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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Heat Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 11th, 2015, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Heat by Ajai Shankar - Short, Thriller - A man watches a dog die inside a car… 4 pages - pdf, format


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rendevous
Posted: June 11th, 2015, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Ajai,

Your name isn't familiar to me. So I'll keep this brief until you appear. If you don't then you'll never see this, and I'm wasting my breath, or rather my strokes of keys.

You have a rather neat little story here. But, like a lot of my cooking, it's a little underbaked.

If you're around and want to know more, post here and I'll continue. Hopefully I'll drop the cooking metaphors, as that one made even me wince a little.

Now, I'm off to the shops to get some new jokes. It's about time.
R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Orangez
Posted: June 11th, 2015, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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I like the bones of what you've created here. However, overall it's in need of some cleaning up and fine tuning.  Willing to discuss further if you drop into the discussion board,
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 12th, 2015, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Fairly well written. To complain about anything would just be being pedantic. The dialogue is true, smooth. But where did the second baby come from? I think some foreshadowing is needed as to why it's in his car. Maybe mention it on the phone. Maybe Brandy thinks somebody has kidnapped the baby. Ricky doesn't seem to care too much that it is missing.

Then it shows up in the car at the end.

Aside from that, good stuff. Something a little different.
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RichardR
Posted: June 12th, 2015, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Ajai,

Comments can become overheated.  Stay cool.

I'm no fan of cruelty to dogs or babies.  Yes, I understand that sometimes it's part of the story, but I'm no fan.  This is a bit confusing since Brandi talks about the baby as if it's in the next room.  Obviously, not, and her last 'where is...' would probably end with 'the  baby?'  So, I got that.  I also get Ricky's unrelenting cruelty.  He beats up the mother of his baby and then plans on killing it by leaving it in an overheated car.  There's not much to like about Ricky.  So, I don't like him, and I would love to see him get his comeuppence, but I'm afraid that won't happen.  In any case, I think the dialogue could use a scrub, especially the new guy who seems a bit formal for a Wal-Mart parking lot.  Otherwise, pretty solid work.

Best
Richard
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TonyDionisio
Posted: June 12th, 2015, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hi Ajai

I love dogs so that sucked me in. Add in some good compliments from a few regulars as seen above, so I was siked to read... but then I read it.

So basically we have a bad dude who doesn't care about a human life same way an animals? The way the story is now I don't see any resolve or moral statement from any of the characters. I mean, what was really the point of the story? Statement, even?

Obviously, Brandi doesn't trust this guy with the baby long enough to go get beer without calling in to check up, so why does she even allow it in the first place?

Dialog was a bit too clunky for me -- which was where I thought the piece would shine, but really doesn't.

Scott could have smashed the window. BTW, I've done this multiple times for animal and child, not sure about your local laws, but here, NP.

Also, you may want to add a slightly open window, which people seem to think makes it okay to do but really doesn't help at all.

GL with the story,

Tony
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Max
Posted: June 12th, 2015, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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I want to break Ricky's face in half.

Shit made my blood boil.
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Max
Posted: June 12th, 2015, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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This shit has the potential to resonate because people fucking hate cruelty to animals, especially if you been rolling with a pet for like a decade.

My dogs are blood to me, been there through everything.

Literally, when you write about a character who's like that... I just wanna punch him out.
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Tmanning747
Posted: June 17th, 2015, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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I like this.  I want to know more about Ricky.  What got him to this point and how does he live with himself?  Good work.
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eldave1
Posted: June 17th, 2015, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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There are places where the dialogue and action is too long - but - I the story was a good one, At the end - I had the reaction that I think you intended.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Ajai
Posted: June 17th, 2015, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone!

@rendevous you did not waste your strokes of keys. I got here as soon as I was allowed in Am all ears, like a basset hound - here to listen and learn. Do share your thoughts on what improvements can be made. /cc @Orangez, @TonyDionisio
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rendevous
Posted: June 19th, 2015, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ajai
Thanks everyone!

@rendevous you did not waste your strokes of keys. I got here as soon as I was allowed in Am all ears, like a basset hound - here to listen and learn. Do share your thoughts on what improvements can be made. /cc @Orangez, @TonyDionisio


Ajai,

Good to hear from you. For a while there I thought you might be one of those people who, for reasons we can never be quite sure of, post their script and then never say a word. There's always a surprising amount.

Thankfully you're not. I went down the shops, but they were out of new jokes. No feckin' biscuits either. Hopeless.

Most stories from non regulars don't often have a good story. I think yours does.

I quite liked it, as it's about mainly despicable characters. Nothing wrong with that, in fact quite the opposite. As long as they're interesting and/or engaging. And they were.

This is an unusual approach, most opt to write about likeable people, or people they want us to like. Bogart used to tell the story about patting the dog. Somewhere early in the film, back in the day, to get the audience on side, they used to have the main character literally pat a dog, or some action along those lines.

Despicable types get people's blood up, as witnessed by some of the previous comments. Making people feel stuff is what it's all about. As long as it's not boredom.

There's format and technical stuff you could improve, but I won't bore you with that here. If you do want tips on that then PM me and I'll let you know where I think it could improve.

A lot of the dialogue is good, but some is a bit on the nose, if you follow.

"he really wants to see how it dies!" - asides are good, but this more telling than showing. His dialogue immediately tells you this anyways, so you could delete this altogether.

I'm a feckin' pedant at the best of times. So you need a lot more commas near names of titles. Not too many, just ones that would make it read better. Such as...

"Sir is there a problem?" - you get away with this, but it would read better as "Sir, is there a problem?"

"Jeez you scared me man! You the owner?" - to people like me, from the auld country I mean, this sounds like he's scared an unseen friend of Ricky. Should be - ""Jeez you scared me, man! You the owner?"

I said I wouldn't go on about tech stuff here. So I'll stop there with that stuff.

The bit with the phone to take the number was good, type of thing I'd forget to do.

Looking back over the previous comments you've had some good advice on the whole, so I'll leave it there.

It's a very dark tale. I'm not sure how it would work out if someone filmed it. But I sure would like to see it if they do.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Ajai
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks R, I do have some general questions on character, dialogue etc. Will ping after I read more scripts here and get a better idea. Btw a student at an art school wanted to use this for his project, hopefully it gets made into a film...
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Orangez
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ajai
Thanks everyone!

@rendevous you did not waste your strokes of keys. I got here as soon as I was allowed in Am all ears, like a basset hound - here to listen and learn. Do share your thoughts on what improvements can be made. /cc @Orangez, @TonyDionisio


I want to preface this post. I don’t sugarcoat and I don’t criticize for the sake of being a critic. I only want to help others grow and develop their skills and projects. I strive to offer constructive criticism and don’t point out problems without offering up a possible solution. I come from the school of "show; don’t tell," and if you’re gonna tell, don’t be on the nose or obvious about it.
Here I’ve laid out my notes in chronological order as dictated by your script.
Now my style is setting the scene, i.e. the parameters for which the audience gets to experience/interact with the characters and environment you, “the writer,” lays out.
Your opening is clunky and needs to be condensed. Say the most— describing what you want the reader/audience to visualize/see— in as few words as you can.
{Remember in screenwriting, white space is your best friend}
Imagine your scene. What do you see? How does it play out?  Try this trick: Jot down what you want to describe in shorthand notes then connect/arrange what you’ve written down into cohesive sentences.
Is he in the part of the parking lot where even on Walmart’s best day it still wouldn’t be filled with patron’s vehicles (i.e. no man’s land OR the spaces where only people with a new car park so that it doesn’t get scratched OR someone’s my New Year’s resolution is to walk more space]
Describe the Chevy [Could be as simple as color. Is it new or beat up, etc.]
Describe the environment inside the Corolla [Did owner crack the window? Is there a blanket/towel/sweatshirt etc. in the back seat for the dog to lie on? – All this speaks to intention and could play well against Ricky’s intentions later]
Did the owner of the Corolla make an effort to make the dog comfortable? Maybe got held up in the store; supposed to be a quick in and out OR hell, maybe the owner lives out of the car and that is essentially the dog’s and the owner’s home.  ***As the reader/audience, that’s not my choice to make—it’s yours, but you need to make that call here and inform us accordingly. I am in no way saying that you should go in-depth here writing about the Corolla owner. Essentially, it doesn’t matter, but as the writer YOU need to know all about the owner. You need to be in control of this short’s/story’s world. All the background that leads up to the point where the audience becomes involved with it needs to be under your control. I hope that makes sense. You need to be the authority here, and right now it doesn’t feel like you are.
Describe Ricky
Describe the Dog
Intercut the action from the dog in Ricky’s opening lines. This helps build the tension and will help you eliminate the ellipses (beats)
Unless the feature phone is important to the rest of the story or is indicative of Ricky’s characterization (iPhone , burner cell, old tech flip phone etc.) then cut it, try instead:
His cell phone rings. He taunts the dog again, then turns away to answer it.
I’m not sure what dialects these characters employ. Slang, urban, Ebonics, etc.
How does Ricky answer the phone (nonchalant, angrily, annoyed) set the tone.
Flow and tension building could benefit from some action or a beat between RICKY: “next time she aint gonna be this [so] lucky” and BRANDI “Okay, but what about the baby?”
Like several others, I’m confused as to if there is a baby in the same space as Brandi OR if she’s referring to the baby in Ricky’s car that we will be made aware of later OR are there two different babies both in these different places! Because of this I can’t really offer any suggestions at this time, other than, that based on whatever situation it definitively, is some of Brandi and Ricky’s dialogue needs to be tweaked to correspond and clarify the given situation.
If you’re choosing not to have any cross cutting between Ricky’s location and Brandi’s then Ricky needs some action (at least one line) during their conversation. Otherwise, it’s stagnant, as in just having a shot of someone talking on a phone-BORING- and not adding anything via show don’t tell to Ricky’s character at this point in time (Is he calm and collected, or jittery, etc.). It also helps the talent have a gist of what the character is doing here. ***Now I’m a writer/director so when I write it’s always with the intention to shoot so I feel comfortable doing so, now if you’re writing without the intention of directing yourself then you might shy away from this. It’s just a note I’m making that I would address if this were my own project.
***Dialogue doesn’t need perfect grammar but action/asides do.
Ricky cuts the phone [I assume is hangs up] and goes back to watching the dog [again referring to my earlier note he can only go back to something if he turned away earlier] As written, to the reader/audience, Ricky never stopped watching the dog.
Again, introduce… Scott (character introduction is one of the few places in screenwriting where you can “cheat” and sneak in information that can’t be seen)
Along that same line, “he really wants to see how it dies” really not gonna fly here. Better to describe (BE BRIEF!) the way in which he is behaving (his stare [morbid, etc.], is he mocking, laughing, flipping the bird]
Again you need to control Scott’s background info. (Is he an employee, another Walmart patron etc.)
Again, this choice determines how Scott behaves. (As written he appears to be another patron, but then that brings up some issues in his interaction with Ricky).
Scott’s given reason for entering the scene “thought I saw a dog” doesn’t really hold up if he’s just another patron and any regular person would have just assumed by Ricky’s proximity to the car that it was his and thus not have been as concerned if they thought they saw a dog in a car and nobody was around it. But, if he gives a reason like, EXAMPLE: “It looked like you [Ricky] were locked out and I wanted to see if you needed some help.” OR something along the lines (this would change his initial tone) of Scott saw that dog alone in there when he was heading into Walmart/or looking pulling up in his vehicle looking for a space and thought Ricky was the owner and was coming over to confront him about how he was treating his dog. If Scott is a Walmart employee (Cart collector) he could still go with the locked out/do you need help angle.
The ending of the short is GOLD!!! Which, is why I’m offering suggestions. Only minor note is that the shot of the baby inside the car needs to be formatted as such and not just a part of the action/aside.
I’m a huge fan of unlikeable lead characters.  I would love to explore more of the story surrounding Ricky. That in itself is a sign you’ve got something good here. I hope you keep with it!

If you have any other questions please feel free to PM me.

- Orangez
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LC
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Orangez
...Remember in screenwriting, white space is your best friend...

Also a bonus in reviews.  



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