloody hell. We'll all be sitting round the fireplace sipping wine in velvet jackets whilst puffing on pipes next.

Until I read Pia's review, and your response, I didn't realise this would be mainly silent, apart from the heartbeat. At first I liked this idea. For a start it's brave, and that's always good.

I remember the stories about people going into see The Artist, then walking out five minutes after it started when they realised it was silent. No dinner jackets and Cervantes quotes round their house.

I think the effects of coke are complicated. It depends on who is taking it, how addicted they are, what else they've taken and what state of mind they are in. There's also artistic licence to consider. The heartbeat won't always reflect exactly how is heart is beating all the time. Sometimes it's meant to say something, or reflect something.

Now I think I'd prefer it if there were some other sounds. But it's all subjective. At first I wasn't exactly happy that this was so grim and pointless. But as you say, that is the whole point. It's growing on me. I think if it was filmed well with the right guy in the role, this could be very good.

R

Yeah you're right regarding the artistic license. I did think of that as well, I just got over excited at all the talk of cocaine and forgot to add it. You're right in regard to that too.

The silent thing could work as this film might only last five minutes. I also imagine it set to music. I like all types of music, but I particularly like the modern electronic stuff, much of it is like classical music in that it tells a story. I think classical would be too dated for this, although the idea seems good in respect to contrast, I'm not sure it would work. Modern day dubstep or trap seems right.

Definitely take the right actor. As Dan pointed out, how do you film somebody filled with rage but a steady heart beat? The guy has to look and be the part. Some experience in the area would be handy, but finding one not lost to madness would prove difficult.

Popek Monster would fill the role of Convict Dustin, google him.

Solid writing as usual. Fucking depressing as usual.

The main character didn't do anything for me, if the Convict was indeed the main. I can see how you have been progressing with your short exercising and that's a good thing.

As far as no dialog, these don't seem to be the class of people that wouldn't say anything at all. If that makes any sense.

Also, that's a pretty dumb ass dealer who lets himself get ambushed like that, his bitches' tits out and all - which I enjoyed. Dealers are usually paronoid fucks. Wasn't sure about the paper bag part in the jail cell. Was the convict looking to avenge himself on the dealer? Was the girlfriend his ex?

Anyway,

Quick moving, short read. Note taken with that - more writers need to copy.

GL

Tony.

Quoted from Max Popek Monster would fill the role of Convict Dustin, google him.

Yeah... he'd be perfect. Nobody would want to come across that guy on a bad day. I bet underneath the look he's a cool guy too. Looks like he's got his head about him but also knows what it's like to have nothing. This part would take somebody with that perfect mix.

My first read of a script without dialogue - glad I did - the visuals were outstanding.

There were times where I thought a heart beat was the right overlay sound but other times where I thought a clock (TICK TOCK) would have worked better - i.e., it's just a matter of time before he goes back to where he started is what I took from the story.

Anyway - very nice action/description.

Quoted from TonyDionisio Solid writing as usual. Fucking depressing as usual. The main character didn't do anything for me, if the Convict was indeed the main. I can see how you have been progressing with your short exercising and that's a good thing. As far as no dialog, these don't seem to be the class of people that wouldn't say anything at all. If that makes any sense. Also, that's a pretty dumb ass dealer who lets himself get ambushed like that, his bitches' tits out and all - which I enjoyed. Dealers are usually paronoid fucks. Wasn't sure about the paper bag part in the jail cell. Was the convict looking to avenge himself on the dealer? Was the girlfriend his ex? Anyway, Quick moving, short read. Note taken with that - more writers need to copy. GL Tony.

Yeah you're right about the Dealer. I think that should be changed to he holding a weapon, make it more realistic.

The story starts outside the jail and the brown envelope is what they used to give people when they got out, containing enough unemployment money to last a week. Not sure how much they exactly get, it used to be around £40-50 (around $60-$75). The more savvy ones would have applied for clothing grants and probably come out with a few hundred. But you need to know the system.

There's no relationship to the drug dealer or his girlfriend, but I can see why that would be a consideration.

Thanks for the read and review, mate.

Quoted from eldave1 My first read of a script without dialogue - glad I did - the visuals were outstanding. There were times where I thought a heart beat was the right overlay sound but other times where I thought a clock (TICK TOCK) would have worked better - i.e., it's just a matter of time before he goes back to where he started is what I took from the story. Anyway - very nice action/description.

I like the Tick Tock thing... there could probably be a way of working them in together, like overlapping them.

Although silent, I think the music could play a large part in this and it would be fairly simple to add clock and heart beats in the mix.

Thanks for the read and advice mate, much appreciated.

Btw Dustin, what prog do you write with?

Celtx. The desktop version. I'm using a LINUX OS though so haven't seen any incompatibility issues just yet. I know some Windows users experience troubles with the desktop version sometimes but it's cool for me.

Final Draft looks horrible on the script I just uploaded, it's smudgy black writing.

Whereas your scripts look all light and fluffy, not that it matters but I would like that for aesthetics.

You got the free version yeah?