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RichardR
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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R,

Comments are rarely fine art.  Enjoy.

The opening sequence seems overlong.  You might try making it a bit shorter and have Gilby a bit smarter when it comes to Art.   He hasn't gone to all those galleries for nothing.  Can he spout an opinion or informed insight that they can bandy about?

the green motif works fine if over the top.  It's not my style, but I'm no art maven.

Then, we get to showtime.  With the tables mostly empty, why the sudden hush.  Did I miss something.  Everyone is gone anyway.

And the final walk through the corridors of no color and out the door to the waiting Gilby.  A swift ride home and the final revelation.  OK, I buy it.  

I think this would benefit from some conflict between Rosie and Fabien.  Some old scar, some new cut.  I'm not sure you need Jacob at all.  And if there was an old relationship between the artist and the four people called forward, I think that would be cool too.  Perhaps a revenge motive too?  Just a thought.

Best
Richard
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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This structure seems to have become something of a trademark for you, Renners.

The long build up to what seems like an underwhelming reveal, but then a reveal that starts to play on your mind and makes you think it wasn't underwhelming at all, but something subtle but quite clever.


I too found the conversation dragged a bit with the guy inside...it felt like you'd covered that ground with the cab driver.


I think you should show the White Corridors on screen. I think it would look cool, and would help to build the tension towards the end.

Pretty cool.
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rendevous
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandro
This isn't 6 pages, it's 15.


Interesting opening gambit. Call me old fashioned, or even Gary, whatever you prefer, but I find comfort in 'hello', or 'alright', or even 'wassup'.

The latter cannot be performed by people who are over twenty five. They are also not allowed to high five, or we'll make them wear those jeans that hang half way down the arse.

Anyways, don't know where the six page idea came from, perhaps some automatic blip, or Don was on the wine again.


Quoted from Sandro

Hello R.E.,

This is an excellently written script.


Ooh, hello. Late, but I feel better now. You could have been one of those drone thingies. Hmm, they probably do say hello. I didn't think that one through.

Indeed it is excellently written. Stunning, even though I say so myself. Outstanding, even. I'll stop that now.

Don't spoil it all by criticising it...


Quoted from Sandro
The first scene in the taxi is very entertaining, despite that it runs quite long.


Ooh, a chocolate biscuit and then when I put it in my mouth I get a swift kick in the balls. How can it be very entertaining and quite long? Surely it flew by, like an evening in my company does? As long as drink is taken.


Quoted from Sandro
I'd consider cutting the conversation between Rosie and Fabien down a bit.


Okay, I'm off to the shops to buy some cheese. No cheese you see. I have biscuits, but the lack of cheese is grinding. So I'll consider this as I amble there and back.

The cheese is in the cupboard now and the kettle is boiling. I've considered your idea and decided against.  Fabien's important to the plot, cutting it down harms this, as a lot of it relates to the plot. The bloke in the cheese shop said Fabien represents the decadent and difficult side of modern art. He should know, he's got a big thick book on it.

The old lady at the bus stop was less sure, but she said she'd agree with me as long as I left her alone from now on.


Quoted from Sandro
I found it to be quite uninteresting, especially as it follows the excellent dialogue between Rosie and Gilby. Much of what Fabien and Rosie say about the artist is also said in the prior scene anyway.


Oh dear. You know that bit in Jaws, the bit where the shark is chasing them, but then the yellow barrels disappear? Then they do it again, and again? You know that bit?

Then there's that bit in Terminator 2 when the T-1000 is chasing our protagonists, but doesn't catch them? Then he tries again later, and again? You know that bit? Why don't they just get to the bloody point? I've got cheese and biscuits waiting and me cup of tea's getting cold. Plot dragging barstards.

I'd say it is build up. The dialogue between Fabien and Rosie is important to the plot. What would you have me do at an art show with our protagonist while they await the enigmatic and elusive artist to appear? Play cards? Watch Terminator 2?

Actually they could play cards and then comment on the aesthetic qualities of the film. Fabien would probably deem it pathetic American trash of the highest order, then wax lyrical about Truffaut and Godard.

I think you just preferred it when Rosie was speaking to Gilby. You weren't fond of Fabien. Fair enough, far fewer will like him as much. That was the idea.


Quoted from Sandro

[SPOILERS AHEAD]


As I said to my lover, better late than never. It's not my fault I drank all that wine. Well, it is. Hmm, better leave that there.

Thanks for putting that in. I often glance at comments before I read a script. I really don't want to learn important plot points from them

The same when I read a decent film review. I want to know whether or not I might wanna see it. Not what is going to happen. Spoilers spoil things. I'm sure you wouldn't want your carefully plotted script blurted out in a review. No one does.


Quoted from Sandro
The ending didn't work at all for me. Why would such an esteemed artist degrade himself by pulling such a juvenile stunt?


Oh dear. Have you viewed any modern British art, or any modern art? Delancey's antics were mild. They have used body fluids to make 'statements' that really should only be seen by a qualified medical person, a lover, or an undertaker.

I thought my ending was inspired and beautiful and amusing. Like The Mona Lisa singing, or Michelangelo's David doing a moonwalk. But then I would do, wouldn't I?


Quoted from Sandro
Did he really just do it because of the P in his name?


HUGE SPOILERS , I MEAN BIGGER THAN A REALLY BIG THING SPOiLERS AHEAD.

CAREFUL, BIGGER THAN ONE OF THOSE BURGERS FROM THAT BURGER SHOP DOWN THE ROAD, SPOLIERS. OOH.

No. He didn't do it just cos he has a P initial. That's a beautiful co-incidence, like my cheekbones.


Quoted from Sandro
And how did he do it anyway? As for as I can tell, it isn't explained. If it's the alcohol, doesn't everyone nowadays know about green beer/drinks turning your urine green because of St. Patrick's Day?


Yes. I had a green car once too. And some shoes.

I never said the drinks were green. They weren't. The wine looks just as it should. Turing a drink green just involves adding a food colouring.

How did he do it? With style and panache, that's how. You really didn't get it, did you?


Quoted from Sandro
The silliness of the ending really caught me off-guard (though I guessed it before the ultimate scene) because of how sleek and mature the script is until that point.


Ooh. A hard punch in the bollocks there. The silliness? If the silliness of my ending did that to you, the silliness of this post should have your trousers filled by now. Pass the cheese.

There's nothing silly about my script. You just didn't like it. Dismissing it like that shows immaturity. So I'm sending you off to stand in the corner while you suck your thumb and think about what you've done.


Quoted from Sandro
Anyway, those are just my two cents.


Yes. Two cents isn't what it used to be. New trousers please.


Quoted from Sandro
Look forward to reading more of your work.


Sandro


Indeed. And I shall enoy anticipating my responses. Now, I have to get some double gloucester and brie, as I fancy a session.

I thank you.

R


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
rendevous  -  August 3rd, 2015, 8:24pm
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Sandro
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Call me old fashioned, or even Gary, whatever you prefer, but I find comfort in 'hello', or 'alright', or even 'wassup'.


Obviously you don't find any comfort in greeting someone at the start of your comments either, so I don't get the complaint. I also don't get the "jokey" and condescending nature of your replies, is there a particular reason you do this? Do you prefer not to receive feedback?


Quoted Text
How can it be very entertaining and quite long?


The Godfather is nearly three hours long and yet I find it hugely entertaining.


Quoted Text
I've considered your idea and decided against. Fabien's important to the plot, cutting it down harms this, as a lot of it relates to the plot.


No, it doesn't, you can easily cut it down to the bare essentials without sacrificing plot. Several people have made the same critique. Killing your "darlings" isn't easy, but it's downright impossible when you're as smitten with them as you are.


Quoted Text
Oh dear. You know that bit in Jaws, the bit where the shark is chasing them, but then the yellow barrels disappear? Then they do it again, and again? You know that bit?

Then there's that bit in Terminator 2 when the T-1000 is chasing our protagonists, but doesn't catch them?


Oh, dear what? You really seem to have an aversion for receiving critique. Let me know if you do, I'll happily stop doing so. And did you honestly just compare an overly long and talky scene from your script with Jaws and Terminator 2? Oh, dear...


Quoted Text
[quote]The ending didn't work at all for me. Why would such an esteemed artist degrade himself by pulling such a juvenile stunt?


Oh dear. [/quote]

Oh, dear; it's an opinion! I merely said your ending didn't work for ME, no need to get upset. I'm glad you find your own work so inspired and beautiful.


Quoted Text
How did he do it? With style and panache, that's how. You really didn't get it, did you?


If you would actually explain something instead of incessantly making inane jokes, I might've finally understood it.


Quoted Text
There's nothing silly about my script. You just didn't like it. Dismissing it like that shows immaturity.


No, what's immature is not being able to take feedback. I find your ending silly, you do not. I find Adam Sandler movies silly too, and guess what, those are full of urine gags as well.

Agree to disagree if you want, but just because someone has a different opinion from yours doesn't mean they are immature and you're some kind of infallible scriptwriting genius.

It's too bad it came to this. I'll do us both a favour and refrain from commenting on your scripts.


Sandro
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rendevous
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandro


Obviously you don't find any comfort in greeting someone at the start of your comments either, so I don't get the complaint.


I see. Moving on...


Quoted from Sandro
I also don't get the "jokey" and condescending nature of your replies, is there a particular reason you do this? Do you prefer not to receive feedback?


I love feedback, almost as much as Jimi Hendrix did.

I like telling jokes. If you take it as condescending then I suggest moving on, as it isn't meant that way. It's meant to be funny, or at least amusing. What did you expect on an internet message board? Compliments on your fine judgement? A request for your address so we can send you a cheque? I would say lighten up, but I daren't lest you take offence.

I'll respond to the rest of your post in good time. If you'd rather I didn't then PM me.

Meanwhile...


Quoted from Stumpzian

SPOILER:



I didn't know this, but I don't think it would have mattered if I did. I laughed at the ending -- the artist's newest work, a grand statement on the art world, its practitioners, its critics, its Fabiens.
I like how you used Beefeater the cabbie (I mean Gilby) to set this up.



I'd like to agree with you there, but I'm not sure what you mean. I'm not being coy, I usually reserve the coyness for after dark when the candles are lit and the Ed Sheeran is on.

Oh hang on, a penny drops in my head. The echo is enormous in the emptiness. You mean the gin? Ah, caught me. For a moment there I thought you were making some obscure reference to a very silly DC comic character. I thought I was going to have a read full Wikipedia page to work out what you meant. Thank fags I didn't.

Glad you liked it. Good to hear from you, fella.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  August 4th, 2015, 3:44am
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Sandro....it's his Irish sense of humour.

We English did our best to beat it out of them, but they're a tough old lot.*


*Any unintended offence caused by such a flippant remark is...errrr....unintended.
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Sandro
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Sandro....it's his Irish sense of humour.

We English did our best to beat it out of them, but they're a tough old lot.


Haha, I see. Please, keep trying.


Quoted Text
I'll respond to the rest of your post in good time. If you'd rather I didn't then PM me.


I don't foresee much good or any kind of (peaceful) resolution coming from further discussion. I'll reserve further feedback for people who're actually open to it and aren't just fishing for compliments.

Good luck and goodbye.

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey it’s the Rendmiester!

EDIT - Now I've read the comments I need to add the below contains SPOILERS!!

I’m making notes as I read and not read other comments yet, I see there’s quite a few already so please allow me to sever my thumbs as an apology if I repeat what has already been spewed forth.

There’s a Hulk Action figure in the car and the title of the script is Green; is it all related or random?

I like the description of Rosie.

Their banter reminds me (in a nice way) of Marry Poppins talking to the Chimney Sweep.

Gilby seems well informed about art for a cabbie!

I’m on page 4 and I’m guessing that Gilby is indeed this artist they are talking about. The Hulk, the green lights, the cabbie knowing so much about art – it all screams at me.

I like the line ‘Like when Thatcher was in power?’

The rest was tough to get through I’m sorry to say. It all seemed to be leading to the reveal that the cabbie was the artist, which it wasn't but because I was expecting this it all seem superfluous. At the end I don’t know what it revealed and had to read several times before I worked out the pee turning green was the art. A nice touch but didn't feel enough of a payoff after such a long setup.

Well written and Rosie/Gilby were nice characters, they played off each other quite nicely.  It just didn’t hang together enough for me.

Now I need to see what everyone else said so I’m off to read the comments!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

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MarkRenshaw  -  August 4th, 2015, 10:11am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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I expected the cabbie to be the artist too.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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So did I.

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rendevous
Posted: August 5th, 2015, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Very smart.


Yes. Just like the cut of my trousers. Thanks.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
I did think the fellatio girl at the end laughing from Fabien's bathroom a little bit off kilter as she wouldn't really be a party to the conversation at all.


She isn't. The idea was she join in the laughing as sometimes that's what people do.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
  Unless she thought that she'd missed a joke and laughed off the back of Fabien's laugh in an effort to make it appear that she heard it... but still, it doesn't really fit.


I dunno. I can see it working well on film. It did in my head. If she played it with some sarcasm it'd maybe work better, while she filed her nails in a doorway maybe, with a sneer Elvis would have been proud of.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
Aside from that tiny little niggle the story is excellent. Superbly written and an absolute pleasure to read. I laughed at Gilby's Thatcher gag, by the way.


There's no higher praise. Much appreciated. I'm thoroughly encouraged.

R



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 5th, 2015, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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R,

Slight problem at the bottom of page 5 which made me stop, re-read then continue.

Ext. the gallows club -- no mention of the cap arriving or characters in scene. Then you continue with Gilby and Rosie's dialog as though we are in the cab with them.

Then next scene you do bring us into the cap for more dialog.

Comma after Unfortunately in Fabien's description, page 8.

             ROSIE
Could I go the loo, Sarah?

Forgot the word 'to' int he above.

Page 14. I would change Rosie's V.O. to PHONE.

Different story type vs. what I'm used to. Somewhat entertaining. Had some slow moving parts early and mid. I don't see how the logline has much to do with the story -- but, I'm one of those that checks the log to see if I want to read further. I understood more of a love/friend/comforting story vs. a reveal.

Thought the ending kind of fizzled -- get it? ;P

GL

Tony.
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rendevous
Posted: August 6th, 2015, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles
Ren,


Steve...


Quoted from stevemiles
warning -- may contain spoilers...


And my responses may contain humour. No promises though, I could be having an off day. You never can tell.


Quoted from stevemiles
Entertaining read throughout.  Witty dialogue and visuals (green dwarves serving drinks, copyrighting a shade of green...), all add a sense of mystery to this reclusive artist and keeps the read lively.


Couldn't have put it better myself. I'd have used more superlatives though, far more. A smörgåsbord more, a big van full more, a warehouse worth more, a erm... you get the idea.


Quoted from stevemiles
Enjoyed the back and forth between Gilby and Rosie -- good choice to make him an art fan of sorts. Only 12.50 for a 5 page cab ride?  Clearly not a black cab...


They didn't go too far. And Gilby drives everywhere in fifth.

Reminds me of a Woody Allen. He and his latest squeeze are in the back of a moving cab. He says 'I love you so much I can almost take my eyes off the meter.'


Quoted from stevemiles
My only gripe would be the payoff.  Much as it suits the idea it did feel a little underwhelming given the length of the set-up.  I like the idea of Hughdy making his critics a part of his ‘art’ -- but it is rather subtle -- in the sense it impacts only a chosen few in relative privacy.


You should read Scartissue's comments regarding this. I think it would work better on screen than it does on paper.


Quoted from stevemiles
Now had he somehow turned their skin/faces his shade of green instead...  


A step way too far, Steve. It's this type of thing that leads to the Nazis taking over. Again.


Quoted from stevemiles
Anyways, all good fun.

Steve


Quite. Thanks very much. Good work, fella.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: August 7th, 2015, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
R

Cool to see this back on the boards...in a much more streamlined form...or so I thought.

Has much changed from the old version?


Col,

It hasn't changed much from the old version. I changed the odd word here and there, as well as the occasional even one. Hopefully it reads better, hence your impression of streamlining, hopefully.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Oh and can I take some responsibility in this most pleasant of resurrections?

Too late, I already have. Your welcome.

Col.


You can take full responisibility for its ressurection. I'd competely forgotten about it, for the foreseeable at least.

You can also take responsibility for me and my better half spending ages looking for a copy in script form and only finding a pdf, then me spending oh too long reformatting the bloody thing. Ever done that? Don't, it's like pulling big teeth with bad pliers.

I moan in jest. Good call, and good to hear from you. And remember to keep your old and new scripts in a format you can edit, should you so desire. If you're anything like me, desire you will.

R

p.s. RIP The Daily Show with Jon Stewart



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: August 10th, 2015, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
I usually go in fresh... often without even reading the logline, especially if it's from one of the regulars as I feel assured that it's going to be a pleasing read.


Sounds like the right idea. I do the same myself. Good to hear from you.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
If it's not a regular, then I will read the comments to see if it's worth reading or not. I respect what many of the regular members here think so am quite happy to have preconceived notions going in.... doesn't mean I will agree with them though.


Sounds fair enough.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
[SPOILER ALERT<<<<<<<<<<<<<>SPOILER ALERT<>>>>>>>>>>>>>SPOILER ALERT]


Now that's how you do one of those.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
>>>>SPOILER ALERT

I do have an idea for an alternate ending which will cut the page count somewhat. Once they go to see what it is the artist has to show them and they walk through those white corridors. Rather than that, have Rosie walk along a single white corridor and maybe have a portaloo, or an actual toilet sitting at the end of it. Of course, already desperate, she will get that there's a catch and use the toilet, then comes the punchline.


Not a bad idea. I'll dwell on that for a while. Might be a bit blunt, but maybe it'd work. I still prefer mine, but I'm a precious little sort. I probably meant precocious, but I quite like it when it goes weird.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  August 10th, 2015, 6:50am
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