Mark, thanks for taking a look.

Yeah, some of the wording here is a bit off. Always seems to happen, after I submit something, I look back and hate the way I've put some things. Looked over it a million times but after it's sent away, I notice it all. Grinds my gears.

A size too big just means they're loose. I felt if I said baggy, people may see this as a style choice. It's not. I was trying to get across he's poor. I'll come up with a better way of showing that.

And yeah, I've got a little tweak in mind that will help the dad's out in this one. Pity you saw the twist coming, guess some people just have that knack.

Cheers for giving your thoughts, I appreciate it.

Quoted from IamGlenn Mark, thanks for taking a look. Yeah, some of the wording here is a bit off. Always seems to happen, after I submit something, I look back and hate the way I've put some things. Looked over it a million times but after it's sent away, I notice it all. Grinds my gears.

No problem, I really relate to your struggles. I can literally spend hours trying to describe one character, or I can constantly re-write the most basic scene description/actions without ever being satisfied. For me it’s the hardest part of writing a script. However when I read someone else’s work I can spot issues really easily. It’s frustrating and one of the reasons these forums are priceless.  

What Mark said, pretty much.

Sometimes you'll convince yourself that something is wrong, when it's perfectly okay.  This tends to happen when you spend hours at a time on a script.

I'd look at some of my description and I'd be like "Nah, that don't look right", then a bunch of people tell me it's fine so... lol

Yeah, I really think that's the biggest problem I have with writing at the moment. Not noticing little mistakes. Or noticing something that's probably fine, changing it and messing it up.

And now, I'm just after finishing another short and I'm going through it like a mad man and I guarantee the same thing will happen again. Gonna hold off, go back in a few days and read it again. See what I see then.

It's always best to leave it and come back, for sure.  If you get carried away with your description, try resetting everything back to basics.

Sometimes I'll get too flowery for my own good, and then I'll have to strip it all back to really simple English, strong verbs ect.

What I did here is write it first off, basic as can be. Now as I go through I'm adding little bits to enhance it (well, I hope). Never done it like this before. Here's hoping something good comes of it.

Glenn

BRAD
Yeah. My Dad fired your Dad. You
know, cos he’s a fag.

- Wow, that is so 90s I’m presuming Brad’s dad had some cover story because this simply wouldn’t be tolerated in today’s world. Maybe Brad could allude to this. Something like “yeah, business was slow, sure.” in a sarcastic manner before saying what you’ve written.

TOM
Ok. But one more incident and we’ll
have to do something.

- Wouldn't Tom or Alan have be more suspicious of why Jackson is getting into these fights? Yes, this is 2015 and we'd like to think we're all more inclusive and open minded but on the school playground Jackson's domestic situation is going to cause friction. Alan or Tom should realise this and be asking more pointed questions during this scene I feel. Right now they seem ignorant boarding on willful denial, like they know but don’t want to ask.

“He looks to his bed, where he see’s ADAM (16), similar look
to Jackson but broader, sitting against the wall with his
hands behind his head.”

- I’m not trying to be a smart cu?t but straight away I'm anticipating Adam to be part of Jackson's imagination. His cool, laid back posture alone tells me this.

“He turns back around. Adam is gone.”

- Yup, unfortunately, I think anybody reading will see this twist coming.

“He turns and sprints into the distance as police sirens are
heard in the distance coming nearer.”

- How would the police be reacting so quickly? Who would have notified them?

Sorry, for me this is much too straightaway and predictable to have any kind of impact. I could see the ending coming from the first page combined with the script's title. Except for the introduction of Adam (which itself is cliché everybody will see for what he is before it’s revealed) it pretty much plays out as expected. There was no surprises or twists along the way in reaching the inevitable conclusion.

However, I did think the reason why Jackson was getting bullied was an interesting touch, it gave it a contemporary and topical feel...even if Brad's father wouldn't be allowed do what he did in this age. He'd be excoriated so much in the media, both mainstream and social that he would have to rehire Jackson's dad and resign himself in shame.

I hoped with this dynamic of Jackson being bullied because of his dads that you might have him lashing out against them rather than Brad. This would’ve been more surprising and ultimately tragic.

Especially after you had the scene where Alan and Tom scold Jackson for getting into these fights (since Jackson understandably isn't telling them the full story) I thought you were going to take in a different direction where Jackson harbours contempt towards them and their, what some would deem, unconventional relationship and blames them for his situation with Brad rather than Brad himself. In Jackson’s mind, with the constant assaults on his self-esteem and physical abuse, this could make more sense to him. He figures his dads are the real problem and causing him to be ostracized by his peers.

Anyway, it might be something to consider because otherwise I think this feels very uninspired and perfunctory.

Col.

Hey Glenn - took a quick look at this - first off:

...sticks it into Brads stomach, was the only grammatical that I spotted, so good on that.

Second, this is fairly well trodden ground - & Fight Club's one of a number of examples.

The 'two dads' characters are not necessary IMO as they are not really developed, and the character development should rest with the split personality -- or suggestions/hints of where that comes from; maybe bring in Adam as the alter-ego early on in the script.

Maybe ditch the teens as well and replace with Brad's g/f - might add a touch of humiliation in there and a limit to the number of characters appearing?

Glenn,

I won't repeat the good advice already given -- except to say: Get rid of the Adam device.

Use what you've got as a starting point. Think of various other routes you could take. Such as, maybe the two fathers disagree on how to handle the situation, beat each other up (just kidding...well, sort of). Let your unconscious sort through the alternatives. It'll present you with something original.

Henry

Thanks for the reads and opinions.

Col,
Yeah his dad had a real reason to fire him. But Brad is a bully and saying that to put Jackson down. I think that's how bully's like to operate.
The parent's are weak in my opinion too. And have a way to work that out. Just haven't gotten round to re-writing yet.
People reading might be able to see the twist coming, hopefully not them watching
And I was thinking someone in a nearby house could have alerted the cops. I'll think on that.
Thanks for your thoughts and I'll definitely take it all into consideration. Much appreciated as always.

Forgive,
I like the idea of the two fathers. But I'll have to add more to them in a re write.
And, yeah ditching the teens and just going with the girls could definitely work.
Cheers.

Henry,
Thanks for that. I'll think it over. Not quite sure what to do with this.
Cheers.

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I'm in two minds now whether to rewrite this or not. It's gotten some interest from someone who would like to film it. Think I'll see how that turns out and make a decision in a bit.