I just want to clear up the comedy thing. The initial idea came to me as a comedy. Here's what is written on my idea card: Guy answers gay carer ad without realising what gay means.

I'm the type of writer that just writes, so I started with that simple premise and did so with comedy in mind. As I got into the story and realised where it needed to go, I wasn't sure that I wanted to write it and tied the thing up with a horror plot. I then wrote over it again to further cement that plot.

I was not exactly surprised to see LC pick up on it. I like to put a little comedy into all of my scripts. I even found the rape at the end quite funny. When Julian says, "We're going to do the gay." I chuckle. The throat cutting is a bit ew though. Might be an idea to cut that bit and go straight to Frederique's face as Julian does the business.

So there is comedy in there and also horror. It is more of a horror though, as what happens later kinda overrides the funny.

Hey dustin

Had a quick read. Nice flow at the beginning and good dialogue.

Reminded me of Tales of the Unexpected - that kind of vibe. Something a touch sinister lurking under the bonnet.

For my taste the basement is a little too full on. Personally I would tone that down.

The repeated advert caller is a nice finish .

Could see this filmed.

Quoted from RichardR Dustin, comments are never sexed.  The apply with equal vigor. I'm sure I get every detail.  By the end, I'm guessing Chico is not an immigrant at all.  That he has come to rob Julian, although I'm not certain about that.  I liked it better when he was an immigrant.

Yes, he is really a cockney scoundrel named Chico looking to score.

Quoted from Richard It would appear that Julian runs an ad, gets a good candidate, and then does his Dr. Death thing.  The problem is I don't see him putting Chico through his paces.  If I were going to kill a drifter, I'd make damn sure he was a drifter.  Julian makes no effort to ascertain if Chico is alone with no one to look for him.

Julian actually falls for the routine and didn't intend to kill him until he found out what he was really up to. Good to know you've put some planning into killing drifters though, if it ever comes up, I know who to speak to.

Quoted from Richard Chico turns out to be a thief which is fine with me.  I missed why he was so intent to get to the basement.  Julian says it's a mess except for the wine.  Can you give him a reason to go to the basement instead of trying to loot paintings off the wall?

Thief logic: The bigger the lock, the richer the valuables inside. If Julian really did have just the rubbish down there, why the need for such a large key, and for keeping the key secure about his neck? Seems you can think like a murderer but not a thief.

Quoted from Richard I don't see a need for the flashbacks.  If you put them in the linear narrative, they work fine, and you do need them so Chico can have the key.

I did consider that while writing, I'll have a rethink.

Quoted from Richard Last, Chico proves to be a woefully poor fighter given his size and the hinted at rough life he's led.  But I buy that Julian is skilled at this.

Well he'd gained the advantage during the initial scuffle only for him to suffer a gut wound that would sap the strength. If not for that, Julian would have lost. It also showed the difference between the two and the advantage one has over another if they're prepared to go all the way in a fight.

Quoted from Richard Overall, it's a nice little story that is comical until it becomes serious.  Has some potential. Best Richard

Thanks mate, I enjoyed writing it, which is the main thing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts too.

Quoted from SAC Dustin, This was disturbing, yes, and well written. You set the scene up very well and it had a consistent tone throughout.

Thanks.

Quoted from Steve What bothered me is that everything came on so quickly here. I didn't see Fredericque as being the opportunist he was, and I didn't see Julian being a murderer.

That was actually my intention. I wanted the reveal to be a surprise, despite giving small clues along the way. The music, the OCD (yes, they're all potential psychos), the straight line abstracts, the classical music, etc, etc... very Hannibal Lecter.

Quoted from Steve But it just felt like something was missing to me as everything happened so quickly. I have a feeling it had something to do with your descriptions. They were excellent, and have us a sense of place and in doing so a sense of who Julian was. But I think his character needed to be fleshed out a touch more through dialogue and his back and forth with Frederique. Didn't feel there was enough of that.

It's that 10 page rule I have with shorts that is to blame. I feel the character is fleshed out, it just takes reading carefully to pick up every nuance. I prefer to strip shorts to only what is necessary. I feel his character is there.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts, I'll think about them.

Quoted from LC I should have phrased my point better. I didn't mean that I didn't understand it - I meant I should tell you that this is the point where you lost me with the direction the story was going and I started skimming, and yep, the horror did feel tacked on to me at this point, like you ran out of steam with the comedy. I wasn't picking up on any racism btw, more a method or MO from the character. I see your point now, however.

It wasn't that I ran out of steam, it was that I didn't want to go there. I wanted to write a short, but it transpired that it would be a lot longer than 10 pages so rather than kill the idea, I switched the plot up.

Quoted from LC I think you underestimate yourself. The comedy up to that point is gold. Perhaps come back to it after the 7WC. Hopefully it will. I look forward to reading a revamp if you do.

It just plays out overly long in my head for a short. So long I might as well write a feature. One of those cutsie ones, tugging at the old heart strings. I already have an idea for another one of those though too, which I'm dying to write.

Quoted from LC Comedy is subjective.

It is. You picked up on it better than I did. My bad, my apologies.

Quoted from Forgive ooookay. This was an odd one. Not to sure about the opening line, but that's a matter of choice.

Finger got caught on the o there? What is at about the opening line that you are unsure about?

Quoted from Si I think Juian's description needs a comma for clarification: JULIAN (62), black dyed hair framing a botox-filled face JULIAN (62), black dyed hair, framing a botox-filled face

I believe I am correct.

Quoted from Si We're back to your preferred choice in action-like parenthetical.

Did we ever leave?

Quoted from Si Julian smiles and walks into the kitchen. --unless the kitchen is visible, exits the room is better, as the kitchen is a separate location.

I'm aware the kitchen is a separate location. It is a separate location that will be in a very specific place. A specific place that has a name. That being: kitchen.

Quoted Text Left alone, Frederique stares at the abstract artwork, Frederique stares at the abstract artwork, --is as good as we know he has been left alone.

Yeah, I agree it would.

Quoted from Si noting the straight line theme, --how is this shown visually?

The camera will go to his POV and note the straight line theme. As the paintings will be of straight lines, I imagine the first thing the viewer will think is, oh, they all have straight lines. Quite frankly, if a director is so moronic as to need to ask that question and lacks the vision necessary to realise what is in the action then I'd prefer them to keep as far away from me as possible.

Quoted from Si Frederique notices that the artwork is signed by Julian. --an insert would do here, else, where is the visual.

The visual is quite clear. I don't need to format it as an insert as it is already written visually in the action.

Quoted from Si Frederique jumps, feigning shock --I wasn't to sure about this as it implies an extention to his original action: Frederique jumps, then feigns shock or feigning shock, Frederique jumps and pulls his hand away from the painting. --as per my suggestions, except this is not put into a visual action.

No idea what you're talking about.

Quoted from Si He turns to see Julian standing in the kitchen doorway clutching a laden, silver tea tray. --does laden need a comma after it?

Is laden an adjective?

Quoted from Si Frederique indicates that he’d prefer it black and takes a cup, sipping it hot. --how?

It's fairly easy to act but clunky to write, so I leave it up to the actor. They are capable of independent thought. Some of them are actually very intelligent people.

Quoted from Si FREDERIQUE You mean, you want friend and male lover. (?)

No, it's not actually a question.

Quoted from Si Frederique sits, devastated, --again? Because-- p.3 Frederique takes a seat -- so maybe he takes a different seat this time. Musical chairs or something. To brighten things up.

It doesn't say that he takes a fresh seat. The beauty of the English language is such that it can be  used in different ways, as you know full well. As most would reading that. Your deliberate misinterpretation is clearly a set up for your following cringe-worthy attempt at wit. It's like the comedy equivalent of dad dancing.

Quoted from Si Julian leans forward and gives Frederique a friendly tap on the leg, notices Frederique slightly flinch then control it. Julian leans forward and gives Frederique a friendly tap on the leg. Frederique flinches then controls it.

Prefer mine... but thanks.

Quoted from Si Julian walks to a cellar door removes a key from around his neck Julian walks to a cellar door, removes a key from around his neck

Well done, you got one right.

Quoted from Si Julian whistles Camille Saint-Saëns’ Danse Macabre as he makes his way back up the stairs. --I like the reference, but his again is a different location, so the tune would be (O.S.)

I honestly think the director could figure that one out, depending on the location.

Quoted from Si Frederique takes a seat and puts on the innocent African migrant routine. --I have no idea what this means, but it sounds racist. I assume you're not referring to a dance track?

It's pretty obvious what it means. It's when a migrant to this country act as though they can't speak English very well and look all innocent while they fleece you. I don't actually think it is racist, but I am aware that to white liberals and black militants it probably would be classed as racist to them. Everyone else would be cool.

Quoted from Si Frederique has a little chuckle to himself and admires the champagne like a connoisseur, --I'd be interested to know how this is done.

Me too. Up to the actor how he feels most comfortable portraying that. Maybe looks at the bottle, notes the year, the colour in the light... etc, etc. Up to him really. However he feels it best to convey that, I'll be happy with it... probably.

Quoted from Si p.7 you need to end the series of shots, else it's confusing.

Confusing for how long? A whole second perhaps? I prefer my readers to have a brain. I consciously left that off.

Quoted from Si Clutching a large butcher knife or: Clutching a large butcher's knife

Yes, both are correct. Your point (forgive the pun, Forgive)?

Quoted from Si Two tables full of dismembered body parts. Two tables, full of dismembered body parts.

It reads just fine without the comma.

Quoted from Si Clear bags filled with blood drained body parts Clear bags filled with blood-drained body parts

Yeah, well done. I get lazy with the old hyphens and I think to myself nobody is going to be pedantic enough to point them out anyway, so I can get away with it. It's lazy... good to know there are grammar Nazis like yourself on hand to point out every perceived flaw. Shame you don't really know what you're talking about, but at least you have a go... that's the main thing.

Quoted from Si EXT. JULIAN’S HOUSE - DAY A knock at the front door. Julian, clean, calm, in a silk dressing gown --implies Julian is outside & the 'caller' is OS - so is the caller inside?

You cut my sentence off. You really just stop mid sentence to think about an image? Here's the whole sentence:

Julian, clean, calm, in a silk dressing gown answers it, smiles.

Obviously it is from the outside looking in, so the camera would take the place of the caller who is OS.

Quoted from Si An attempt to shock, okay.

Is it.

Quoted from Si People do that.

Do they.

Quoted from Si But it is only a description of shocking things--

That is what screenwriting is all about, description that is... and, shocking in some respects, often not in a good way.

Quoted from Si you do not, in fact, take us that close to what shocks here because you have not immersed yourself in what is shocking here.

Can't say I'm following you, Simon.

Quoted from Si You have presented a piece, but cannot take us too close because your have not taken yourself that close either.

Well done for getting too right this time. I'm quite lost here, what are you suggesting? It seems like you're saying I can't write about this because I'm not close enough to the events transpiring. Do you mean that I need to arse rape somebody and cut their throat before I can truly relate that event in a story?

Quoted from Si It's okay.

Are you sure?

Quoted from Si It should be disturbing, but I'll sleep fine tonight.

I believe you.

Thanks for the read and spotting that missing comma and hyphen. Much appreciated.

Hi Dustin,

Good job with this one. I agree that if you omitted the throat cutting, the rape scene could be sort of funny and the ending more appropriate for a horror comedy (if that's what you want the script to be).

The one thing I would change is the misunderstanding of the word "gay". Yes, it is funny and it could be funnier if Frederique demonstrated his “happiness” to Julian by laughing or something. It is hard to believe though that someone who speaks good English would ignore such a common and international word. Why not use some gay slang instead or some sort of innuendo?

(A few years ago, I wrote a little satire about a bank robber who tried to improve his Greek through a dictionary: If the witnesses thought he was Greek that would mislead the police. However, he learned a couple of words that were too difficult for native speakers, so everybody realized he was a foreigner. In my case though, the guy just used a couple of phrases he had memorized -  he wasn't able to carry a full conversation like Frederique .)

Nicely done though. With the right actors it could be great.

Manolis

Quoted from Athenian Hi Dustin, Good job with this one. I agree that if you omitted the throat cutting, the rape scene could be sort of funny and the ending more appropriate for a horror comedy (if that's what you want the script to be). The one thing I would change is the misunderstanding of the word "gay". Yes, it is funny and it could be funnier if Frederique demonstrated his “happiness” to Julian by laughing or something. It is hard to believe though that someone who speaks good English would ignore such a common and international word. Why not use some gay slang instead or some sort of innuendo? (A few years ago, I wrote a little satire about a bank robber who tried to improve his Greek through a dictionary: If the witnesses thought he was Greek that would mislead the police. However, he learned a couple of words that were too difficult for native speakers, so everybody realized he was a foreigner. In my case though, the guy just used a couple of phrases he had memorized -  he wasn't able to carry a full conversation like Frederique .) Nicely done though. With the right actors it could be great. Manolis

That's an interesting point. I cannot change the misunderstanding over the word gay as that is the idea that prompted me to write this in the first place. What type of funny situations could arise from this type of misunderstanding. I imagined the joke lasting longer... too long for me to want to commit to at this present time. I shouldn't have submitted this really as it isn't my best work. It's half a story with a rather crude tacked in ending. Something more like I'd submit to an OWC.

When I get some time, I'll come back to this and rework it the right way. Thanks for your thoughts, appreciated.

Dustin,

Missed this one when it was first posted.  Smooth read; natural sounding (and darkly comic) back and forth between Julian and Frederique -- the sudden switch to a cockney accent works well.  

A lot to like in the set-up -- there’s a balance between characters that helps maintain the suspense, with either one of them as likely to wind up the victim.  

The ending?  Could see it being too much for most folk.  Too full on for me personally, though it also depends on how it would be shown (or better yet ‘suggested’) on-screen.      

That said, it ticks the box on horror, and Frederique did say he’d ‘do the gay’ so…

Not entirely sure if Frederique/Chico was out to steal a specific item or was just an opportunist responding to Julian’s ad.  Maybe not important, perhaps a hint from Julian that he keeps the expensive stuff in the basement gives him more reason to go down there.  Maybe even throw in a hint somewhere that this is a regular occurrence with people trying to scam Julian all the time.

Nasty, but then you get what you ask for.  

Steve

Quoted from stevemiles Dustin, Missed this one when it was first posted.  Smooth read; natural sounding (and darkly comic) back and forth between Julian and Frederique -- the sudden switch to a cockney accent works well.   A lot to like in the set-up -- there’s a balance between characters that helps maintain the suspense, with either one of them as likely to wind up the victim.   The ending?  Could see it being too much for most folk.  Too full on for me personally, though it also depends on how it would be shown (or better yet ‘suggested’) on-screen.       That said, it ticks the box on horror, and Frederique did say he’d ‘do the gay’ so… Not entirely sure if Frederique/Chico was out to steal a specific item or was just an opportunist responding to Julian’s ad.  Maybe not important, perhaps a hint from Julian that he keeps the expensive stuff in the basement gives him more reason to go down there.  Maybe even throw in a hint somewhere that this is a regular occurrence with people trying to scam Julian all the time. Nasty, but then you get what you ask for.   Steve

Julian is a serial killer of gay men who places an ad in the paper to attract victims. Frederique is an opportunist thief that cons his way into people's homes so that he can steal whatever he can.

Oh, east is east, and west is west, and ne'er the twain shall meet.


Not sure if that Kipling quote even applies here... but I like it and find it interesting to consider what might happen with the two character types (portrayed in this story) meeting.

Yeah, the ending is a bit rough, but why should women be the ones that get it all the time? We're so used to seeing women being raped we barely bat an eyelid when a ghost ravishes one while she sleeps or a tree fingers one as she runs through the woods... naked. Boring. Put a male rape in and we think it's a bit much. Which is exactly what I wanted. I'd rather have a bit much than not enough and make it boring.

Thanks for the read mate, appreciated.