Time for Love by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Romance - An elderly lady discovers an old flame in her shed. 4 pages - pdf, format

Cheers mate. Logline is a bit wank, I've just realised. Perhaps change the first 'old' for elderly.

Dustin - think someone has hacked your account, you seem to have loaded a straight up romance!!!

That said, I really liked this, sweet and poignant in equal measure... there's a few unfilmables but they add to the tone of the script so I'll let em fly.

The only element that I think might need a tweak is whent they are transported to the dance in their heads... if this is meant to be a flashback it needs calling out as such - and I think it could be given the time travel theme.

Good job.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Dustin - think someone has hacked your account, you seem to have loaded a straight up romance!!! That said, I really liked this, sweet and poignant in equal measure... there's a few unfilmables but they add to the tone of the script so I'll let em fly. The only element that I think might need a tweak is whent they are transported to the dance in their heads... if this is meant to be a flashback it needs calling out as such - and I think it could be given the time travel theme. Good job. Anthony

Cheers mate. Glad you enjoyed it. In regard to the romance genre, it's not something I'd like to write a feature in but I think most genres call for the odd bit of romance so it helps to exercise the writing muscles in this area.

I prefer the way that I've written the flashback. I already know how to format a flashback and have deliberately chosen to do it this way. I did similar in Antisocial Emissions where I portrayed a dog in the guy's mind without being so overt with the formatting.

I may start writing like this all the time. Sometimes it's probably easier to write the FLASHBACK tags in, but if I can write around them, then that is what I'm going to start doing.

Re romance, will remind you of that next time you bail on one of mine

Formatting - no 'rules' as we know, but threw me as a reader familiar with scripts as I wasn't sure if you meant it as an aside or as a flashback, your choice of course.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Re romance, will remind you of that next time you bail on one of mine Formatting - no 'rules' as we know, but threw me as a reader familiar with scripts as I wasn't sure if you meant it as an aside or as a flashback, your choice of course. Anthony

I've never bailed on one of your scripts. I may elect not to read the odd one, but I've never started and not finished... that I remember, anyway. I may say it's not my thing, but I can still appreciate a story well told.

Hey - a romance! Nice to see. Overall, solid effort.

Quoted Text Her breath freezes inches in front of her face as she hobbles with the aid of a stick toward a large shed.

Great visual - instantly easy to see.

Quoted Text She throws open the door and stands in the doorway with her stick poised -- she’s a tough old girl.

The more I read scripts - here as well as well known ones - the more I am becoming a fan of unfilmables - asides  Recently read one written by R.E - filled with asides and are very effective. She's a tough old girl gets to her core in 5 simple words.

Quoted Text MARJORIE I could always tell when you were lying, you haven’t gotten much better at it.

Thinks it works better as two sentences.

Quoted Text She sinks into his embrace... sails away to a time gone by, a time when they were both young, dancing, carefree. As their lips meet, they are transported in their minds to a ballroom, both in their twenties, dressed to the nines, kissing while they twirl to music.

Okay - I like this and know exactly what is happening. My rules brain is screaming - no, this has to be  a formal flashback. My style brain is screaming - why? I understood exactly what is happening. Going to digest it for awhile.

Nice effort here - good to see you in the romance arena.

Quoted from eldave1 Hey - a romance! Nice to see. Overall, solid effort. Great visual - instantly easy to see. The more I read scripts - here as well as well known ones - the more I am becoming a fan of unfilmables - asides  Recently read one written by R.E - filled with asides and are very effective. She's a tough old girl gets to her core in 5 simple words. Thinks it works better as two sentences. Okay - I like this and know exactly what is happening. My rules brain is screaming - no, this has to be  a formal flashback. My style brain is screaming - why? I understood exactly what is happening. Going to digest it for awhile. Nice effort here - good to see you in the romance arena.

I think asides are important in regard to getting the reader to fully appreciate what you're trying to tell them. They're only bad when overly done or forced. When you're writing and feeling the atmosphere it's nice to pass a little of it along to the reader too.

I think the flashback is clear, especially when in the next action block the first words are 'Back in the shed'. I think that most directors reading that will get it. Even were it an aside, it's a filmable aside.

Yes, after some thought, I think that bit of dialogue would work better as two sentences.

Thanks for the read and review, mate.

Didn’t see the ‘romance’ when I read the log -- given your usual gritty stuff I was totally expecting this to go someplace far darker...  

That said, I liked this one a lot -- a nod to the Time Machine in the character of George perhaps?  I’m a sucker for those ‘back-yard’ Sci-Fi stories -- time travel in particular.  Overall I think this could benefit from a little more.  To me it felt like George died too quickly.  On the flip-side I respect there’s something bittersweet in their fleeting reunion -- something he’s been seeking for decades (presumably, given his and Marjorie’s ages).

Was George her husband?  Could give us a hint as to who/what he was to her, making for a stronger connection between them.  Also seems like there’d be more guilt on his part for leaving her for so long.

Couldn’t help but want them to travel off together -- perhaps not the happy ending you’re after; though it could help in terms of budget -- showing George’s death as written would require more specialised FX than a big shed, a decent make-up artist and a fancy chair...

There’s much to be made of this idea, hope you get some interest -- or even put it together yourself.    

Steve

Look at that.  A kinder, gentler Dustin.  Who knew?

This is fine as it is, easily imagined, sweet and totally inoffensive for any audience.  There is potential there, though the makeup and effects pose a bit of a challenge for a short, they are not insurmountable.

My small quibble -- the odd detail of a Bakelite phone.  Perhaps that is a Brit thing, but I've never heard the phrase in my life.  Not a big deal -- but as I have seen you say -- it "took me out" for a few moments.

Just pointing it out, as my only real comment here, and as it is so easily remedied with something more common -- a rotary phone, perhaps.  Or not.  Certainly not a deal-breaker for an interested party.  Just saying.  It’s still nice.

GJ,

If you Alias something like this -- no way anyone would accuse you of being the author

Could be kinda expensive to film for a short-short. Lots of make-up for the age shift.

Hope at the end. Eternally speaking.

Quoted from stevemiles That said, I liked this one a lot -- a nod to the Time Machine in the character of George perhaps?  I’m a sucker for those ‘back-yard’ Sci-Fi stories -- time travel in particular.

Nice catch, yes. It was writers like him and Lovecraft that inspired me to write as a kid.

Quoted Text Overall I think this could benefit from a little more.  To me it felt like George died too quickly.  On the flip-side I respect there’s something bittersweet in their fleeting reunion -- something he’s been seeking for decades (presumably, given his and Marjorie’s ages).

I purposefully tried to keep this as short as possible. But yeah, it could probably do with a little more of the same.

Quoted Text Was George her husband?  Could give us a hint as to who/what he was to her, making for a stronger connection between them.  Also seems like there’d be more guilt on his part for leaving her for so long.

A wedding ring. Perfect. Thank you. I'll weave that in somehow.

Quoted Text Couldn’t help but want them to travel off together -- perhaps not the happy ending you’re after; though it could help in terms of budget -- showing George’s death as written would require more specialised FX than a big shed, a decent make-up artist and a fancy chair... There’s much to be made of this idea, hope you get some interest -- or even put it together yourself.     Steve

I did consider the FX, but thought it might be fun for a filmmaker to attempt. Way above my level at the moment though.

Thanks for the read and advice, much appreciated.

Quoted from bert My small quibble -- the odd detail of a Bakelite phone.  Perhaps that is a Brit thing, but I've never heard the phrase in my life.  Not a big deal -- but as I have seen you say -- it "took me out" for a few moments.

OK, they must have used a different name for them in the US. Bakelite is a type of early plastic that couldn't be produced in bright colours is all I really know about it. I'll Google and see what it was known as in US. Ah, well it seems it was invented by a Belgian born American and was in use there before here. However the actual telephones were a Swedish invention by a Mr Ericsson and the Bakelite phone was officially known as the Ericsson DBH 1001.

But, as I read a member here write a couple of days ago... write for the educated. I think something like this that is easily searched on the web is fine.

Glad you liked it. I'm quite surprised at the responses to this script. I'll have to start writing stuff like this more often. Thanks for the read and review. Hopefully we'll see something of yours listed soon.

Quoted from TonyDionisio GJ, If you Alias something like this -- no way anyone would accuse you of being the author Could be kinda expensive to film for a short-short. Lots of make-up for the age shift. Hope at the end. Eternally speaking.

Yeah, she's going to bump into him sometime if she keeps moving. Of course, when she does, it will be her last time too, but it'll be worth it.

Thanks for the read and review, mate.

Quoted from DustinBowcot OK, they must have used a different name for them in the US. Bakelite is a type of early plastic that couldn't be produced in bright colours is all I really know about it. I'll Google and see what it was known as in US. ... But, as I read a member here write a couple of days ago... write for the educated. I think something like this that is easily searched on the web is fine.

Yep, I agree with this. You can dumb things down to much to cater for everyone but using the authentic language for the object is going to elevate the script writing imh. It was developed by Belgian-born chemist Leo Baekeland in New York in 1907. We have one of those phones under the house from way back - in Australia they were still using them in the 60s and early 70s I think, and you can still get them on ebay. Bakelite was big in jewellery as well.

I'll echo what others have said re the story, Dustin - it's nice to see you spreading your talent (and CV potentially) across genres. Also good you changed the 'old' to 'elderly' in the logline - reads much better and gives your character the respect she deserves.

This is really lovely and well done. I too wondered if when Marjorie finally went back in time if she would bump into George, or if that's the end of that. Time travel stories always spin me out a bit.  I'll admit to feeling a pang when George kept getting older and older and then, oh no, too late - he finally turned to dust. The ending is bittersweet - I wanted that reunion, though I expect that's the charm of it, you have to imagine it. Tying it up too neatly is often a mistake and it loses its charm.

Good to see you switching it up and surprising us.

Quoted from LC Yep, I agree with this. You can dumb things down to much to cater for everyone but using the authentic language for the object is going to elevate the script writing imh. It was developed by Belgian-born chemist Leo Baekeland in New York in 1907. We have one of those phones under the house from way back - in Australia they were still using them in the 60s and early 70s I think, and you can still get them on ebay. Bakelite was big in jewellery as well.

Yeah they were still in use in our country around then too. There is a way of rewiring them to be used in modern sockets too. I also agree that writing dial phone may come across as me not knowing the proper name, and could perhaps lose some readers because of it. I prefer Bakelite over Ericsson DBH 1001 though... I think. I'll consider that, as it may be better to come up with an actual model.

Quoted Text I'll echo what others have said re the story, Dustin - it's nice to see you spreading your talent (and CV potentially) across genres. Also good you changed the 'old' to 'elderly' in the logline - reads much better and gives your character the respect she deserves.

I know I'm supposed to write them first, but for me loglines always come last. And, because of that, I usually mess them up.

Quoted Text This is really lovely and well done. I too wondered if when Marjorie finally went back in time if she would bump into George, or if that's the end of that. Time travel stories always spin me out a bit.  I'll admit to feeling a pang when George kept getting older and older and then, oh no, too late - he finally turned to dust. The ending is bittersweet - I wanted that reunion, though I expect that's the charm of it, you have to imagine it. Tying it up too neatly is often a mistake and it loses its charm. Good to see you switching it up and surprising us.

Well, she's quite determined, all she has to do is keep jumping, and one day, hopefully, she will catch up to him where she can then get some more time with her lover before she too dies. I did consider showing it, but it would have gotten repetitive, basically the same story reversed.

Thanks for the read and review.

Hmmm, don't know what to say about this one.  Well crafted, as always, but again, not something I can get into personally.  I prefer the gritty shit Dustin, the punch-ups, the overly graphic sex scenes, brains being blown out onto the back wall ect.

This was not a read for me, but I did appreciate the time-travel aspect of the script.

Did you write this after Antisocial Emissions? Or did you have this on the back burner somewhere?

I just want that British grit from you Dustin, because that's the shit which goes down very well with myself, but you don't write for me, and I understand that.

I'll maybe give this another read tomorrow, see how I feel about it.

Your work-rate is very impressive Dustin, fuck.

Hey Dustin,

Read this over the weekend and enjoyed it.

Well written as always and a nice romantic tale, something different for you I suppose. But that's a good thing.

I've no problem with the way you wrote the flashback. I understood exactly what was going on and really can't see how it would confuse people as it is written pretty clearly.

My only problem, and this is clutching, is when they meet. It seemed a little rushed. He was gone too quick and left the poor old woman to time hop alone! Maybe you could add a little more to their meeting. Give them that time that they missed out on?

Or maybe you meant this, as a way to show us that time is precious and our time together can be up in a flash. Which, although depressing, is quite a nice idea.

Nice work though. A well told romantic tale.

Good luck with it,
Glenn.

Quoted from Max Hmmm, don't know what to say about this one.  Well crafted, as always, but again, not something I can get into personally.  I prefer the gritty shit Dustin, the punch-ups, the overly graphic sex scenes, brains being blown out onto the back wall ect. This was not a read for me, but I did appreciate the time-travel aspect of the script. Did you write this after Antisocial Emissions? Or did you have this on the back burner somewhere? I just want that British grit from you Dustin, because that's the shit which goes down very well with myself, but you don't write for me, and I understand that. I'll maybe give this another read tomorrow, see how I feel about it. Your work-rate is very impressive Dustin, fuck.

I got the idea for this after reading an article where a lady advertised on gumtree for a time travel companion. I know they're hardly the same thing, but that's where the idea came from.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-posts-ad-open-minded-5887110

At first I wrote about a guy going around to buy the time machine after seeing it advertised, but it didn't really go anywhere (the story that is). After some thought as to what I could do with the story, I came up with this. I wrote it after Antisocial Emissions and just like with that, the idea came and I set to work.

I don't expect this to be for everybody, it's not exactly my type of thing either, but the time machine and the guy rotting and turning to dust has to be worth a few points.

Cheers mate.

Dustin

MARJORIE
(ventures)
George?

- I like this wryly. In one word, it perfectly conjured up an image of Marjorie delivering this line.

GEORGE
(lying)
No... no, you look just as
beautiful as the day I left.

- On the contrary, I think this wryly is a bit lazy and vague. You could give us more here in term of body language and facial expression to describe how he's being disingenuous.

MARJORIE
I have to admit, I’d given up ever
seeing you again in this life.

- I wonder would it be an interesting twist, as well as providing some extra conflict, to have Marjorie be a little angry at George? As in not immediately welcoming or wholly happy to see him reappear like this after all this time. By the sounds of it, the guy made a dodgy time travelling machine and literally disappeared without a trace for over 60 years. Surely during that time, as the likelihood of him returning dwindled, her mind was increasingly preoccupied with, shall we say, less that sympathetic thoughts as to his whereabouts; growing resentment, blame, hatred etc, for leaving her like that. The gnawing possibility that he landed in some other timeline, liked it, stayed there and essentially abandoned her.

GEORGE
I could only stay in one place for
so long before I started to age.
Jumping constantly has kept me
young.

- Nitpicky I know but shouldn't he be talking in the present, not the past? As in "can" instead of "could" and "start" instead of "started" I mean, he's still using the time machine up to this point.

“As their lips meet, they are transported in their minds to a
ballroom, both in their twenties, dressed to the nines,
kissing while they twirl to music.”

- Should this be a new scene since they've been transported to a ballroom? That is where the characters will be on screen even if it is only for a moment.

Nice idea here and I appreciate it’s only a four pager but I was left wanting to learn more, boringly inevitable I know. I had so many questions; Where did the time machine come from? Who made it? Why hadn't Marjorie used it before now? Why can't it send George where he wants to go? If George ages so quickly wouldn't he have aged a lot in the intervening years with all his future and past escapades? Are you saying that if he got back into the machine before he turned to dust and went back in time he would've gotten younger again? Does he only age when he goes forward?

I totally appreciate that you can't get into the technicalities of it in such a short script but I was curious to get a better grasp of the aging situation since it does play such an influential part in the dramatic stakes of the story. It gives you a ticking clock scenario and ultimately drives Marjorie to make that all important decision at the end, to go look for him...something I wondered why she hadn’t done before now. Or was this because George had possession of the handset all these years?

However, I realize those kind of logistical question are really beside the point here. You're more interested in the notion of these two people being able to share a brief moment together after having being estranged for so long. How love reverberates through time and space, superseding everything else. George even says how he's seen so much during his time travelling exploits yet he's only ever wanted to get back to her. It’s a very Intersteller-ish idea actually. Was that an influence?

Col.

Quoted from IamGlenn Hey Dustin, Read this over the weekend and enjoyed it. Well written as always and a nice romantic tale, something different for you I suppose. But that's a good thing. I've no problem with the way you wrote the flashback. I understood exactly what was going on and really can't see how it would confuse people as it is written pretty clearly. My only problem, and this is clutching, is when they meet. It seemed a little rushed. He was gone too quick and left the poor old woman to time hop alone! Maybe you could add a little more to their meeting. Give them that time that they missed out on? Or maybe you meant this, as a way to show us that time is precious and our time together can be up in a flash. Which, although depressing, is quite a nice idea. Nice work though. A well told romantic tale. Good luck with it, Glenn.

Yeah, I wanted to keep this as short as possible without hurting the story. She time hopped in an effort to meet up with him. If she made it back to 1955 then there's a chance she could bump into him, although she would be old and he young. I actually considered writing that and then ending it with he rebuffing her. But that wouldn't be a nice story and would ruin it. It would make it more like a bitter joke than a real story.

I like it as it is. A tale of hope and true love everlasting.

Thanks for the read and thoughts, mate.

Quoted from eldave The more I read scripts - here as well as well known ones - the more I am becoming a fan of unfilmables - asides  Recently read one written by R.E - filled with asides and are very effective. She's a tough old girl gets to her core in 5 simple words.

Exactly...but...only when required, only when it adds and moves forward.

Here we get the impression beyond someone who is just old. She's walking into the dark, stick in hand...hence...she's a tough old bird. Doesn't need anymore.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I read somewhere at script shadow about how readers were getting fed up of the over the top character descriptions, which is a kind of parallel for this type of aside, which is then not seen out in how they act. A useful reminder that we must be relevant and consistent.

Back to script in a second but just wanted to agree with this.

Now to script.

I think everyone should be forced to write a rom com, and comedy. They present different challenges that often rise and fall on the emotions we feel. The ultimate challenge to a writer to convey.

This is sound and being contained has a decent chance of being filmed, but a tad like the Col - above - I feel this could be fleshed out without going on too long. It's a choice thing.

So, here what I thought I would do, I doubt this is what you wished for, but here it is all the same.

First off, he left her, in a self adventure. She's been left to age, alone it seems, he's young and fit. She's not. How would you feel about seeing your ex as a granny??

So my thoughts;

1) she's a tad angry - remember she's a tough old bird. Why she's going to get mushy straight up. Go on have her hit him with the stick.

2) tells him to fuck off on his sofa

Ps I quite like the idea he has seen her many time, but never got close enough, the sofa never landed in the right place.  She recalls being waved to a few times, say in the park, supermarket etc - so he's the weirdo. But it gives weight to his desire to see her again.

3) he sits down doesn't leave. He laments his travels, loneliness

4) this strikes a nerve with her - she's been lonely. If only they had found a way to stay together. Both agree.

5) she opens up - age stinks, don't blame him for this, just wish she could have come along

6) he ages before her eyes - they are now less different, both physically and mentally

7) then as you have written - although I would make a stronger reference to the day they met in xyz year, so that when she re dial see definitely know she's off to see him.

A way to be together after all.

What I find with time travel scripts is that underlying this is a usual thread of cheating life. Because you nicely bring in the acceleration process, this ties in well to this type of theme. If you try to escape, like a drug, there is a price to pay.

But, for her...what price...she's paid the price. Nice reversal of theme.

Best of luck with this.

Re the format - we all know you like the way you do things. I appreciate the desire to do as you feel works, but on occasions it may be worth remembering the format. Re the flashback I get what you wanted to do, get, but it was then 'unclear' to me whether this was an aside of character or a visual scene. A slower read may show this more clearly, but then we all have to write for readers in a rush. All the best.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I got the idea for this after reading an article where a lady advertised on gumtree for a time travel companion. I know they're hardly the same thing, but that's where the idea came from. http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-posts-ad-open-minded-5887110

Reminds me of Safety Not Guaranteed.

Nice script, interesting to see you do romance. Nothing really to say that hasn't already been said, maybe just that the visual of eyes rotting and bones crumbling feels kind of out of place in an otherwise gentle romantic tale. The logline still looks wank to me, though. "discovers an old flame in her shed" sounds both weird and vague.

Quoted from DS Reminds me of Safety Not Guaranteed. Nice script, interesting to see you do romance. Nothing really to say that hasn't already been said, maybe just that the visual of eyes rotting and bones crumbling feels kind of out of place in an otherwise gentle romantic tale. The logline still looks wank to me, though. "discovers an old flame in her shed" sounds both weird and vague.

Love Safety Not Guaranteed!

Dustin,

I read this a few days ago but neglected to comment, because I forgot. No keys you see. Couldn't find them and couldn't stop looking as I needed some sausages. Anyways...

I've not read other comments. As I couldn't be arsed. And there's the keys thing...

Quoted from Time For Love GEORGE (lying) No... no, you look just as beautiful as the day I left.

Minor quibble, but I don't think you need the parenthetical there. As nine out of ten would suss it anyway.

This reminded me of Mike Leigh. Which in my book is very good indeed. I think it's rather good. Doddle to film, with the right fx. Good luck with that. Mind you, you could just change the actor and keep the original's voice.

Smelling the jacket brought back Brokeback Mountain and American Beauty, it would be a very nice scene indeed.

It's a good end too. You're getting rather good at this, Dustin. Well done. Keep it up, fella.

R

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Dustin MARJORIE (ventures) George? - I like this wryly. In one word, it perfectly conjured up an image of Marjorie delivering this line.

Me too, thanks mate. I generally think of dialogue in more literary terms and have to switch it around for screenplays. In my head, that reads:

"George?" Marjorie ventured, her eyesight not as good as it used to be.

So I thought, why not use it in a wryly. I'm going to start writing like this all the time. I stripped so much out of my writing while learning how to do this and I feel that I have taken too much out. So, I'm going to start putting it back in and I don't care what anyone says.

Quoted Text GEORGE (lying) No... no, you look just as beautiful as the day I left. - On the contrary, I think this wryly is a bit lazy and vague. You could give us more here in term of body language and facial expression to describe how he's being disingenuous.

I hate it too but for a different reason. I don't think it is lazy, more superfluous. Like Ren said, it will be obvious he's lying. But I also don't agree with your point on needing to write body language or facial expression. The wryly was meant to portray tone not the direct the actor in facial expression or body language. I think that type of thing is best left to the actor. He may want to smile, or perhaps do something else.

Quoted Text MARJORIE I have to admit, I’d given up ever seeing you again in this life. - I wonder would it be an interesting twist, as well as providing some extra conflict, to have Marjorie be a little angry at George? As in not immediately welcoming or wholly happy to see him reappear like this after all this time. By the sounds of it, the guy made a dodgy time travelling machine and literally disappeared without a trace for over 60 years. Surely during that time, as the likelihood of him returning dwindled, her mind was increasingly preoccupied with, shall we say, less that sympathetic thoughts as to his whereabouts; growing resentment, blame, hatred etc, for leaving her like that. The gnawing possibility that he landed in some other timeline, liked it, stayed there and essentially abandoned her.

She already knows what the time machine is because she recognised it and knew that after 60 years it must be George. So, it goes without saying that they had a conversation about this before he left. They probably wouldn't have expected it to work... then, he's gone. They loved each other so much that she waited the entire time for him to return and knew that he would never purposefully leave her, that something had gone wrong somewhere. She knew that he would be trying to get home, either that or he was dead. This is true love. Where you deeply know another person, know them so well that you know they'd always have your back. I don't agree that she would be angry or be harbouring any form of resentment. She knew that if he could come back, he would... and he did... she was right.

Quoted Text GEORGE I could only stay in one place for so long before I started to age. Jumping constantly has kept me young. - Nitpicky I know but shouldn't he be talking in the present, not the past? As in "can" instead of "could" and "start" instead of "started" I mean, he's still using the time machine up to this point.

Yes, it would be more correct to speak in the present tense here. Thanks.

Quoted Text “As their lips meet, they are transported in their minds to a ballroom, both in their twenties, dressed to the nines, kissing while they twirl to music.” - Should this be a new scene since they've been transported to a ballroom? That is where the characters will be on screen even if it is only for a moment.

Yes it should. But I don't need to write it in because it is obvious from the context.

Quoted Text Nice idea here and I appreciate it’s only a four pager but I was left wanting to learn more, boringly inevitable I know. I had so many questions; Where did the time machine come from? Who made it? Why hadn't Marjorie used it before now? Why can't it send George where he wants to go?

I think it's obvious from the context that the time machine doesn't just sit there after somebody has used it to travel. In most stories the time machine goes with the traveller. So Marjorie couldn't use something that wasn't there, and also explains why she hung around for 60 years... damn, are these real questions? I've got a lot of respect for you Col, but man, this shit seems a little much for a man of your IQ. I also believe it is fairly obvious from the context that George made the time machine. George himself doesn't know why it won't send him where he wants to go so why do you expect me to know? It just doesn't work proper.

Quoted Text If George ages so quickly wouldn't he have aged a lot in the intervening years with all his future and past escapades? Are you saying that if he got back into the machine before he turned to dust and went back in time he would've gotten younger again? Does he only age when he goes forward?

Now this is an excellent question and something that played across my mind as I wrote it. The only way that it can work is that once he steps back into the machine and travels he reverts back to the age he started from, probably due to the weirdness of time travel. It's a logical conclusion that I, for obvious reasons, didn't want to write into the script. Be honest, did you already arrive at that conclusion yourself? You must have. It's the only logical conclusion, else the logic of the entire story doesn't hold up.

Quoted Text I totally appreciate that you can't get into the technicalities of it in such a short script but I was curious to get a better grasp of the aging situation since it does play such an influential part in the dramatic stakes of the story. It gives you a ticking clock scenario and ultimately drives Marjorie to make that all important decision at the end, to go look for him...something I wondered why she hadn’t done before now.

Marjorie doesn't care about the ageing thing. She just wants more time with her lover, no matter the cost.

Quoted Text Or was this because George had possession of the handset all these years?

There never was a handset.

Quoted Text However, I realize those kind of logistical question are really beside the point here.

I don't think they are beside the point. They're considerations for the reader/viewer who can fill in the gaps for themselves. If they can't, then they have to be that annoying friend that asks.

Quoted Text You're more interested in the notion of these two people being able to share a brief moment together after having being estranged for so long. How love reverberates through time and space, superseding everything else. George even says how he's seen so much during his time travelling exploits yet he's only ever wanted to get back to her.

Yes. Precisely.

Quoted Text It’s a very Intersteller-ish idea actually. Was that an influence?

Not at all.


Thanks for taking the time to read and review, mate... as usual, plenty to chew over. Hoping to see something new of yours up soon.

Dustin

Quoted from DustinBowcot I hate it too but for a different reason. I don't think it is lazy, more superfluous. Like Ren said, it will be obvious he's lying. But I also don't agree with your point on needing to write body language or facial expression. The wryly was meant to portray tone not the direct the actor in facial expression or body language. I think that type of thing is best left to the actor. He may want to smile, or perhaps do something else.

I believe a wryly has its place here because the dialogue could be misleading otherwise. Yes, she has aged 60 years in the interim so obviously she’s doesn’t look the same but it’s that true love thing where in George’s mind she hasn't changed. He can see the real Marjorie, the woman he fell in love with all those years ago, in there despite the physical differences This is a rare moment of levity in the script so it could be easily misconstrued as an earnest remark without that wrylie. I know some frown upon overly explicit ones, actors in particular but they do no harm either in conveying what you want to get across. The same goes for body language which has the added plus of being a more visual method of writing which is what we’re always striving for. Again, what the actor decides to take from that or not is up to them.

Quoted from DustinBowcot She already knows what the time machine is because she recognised it and knew that after 60 years it must be George. So, it goes without saying that they had a conversation about this before he left. They probably wouldn't have expected it to work... then, he's gone. They loved each other so much that she waited the entire time for him to return and knew that he would never purposefully leave her, that something had gone wrong somewhere. She knew that he would be trying to get home, either that or he was dead. This is true love. Where you deeply know another person, know them so well that you know they'd always have your back. I don't agree that she would be angry or be harbouring any form of resentment. She knew that if he could come back, he would... and he did... she was right.

That’s all true but we’re human after all, plagued by doubts, uncertainties and what ifs. I just made the suggestion as it might had some dimension  to the scene so it’s not all the same “I’ve missed you so much and loved you for so long” sentiments. Still, I get that unwavering devotion is the central theme here.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I think it's obvious from the context that the time machine doesn't just sit there after somebody has used it to travel.

It wasn’t obvious for me because you mentioned “Embedded into one arm of the kings wing chair is a Bakelite dial phone, without the handset.” so I figured that this missing handset is what George used to time travel. This is why I referred to it later on in my notes. You see, I’m not well up on the anatomy of 60s household furniture

Quoted from DustinBowcot I also believe it is fairly obvious from the context that George made the time machine. George himself doesn't know why it won't send him where he wants to go so why do you expect me to know? It just doesn't work proper.

I think you greatly overestimate my IQ, sir. Yes, I presumed George made the time machine but that doesn’t stop me asking question about the nature of its existence, how it was made and why it’s faulty. If anything I like to hear the writer’s take on it, their intentions. Yes, it’s not the focus of the story but I make those queries to satisfy my own curiosity.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Be honest, did you already arrive at that conclusion yourself? You must have. It's the only logical conclusion, else the logic of the entire story doesn't hold up.

Yes I did but again I wanted to hear your take on it. What you were considering when writing it Also, It makes me wonder, since George has no control of which direction it’s going to take him, forward or backwards, what would happen if he went too far into the future? You don’t have to answer this one though

Quoted from DustinBowcot I don't think they are beside the point. They're considerations for the reader/viewer who can fill in the gaps for themselves. If they can't, then they have to be that annoying friend that asks.

Yup and I’m playing the annoying-question-asking-friend with aplomb here! Anyway, I’m glad you got something to think about from my comments.

Col.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Exactly...but...only when required, only when it adds and moves forward. Here we get the impression beyond someone who is just old. She's walking into the dark, stick in hand...hence...she's a tough old bird. Doesn't need anymore. I don't want to hijack this thread, but I read somewhere at script shadow about how readers were getting fed up of the over the top character descriptions, which is a kind of parallel for this type of aside, which is then not seen out in how they act. A useful reminder that we must be relevant and consistent. Back to script in a second but just wanted to agree with this.

So long as it adds something then it is more than just an aside. I completely agree on them not being done properly and equally with the thing on OTT descriptions that later don't relate to the character at all.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Now to script. I think everyone should be forced to write a rom com, and comedy. They present different challenges that often rise and fall on the emotions we feel. The ultimate challenge to a writer to convey.

Completely agree.

Quoted Text This is sound and being contained has a decent chance of being filmed, but a tad like the Col - above - I feel this could be fleshed out without going on too long. It's a choice thing.

Yeah. It is.

Quoted Text First off, he left her, in a self adventure. She's been left to age, alone it seems, he's young and fit. She's not. How would you feel about seeing your ex as a granny??

I don't feel that my feelings on this count for anything. This isn't autobiographical. When I write characters I don't base them upon myself. If I saw my ex as a granny it wouldn't bother me at all, aside from wondering what I ever saw in her.

Quoted Text So my thoughts; 1) she's a tad angry - remember she's a tough old bird. Why she's going to get mushy straight up. Go on have her hit him with the stick.

Ew, no.

Quoted Text 2) tells him to fuck off on his sofa

No. I hate that idea. There isn't a sofa.

Quoted Text Ps I quite like the idea he has seen her many time, but never got close enough, the sofa never landed in the right place.

Hate that idea too.

Quoted Text She recalls being waved to a few times, say in the park, supermarket etc - so he's the weirdo. But it gives weight to his desire to see her again.

No way.

Quoted Text 3) he sits down doesn't leave. He laments his travels, loneliness

He doesn't have time.

Quoted Text 4) this strikes a nerve with her - she's been lonely. If only they had found a way to stay together. Both agree.

They haven't split up for a trial period. He's been lost in time. I'm not sure how they could possibly have found a way to stay together.

Quoted Text 5) she opens up - age stinks, don't blame him for this, just wish she could have come along

She doesn't blame him.

Quoted Text 6) he ages before her eyes - they are now less different, both physically and mentally

This already happens in the script.

Quoted Text 7) then as you have written - although I would make a stronger reference to the day they met in xyz year, so that when she re dial see definitely know she's off to see him.

I disagree. Where else is she going to be going, given the context?

Quoted Text A way to be together after all.

There is already a way that they can stay together forever. They simply have to meet up and travel together from then onwards. The option is already there and I'd rather leave possible scenarios to play out in the viewer's head than sign post everything.

Quoted Text What I find with time travel scripts is that underlying this is a usual thread of cheating life. Because you nicely bring in the acceleration process, this ties in well to this type of theme. If you try to escape, like a drug, there is a price to pay. But, for her...what price...she's paid the price. Nice reversal of theme. Best of luck with this.

Thanks, mate.

Quoted Text Re the format - we all know you like the way you do things. I appreciate the desire to do as you feel works, but on occasions it may be worth remembering the format. Re the flashback I get what you wanted to do, get, but it was then 'unclear' to me whether this was an aside of character or a visual scene. A slower read may show this more clearly, but then we all have to write for readers in a rush. All the best.

I don't write for readers in a rush. Everything that needs to be there is within this story already. If people don't get it, then just ask a friend... because they probably will. I honestly don't care about the clarity on whether it is an aside or a flashback. I'm pretty positive that it is obvious what it is. I'll be straight too in that I believe the confusion from very few writers is because they simply don't like the way it is formatted, so feign confusion believing they are speaking for other readers. Although doing it for my best interests, and I do appreciate it, I don't feel that it is confusing at all.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts. Even if I don't agree now, it doesn't mean that I won't in the future. Plenty to think on and I'll more carefully consider what you've said over the next few days, or weeks, even.

Much appreciated, mate.

Quoted from DS Reminds me of Safety Not Guaranteed. Nice script, interesting to see you do romance. Nothing really to say that hasn't already been said, maybe just that the visual of eyes rotting and bones crumbling feels kind of out of place in an otherwise gentle romantic tale. The logline still looks wank to me, though. "discovers an old flame in her shed" sounds both weird and vague.

I've never seen that. I'll have to check it out one day as it gets a 7 on IMDb. I usually like films that score a 7. Unless they're those artificially inflated Oscar-winners. I try to avoid those.

You can't have romance without rotting flesh and bones turning to dust. What sort of romance would that be? Aside from one without rotting flesh and powdered bone?

The logline I made up on the spot when it came time to upload, like I always do. Some people like to write loglines, I like to write stories. It's meant to sound a little weird. I'm sure discovering an old flame in your shed is not the usual place to discover them. Vague, because it's only a short and I don't want to give too much away. I like to be deliberately vague. Stops people knowing exactly what's going to happen. So it's a surprise.

Thanks for the read and your thoughts on my lack of logline writing ability.

Come to think of it, when was the last time we had a story from you? Be nice to see something new.

Much appreciated, mate.

Quoted from rendevous Minor quibble, but I don't think you need the parenthetical there. As nine out of ten would suss it anyway.

I thought that too, quite a few times but ended up leaving it in. I liken it to needing a piss but not being arsed to walk all the way to the toilet, so sitting and suffering instead.

Quoted Text This reminded me of Mike Leigh. Which in my book is very good indeed. I think it's rather good. Doddle to film, with the right fx. Good luck with that. Mind you, you could just change the actor and keep the original's voice.

Thank you.

Quoted Text Smelling the jacket brought back Brokeback Mountain and American Beauty, it would be a very nice scene indeed.

I'm probably missing out, but I've never seen either of those. I wouldn't be able to watch two guys getting it on. Not that there's anything wrong with that for anyone else. It's just not something I could watch. And, I don't really do romance anyway (just ask my gf), so I especially wouldn't want to watch two blokes going at it. I'd snigger like the small-minded juvenile I am.

Quoted Text It's a good end too. You're getting rather good at this, Dustin. Well done. Keep it up, fella. R

Thank you very much.

Safety Not Gauranteed is a good indie flick, funny a little different with a sweet and poignant ending, very much like this script!

Director went straight from this to Jurassic World... talk about upgrade!

-- A way for them to be together after all.

Holy shit.

At first I thought, damn, that's a major hole in the logic. All they had to do is jump onto the machine and travel.

There are two ways out of it, the way I see it... I can make the machine only able to transport one person at a time, which would be clunky.

Or, I can go for the happy ending. She figures it out, collects the dust into a pile and takes it into the machine, travels and the dust transforms back into George. Surely if the video effect capability is there for one way it will be for the other. Maybe a fancy edit can help some way too.

There's also going to need to be some obstacle stopping George from moving. At the moment all I can think of is that perhaps he has ended up under the machine after failing to strap himself in properly or something. I'll think about it. This is going to take a rewrite though.

Cheers, Bill.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Dustin I believe a wryly has its place here because the dialogue could be misleading otherwise. Yes, she has aged 60 years in the interim so obviously she’s doesn’t look the same but it’s that true love thing where in George’s mind she hasn't changed. He can see the real Marjorie, the woman he fell in love with all those years ago, in there despite the physical differences This is a rare moment of levity in the script so it could be easily misconstrued as an earnest remark without that wrylie. I know some frown upon overly explicit ones, actors in particular but they do no harm either in conveying what you want to get across. The same goes for body language which has the added plus of being a more visual method of writing which is what we’re always striving for. Again, what the actor decides to take from that or not is up to them.

You could be right here... however, I've removed it as I would like to see the interpretation from the actor. However they play this would be fine. It might actually be better if they are sincere. Something to ponder. Cheers.

Quoted Text That’s all true but we’re human after all, plagued by doubts, uncertainties and what ifs. I just made the suggestion as it might had some dimension  to the scene so it’s not all the same “I’ve missed you so much and loved you for so long” sentiments. Still, I get that unwavering devotion is the central theme here.

True love overrides self doubt. I think if one person stops believing in it then it isn't true. I don't feel that there is room for doubt.

Quoted Text It wasn’t obvious for me because you mentioned “Embedded into one arm of the kings wing chair is a Bakelite dial phone, without the handset.” so I figured that this missing handset is what George used to time travel. This is why I referred to it later on in my notes. You see, I’m not well up on the anatomy of 60s household furniture

It's meant to mean that the handset part of the phone is unnecessary to the time machine's function, so simply isn't there. I don't also mention George holding a handset or anything and at the end, Marjorie had to tap the receiver button to get it to work.

Quoted Text I think you greatly overestimate my IQ, sir. Yes, I presumed George made the time machine but that doesn’t stop me asking question about the nature of its existence, how it was made and why it’s faulty. If anything I like to hear the writer’s take on it, their intentions. Yes, it’s not the focus of the story but I make those queries to satisfy my own curiosity.

Self-deprecation is also a sign of intelligence. In regard to time travel stories we have to be careful not to try and explain too much. Because the logic of time travel generally doesn't hold up. At least, not to me. I once tried writing a novelette and failed but not before I'd written 20k words or so. I vowed never to attempt a time travel story again. I changed my mind because I realised that time travel stories only real fail if you try to explain it all.

Quoted Text Yes I did but again I wanted to hear your take on it. What you were considering when writing it Also, It makes me wonder, since George has no control of which direction it’s going to take him, forward or backwards, what would happen if he went too far into the future? You don’t have to answer this one though

Thanks, because I wouldn't have any idea how to answer it.

Quoted Text Yup and I’m playing the annoying-question-asking-friend with aplomb here! Anyway, I’m glad you got something to think about from my comments.

I certainly did get something out of it. I think you and Bill together have forced me to analyse and, in so doing, I discovered a logical weakness so great that the whole story didn't stand up. I have now rectified that weakness, so thank you to both of you.

The rewrite is up, although I will need to proofread it and clean it up, maybe change this or that, the story is now definitely ready to go without any plot holes.

Thank you... and I'm sorry for being a bit of a dick. You were right to question and you've been a great help.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I've never seen that. I'll have to check it out one day as it gets a 7 on IMDb. I usually like films that score a 7. Unless they're those artificially inflated Oscar-winners. I try to avoid those. You can't have romance without rotting flesh and bones turning to dust. What sort of romance would that be? Aside from one without rotting flesh and powdered bone? The logline I made up on the spot when it came time to upload, like I always do. Some people like to write loglines, I like to write stories. It's meant to sound a little weird. I'm sure discovering an old flame in your shed is not the usual place to discover them. Vague, because it's only a short and I don't want to give too much away. I like to be deliberately vague. Stops people knowing exactly what's going to happen. So it's a surprise. Thanks for the read and your thoughts on my lack of logline writing ability. Come to think of it, when was the last time we had a story from you? Be nice to see something new.

I really like the thought: "Some people like to write loglines, I like to write stories". Makes for a fine quote. I didn't so much think that the vagueness didn't work, rather that the wording didn't. It's supposed to be quirky, but with the bluntness and simplicity, the intended quirkiness didn't come through for me, rather it just looked thrown together in a rush. I suppose my point was that adding a few words to make it clear that it is indeed a coherent sentence and the weird is there for a reason would give a far better first impression.

Although, considering you're probably not that interested in the logline, this doesn't matter much. My post was thrown together in a rush, and kind of the same situation with this one here. Sorry I can't help out with more.

As to when you'll see something up from me, I'm hoping soon. I haven't managed to write anything down for a while, but I'll try and crank out a short by the end of this week or the next just to get back into it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Because the logic of time travel generally doesn't hold up. At least, not to me. I changed my mind because I realised that time travel stories only real fail if you try to explain it all.

Yeah this is something we can definitely agree on. Paradoxes are inherent to time travelling, no getting around them.

I've cited it before (probably more than once) but I love the line from Jeff Daniel's Abe character in the "Looper" when talking about the concept:

"This time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg"

Which basically iterates what you said. If you look hard enough you will find discrepancies/inconsistencies/plot holes so yeah, its best to not get too explanatory as you're only making a rod for your own back.

Dustin,

Nice little script. Even after reading the logline I was expecting all sorts of crazy shit was gonna happen. I thought that the old flame might have been a corpse she'd murdered many years back. Then I thought flame and figured she had burned him and he was nothing but a pile of ash. Then I saw the chair and I immediately thought of the Coen's Burn After Reading, and thought the chair might so crazy contraption with a sick looking dildo attached to it. I know, I know. Over active imagination. I guess that's what happens when one collaborates with Johnny Robbins! Anyway...

It was a nice little script, if not a tad contrived. And I only say that because the whole time machine thing, much like Zombies, seems to be getting a little old. But you're writing was good, and this was a fresh take on it,
as well as a bit of a departure on your regular subject matter.

I didn't feel especially close to the old woman. Other than having a cane and being a tough old gal, I missed a connection with her -- as well as the man. Perhaps a bit more exposition on them would do it, or another line or so of dialogue. Even if you expand it another half page maybe. I know it's only four pages, and what did I expect? But that's it really.

Good story, low budget, good ending.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dustin, Nice little script. Even after reading the logline I was expecting all sorts of crazy shit was gonna happen. I thought that the old flame might have been a corpse she'd murdered many years back. Then I thought flame and figured she had burned him and he was nothing but a pile of ash. Then I saw the chair and I immediately thought of the Coen's Burn After Reading, and thought the chair might so crazy contraption with a sick looking dildo attached to it. I know, I know. Over active imagination. I guess that's what happens when one collaborates with Johnny Robbins! Anyway... It was a nice little script, if not a tad contrived. And I only say that because the whole time machine thing, much like Zombies, seems to be getting a little old. But you're writing was good, and this was a fresh take on it, as well as a bit of a departure on your regular subject matter. I didn't feel especially close to the old woman. Other than having a cane and being a tough old gal, I missed a connection with her -- as well as the man. Perhaps a bit more exposition on them would do it, or another line or so of dialogue. Even if you expand it another half page maybe. I know it's only four pages, and what did I expect? But that's it really. Good story, low budget, good ending. Steve

I cut a lot out from the start, I had her waking up etc, then cut it all as fluff. For me the story started in the shed, so the walk through the garden turned into the intro. I connected with the character because I based her on my nan. I hate exposition... especially in a short... but I'll certainly think about it without instantly dismissing it like I am wont to do before then realising that I was wrong.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts. Cheers.

Hey Dustin,

This was good. I'm a sucker for time travel stories but they usually crumble under their own logic (or lack thereof). This one, being vague in terms of logic, is imo. what makes it works because it doesn't feel like a time travel story, it feels like what it is, a love story.

Some good lines in there, I especially like the one where she sweeps up George. Nice visuals.

Only one thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way - and it's small potatoes - at first you descibe Marj as "hobbling with the aid of a stick", which does make her sound weak and frail, when she's actually anything but.

Anyhoo, a good read.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper Hey Dustin, This was good. I'm a sucker for time travel stories but they usually crumble under their own logic (or lack thereof). This one, being vague in terms of logic, is imo. what makes it works because it doesn't feel like a time travel story, it feels like what it is, a love story. Some good lines in there, I especially like the one where she sweeps up George. Nice visuals. Only one thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way - and it's small potatoes - at first you descibe Marj as "hobbling with the aid of a stick", which does make her sound weak and frail, when she's actually anything but. Anyhoo, a good read. Cheers Rob

Thanks for the read and the point on Marj not being old and frail all the way through. I want her spirit to be there, but her body weak. Despite the weak body she'd still take you on in a fist fight if she had to. So I may have gone too far physically. I'll look through and see what I can do about that.

Cheers, mate.

Hey Dustin,

This was pretty cool. I think you're writing's really good too. I don't really have anything to comment on, you're definitely a better writer than I am, but I will say that I found the ending a little confusing. I don't know, maybe I just didn't get it.

Hi Jose, thanks for the read and reply.

As a consequence of time travel, our cells are poisoned to the degree where we age incredibly fast once arriving at a destination. Jumping back into the time vortex reverses the ageing process back to the age we were when first jumping. So once somebody has jumped they must stay within the time vortex or risk dying.

I haven't done the greatest of jobs in getting this information on the page. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll put some more work in.

This one has found a real home this time I think/hope. Working with the same guys that made Evicted, apparently they're going to start making moves with this next week.

I think it's all been said but I just wanted to throw my two cents in . . . Beautiful. Really enjoyed it. Thank you.

Great news! Looking forward to seeing it.

Elected not to read through the 3 pages of comments, so if anything is repeated and has been addressed already I apologise, but here are my thoughts

I liked the sentiment of this even though romantic shorts really aren’t my thing.

I did think there were a couple of issues though.

“She sinks into his embrace... sails away to a time
gone by, a time when they were both young, dancing,
carefree. He smells her hair and closes his eyes tight.”

Is this a flashback, a new scene, is it taking place in the scene already set? Although I see what is happening, I feel it could be more clearly written.

I feel the same way about the following quoted text.

"As their lips meet, they are transported in their minds to a
ballroom, both in their twenties, dressed to the nines,
kissing while they twirl to music."

“in their minds” So can we see this, and how do we see it?

How would you film this or how would we know that it’s the first time she has cried, we have known Marj for 3 minutes.

“Placing the jacket on, she looks at the pile of dust that
was once George and cries for the first time in 60 years.”

Still a good read and well written.

I look forward to seeing the end result if/when it gets made.

Thanks for the comments and well wishes. Any new comments have been dealt with in the previous three pages, so if you really need the answers, you know where to look. This however is something that hasn't been addressed yet.

"How would you film this?"

I wouldn't. That's up to the director and DP. I just write the words, it's up to others to translate those words into film.

Obviously taken to literally.

Of course you wouldn't film it, you and I both know that. Maybe I should have said anyone would struggle to film it because it is an unfilmable.

Quoted from Warren Obviously taken to literally. Of course you wouldn't film it, you and I both know that. Maybe I should have said anyone would struggle to film it because it is an unfilmable.

I have made a film... albeit a not very good one, I still got a team together and made a ten minute film.

Not everything in a script needs to be filmable. It's not just our job to write a blueprint for a film, we must also make it read well. Bending the rules and using the odd unfilmable or aside is perfectly acceptable in well written scripts.

I hear you, I like the odd unfilmable or aside. It's something that I get picked up for in my scripts.

Being relatively new at this, I just mention what I see in relation to the little that I know and what I get called out for.

I expect I'll never get told off by you for the same thing

Good luck with it. I'm sure it will make a great piece.

Quoted from Warren I hear you, I like the odd unfilmable or aside. It's something that I get picked up for in my scripts. Being relatively new at this, I just mention what I see in relation to the little that I know and what I get called out for. I expect I'll never get told off by you for the same thing Good luck with it. I'm sure it will make a great piece.

It's only really for writers just starting out. I was told the same thing then stripped all personality from my work. After a while, I started putting it back in, but in the right way. I just see it as another writer's tool that we should use sparingly, like modifying verbs. Too much comes across as forced and amateurish.

You're a good writer so shouldn't have any problems.

Thanks again, and good luck with your own projects.

Cheers. Thanks for that, Dustin.