Eight Five Two Six by Max Smart - Short, Drama - Mark Berken grapples with a mental illness, while his colleagues are in the dark as to what is about to unfold, an event which will change the lives of 144 people and their families - forever. 13 pages - pdf, format

I read this for him.  It's good, fast, but, troubling read of the ill-fated flight.

We don't know any of the why he did what he did, but, this explores some ideas.  

It would be expensive to shoot, b/c you need a plane, uniforms etc.  

It's a good story, just very troubling...

Good luck Max.  You are certainly getting better.

Dan

Hi, Max.

I read your short. It was very interesting and, of course, it reminds one of the fatal plane crush that occurred a few weeks ago with the co-pilot Andreas Lubitz hiding his mental illness.


p.15  you' ve got the speaking character MARK twice.

I thought it was clever, a very good idea, but as has already been said, difficult to shoot, considering the budget involved.

Keep up the good work!

Christina.

Thanks for picking up that little error Christina.

I'd have liked to have seen Patrick trying to break into the cockpit. Maybe in strobe-like flashes, accompanied with terrified screams of the passengers, another shot of the kid from earlier who banged the oxygen mask down being soothed by mommy. Even so, that would probably be done in the final edit.

I also think you should write in dialogue what Mark is saying, even if it is in Latin. I know you know how to research.

Great though. Excellent writing throughout, the occasional 'begins' the occasional unnecessary 'down' but other than that excellent writing.

The 18 pages flew by. Great stuff, mate.

Thanks Dustin.

Yeah, the ending could've been tweaked a little but for some reason, I thought it would be more haunting to leave it up to your imagination.

I know that seems lazy but the FADE TO BLACK and the text seems like it would be more chilling to me.

You ever seen "Hamburg Cell"? That sort of ending, where you know what happens next.

Yeah it works well as is. Just something for you and the director to think about should this ever get filmed.

Not as hard as people may think. You don't really need a physical plane. Shots at the airport are easy enough to get hold of. What's needed really is a set that looks like the inside of a plane... and you can rent them: http://aeromockups.com/

The rest can be done with stock footage even and some fancy cuts to blend it all together.

Still cost money, but perhaps not as out of range as people think.

Max,

read all comments as if they're semi-topical.


This one is ripped from the headlines.  Copilot, suffering from mental illness, decides to take down the plane.  It's a nice little study.  I had trouble with the guy on the street who talks to Patrick.  What does he add?  And i'll add my usual caveat about coincidence.  

Generally, on the planes I've flown in, the pilots do not mingle with the passengers as they stow luggage.  The fewer people in the aisles, the better.  And the pilots always board first.  But that's a small thing.

All in all, this is a good tale.  I don't mind that we don't know what he says in latin.  Without a translation, it would be lost on most of the audience anyway.  

Best
Richard

Quoted from RichardR Max, read all comments as if they're semi-topical. This one is ripped from the headlines.  Copilot, suffering from mental illness, decides to take down the plane.  It's a nice little study.  I had trouble with the guy on the street who talks to Patrick.  What does he add?  And i'll add my usual caveat about coincidence.   Generally, on the planes I've flown in, the pilots do not mingle with the passengers as they stow luggage.  The fewer people in the aisles, the better.  And the pilots always board first.  But that's a small thing. All in all, this is a good tale.  I don't mind that we don't know what he says in latin.  Without a translation, it would be lost on most of the audience anyway.   Best Richard

Cheers for the feedback.

Yes, it is based on the events which occurred on 24th March 2015, I decided to create my own drama within the scope of that event.

Basically, I'll try and explain where I wanted to go with this piece.

WITH REGARDS TO THE FLASHBACK

Xabier was there as a sort of, warning in disguise.  Patrick didn't take him seriously however, and dismissed him as a "loon"

This was prior to them arriving at the parking lot and boarding the plane.  Patrick was going to ask Mark about Xabier on the plane, but he just says "nevermind".  Even before that, he sensed that something was wrong in the SUV but he didn't question Mark.

Xabier's discussion with Patrick was there to highlight that there was an underlying issue with Mark, it was to further solidify that Mark was dealing with some issues.

There is some other things I included, some subtleties which may or may not have been noticed.

Mark Berken was only on the plane that day because David, the other co-pilot was ill.  It was another thing to think about in terms of "This wouldn't have happened if David wasn't ill that day"

There was an error which Christina pointed out, MARK speaks TWICE.  He apologizes to Patrick in the cockpit, and Patrick takes that apology for something else, when really Mark is apologizing in advance because he's going to crash the plane.

I threw in the crucifix, perhaps suggesting that religious beliefs may have played a part here, or had some factor in him deciding to do what he did.  I added the Latin later on because I thought it would be another creepy thing to include.

The phone cuts out before Patrick can tell Claire that he loves her, I thought that would be a tragic thing to add, a last goodbye that never happened.

Of course there is a plenty of other things in there, the dazes, the boiling kettle was there to build some anxiety, he turns it off and returns to what he was doing, in a calculated manner.

That's basically it, I might've forgotten to mention a few things here and there but I tried to give meaning to everything.

Oh yeah, and the fact that the doctor just blew this guy off with nausea medication and didn't think to ask anymore questions, that was on purpose.

Quoted from RichardR I don't mind that we don't know what he says in latin.  Without a translation, it would be lost on most of the audience anyway.

That's not the point. Are you suggesting that the Director does the writer's job? Or perhaps the actor should do it? If the writer wants the guy to say something in Latin, they shouldn't just write that the actor says something in Latin they should write exactly what is said. It should also be researched so that there is perhaps irony or something that relates in the prayer.

I would've fucked up the Latin anyway, truesay.

Looking at the BBC screenplay format template, I could've just put something like...

NOTE: THE DIALOGUE IN THIS SCENE IS SPOKEN IN LATIN AND SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH.

Or something like that.

I wouldn't go so far as to write the language out because it's not a case of copying and pasting the words next to each other, or using an internet translator.

I see what you mean, I could've perhaps done a bit of research on how Latin is spoken ect. but I just dismissed it, as it was added at the last minute for effect.

Then get rid of it. Write what you know. It comes across as lazy at the moment. How's the director or actors supposed to know? They would have to employ a researcher just for that bit. They'd rather cut it, or ask you to write something you do know. Perhaps a prayer in English.

The Latin is probably a little OTT anyway.

Yah, fair play.

Max,

Read this last night, let it sink in.

I think you succeeded with Mark. He was creepy, and above all else his character stood out. Only I wish you could've given us a little more background as to what his troubles really were. You alluded to his meds at the Dr. But I don't recall if we knew wlexactly what was troubling him. But he was good.

You had a sympathetic protagonist in Patrick, if you want to call him that. Protagonist by default I guess. He was good too, but you lost me a little with his flirtations with Sarah. I mean, I guess that's a reality, so it's not far off base. But he seemed like a pretty good family man nonetheless.

Can you explain to me the thing with the dog? The dog was mentioned earlier in the script, then we went back to the guy walking the dog as Patrick was picking up Mark. Some meaning about the earlier mention. Maybe I missed something.

If that indeed was necessary to the script, then so be it. Without it you cut this down to a more readable page length.

Also, the ending over black. I think you could have made mention exactly what happened tonte plane that day for those if us who are not familiar with the outcome. 144 people dead, but how?

That being said, not a bad script. Memorable - especially Mark. Good job.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Max, Read this last night, let it sink in. I think you succeeded with Mark. He was creepy, and above all else his character stood out. Only I wish you could've given us a little more background as to what his troubles really were. You alluded to his meds at the Dr. But I don't recall if we knew wlexactly what was troubling him. But he was good. You had a sympathetic protagonist in Patrick, if you want to call him that. Protagonist by default I guess. He was good too, but you lost me a little with his flirtations with Sarah. I mean, I guess that's a reality, so it's not far off base. But he seemed like a pretty good family man nonetheless. Can you explain to me the thing with the dog? The dog was mentioned earlier in the script, then we went back to the guy walking the dog as Patrick was picking up Mark. Some meaning about the earlier mention. Maybe I missed something. If that indeed was necessary to the script, then so be it. Without it you cut this down to a more readable page length. Also, the ending over black. I think you could have made mention exactly what happened tonte plane that day for those if us who are not familiar with the outcome. 144 people dead, but how? That being said, not a bad script. Memorable - especially Mark. Good job. Steve

Cheers for the feedback lol, I wasn't expecting anyone else to read this to be honest.

Patrick was going to bring up Xabier to Mark but he changed his mind.  In the FLASHBACK we see Xabier telling Patrick about an incident at a restaurant where Mark smashed a glass, Patrick dismisses this however.

Xabier was like a warning in disguise, Patrick took no notice, maybe if he would've questioned Mark about the incident things would've turned out differently that day.

He sensed something was wrong in the SUV before they boarded the plane but it went no further than that.

With regards to the ending, perhaps it's not clear if you're not familiar with the real life incident but I'd like to think the locking of the cockpit door was enough to seal the deal, the crucifix, the latin prayer, the earlier flashback where he's googling images.

The flirting with Sarah was friendly, it was just a bit of extra human interaction.

I appreciate the read brother, it won't be to everybody's taste but I'm glad you liked it, somewhat.

Hey Max,

Interesting take on a recent tragedy. I can see why you decided to write about this, what was going on in the pilot's mind really is morbidly fascinating. Ah, the perils of writing.

Crisp easy to read writing here, short and to the point. My favourite part of the script was the somewhat of cold open before everything kicks off at the airport. The subtle introduction to Mark's suicidal thoughts, the flashback between the pause and the excellent blades roaring transition. A really good slow and dark introduction, it just pulled me in.

Maybe you could up it a bit with what he's looking up on google. Mark would have more than enough knowledge of the aircraft and how everything in it operates, so there's not that much of a reason to be looking at those images. Yeah, he could be just looking at the airplane to mull over his plans, but it makes more sense if he's contemplating it by reading articles of different plane crashes for example.

Once we get to the airport, Patrick takes over as the main character. Even Patrick's doubts originate from a third source. I'd say show us more Mark. Technically, Xabier is an useless character. Also a bit comical for the script perhaps. You can have Patrick's doubts come from Mark's behaviour, play with their looks, conflict, up the tension even more. You'd significantly cut the budget that way, too.

The rest of the script is smooth, Patrick's carefree attitude and marriage problems adding to the equation of the crash happening. And then that final sorry when they'll never have the chance to sort their issues out. Good time to fade out, I think. The thriller-esque nature of what would happen next wouldn't really fit in. I don't think you need the phone cutting up and I didn't care for the cliche "We have all the time in the world" and "I'll always be there for you" lines, either. It could work if there's more time to get used to the characters, but a short really could do with something more creative.

I liked it. Good work.

Fen,

I'll get right into it, bearing in mind I read one of your initial drafts.

A little bit on format and quite a bit on story:

First thing, the use of FLASHBACK within the slug, some people (a certain someone in particular) will tell you it is incorrect, that it should be on a separate line and: -

BEGIN FLASHBACK:
END FLASHBACK: or:
BACK TO SCENE:

If you did do it that way you'd avoid the MOMENTS LATER in your next slug in the Dr's office, - technically, I'm not sure (on screen, at least) it is MOMENTS LATER, but rather just a follow on from Mark gazing off into space for a few seconds.

On that same topic, shouldn't Mark's flashback be a little more dramatic - considering we're talking about something that gives him a nauseating reaction - an image of a cockpit door doesn't tell us much. I think you're dealing with the fact it's common knowledge what happened with this flight - the aftermath, I mean, so you're thinking this image is enough but really had we not heard this story it would mean little. I think perhaps you should give us something a bit more here.

Terrific use of the ceiling-fan blades going round in Mark's room and the ROAR of the plane engine - that's nice direction with the writing for either a Match Cut of sorts, and/or a Prelap with the audio.

Don't write 'hun' - should be 'hon' short for 'honey' - he's not Atilla - think I mentioned this one before - it's a bugbear of mine. It is however not going to sink a script.

Ah, I notice you do use:
BEGIN FLASHBACK
further on.
You want to be consistent with the way you format - use one method or the other.

Ah, is that a FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK? - EXT. CATOLA STREET (BARCELONA) - DAY - hmm, no it isn't, it just read a little discombobulating to me. I think you need Mark looking out the window onto CATOLA STREET earlier than you've said it (switch it around) otherwise it reads a little 'where am I? Least it did for this reader. And no need to repeat the street name when that is actually in the slug.

I'd start with this:
INT. MARK’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mark parts the window blinds, looks down to the street below. Patrick  
exits his SUV.

Okay, reading on I understand you've tried to fill in the gaps here re Mark's state of mind and his life outside of flying but I think you need to fill in some of the gaps, even if it is of your own concoction. Mark doesn't like the 'travel' - yet he 'loves the plane'.  Mark, through a second party (and dog - which didn't exactly grab me btw) is revealed as being a bit of a hot-head and a bit erratic. It's just all a bit light on, still for all we know that's how it transpired. Homicidal maniacs are frequently mentioned by their neighbours as being very nice and personable.

My initial reaction is that you need more meat on the bones in terms of Mark's psyche, his inner turmoil, and unraveling, but then I fluctuate with advising you to do that. By presenting it this way you're being sensitive to the people directly involved in this tragedy, and there's also the fact that a lot of the details are indeed unknown, or if they are known they're being kept under wraps, for now, at least.  I suppose unless you changed this story completely and used creative license you could run into trouble.

Bearing all that in mind I think you made a really good fist of this.

You write very well - it all went down very smoothly. That in mind, I'm looking forward to reading some more of your work - perhaps of your own imagination.  

Cheers Libby,

I'd like to respond to some of your feedback

Quoted Text First thing, the use of FLASHBACK within the slug, some people (a certain someone in particular) will tell you it is incorrect, that it should be on a separate line and: - BEGIN FLASHBACK: END FLASHBACK: or: BACK TO SCENE:

I thought about this of course, I used it in the SLUG because it was just a single scene, hence the inconsistency later on because there was multiple scenes within the flashback later on.

Quoted Text Ah, I notice you do use: BEGIN FLASHBACK further on. You want to be consistent with the way you format - use one method or the other.

Yeah, I'll be more consistent in the future with this, as stated above.

Quoted Text Ah, is that a FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK? - EXT. CATOLA STREET (BARCELONA) - DAY - hmm, no it isn't, it just read a little discombobulating to me. I think you need Mark looking out the window onto CATOLA STREET earlier than you've said it (switch it around) otherwise it reads a little 'where am I? Least it did for this reader. And no need to repeat the street name when that is actually in the slug

The street name was repeated because visually, it's represented on the screen... on a sign.

Patrick arrives on Catola Street, Mark looks out his apartment window to see Patrick exiting.  So we're on Catola Street all the time.

There isn't any flashback within a flashback here, it's just Mark spying out the window as Patrick arrives.

The rest of your feedback yeah, pretty much nothing to say.

I guarantee you won't be looking forward to my future scripts, sometimes I bullshit around with shorts to get feedback on the actual writing as opposed to the story.

Sometimes I'll write 3 page shorts, just to see if people can visualize what I write.  Once I get confirmation that my writing is clean and smooth, I'll expand out to writing something proper.

Max, just saw this.  I’ll give it a read and give notes as I go…

Just an observation…but look how little happens on page 1, and how few lines you’ve actually used…32 to be exact.  Not saying anything other than to be aware of this.  You could easily save a bunch of lines here and get more on the page…if you chose to.

The Flashback on page 2 is incorrectly formatted, IMO, and it ends up costing you when you have to write the same Slug again that you were already in.

Page 3 – When you have a name in dialogue, it will always be offset with a comma or commas.

When you stay in the same location, you don’t want to repeat your Slug…just use LATER, if that’s the case, but also understand, it’s not really recommended to attempt this, as you’ll need to reset your scene to show the change in time in some way.  IMO, when you do this, you almost need to FADE OUT and back in, or onscreen, the transition is nonexistent most of the time.

Page 4 – Don’t use abbreviations before you spell out exactly whatever it is you’re writing about first.

OK, I’m on Page 5 now.  Your writing is surprisingly pretty good, and yes, that’s a compliment!  However, it’s also very longwinded, without really being longwinded, which means, you’re burning lots and lots of lines without much being actually written.  Just something to keep in mind.

Page 5 – OK, so this is something you’ll make your own decision on after you deal with it more, but IMO, there’s no need to use the wrylie, “into phone”.  It’s understood, and no one will be confused about that fact that he’s talking on his phone when your action line preceding it, says he pulls out his phone.

You chose to give Claire a very detailed intro.  Nothing wrong with that, but is it remotely necessary?  I don’t know, as I don’t know if she’s going to play any major role in this script, or her looks come into play at all, but we’ll see.  If this is her 1 and only scene, it’s not needed…at all.

And, you waste another line with yet another “into phone” wrylie, and this one’s 100% understood, based on the action line preceding it.

And now we go to something that, yet again, will be up to you and to each writer to decide to use or not, but IMO, using an INTERCUT is just lazy writing, and gives away the power you contain as the writer.  This is based on the fact that you relinquish control of what’s being seen.  Nothing technically incorrect, but again, it’s something I always recommend staying away from.

This INTERCUT goes on almost 2 whole pages and when it’s over, you don’t return to scene, which is technically incorrect.. Something to think long and hard about for sure, but it’s always the writer’s choice.
Page 7 – As noted above, keep in mind the need for commas to set off character’s names in dialogue…whether or not it’s an actual name, it’s always required.

OK, I’m through 7 pages, and my honest thoughts are that you’ve used way too many pages to get to where we are.  I’m sure others will disagree, but you’ve used multiple different sets/scenes and little has happened. If this were a feature, I wouldn’t say this in the same vein, but as a short, it’s just too much and not a good use of available space.  It’s also crazy expensive already, and we just boarded the plane.

Page 8 – Last time I’ll bring it up, but hopefully, since this is the 3rd time I’ve brought it up, it will hit home.  In dialogue, character names always must be set off with a comma or commas, depending on the line.  This applies to any pet names or the like, as well.

When you read over your script in the editing phase, you need to try and rework your sentence structure so that you don’t have so many sentences starting with a character name or he/she…especially not back to back or right on top of each other.

This Flashback is problematic.  It’s long and hard to follow.  It also contains 2 different perspectives – Mark’s and Patrick’s, which doesn’t make sense, since Mark is having the Flashback.  It feels very out of place and is much too long.

Page 16 – I know I’ve tried to help you with transitioning into a Mini Slug before, but this isn’t correct here again.

Page 18 – Not sure what is up with the mumbling and then you saying it’s religious and Latin.  If you want him speaking, you need a dialogue box and whatever he says inside it.

Looks like you want to use a SUPER at the end – if that’s the case, you need to do just that – use a SUPER, then write exactly what’s in the SUPER.

Max, all in all, this has a lot going for it.  There is power here and there’s impending doom, as well.  There’s also a real attempt at characterization, relationships between characters, and even love.

The problem is that you chose to include several things that don’t need to be here and really shouldn’t be here.  A lot of this is wasted space that gives this a bloated feel.  Finally, for me, the end was a real letdown, as you chose not to show anything, but instead, just tell us.

It’s a strong effort, mate, and I foresee many great scripts coming from you in the future.  Hopefully, these notes help going forward.

Cheers for the feedback lol, didn't think you'd bother with any of my stuff.

Just a few things I want you to expand upon...

Quoted Text Page 16 – I know I’ve tried to help you with transitioning into a Mini Slug before, but this isn’t correct here again.

Are you referring to Claire moving into the hallway? I kind of looked over a few professional scripts with regards to this, namely "Nightmare on Elm Street" by Wesley Strick, and he used this method quite a bit to transition to another area.

I'm not saying it's the best method but for me, as a reader, I found it to work pretty well.

If you say something like "Mark grabs a beer and moves to --" and you put another SLUG beneath that, to me that flows.

Quoted Text The Flashback on page 2 is incorrectly formatted, IMO, and it ends up costing you when you have to write the same Slug again that you were already in.

Just need some clarity here, which slug was repeated?

Quoted Text When you stay in the same location, you don’t want to repeat your Slug…just use LATER, if that’s the case, but also understand, it’s not really recommended to attempt this, as you’ll need to reset your scene to show the change in time in some way.  IMO, when you do this, you almost need to FADE OUT and back in, or onscreen, the transition is nonexistent most of the time.

Yes, I have read somewhere that it's not recommended to put "LATER".  A website I visited suggested a new slug for a scene in the same place.

Visually, the window is on screen being pelted with rain, that's the next image after Mark unbuttons his collar.  It's there to break up the action...

So we go from undressing, to window, to Mark lying on the bed.  It's a way to get from A to B, and show a passing of time.

Quoted Text This INTERCUT goes on almost 2 whole pages and when it’s over, you don’t return to scene, which is technically incorrect.. Something to think long and hard about for sure, but it’s always the writer’s choice.

I'm a big fan of the INTERCUT lol, still.  So basically, I should've gone BACK TO SCENE after Claire's part in the INTERCUT was finished?

Or.. END INTERCUT

Quoted Text Page 8 – Last time I’ll bring it up, but hopefully, since this is the 3rd time I’ve brought it up, it will hit home.  In dialogue, character names always must be set off with a comma or commas, depending on the line.  This applies to any pet names or the like, as well.

You mean for example:

Sarah, my sweet!

Instead of :

Sarah my sweet!

?

The reason I don't put commas there is because people will naturally pause when reading the dialogue if you do that.  It's all said in one, Patrick doesn't pause in his thinking when he delivers that line.

Don't really have much else to say, I probably will still continue to use that method of transitioning into a hallway because I personally like it.

I wouldn't consider it technically incorrect either, incorrect implies that there is some agreed upon general consensus on how these types of things are formatted.  The flashback method is open to dispute also.

If my SLUGLINE was written:  INTERIOR: HOUSE-DAY, then that would be technically incorrect but using FLASHBACK in a slug is personal preference, I was inconsistent with it... HOWEVER, as Libby mentioned.

It's used to great effect in Phil Clarke Jr's script "The Burnout" and that's been one of my favorite reads on here.

And with regards with this being expensive to film, it was never written with the intent of getting it made.

I'm surprised you didn't blast the writing more to be honest, after Deep Dish I thought you would shit on everything else I wrote.

This is probably the 4th short I've written, so, I guess I'll learn.

Quoted from Max Are you referring to Claire moving into the hallway? I kind of looked over a few professional scripts with regards to this, namely "Nightmare on Elm Street" by Wesley Strick, and he used this method quite a bit to transition to another area. I'm not saying it's the best method but for me, as a reader, I found it to work pretty well. If you say something like "Mark grabs a beer and moves to --" and you put another SLUG beneath that, to me that flows.

Yes, when she moves into the Hallway.

Whenever you write the line and end it with a sibngle dash, double dash, or ellipsis, you're inferring a continuous shot, or tracking shot, so when you do this, all you need is a Mini SLug.  In this case, it would be "HALLWAY", and thenyour opening action line under the new Mini would start with whatever you left off on above, in this case, a double dash followed by a continuation of the sentence above it.

Like this (rewritten)...

Claire wipes herself down, moves into the --

HALLWAY

-- where she picks the phone up off the coffee table.

Note the changes, note the passive writing replaced by active writing, and note the brevity.

Quoted from Max Just need some clarity here, which slug was repeated?

I think you're referring to page 2, where I said the Flashback was incorrectly formatted and costed you a repeated Slug.

It's this one...

INT. MEDICAL CENTRE - DOCTOR’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Also, note that "MOMENTS LATER" is not correct.  The Flashback is occurring in his mind and it wouldn't be playing out in real time...as in it's not like Mark just sits there in a daze for as long as the daydream or Flashback takes.

Quoted from Max Yes, I have read somewhere that it's not recommended to put "LATER".  A website I visited suggested a new slug for a scene in the same place. Visually, the window is on screen being pelted with rain, that's the next image after Mark unbuttons his collar.  It's there to break up the action... So we go from undressing, to window, to Mark lying on the bed.  It's a way to get from A to B, and show a passing of time.

There's nothing wrong with using a Mini Slug if the scene doesn't cahnge places, and only times passes.  Only use a new Slug when you change locations.

My point is that using "Rain pelts on the window. Lightning FLASHES." as the opening to the "new scene" (new time frame, actually) doesn't show that any time has passed.  It's the enxt line, showing Mark lying down, but it would play out odd in a filmed version.

Quoted from Max I'm a big fan of the INTERCUT lol, still.  So basically, I should've gone BACK TO SCENE after Claire's part in the INTERCUT was finished? Or.. END INTERCUT

Well, there are several issues here.  First of all, when you use bold Slugs, the question comes up about also bolding transitions and the like - look at how the transition for your Intercut looks not bolded.  See what I mean?  It looks odd.

Secondly, understand that your last actual Slug was in the nursery, yet the last passage on Page 6, where this intercut ends is in the SUV, and that passage is not technically part of the Intercut.

Quoted from Max You mean for example: Sarah, my sweet! Instead of : Sarah my sweet! ? The reason I don't put commas there is because people will naturally pause when reading the dialogue if you do that.  It's all said in one, Patrick doesn't pause in his thinking when he delivers that line.

Yes, but I showed you several examples where this occurred with actual names involved.  Without a comma, it's incorrect and there's no 2 ways about that.  There are times when a line will read completely differently without a comma.  Don't worry about how you think it reads, because the truth is, it reads better with the correct punctuation.

Hope that clarifies things for you.

Quoted Text Yes, when she moves into the Hallway. Whenever you write the line and end it with a sibngle dash, double dash, or ellipsis, you're inferring a continuous shot, or tracking shot, so when you do this, all you need is a Mini SLug.  In this case, it would be "HALLWAY", and thenyour opening action line under the new Mini would start with whatever you left off on above, in this case, a double dash followed by a continuation of the sentence above it. Like this (rewritten)... Claire wipes herself down, moves into the -- HALLWAY -- where she picks the phone up off the coffee table. Note the changes, note the passive writing replaced by active writing, and note the brevity.

Yeah, that's better.

Moving cut down to "moves" and the mini-slug instead, I get it.

Quoted Text Well, there are several issues here.  First of all, when you use bold Slugs, the question comes up about also bolding transitions and the like - look at how the transition for your Intercut looks not bolded.  See what I mean?  It looks odd. Secondly, understand that your last actual Slug was in the nursery, yet the last passage on Page 6, where this intercut ends is in the SUV, and that passage is not technically part of the Intercut.

So really it should've went something like...

Quoted Text INT. PATRICK'S SUV - DAY Patrick picks up his phone and dials. INT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - NURSERY - DAY Claire answers the phone. INTERCUT: PATRICK'S HOUSE/PATRICK'S SUV                           Claire                     Hello?                           Patrick                     You suck!                           Claire                     Huh? END INTERCUT INT. PATRICK'S SUV - DAY Patrick hangs up the phone.

That better format-wise? You could always ditch the END INTERCUT I guess, because there's a new slug for a new location again.

I know you hate INTERCUT but put that aside.

Correct.

But, also understand that by doing away with the Intercut completely, you can show which scene you want to, when "you" want to.

Don't think that every phone conversation only shows the scene whith the talking going on.  Sometimes, it makes more sense to show the person listening, and how they're taking what's being said, or what's happening around them while the conversation is taking place.

Just something to think about...

Quoted from Dreamscale Correct. But, also understand that by doing away with the Intercut completely, you can show which scene you want to, when "you" want to. Don't think that every phone conversation only shows the scene whith the talking going on.  Sometimes, it makes more sense to show the person listening, and how they're taking what's being said, or what's happening around them while the conversation is taking place. Just something to think about...

Yeah I get it.

Once I iron out all these little technical issues I can focus on the writing itself.  I don't really have a solid process for writing at the moment, I'll vomit and go back... but maybe making use of index cards would be a good thing eh? Just plotting it out scene by scene, then writing the scene.

Do you use index cards?

A very nice job Max.

I will echo  Dustin's comments regarding the Latin and the final scene. I felt slightly cheated not to see the climatic ending of the build-up. I wanted the screams and the panic.

A consideration for future revisions. I got a little distracted by the Patrick back story. I think he is too large o a character in this story and takes away from the far more interesting character - i.e., Mark.  Put another way - I want to know more about Mark and less about Patrick.

Solid effort Max.