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Ouija by Anthony Cawood - Short, Comedy - A group of friends get more than they bargained for when the hook a Ouija board up to a 3D printer and encounter a presence from the other side. 8 pages - pdf, format
3D printing has been at the back of my mind for a while now. Never had any actual inspiration for a story yet though.
I like that it's 8 pages. The tiny typo in the logline is easy to get past.
Man, are you going to start every action block of every script with an orphan, like a protest? I noticed it in your last script about Father Time but didn't mention it. To see it again here makes it remarkable.
Code
KURT, late 20s, wraith thin, skinny jeans and fitted T,
tinkers with some wires sticking out of an upturned wooden
board.
It's not a big deal. It just would be to me. The thing with this one is that it would be very easy to get rid of. Simply change late 20s to a specific age like 28.
Code
KURT, 28, wraith thin, skinny jeans and fitted T, tinkers
with some wires sticking out of an upturned wooden board.
It makes for a neater looking script, especially for your first page.
I would like to know the scale of this cabin being built, if you could incorporate that into the story somehow it would aid in clarification.
Code
Thunder rumbles in the night.
I don't think you need 'in the night'. Should really go without saying.
That was good. Very funny, unexpected ending. The build up is horror, but the end is definitely comedy, which actually serves to make it even funnier. At least, for me. It's also an original way to handle the whole ouija board thing... so top marks from me on this one.
First thing I'm thinking as reading through is why, on the first page, is Dean constantly OS? He joins them at the table but is still OS, whilst everyone else is in the shot? Maybe I'm missing something..
This was nice. I definitely see this one as a comedy with horror elements. Nicely written, easy to read and the ending was funny. Good job.
Dustin - orphans, I just don't worry about them... The professional reads I've had have never mentioned them, so I've not fixed em... I kinda like the idea of doing it on purpose though, a calling card maybe
Scale of the cabin, meant to be relatively small, will look to incorporate something.
In the night, true not needed, but a little more poetic, all will be reviewed in next draft so may come out.
Glenn, yep 3D printers have sparked a few ideas in my mind, of which a couple have coalesced into scripts so far... i think there's loads more possibilities still with this and other elements of new technology... I've started to refer to my stories that utilise current tech, or imminent tech in a slightly quirky way as NearFi... like SciFi but nearer
The second couple of Dean (O.S.) are an error on my part due to editing and submitting on my iPad... will fix in next iteration - thanks for spotting.
I have an orphan thing, too. I labor to rewrite whenever I see one in my own scripts. Probably due to my old newspaper jobs, where we especially didn't want one at the top of a column. We called them "widows."
However, I didn't notice your orphans, probably because I was enjoying the story. You hooked me in, then made me laugh. Props!
This one has all the elements needed but it just doesn't ring true. Why these four? Why this cabin? Why this time? I would be happier if there was a better setup. The cabin has always housed voices. The pink ouija board was used once, and she can't remember exactly what happened, but she thinks it was bad.
Even better, it's storming and they're locked in, and they're bored to tears. But he has a 3D printer, and they find the old pink board, and viola, they think it's a good idea.
And then when the printer starts, where are the recriminations? I would think there would be plenty of skepticism at this point. Each accusing the other of sabotage. And even when they pull the plug, it continues to print...damn. Now, you have some scary stuff. Although, someone is still going to scoff.
In any case, it's good stuff. A very fine modern idea. Keep it up.
Thanks Henry/Richard - appreciate the read and glad you liked...
Richard - The 'why' questions you pose... I don't like too much setup and/or explaining too much if I can avoid it, so here I'm coming in to the scene/script intentionally late.
I do like the idea of pulling the plug though, that'll work and be in the next version - many thanks.
First off: where is the mention of the printer before it actually starts printing? I read through the first four pages about three times trying to find where the printer has been placed within the group but it's nowhere to be found. You mention wires coming from the board and connecting to some chair, but no mention of a printer or where it's located. The only time we see the printer is when it starts printing. Sorry, that ended up being a bigger peeve than I thought it would but since it's crucial to the story, I feel it should be mentioned somewhere before it starts to print. Even when they say they're ready to test it, we still aren't shown the printer.
As for the rest of the script, I didn't find it incredibly funny until the end because it ended up pretty goofy and I liked it, but otherwise it was just casual conversation. RichardR said it pretty well that you should probably give more background as to why the kids are in the cabin. I liked his idea of someone finding the ouija board, and then someone gets a crazy, drunken idea to attach wires from the board to a 3D printer they conveniently have! Now there's an even more intriguing reason as to why we're seeing what we're seeing.
I like the idea. I like the characters. Flesh out the story some more, and maybe try and throw in some more jokes and gags to emphasize on the 'comedy' portion of the script. My humor tends to be different with a lot of other people, so maybe it just went over my head for the most part, and I can't write comedy to save my life (it's pretty hard to do so in the first place anyway). Quite honestly, I thought that the printer was going to end up printing a 3D dick, but that's just where my head was at
Echoing others here to say I think you’ve got an interesting premise -- could it be better explored as a horror? Perhaps, but as you say, not your thing.
Amusing payoff; though the dialogue of the set-up felt a bit throwaway -- light banter to bring us to the actual printer gag. Think you could inject more humour into the first half.
Richard makes a good point about pulling the plug.
To be honest, I was half expecting a 3D dick to appear as well…
...just shows what I’d do with the idea.
Steve
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