Quoted from LC Also a bonus in reviews.

Perfect.

Quoted from LC Also a bonus in reviews.

A clever retort.
An obvious one, but clever nonetheless, kudos to you LC. I presumed that response would cross the minds of others when I decided to post, but didn’t think anyone would actually bother to do so, but here you are. Very helpful to Ajai for you to respond with your comment. Maybe next time I’ll just comment, “Good script, interesting subject matter, keep it up, can’t wait to read more!”
For the record. I posted my notes in their entirety rather than a PM so that others, via the discussion board, could engage with them and let them serve as a jumping off point for suggestions they might have to offer Ajai be it in support or against the suggestions I offered.
I apologize to you and any others for making you have to read (both my original post and this one as well)
-Orangez

Hi Orangez

Thanks for the detailed feedback, really appreciate it! Lots of what you have written are spot on, where all I struggled with. I really wasn't sure how to describe the characters and scene. Also I completely agree that Ricky just speaking into the phone is boring, and never thought of a cross cutting between Ricky's and Brandi's location. I now feel adding that will make it very clear that there is only one baby. Maybe she is all doped up and that could explain her total indifference, and add more to the story.

As for the strange dialect - it is one of an Indian guy who watched some Jerry Springer to try write this

Again thanks for the valuable suggestions.

Ajai

Quoted from Ajai Hi Orangez Thanks for the detailed feedback, really appreciate it! Lots of what you have written are spot on, where all I struggled with. I really wasn't sure how to describe the characters and scene. Also I completely agree that Ricky just speaking into the phone is boring, and never thought of a cross cutting between Ricky's and Brandi's location. I now feel adding that will make it very clear that there is only one baby. Maybe she is all doped up and that could explain her total indifference, and add more to the story.

Yeah, it also adds production value. If you write with a budget in mind, then you don't need Brandi's location. In fact, why do you need that scene? Oh well... whatever.

Hi Ajai

Firstly, welcome to S.S.  

I thought your short was pretty well written. I agree with some of the others’ comments e.g. perhaps could've had a prior reference to the 2nd baby. I also didn't like Ricky (not an issue though; and who would?) and I know (assume) you intended this - but I would also liked to have possibly seen him get his comeuppance. But what I liked was its reminder to us that life can be cruel and that are bad people out there will do bad things - often inherently and coldly. And that good people often inadvertently cross paths with such people in everyday life - even if those bad people (as Ricky does ) say something or behave in a moment that appears normal.

Maybe you could include some 'resolve or moral statement from any of the characters' as has been said - but does it HAVE to? I dunno. I reckon it could be shot as is if done well/nastily/darkly enough.

Only thing I'd say about the ending re the baby "crying loudly", is that it could be interpreted as opening up the opportunity for it being rescued due to the noise factor. Unless you wanted that, maybe change this wording? e.g. "... to a car seat, beginning to bake..." - or, "... turning red and beginning to sweat"or whatever.

Enjoy writing and I look forward to reading others from you.

Julian

Thanks Julian, for the read and words of encouragement! I plan to do a rewrite taking into account all the suggestions...