Quoted from Max The writing speaks for itself and you'll be judged on that alone.

If only that were true.

Cheers though mate, appreciated.

Hey Dustin,

An interesting no dialogue piece. I saw it as a "look on the other side" to a different kind of world. Felt raw and the writing flew by. There was a slight feeling of too much explicitness of sex and violence for only 5 pages, although I can see the importance of those scenes. The girl not being topless could probably work without a real loss out of those.

Really liked this line:

Quoted Text He blaming her and she, him.

I don't really have anything to add to the comments that hasn't already been said, but I think the heartbeat is one of the cleverest things I've read in a while. Unique way to make us understand convict's side, effectively and faster than with words or added scenes.

Gl with this.

Quoted from DS Hey Dustin, An interesting no dialogue piece. I saw it as a "look on the other side" to a different kind of world. Felt raw and the writing flew by. There was a slight feeling of too much explicitness of sex and violence for only 5 pages, although I can see the importance of those scenes. The girl not being topless could probably work without a real loss out of those. Really liked this line: I don't really have anything to add to the comments that hasn't already been said, but I think the heartbeat is one of the cleverest things I've read in a while. Unique way to make us understand convict's side, effectively and faster than with words or added scenes. Gl with this.

The girl being topless makes for a good visual, not in sexual terms (although that as well) but more to add to her vulnerability. The black eye does it, but I think she being topless is the proverbial icing in that regard. It finishes the visual, so it is certain.

Thanks for the read and review, mate. Much appreciated.

Dustin

“Convict glares in disgust then stamps on Husband’s head, his
chest, his head, his head...”

- I like the repetition of "his head" here for emphasis...presuming it was intentional.

“Landlady tries to stop him from hurting her Husband. Convict
headbutts her, shoves her back onto the bed before dragging
Husband in there too.”

- A small thing but shouldn't it be "over there" since he's dragging him toward the bed?

“Landlady and Husband lie, tied on the bed, looking into each
other’s eyes. He blaming her and she, him.”

- I take it we'll find out later but what grounds does Landlady have to blame Husband? Right now she seems chiefly responsible for this situation.

“Convict rips open the wrap, snorts some and throws the rest
into his mouth.”

- Ha, very Crank-esque with the heartbeat and frantic adrenaline/anger/hate (and now coke) fuelled actions of the lead character as he goes from encounter to encounter.

“Dealer sobs... what more does this guy want?”

- You could lose some of these asides, not because I don't like them as a breach of format or whatever, I just think they undermine the brutal nihilism of this particular script. I appreciate you are going all out here, no holds bar which I reckon would be complimented by pairing back the prose to be as efficient and ruthless as Convict himself.

These personalized touches in the prose feel like you are offering some reprieve or explanation to offset the horrible things we're witnessing. It’s almost like you are trying to inject some humanity to wholly inhumane proceedings which only serves to undermine them and the impact of the reading experience overall.

It would be far more effective to have the form reflect the content. For example, I like your functional approach to naming characters according to their role: Convict, Landlady, Girlfriend, etc. This is a creative choice which is sync with the tone of the script.

Unfortunately, the ending was a letdown for me. I get you are showing the self inflicted, vicious circle this guy is trapped in. He's presumably been in an out of jail most of his life, just not fit for society and will continually re-offend in a never ending carousel of releases and arrests.

Reminded me somewhat of Bronson, Scum, Made is Britain and as I said, Crank.

Plus, I liked his moment of connection he experiences with Girlfriend, it had its own terrible beauty about it, a nice touch.

However, I was hoping for something more than just showing us this cycle. It’s been done before, nothing very new in that respect thus it feels a little pointless, a missed opportunity. In fairness, I don’t know what you could do with this nutter besides getting him killed or thrown back in prison but I still yearned for a more substantial conclusion with less re-threading of familiar themes.

On the other hand, I did love the energy and frantic nature of it as we follow Convict on his rampage. Despite some of the explanatory asides which I feel detract from the kinetic flow of the piece it was an exhilarating read...but much like a line of charlie, the effect is thrilling yet short lived, leaving one ultimately unsatisfied and wanting more...and perhaps that's the point here.

Oh and I thought you would call back to Landlady and Husband because it was probably the longest but definitely the most random sequence in the script. I figured there was some back-story, some history between them which might shed light on why things went down the way they did but we don't get any indication of that.

I got the impression, given the world in which this takes place, that they could be related, possibly parents and son but this is only my own perverse speculation. A violence begets violence type of thing. Perhaps they were merely strangers who happened to own the pub that out of all the joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Convict walked into theirs.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Dustin “Convict glares in disgust then stamps on Husband’s head, his chest, his head, his head...” - I like the repetition of "his head" here for emphasis...presuming it was intentional.

Yes it was intentional but I meant it to read that he stamped on the head twice, not for emphasis, but I'm glad that it works either way.

Quoted Text “Landlady tries to stop him from hurting her Husband. Convict headbutts her, shoves her back onto the bed before dragging Husband in there too.” - A small thing but shouldn't it be "over there" since he's dragging him toward the bed?

I meant into the bedroom, but yeah it does read clunky. I'll change to your suggestion.

Quoted Text “Landlady and Husband lie, tied on the bed, looking into each other’s eyes. He blaming her and she, him.” - I take it we'll find out later but what grounds does Landlady have to blame Husband? Right now she seems chiefly responsible for this situation.

Just a little joke on my part. Women have a tendency to blame the man for everything even when it isn't their fault. She blames him because if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have to look for outside sources to satisfy her.

Quoted Text “Convict rips open the wrap, snorts some and throws the rest into his mouth.” - Ha, very Crank-esque with the heartbeat and frantic adrenaline/anger/hate (and now coke) fuelled actions of the lead character as he goes from encounter to encounter.

Ah, I didn't consider Crank on this, but I suppose it does use a similar tone.

Quoted Text “Dealer sobs... what more does this guy want?” - You could lose some of these asides, not because I don't like them as a breach of format or whatever, I just think they undermine the brutal nihilism of this particular script. I appreciate you are going all out here, no holds bar which I reckon would be complimented by pairing back the prose to be as efficient and ruthless as Convict himself.

I didn't consider it as that brutal, kinda light really... I'll consider your suggestion.

Quoted Text These personalized touches in the prose feel like you are offering some reprieve or explanation to offset the horrible things we're witnessing. It’s almost like you are trying to inject some humanity to wholly inhumane proceedings which only serves to undermine them and the impact of the reading experience overall.

I better not try and write horrible things then, lol. It'll end up being too sick to handle most likely. I don't want people to be freaked out by it, I just want to show what it's like from that side. Some of those guys actually get scared about coming out, not because they are institutionalised, but because when they get out they haven't got a pot to piss in. Love the history behind that phrase. So perhaps I have subconsciously placed the humanity in there so the viewer understands this is educational rather than glorified violence.

Quoted Text Unfortunately, the ending was a letdown for me. I get you are showing the self inflicted, vicious circle this guy is trapped in. He's presumably been in an out of jail most of his life, just not fit for society and will continually re-offend in a never ending carousel of releases and arrests. Reminded me somewhat of Bronson, Scum, Made is Britain and as I said, Crank. Plus, I liked his moment of connection he experiences with Girlfriend, it had its own terrible beauty about it, a nice touch. However, I was hoping for something more than just showing us this cycle. It’s been done before, nothing very new in that respect thus it feels a little pointless, a missed opportunity. In fairness, I don’t know what you could do with this nutter besides getting him killed or thrown back in prison but I still yearned for a more substantial conclusion with less re-threading of familiar themes.

I wanted to tell a story about the cycle of going in and out of jail. Be a little difficult to do that if at the end he didn't go back to jail. It would kinda defeat the whole point of me writing it.

Quoted Text On the other hand, I did love the energy and frantic nature of it as we follow Convict on his rampage. Despite some of the explanatory asides which I feel detract from the kinetic flow of the piece it was an exhilarating read...but much like a line of charlie, the effect is thrilling yet short lived, leaving one ultimately unsatisfied and wanting more...and perhaps that's the point here.

Not exactly. The point is that it is pointless. This is not a story in the traditional sense, more a retelling of events that could be true. Indeed, if I were writing the truth, it would be a much tougher script.

Quoted Text Oh and I thought you would call back to Landlady and Husband because it was probably the longest but definitely the most random sequence in the script. I figured there was some back-story, some history between them which might shed light on why things went down the way they did but we don't get any indication of that. I got the impression, given the world in which this takes place, that they could be related, possibly parents and son but this is only my own perverse speculation. A violence begets violence type of thing. Perhaps they were merely strangers who happened to own the pub that out of all the joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Convict walked into theirs.

All of those thoughts went through my mind too, but I wanted to stay away from traditional story telling methods with this and simply relate what it's like for guys (and girls) in this type of circular behaviour.

Thanks for the read mate and lengthy review, all good points for me to think on as usual. Much appreciated.