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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  El Paso Loco Luchadoras Moderators: bert
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  Author    El Paso Loco Luchadoras  (currently 4873 views)
Don
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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El Paso Loco Luchadoras by CJ Walley - Short, Crime, Comedy, Thriller - When they impersonate a notorious female gang during a convenience store robbery, two wannabe crooks must face-off with the very legends they are trying to imitate. - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the opening to this, full of great atmosphere. You're a talented writer. You really know how to set a scene. Everything went well until the other robbers showed up and then things went a little slapstick for me. Some nice writing on show though, with the right story, you could really leave a mark.
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RichardR
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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CJ,

Comments rarely appear to be bilingual.

This one worked for a while.  The two desperate women who don't show any sign of physical skill need money.  Wish I knew why they need to rob, but hey, it's a poor neighborhood.  They handle the stickup as if they've done this a hundred times.  Can they be a bit amateurish?  Otherwise, they're too good to be true.

Then, the real gang shows up.  The story goes downhill.  Felix becomes a real badass, and Maria becomes a ninja.  hmmm

The setup has possiblities, especially for comedy.  How do they resolve this?  Paper, rock, scissors?  Negotiations?  It can end in physical confrontation, but how about a light moment or two.

All in all, the writing is crisp, the use of Spanish in the dialogue works for me.  Most of it is self-explanatory.  Good.  Keep writing.

Best
Richard
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Marcela
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting plot, good writing. I'm not sure about the morale of the story tho, it kinda glorifies robbers! Love your descriptions and dialogues - quite unique.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 26th, 2015, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm with dustin on this one.

I thought the opening was vivid and well told.

I was slightly lost with all the Spanish etc, but that because's I'm a stupid Brit who doesn't know any other language!   I also appreciated how you cut straight to it...BUT...my gut feel for this would be  better if they are successful first time. The real gang is not happy, then they meet. In that way we have properly set up the characters etc

Meeting on the first time doesn't sit well, but I accept I didn't read on.

Fine line between good lines and slapstick - I feel this one needed to be a tad more serious with quick lines. Slick and lean, less parody.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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LC
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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CJ, Max wants to know what software you're using - more specifically how you get the PDFs to look the way they do. You might want to PM him. Click below:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1435953276/s-7/highlight-/#num7


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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley

the irony being that two gangs dressed as mexican wrestlers resort to a nacho libre fight - the underdogs proving their right to wear the masks.


People dressed as Mexican wrestlers actually wrestling is not irony.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley


That's twisting my words. The irony is obvious.


I used your exact words.


Quoted from CJ Walley

the irony being that two gangs dressed as mexican wrestlers resort to a nacho libre fight


I changed gangs for people is all. I still don't see the irony.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley



So you didn't actually use my exact words at all? You changed the very word which helps frame the irony.

Why?


Well because your story isn't really about gangs. The two girls in the car are not a gang... which is why I used 'people'. However, I'm happy to go with gangs. What is ironic about two gangs wrestling?
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley


Look, I'm so glad this has happened.

This is exactly why I've stated a few times that I'm not looking for peer feedback.

I avoided engaging with members here as much as possible. I was called out for that and told to stand up for myself. I finally find the strength and energy to engage on here and it's immediately nitpicked and twisted into a pedantic debate.

I'm simply not interested. You may thrive off this but it wears me down. Thanks for ruining another writer's day and driving a member away from this discussion board.



So, I take it that you can't point out the irony. That's a shame as it was, and still is, completely lost on me. I cannot see any irony.

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Max
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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It's a shame you feel that way CJ, real shame.

All I can say is keep banging out scripts, and keep uploading.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of people get irony wrong and it really is all Alanis Morissette's fault. The thing is though too, irony can be hard to pinpoint and I thought that I may be missing it. I skimmed the story a few times trying to figure it out... little realising of course that I was dealing with a writer with an ego.

I appreciate learning something new. I imagine actually knowing and fully understanding what irony is is a good tool to have as a writer. Even if you already know, it's still nice to have refreshers now and again. We can't know everything all of the time. I'd be lost without google. Sometimes I google shit I already know just to be sure I know it.

Maybe if they were anti-wrestling protesters or something and then they ended up having to wrestle to survive... that's irony.

I'm probably just being an idiot. It wouldn't be the first time, but if anyone can find the irony here, I'd appreciate knowing what it is. I will, as usual, apologise profusely if I'm wrong. Not that I feel I have actually done much wrong aside from ask for clarification on a comment. I'll just apologise for being wrong.
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Max
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Or if you were a world class tennis player, and someone murdered you with a racket.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
Or if you were a world class tennis player, and someone murdered you with a racket.


I think we should start a new thread on this. For me that comes under coincidence. It would be ironic if the victim hated tennis.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
I loved the opening to this, full of great atmosphere. You're a talented writer. You really know how to set a scene. Everything went well until the other robbers showed up and then things went a little slapstick for me. Some nice writing on show though, with the right story, you could really leave a mark.


I find it ironic you write this and he focuses on that.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini


I find it ironic you write this and he focuses on that.




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley
As per my previous replies in other threads, your feedback is very much appreciated but I'm not looking for peer reviews and don't want to waste people's time.
.


Hey CJ - put this up front in the thread when your scripts are posted and mission accomplished.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
A lot of people get irony wrong and it really is all Alanis Morissette's fault. .


I personally like Jagged Little Pill - my daughters played it all the time and I just got hooked. That being said I would tell my girls that Irony = the fact that "Isn't it Ironic" contained no irony.







My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: November 13th, 2015, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Looking good, CJ.  


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Sandro
Posted: November 13th, 2015, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi CJ,

I enjoyed this. Even before reading the comments I envisioned this playing out as a Rodriguezesque short. The world it's set in very much resembles that of Machete with a hint of Desperado.


Quoted Text
La Llorona aims for the Guy's head. Point blank. BANG! Clean
up on aisle three.
The Woman screams. La Llorana screams
back at her amused.


Why not use that as a one-liner? Not super original but still funny.

As pointed out by many before, you write very well, especially humour. One of my favourites is the salesclerk's "joint gym membership" line.
One part I didn't get was the reveal of the cop. Is she undercover (probably not, seeing as how she didn't even blink when La Llorana capped that guy in cold ice) or is she just corrupt? In either case it's not entirely clear to me.

As for the nonsensical irony debate: robbers dressed as luchadores who unexpectedly end up having to resort to luchardor-like battle tactics seems indeed quite ironic to me. Why? Irony: state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result. Check and check.

In any case, that part will work infinitely better on screen. So, I look forward to seeing the final product and good job on getting it filmed.
Lastly, a word of advice: don't feed the habitué trolls around here. It'll make for a much more pleasant and productive stay. Trust me, I speak from experience.


Sandro

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Sandro  -  November 14th, 2015, 8:52am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 13th, 2015, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Those tracks are expensive, we ended up making our own... well, my mate did, I'm useless at things like that. Good luck with it and hopefully it brings good things to all involved.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 13th, 2015, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Grats on the work, CJ.
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wonkavite
Posted: November 13th, 2015, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey CJ!  Nice pics there... I can't wait to see Vimeo and dailies...  No swearing, huh?  Wow - that's a tone-down.  

--Janet (W)
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eldave1
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley

Thanks for your kind words. They are appreciated. I have no beef with anyone here. As stated by Dustin, I do have a very fragile ego. I have taken my meds now.


Hope we see more from you CJ - both in terms of offering and accepting critiques. For the time being, I will continue to respect your desire not to receive comments on scripts (although, again - I wish you would post that right up front when your work is posted on this site so folks don't waste their time commenting).

I do think it is a bit of a shame that you are not at the interaction level is I do think you have a very unique writing voice and much to offer. Personally I have found that my own writing has improved greatly from the comments here - but it did take some getting use to in terms of the harsher ones. After awhile, it does become like water off the back of a duck. Best of luck with this project - I think you have talent.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CJ Walley


I have noticed your respectful response to my not taking part in peer feedback and I do appreciate it. It's been a real shame that I've had to action my no-solicited-feedback policy on Simply Scripts as it is one of the most courteous communities I've seen blessed with a high degree of talent. Although I've only been writing since 2012, I have been through the feedback mill and developed a degree of indifference to both overly kind and overly curt responses. First through the Blacklist, then Amazon Studios, Done Deal Pro, Stage 32, ScriptNoted, plus of course competition feedback. Like most writers who share their work, I've been cut down many times, sometimes for my own good, sometimes in exchange for payment, and sometimes for another's satisfaction.

I love engaging with other writers and talking craft. I'm lucky enough to have a good reputation within communities like Stage 32 where I've made many dear friends, some of which also frequent this forum. I'm very passionate about screenwriting and spend a lot of my time studying elements of it. What I don't like doing is focusing on an individual's work, be it mine or anybody else's. This is for a multitude of reasons based on my own experience of peer-feedback.

My writing is like greasy diner burgers, cheap and nasty. I'm happiest in that zone for some reason. I also struggle a great deal with spelling and grammar. I don't know why this is, but it's akin to a love of playing instruments with a fundamental difficulty reading and writing music - it's incredibly frustrating and has haunted me all my life. It's one of the core reasons I didn't attempt writing as a hobby until a few years ago. Compounding these issues is my obvious preferred tone and influences. Historically feedback has always pulled me off target and caused me to chase my tail, sometimes to the detriment of my scripts which end up in a conflicted state.

Basically, and this may come across as somewhat selfish, I'd rather be a happy writer first and a better writer second. My philosophy is that the former leads to the latter. Plus ignorance is bliss, and I'm not chasing any kind of screenwriting career.

When it comes to giving feedback, I do find time to do this privately with a few contacts. I would like to do it more for those that request it, and I'd love to be a part of Shootin' The Shorts at some point, but I'm just not in the place to do that right now.

This all said, I do hope to interact more here as I'm so impressed with the discussions I've seen, but life is getting in the way right now and there's a few hurdles to get over yet. But sincerely, I appreciate the sentiment of what you are saying, and do aim to contribute more proactively in the future.


All good, Dude. Best of lick.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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