Pia: Please keep in mind that I am very much a minority view on this one as others obviously quite liked it. That being said, I think it needs some work.

The Opening: Mindy is going to do a presentation - and that's the last we hear of it. If you are going to include that fact, I would make it relevant. e.g., in the elevator the Clown could ask her what's she doing - she could say she is doing a presentation - on "overcoming fears" - or - "not judging a book by it's cover" or "The Problems With First Impressions" - something that would create an irony with the events that are going to ultimately unfold in the elevator.  

Quoted Text Your room is number four twelve.

A nit - I think it would read better as: "Your room number is four twelve."  

Quoted Text Mindy heads towards the elevators. Big smile on her face. She rounds the corner to the elevator bay. She stops in her tracks. Her smile fades. Waiting for an elevator is CHRIS...THE CLOWN. A female clown with a friendly face. She’s not as creepy looking as some clowns. She holds some balloons in one hand. Mindy stares at the clown, hesitates, then approaches. Chris smiles at Mindy. Nice white teeth framed by a friendly mouth. Mindy smiles back.

Not sure why she stop in her tracks and would stop smiling at a clown with a friendly face. I the think at best the face needs to be ambivalent or even unfriendly looking at first and then friendly once she smiles at Mindy.

Quoted Text CHRIS Yeah, that’s why I go out of my way to be a friendly clown. Not some creep that scares the shit out of kids. They both laugh.

I didn't find the line funny so the - they both laugh - was a hiccup for me.  

All of the misinterpretations didn't work for me. Specifically:

You have nice tits = I said, we’re gonna have to rely on our wits.

You want to fuck? = I guess we’re stuck.

I have a desire to kill = Maybe it’s a fire drill?

In all of the above cases, other than the last word rhyming, the sentences were not near close enough to cause a believable misinterpretation or mis-hearing on Midny's part. Not sure how to make the point, but I just can't imagine that someone is going to believe that when they thought they heard - you have nice tits - they are ever going to buy what the person really said was  - we're going to have to rely upon our wits, etc.

Quoted Text MINDY I wish the doors would just open. I don’t mind taking the stares.

I think you mean "stairs."

Quoted Text CHRIS What’s the matter Mindy?

Comma needed after "matter".

Quoted Text MINDY How...how do you...know my name?

A missed opportunity here, IMO. How does he know her name? Have him answer (e.g., Do you remember your 10th birthday party? - or, I was in your last nightmare, etc.).

The ending left me in kind of a WTF position. So - the Clown is going to assault her - she aims the pepper spray right at him. So, he has to be dumb enough to stand there and get sprayed in the face after she warned him. And then - other than the tear on his face I guess, there is no evidence of the spray once the elevator opens to the family.

I think it would work much better if you got rid of the spray altogether. i.e., have the Clown advance towards her - maybe she fumbles through her purse looking for something to ward him off - he runs his hands down her blouse and the elevator restarts and she shoves him away - te doors open......

Hope these help - like I said up top - it could be that I just have the wrong view on this.

Hey, Pia. funny stuff - I liked it a lot.

I think we could see she has that phobia from the very beginning, no? Your call, but that's what I'm thinking.

BLB, Dena will make this anthology. I'm sure she will let everyone know when it's ready to view.  

Libby, thanks for your input as always. As far as the kid vs kid's go...I wrote it how I talk. What can I say?  

Tony, patience. These things take time, but I'm sure Dena will make it as good as can be.

Dustin, My thinking here about the female to male morphing is that Mindy suffers from a fear of clowns. She sees this clown, but by it being a female one, she decides it's not as threatening as a male one. She decides to not listen to her inner alarm bell and enter the elevator with this seemingly nice harmless clown. IMHO, if the clown had been male from the get go, she would probably have decided not to enter the elevator with the clown.

Eldave, sorry you didn't like it. Not everyone likes my stuff. I read somewhere you like rom-coms and comedies. Those are my least favorite genres, so you and I will probably never agree on scripts we like.

As far as this script goes, I think you tried to over think some of it. I do agree that it would be good to have Mindy being there to give a speach on overcoming fear or something. Good irony. However, I have no idea where Dena is planning to film this. It could be in an apartment building or a hospital Who knows. In either case, that whole beginning part would be changed.

The nit-pik dialogue is an easy fix. Thanks!

The rest...I feel as if you just misunderstood the whole intention of the script and Mindy's actions. It's all okay though and I appreciate your input. Got a few things I will change based on it.  

Khamanna, you got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Eldave, sorry you didn't like it. Not everyone likes my stuff. I read somewhere you like rom-coms and comedies. Those are my least favorite genres, so you and I will probably never agree on scripts we like. As far as this script goes, I think you tried to over think some of it. I do agree that it would be good to have Mindy being there to give a speach on overcoming fear or something. Good irony. However, I have no idea where Dena is planning to film this. It could be in an apartment building or a hospital Who knows. In either case, that whole beginning part would be changed. The nit-pik dialogue is an easy fix. Thanks! The rest...I feel as if you just misunderstood the whole intention of the script and Mindy's actions. It's all okay though and I appreciate your input. Got a few things I will change based on it.

I'm happy if any part helped - good luck with this.

Pia,

Good source of conflict for a short -- being in closed confines with your worst fear.
  
I’d echo others regarding the pepper spray attack on ‘Evil Clown’.  The line between fantasy and reality is a little too blurry.  I’d have to assume she didn’t use the pepper spray as it’d mess both of them up -- way beyond tears.  I like Bill’s idea of making it a more innocent item -- that or perhaps a rape whistle (Mindy frantically blowing it as the door opens) might lend itself a comic touch.

That said I did like the final image of poor Chris holding the limp balloon and a hint of her inner sadness at this unprovoked outburst.  We get a sense it's not the first time.  Tears of the clown...

I’d think about losing this line:

‘No Mindy. Not yet. I’m going to eat you first.’

And just keeping the last part of the dialogue -- ‘Can you guess...etc’ -- IMO it carries more weight alone.

All the best.

Steve.

Thanks for checking this one out.

I think the blurry line between reality and fantasy was supposed to be blurry. Leaving you wondering if it really happened or not. What if Mindy hallucinated spraying the clown? I don't think anyone has considered that yet.  

The part of calling her by name is meant to be creepy. Like, how does he know my name and the eat you part is kind of a childhood fear. The fear of being eaten by a monster.

That was my thinking at least. Can't wait to see what Dena does with this.

Pia

“Mindy stares at the clown, hesitates, then approaches.”

- Given Mandy's fear why would she get in the elevator with Chris in the first place? Wouldn’t she take the stairs, double back and wait around the corner or something?

Why not have Mindy in the elevator first and Chris gets on at the second floor. That way she has less of an opportunity to avoid the situation.

MINDY
You have a kid party to do?

- Missing "'s" after "kid"

MINDY
When I was a kid I hated clowns. I
was terrified of them.

- Ah, I see, she used to have a fear but not anymore, that explains why she didn't mind so much taking the elevator. Still, I think it could provide some laughs if Mindy was in the elevator first and Chris enters after. That initial jolt of shock, maybe Mindy tries to walk around her to escape but can’t because of the elevator’s restricted space.  Anyway, it’s something to consider.

I loved the switch halfway through when the elevator stops, the tone darkens with the lights and paranoia sets in.

CHRIS
I said, we’re gonna have to rely on
our wits.

- This seems like an odd thing to say. Better than “You’ve got nice tits” sure but still, it doesn’t sound natural.

MINDY
I wish the doors would just open. I
don’t mind taking the stares.

- “Stares” should be “stairs”

I got some laughs too out of some of Mindy's misinterpretations. A few cool visuals also with Chris’s changing demeanour and make-up, genuinely creepy stuff.

However, I didn't get the ending. I knew it was all going to be part of Mindy's fevered imagination and Chris would return to normal but I didn't understand the significance of the close up, the meaning of the small tears and sad smile.

I mean, doesn't pepper spray do far more damage than just a few tears? Thankfully I don't have any personal experience (just swinging handbags and “I’ll call the cops” threats) but doesn’t one’s eyes become red and swollen and you’re rubbing them for a long time after in serious pain?

Chris, on the other hand, seems to have recovered in record time...except the sad smile and small tears.

So now I'm thinking Mindy never sprayed her at all. That it was also part of her exaggerated perceptions and hallucinations and Chris's tears are a result of Mindy's less than friendly attitude towards her and the art of clowns in general.

Or perhaps I'm way off altogether.

Oh and I really wanted to know what part of Mindy the (evil) Chris was going to eat first? You left us hanging on that one

Col

Oh lordy! Can't believe I missed a review! And yours on top of that! You always provide great feedback and have for years. A lot of us appreciate that, you know!

I must owe you a few by now. I'll get on it tomorrow. I'm just gonna plant a few plants in the morning, then it's work for the rest of the day.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “Mindy stares at the clown, hesitates, then approaches.” - Given Mandy's fear why would she get in the elevator with Chris in the first place? Wouldn’t she take the stairs, double back and wait around the corner or something? Why not have Mindy in the elevator first and Chris gets on at the second floor. That way she has less of an opportunity to avoid the situation.

Someone earlier mentioned that Mindy could be there doing a speech on how to over come fears and phobias. I think that's a great idea and I will use that.

In my mind, Mindy does have a fear of clowns, but the clown is a female and VERY friendly looking so she decides to confront her phobia and go with the clown. She does hesitate though, which shows she does have some issue, before we the audience even know what that issue might be.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 MINDY You have a kid party to do? - Missing "'s" after "kid"

I know. Libby pointed that out too...that's how I speak though.   I'll try to remember this.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 MINDY When I was a kid I hated clowns. I was terrified of them. - Ah, I see, she used to have a fear but not anymore, that explains why she didn't mind so much taking the elevator. Still, I think it could provide some laughs if Mindy was in the elevator first and Chris enters after. That initial jolt of shock, maybe Mindy tries to walk around her to escape but can’t because of the elevator’s restricted space.  Anyway, it’s something to consider.

I agree. I like that idea.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I loved the switch halfway through when the elevator stops, the tone darkens with the lights and paranoia sets in. CHRIS I said, we’re gonna have to rely on our wits. - This seems like an odd thing to say. Better than “You’ve got nice tits” sure but still, it doesn’t sound natural.

I agree, totally. Dena is a poet. Maybe she can come up with something better. I knew it wasn't great when I wrote it.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 MINDY I wish the doors would just open. I don’t mind taking the stares. - “Stares” should be “stairs”

One of those things I know for sure, but somehow missed.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I got some laughs too out of some of Mindy's misinterpretations. A few cool visuals also with Chris’s changing demeanour and make-up, genuinely creepy stuff. However, I didn't get the ending. I knew it was all going to be part of Mindy's fevered imagination and Chris would return to normal but I didn't understand the significance of the close up, the meaning of the small tears and sad smile. I mean, doesn't pepper spray do far more damage than just a few tears? Thankfully I don't have any personal experience (just swinging handbags and “I’ll call the cops” threats) but doesn’t one’s eyes become red and swollen and you’re rubbing them for a long time after in serious pain? Chris, on the other hand, seems to have recovered in record time...except the sad smile and small tears. So now I'm thinking Mindy never sprayed her at all. That it was also part of her exaggerated perceptions and hallucinations and Chris's tears are a result of Mindy's less than friendly attitude towards her and the art of clowns in general. Or perhaps I'm way off altogether.

No, you're not off. Others had the same problem. My intention was to leave people wondering, was it real or not? No clear answer. Whatever your mind prefers could be the right one.  

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Oh and I really wanted to know what part of Mindy the (evil) Chris was going to eat first? You left us hanging on that one Col

Well, I left that one open to personal interpretation as well, but I think anyone who knows me and is familiar with my stuff, know exactly what I had in mind.  

Thanks again for reading and sorry, I missed your comments.  

Pia

I too was a bit late to see your response here so we’re even

Quoted from Grandma Bear Someone earlier mentioned that Mindy could be there doing a speech on how to over come fears and phobias. I think that's a great idea and I will use that.

Mmm, yeah, that might be a bit heavy handed though, a little too writ large. Although, for a short humorous sketch, which this script essentially is, it could work well and add to the absurdity of it all.

Quoted from Grandma Bear In my mind, Mindy does have a fear of clowns, but the clown is a female and VERY friendly looking so she decides to confront her phobia and go with the clown. She does hesitate though, which shows she does have some issue, before we the audience even know what that issue might be.

That’s fair enough. As I said further down, upon her admission that the phobia is something she used to suffer from, it made more sense for the scene to be structured the way it is.

Quoted from Grandma Bear No, you're not off. Others had the same problem. My intention was to leave people wondering, was it real or not? No clear answer. Whatever your mind prefers could be the right one.

Ok, I’m not sure if that works for me now that you’ve shed light on it. Having said that, I’m still inclined to go with the “it’s all part of her imagination” interpretation and Chris was just upset because of Mindy unfriendly attitude towards her. Clowns have feeling too, you know

Quoted from Grandma Bear Well, I left that one open to personal interpretation as well, but I think anyone who knows me and is familiar with my stuff, know exactly what I had in mind.

Now I am intrigued, I’ve narrowed it down to an appendage of some sort...

Col.

Hey Pia

SPOILERS!

Got to read this a few weeks ago.

How about having Mindy forced to face her fear? How about making that the day she has the meeting and that's the only elevator to reach that floor ?

I think what's causing "did this actually happen?" syndrome is the description. When this gets shot, we will see how the clown makeup is put on and that will determine if it did or did not happen. I mean, you're the writer, so you can leave it as is. But at some point there needs to be choice lol.

Other than that, I liked it. I found the ending funny when Mindy runs out.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Now I am intrigued, I’ve narrowed it down to an appendage of some sort...

I'll leave it up to personal interpretation. My lips are sealed.  

Gabe,

thanks for reading! I appreciate it.

You are right about being forced to face the fear. That's why I have decided to follow suggestions here and have Mindy already in the elevator when the clown arrives at the last second and forces her way inside.

Haven't seen you around much lately. Hope you've been busy with good stuff.

Thanks again.  

Well, well

I never get tired of evil clowns, so this one was right up my alley. I liked that this clown was a woman instead of the usual guy and that she didn’t seem creepy at first. The creep factor slowly built up instead.

A couple of suggestions:

There’s a certain rhyme between the threats and their clarifications (like “kill” and “drill”), but still the sentences as a whole seem too different to be mistaken. Maybe you could have Mindy a bit distracted with her phone or something so her confusion is more believable?

Mindy first threatens Chris with the pepper spray before actually spraying her. So it’s a tad unnatural when Chris reacts in shock and calls her a bitch; she knew the pepper spray was coming (or should have known). Easy fix though, maybe Mindy could pepper spray Chris without any warning, so her surprised cries of pain seem more natural?

Typos:

P.2 “SHE’S LOOKS SO FRIENDLY”.
P.3 “THE STARES”

Mr. Z!!!! Long time no z!

Thanks for the read. I dashed this one off when Dena asked me to write something for her elevator anthology. She also asked for a mime or a clown and this was my take.

Quoted from Mr.Z I never get tired of evil clowns, so this one was right up my alley. I liked that this clown was a woman instead of the usual guy and that she didn’t seem creepy at first. The creep factor slowly built up instead.

That was my intention.

Quoted from Mr.Z There’s a certain rhyme between the threats and their clarifications (like “kill” and “drill”), but still the sentences as a whole seem too different to be mistaken. Maybe you could have Mindy a bit distracted with her phone or something so her confusion is more believable?

I agree. Dena is supposed to film this one. If she does, I'm sure some of those lines will be changed. She's the poet, so I'm sure she can come up with better stuff.

Quoted from Mr.Z Mindy first threatens Chris with the pepper spray before actually spraying her. So it’s a tad unnatural when Chris reacts in shock and calls her a bitch; she knew the pepper spray was coming (or should have known). Easy fix though, maybe Mindy could pepper spray Chris without any warning, so her surprised cries of pain seem more natural?

Worth considering.

Quoted from Mr.Z Typos: P.2 “SHE’S LOOKS SO FRIENDLY”. P.3 “THE STARES”

Yes...this is a first draft.  

Thanks again for reading. Stick around. Don't be a stranger. There's definitely room for someone like you here.  

You're welcome, and sure I will. Best of luck with the shoot.

Hey there Pia, just took a look at this and not read the other comments yet so sorry if I repeat stuff.

The title drew me in, I had to look up Colourophia. According to Google this phobia has only sprung up in the last few decades and a lot of people (myself included) believe Stephen King’s IT has a lot to do with it! That book scared the large comedy pants off me as a youngster and the TV adaptation was really good as well.

Anyway I digress, as usual. Notes as I read through…

If Mindy has a phobia of clowns she shows little sign of it. There’s no need for her to get in the lift with the object of her fears, even if the clown does look friendly.

Kids party instead of kid.

Mindy says she ‘was’ terrified of clowns as a kid. So she doesn’t have Coulrophobia?

Nice and creepy being stuck in the lift with the clown’s face starts to change but the misheard dialogue doesn’t work at all for me. A light word here and there would be believable but what Chris says first is obvious and clear. The same trick is repeated over and over.

Stairs instead of stares.

Chris is becoming Pennywise the Clown. While this is nice and creepy it just seems like something from IT but not quite as eloquent.  

So it was all a dream or a hallucination? The tears on the clown’s face suggest something more sinister/supernatural was at play but it doesn’t really make any sense. If Mindy had emptied a full can of pepper spray, Chris would be on the floor puking up.

Not really my cup of tea this but it was an easy read and would be straightforward to produce with your friend. Stuck in a lift with a creepy clown is a great idea, I just think it needs bit more of an original spin and a twist you don’t see coming to give it the full impact such an tale deserves.

Best of luck with it.

-Mark