Haptic by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror  - A loving wife regrets getting her husband a smart watch for their anniversary, he regrets checking out it's haptic feedback in the middle of the night.  5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This works in its own, slight way, with a totally random shock and Megan's final line as a funny payoff.  Well-suited for the present-day YouTube culture.

But I do not get the tapping at all.  Is that a sound?  How is the viewer supposed to understand what is happening with this sensory form of feedback -- and why is Megan so bothered by it?

I suspect this is more me not getting it than a problem with the script itself.  I think this script would benefit from a few extra words of description clarifying your intent -- and how you mean for a director to convey -- this tapping that is so integral to your story.

Unclear for me what's what.

Megan says take it off or you'll get your own internal haptic. So I was thinking Megan brought in the Night Hag, or IS the Night Hag, but neither is the case.

And if this Night Hag is the Night Hag of folklore, she's supposed to cause sleep paralysis by holding Geoff down and not allowing him to speak. But this is not the case, either, because he screams.

All of which is to say, the story doesn't quite fly.

Henry

P.s.

in descriptions: attractive, but exasperated; cocky, but dull. Don't think you need the "but." Also, him being cocky (or dull) doesn't show up anywhere that I can see.

So is Megan the old hag? Is Geoff delusional or something? I'm confused.

I think "You'll experience haptic in a whole new way... internally." meant that she would shove the watch up his backside if he didn't cut it out.

I didn't really get the ending either.  Geoff shuffles out of bed, then shuffles back into bed WITHOUT the watch.  He has a moment where he looks down at his bare wrist, and the TAPTAPTAP sound is still happening, and then NIGHT HAG appears.

I was confused as well, unless the TAPTAPTAP is coming from inside of him and he was having a nightmare.

Thanks, Max. The internal joke sailed right past me.

Okay, I read the ending again.

I think he's having a nightmare about the watch being lodged inside of himself (based on the joke Megan cracked, and the TAPTAPTAPing without the watch on his wrist), and the NIGHT HAG is an evil, nightmarish representation of Megan.

That's all I got.

Anthony

Perhaps there's an app that displays comments on an iWatch?

Setups and payoffs.  This one doesn't have a setup for the hag.  I was flummoxed by her arrival at the end, since I didn't see where Megan could possibly turn into a hag.  Without some intimation that perhaps this room has been haunted in the past, that newlywed wives have awakened next to deceased husbands, without that stuff, I can't see where the hag comes from.  Stewie seems a throwaway since we aren't privy to the joke or why he's mentioned.  

I liked how this one began.  She wants a romantic evening; he's enthralled with his watch.  It could go places, like they could wake up next morning and find a photo of the hag on the iphone...taken by tapping the watch.  In any case, it seems a bit incomplete at this point.

Best
Richard

Code MEGAN, 20s, attractive, but exasperated, lies on her side and waits for her husband to finish.

From this line I actually assumed they were having sex. Shame this isn't a comedy as it would work to have him grunting, she looking bored, maybe his leg jerks against hers, rocking her slightly, and then pull out to reveal he fiddling with his watch.

Anyway, it's not a comedy, it's a horror, so that wouldn't work as well. But I still think this needs clarifying a little as it reads to me like they are having sex. She being exasperated about it makes it comical.

Yeah, well I get it... but I'm not sure about the Night Hag thing. It's not a tale I had ever heard before and I'm not overly fond of urban legends to begin with. Just like with most urban legends, I feel somewhat cheated by the abrupt and wholly convenient end. It's a good concept that needs to lose the tacked on Night Hag... where it can go will take some thought... but it needs it if you want this story to stand out. You have an original hook, shame to ruin it with an old trope.

Give this one some more thought, it deserves it.

I thought it leaned more towards comedy as well Dustin, at least it felt like that during the read.

I still don't understand what the ending was about.  I think my interpretation might be totally off.

Just add a tiny audio BUZZ to it. It feels a little like a electrical zap. A very tiny one. It might help explain it.

In regards to the old hag, I don't believe everything in a script needs to be explained. Sometimes, leaving the audience with a WTF, is the right way. Make them think. Make them wonder if they got it. IMHO.  

Thanksto all for your comments and throughts... a few answers...

Megan is definitely not the hag.
Yes she does threaten to shove the watch up hi arse.
I wanted to set up the taptap (a tiny buzz would signify it great) so that the last taptap is something else, the hag doing it.

I'm not happy with lack of set up for the hag, toyed with the idea of haunted hotel but worried that in itself might be awkward.

One to work on, thanks all

Andrew

Sorry, I didn't get a whole lot from this.

I was enjoying Geoff’s preoccupation (and in turn, Megan’s frustration) with the iWatch. I seems like I’ve watched/read a lot of stuff about that particular gadget recently and it’s all pretty much negative.
Anyway, the ending had me baffled which I’m guessing was your goal, it’s meant to shock us but I don’t see any meaning to it other than garnering a visceral reaction...not that there necessarily has to be a meaning but right now it just feels random and pointless.

Is Night Hag meant to be a spectre, representing addiction to technological devices? The demanding master/mistress who craves constant attention or in this case, tapping? If so, they really need to work on first impressions as it would be more alluring to have a sexy woman beckoning one back to their [insert technological advice here] instead. It looks as though they’re taking the scare route over seduction here.
Of course, I could be way off on all counts. I’m curious to know your intentions though.

Col.

Hi Col - thanks for the read, appreciated as always.

I've just uploaded a slightly tweaked version with a little more intro and a hinted at explanation as to the Night Hag's presence... but don't want to go too far as it's just intended as a little short with a specific visual punchline.

Personally I love my Apple Watch, but then again I don't wear it at night

Anthony