Vito's Last Dance by Gerry Byron - Short, Drama - A NY mafia type comes to Glasgow, Scotland to help his half-brother deal with a local extortion gang. 28 pages - pdf, format

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Script removed.

Hi there,
    I'm reading your story.  I can't tell if you are really new, or really experienced.  You do some things that most people don't do in screenplay.  Usually, you just write the scene and let the director and producer figure out their parts, but, you do that job.

You don't really have to show NYC.  You can just fade in directly on his apt and the SLUG says where he is.  It's up to the director to set up the establishing shots, not you.

I don't see why Vito even works on the AC unit.  It adds nothing to the story, IMO.  If you're trying to show that he's prone to violence, you can do that in different ways.


I gotta say, it wasn't bad.  It was a pretty fast read.  I think you do some over writing and you can cut that out.  

The story was good and should have some views.

It might be 28 pages, but, I gotta say, I wasn't bored.  He's certainly a character and you really breathe some life into him.

I didn't understand the end, per se.

SPOILERS

He had to know he was walking into a trap, he's too smart for that.  Why did he do that?  He seemed like he'd be too smart.

And wait, didn't you say that there were 3 kids killed?  So, how did Brawn survive to be the driver?  I just double checked.  You do say 3 kids are dead, there were 3 in the place, and Brawn was one of them, so, how is he alive?

I also find it odd that the punks didn't think the gun was real.  I'd imagine illegal guns are all over the place.  Or perhaps my country's problem with guns isn't as bad in other countries.

Overall a good job.  I'd read any rewrite you have.

Good luck to you
Dan

Gerry,

Never let a good comment go to waste.  Read with vino.

Overall, this is pretty good.  My first notion is that it's too long.  You set up the problem quickly and then go back to the AC unit.  Why?  Get Vito to Scotland.  And the taxi scene does what?  Show Vito is a good tipper?  Again, move on.  Shorten the wine drinking scene and the graveyard scene.  It slows the story.

The next scene is good, red meat.  It works, although I can't fathom why Vito would leave Brawn alive.  The only witness is left to exact revenge?  hmmmm

We get news of the next level up, and then we slow down again.  Flavia almost finds the gun, but that doesn't play out in the greater scheme of things.  The next part is again the meat.  Although, I'm not sure you need to show the violence since you did so in the first scene.  We already know Vito will kill at will, and that he will succeed.  We simply hear the GUNSHOTS and the see the aftermath in the elevator.

The scene in the restroom is fine but again plays too long.  The bystander doesn't add much.  Although the little old lady is a nice touch.

The Italian cafe scene seems long since we're past the supposed climax.  Vito is hitting on the waiter, and that's fine with me.  Do you need the phone call?  The taxi scene plays out better if the audience doesn't suspect the waiter?  
And you bring brawn back to life, although strickly speaking, he wasn't ever really dead.  

The funeral parlor scene works.  Gina shows her power.  And then she claims she's going to whack Vito's killer.  

Can you actually show that?  Put Brawn back in Dominic's place, shaking him down.  Brawn feels his oats since he whacked Vito.  And who comes in to save the day?  Gina, with the gift Vito brought her--a glock.  Yep, she's just like her uncle.

I think you have a good tale, but it needs some editing.  Dialogue works for me.  Action works.  Tidy it up, and  you have a workable story.  

Best
Richard

From Gerry,

Can you take down a script called 'Vito's Last Dance' from the site? I put it up a couple of years ago. It is now a feature script and has attracted some attention from prodcos.

Congratulations, Gerry.  Please let us know how it goes.

- Don

SS is off to a great start again!!!    

congrats