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We start in bedroom, and it's fine. When we move to the kitchen, we need a slug line. it's a new spot.
We get to kitchen, and the dialogue reads like two strangers. And 'sniffing' is not 'sniffling.' Scene lasts too long.
The office scene is meant to be funny, but it doesn't quite have it. Mack is the office chick and the manager, so she sits by the printer and talks smack? The engineers don't sound like engineers. I'm guessing true nerds would already know the pollen count, the best cures available, and the probability of Mack catching anything. Give them some data to spout and argue about. They're nerds.
The flashback scene works. and shows his real problem. And another flashback. But it's the same flashback. He sneezes and something bad happens. How about some other way to show how his allergy affects his life? Running out of tissues? Watering eyes affect driving?
And Jake proves to himself that he's not allergic to anything but Clare. You might throw in some pets and other stuff.
And he comes home to find Claire packing. You have to wonder about commitment when someone plans on leaving without even discussing it. And he lets her go without a tear.
I think this one defies human nature. first, I would think that he would have picked up on the reaction earlier, before pollen season. If he starts sneezing in winter and doesn't have a cold...well, it would be simple. And the ending doesn't work for for me. I would think that if they loved each other, they would look for a solution to the problem. They could try all sorts of remedies, and then if the allergy exists, it's kaputs. Instead, they treat their 'love' like a weekend rendezvous and move on. hmmm. And if they try to salvage their relationship, you have a fertile area to explore for comedy.
I got zoned out of this one... twice now. The writing drags which is a bug of mine. I think the kitchen without a slug is fine as it could be open plan.
Another annoying thing for me is that the dialogue is cheesy and I get the feeling you're British trying to write American. It's failing for me. He calls her babe, then honey. The guy sounds like a creep. If I even said that once to my gf she'd be wondering what I was after.
It's a good premise though. Reading through Richard's notes means I don't need to read the rest to see what happens, so I can see that it's a decent premise for a story. If you wrote more actively this would make your script easier to digest. I also suggest you write more natural dialogue as the lines in this seem like they're ripped from a bad US TV show from the 1980s.
Stick around here, read good scripts. Like any skill, it takes time to master.
After finishing, the first thing I thought was the pay off at the end was not strong enough for what Jake had realised. He's allergic to his girlfriend. Comes home. She leaves. Done. Think you could add a bit here to add something to the story.
The dialogue is pretty bad. The couple don't seem like a couple and the friends don't seem like friends. As Dustin said, it seems like you're probably trying too hard to sound American. Maybe not but that's how it comes across.
The premise is pretty interesting and could be pretty funny if handled a little better. Just work on the characters and the ending and you could have something here.
Really value the comments and suggestions. Just started writing and wanted to put up a couple of scripts here so that I get good honest feedback like this.
Was not trying hard to sound American. The office conversation is actually real, and something we get everyday in our 4 person startup, and Mack actually does talk smack
As for the couple, was going for an exaggerated take on the "millenial" kind of relationship, where one would rather give up than make it work.
Anyway have a lot to learn, and that's the fun part!
Just keep writing and posting here and you'll learn so much from the feedback people give.
This effort definitely wasn't terrible but, like me and many others, you just gotta keep writing and pick up a few tricks of the trade. Then you'll be flying!
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The Allergy
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