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The opening sequence seems overlong. You might try making it a bit shorter and have Gilby a bit smarter when it comes to Art. He hasn't gone to all those galleries for nothing. Can he spout an opinion or informed insight that they can bandy about?
the green motif works fine if over the top. It's not my style, but I'm no art maven.
Then, we get to showtime. With the tables mostly empty, why the sudden hush. Did I miss something. Everyone is gone anyway.
And the final walk through the corridors of no color and out the door to the waiting Gilby. A swift ride home and the final revelation. OK, I buy it.
I think this would benefit from some conflict between Rosie and Fabien. Some old scar, some new cut. I'm not sure you need Jacob at all. And if there was an old relationship between the artist and the four people called forward, I think that would be cool too. Perhaps a revenge motive too? Just a thought.
This structure seems to have become something of a trademark for you, Renners.
The long build up to what seems like an underwhelming reveal, but then a reveal that starts to play on your mind and makes you think it wasn't underwhelming at all, but something subtle but quite clever.
I too found the conversation dragged a bit with the guy inside...it felt like you'd covered that ground with the cab driver.
I think you should show the White Corridors on screen. I think it would look cool, and would help to build the tension towards the end.
Interesting opening gambit. Call me old fashioned, or even Gary, whatever you prefer, but I find comfort in 'hello', or 'alright', or even 'wassup'.
The latter cannot be performed by people who are over twenty five. They are also not allowed to high five, or we'll make them wear those jeans that hang half way down the arse.
Anyways, don't know where the six page idea came from, perhaps some automatic blip, or Don was on the wine again.
Ooh, hello. Late, but I feel better now. You could have been one of those drone thingies. Hmm, they probably do say hello. I didn't think that one through.
Indeed it is excellently written. Stunning, even though I say so myself. Outstanding, even. I'll stop that now.
The first scene in the taxi is very entertaining, despite that it runs quite long.
Ooh, a chocolate biscuit and then when I put it in my mouth I get a swift kick in the balls. How can it be very entertaining and quite long? Surely it flew by, like an evening in my company does? As long as drink is taken.
I'd consider cutting the conversation between Rosie and Fabien down a bit.
Okay, I'm off to the shops to buy some cheese. No cheese you see. I have biscuits, but the lack of cheese is grinding. So I'll consider this as I amble there and back.
The cheese is in the cupboard now and the kettle is boiling. I've considered your idea and decided against. Fabien's important to the plot, cutting it down harms this, as a lot of it relates to the plot. The bloke in the cheese shop said Fabien represents the decadent and difficult side of modern art. He should know, he's got a big thick book on it.
The old lady at the bus stop was less sure, but she said she'd agree with me as long as I left her alone from now on.
I found it to be quite uninteresting, especially as it follows the excellent dialogue between Rosie and Gilby. Much of what Fabien and Rosie say about the artist is also said in the prior scene anyway.
Oh dear. You know that bit in Jaws, the bit where the shark is chasing them, but then the yellow barrels disappear? Then they do it again, and again? You know that bit?
Then there's that bit in Terminator 2 when the T-1000 is chasing our protagonists, but doesn't catch them? Then he tries again later, and again? You know that bit? Why don't they just get to the bloody point? I've got cheese and biscuits waiting and me cup of tea's getting cold. Plot dragging barstards.
I'd say it is build up. The dialogue between Fabien and Rosie is important to the plot. What would you have me do at an art show with our protagonist while they await the enigmatic and elusive artist to appear? Play cards? Watch Terminator 2?
Actually they could play cards and then comment on the aesthetic qualities of the film. Fabien would probably deem it pathetic American trash of the highest order, then wax lyrical about Truffaut and Godard.
I think you just preferred it when Rosie was speaking to Gilby. You weren't fond of Fabien. Fair enough, far fewer will like him as much. That was the idea.
As I said to my lover, better late than never. It's not my fault I drank all that wine. Well, it is. Hmm, better leave that there.
Thanks for putting that in. I often glance at comments before I read a script. I really don't want to learn important plot points from them
The same when I read a decent film review. I want to know whether or not I might wanna see it. Not what is going to happen. Spoilers spoil things. I'm sure you wouldn't want your carefully plotted script blurted out in a review. No one does.
The ending didn't work at all for me. Why would such an esteemed artist degrade himself by pulling such a juvenile stunt?
Oh dear. Have you viewed any modern British art, or any modern art? Delancey's antics were mild. They have used body fluids to make 'statements' that really should only be seen by a qualified medical person, a lover, or an undertaker.
I thought my ending was inspired and beautiful and amusing. Like The Mona Lisa singing, or Michelangelo's David doing a moonwalk. But then I would do, wouldn't I?
And how did he do it anyway? As for as I can tell, it isn't explained. If it's the alcohol, doesn't everyone nowadays know about green beer/drinks turning your urine green because of St. Patrick's Day?
Yes. I had a green car once too. And some shoes.
I never said the drinks were green. They weren't. The wine looks just as it should. Turing a drink green just involves adding a food colouring.
How did he do it? With style and panache, that's how. You really didn't get it, did you?
The silliness of the ending really caught me off-guard (though I guessed it before the ultimate scene) because of how sleek and mature the script is until that point.
Ooh. A hard punch in the bollocks there. The silliness? If the silliness of my ending did that to you, the silliness of this post should have your trousers filled by now. Pass the cheese.
There's nothing silly about my script. You just didn't like it. Dismissing it like that shows immaturity. So I'm sending you off to stand in the corner while you suck your thumb and think about what you've done.
Call me old fashioned, or even Gary, whatever you prefer, but I find comfort in 'hello', or 'alright', or even 'wassup'.
Obviously you don't find any comfort in greeting someone at the start of your comments either, so I don't get the complaint. I also don't get the "jokey" and condescending nature of your replies, is there a particular reason you do this? Do you prefer not to receive feedback?
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How can it be very entertaining and quite long?
The Godfather is nearly three hours long and yet I find it hugely entertaining.
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I've considered your idea and decided against. Fabien's important to the plot, cutting it down harms this, as a lot of it relates to the plot.
No, it doesn't, you can easily cut it down to the bare essentials without sacrificing plot. Several people have made the same critique. Killing your "darlings" isn't easy, but it's downright impossible when you're as smitten with them as you are.
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Oh dear. You know that bit in Jaws, the bit where the shark is chasing them, but then the yellow barrels disappear? Then they do it again, and again? You know that bit?
Then there's that bit in Terminator 2 when the T-1000 is chasing our protagonists, but doesn't catch them?
Oh, dear what? You really seem to have an aversion for receiving critique. Let me know if you do, I'll happily stop doing so. And did you honestly just compare an overly long and talky scene from your script with Jaws and Terminator 2? Oh, dear...
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[quote]The ending didn't work at all for me. Why would such an esteemed artist degrade himself by pulling such a juvenile stunt?
Oh dear. [/quote]
Oh, dear; it's an opinion! I merely said your ending didn't work for ME, no need to get upset. I'm glad you find your own work so inspired and beautiful.
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How did he do it? With style and panache, that's how. You really didn't get it, did you?
If you would actually explain something instead of incessantly making inane jokes, I might've finally understood it.
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There's nothing silly about my script. You just didn't like it. Dismissing it like that shows immaturity.
No, what's immature is not being able to take feedback. I find your ending silly, you do not. I find Adam Sandler movies silly too, and guess what, those are full of urine gags as well.
Agree to disagree if you want, but just because someone has a different opinion from yours doesn't mean they are immature and you're some kind of infallible scriptwriting genius.
It's too bad it came to this. I'll do us both a favour and refrain from commenting on your scripts.
I also don't get the "jokey" and condescending nature of your replies, is there a particular reason you do this? Do you prefer not to receive feedback?
I love feedback, almost as much as Jimi Hendrix did.
I like telling jokes. If you take it as condescending then I suggest moving on, as it isn't meant that way. It's meant to be funny, or at least amusing. What did you expect on an internet message board? Compliments on your fine judgement? A request for your address so we can send you a cheque? I would say lighten up, but I daren't lest you take offence.
I'll respond to the rest of your post in good time. If you'd rather I didn't then PM me.
I didn't know this, but I don't think it would have mattered if I did. I laughed at the ending -- the artist's newest work, a grand statement on the art world, its practitioners, its critics, its Fabiens. I like how you used Beefeater the cabbie (I mean Gilby) to set this up.
I'd like to agree with you there, but I'm not sure what you mean. I'm not being coy, I usually reserve the coyness for after dark when the candles are lit and the Ed Sheeran is on.
Oh hang on, a penny drops in my head. The echo is enormous in the emptiness. You mean the gin? Ah, caught me. For a moment there I thought you were making some obscure reference to a very silly DC comic character. I thought I was going to have a read full Wikipedia page to work out what you meant. Thank fags I didn't.
We English did our best to beat it out of them, but they're a tough old lot.
Haha, I see. Please, keep trying.
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I'll respond to the rest of your post in good time. If you'd rather I didn't then PM me.
I don't foresee much good or any kind of (peaceful) resolution coming from further discussion. I'll reserve further feedback for people who're actually open to it and aren't just fishing for compliments.
EDIT - Now I've read the comments I need to add the below contains SPOILERS!!
I’m making notes as I read and not read other comments yet, I see there’s quite a few already so please allow me to sever my thumbs as an apology if I repeat what has already been spewed forth.
There’s a Hulk Action figure in the car and the title of the script is Green; is it all related or random?
I like the description of Rosie.
Their banter reminds me (in a nice way) of Marry Poppins talking to the Chimney Sweep.
Gilby seems well informed about art for a cabbie!
I’m on page 4 and I’m guessing that Gilby is indeed this artist they are talking about. The Hulk, the green lights, the cabbie knowing so much about art – it all screams at me.
I like the line ‘Like when Thatcher was in power?’
The rest was tough to get through I’m sorry to say. It all seemed to be leading to the reveal that the cabbie was the artist, which it wasn't but because I was expecting this it all seem superfluous. At the end I don’t know what it revealed and had to read several times before I worked out the pee turning green was the art. A nice touch but didn't feel enough of a payoff after such a long setup.
Well written and Rosie/Gilby were nice characters, they played off each other quite nicely. It just didn’t hang together enough for me.
Now I need to see what everyone else said so I’m off to read the comments!
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
I did think the fellatio girl at the end laughing from Fabien's bathroom a little bit off kilter as she wouldn't really be a party to the conversation at all.
She isn't. The idea was she join in the laughing as sometimes that's what people do.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Unless she thought that she'd missed a joke and laughed off the back of Fabien's laugh in an effort to make it appear that she heard it... but still, it doesn't really fit.
I dunno. I can see it working well on film. It did in my head. If she played it with some sarcasm it'd maybe work better, while she filed her nails in a doorway maybe, with a sneer Elvis would have been proud of.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Aside from that tiny little niggle the story is excellent. Superbly written and an absolute pleasure to read. I laughed at Gilby's Thatcher gag, by the way.
There's no higher praise. Much appreciated. I'm thoroughly encouraged.
Slight problem at the bottom of page 5 which made me stop, re-read then continue.
Ext. the gallows club -- no mention of the cap arriving or characters in scene. Then you continue with Gilby and Rosie's dialog as though we are in the cab with them.
Then next scene you do bring us into the cap for more dialog.
Comma after Unfortunately in Fabien's description, page 8.
ROSIE Could I go the loo, Sarah?
Forgot the word 'to' int he above.
Page 14. I would change Rosie's V.O. to PHONE.
Different story type vs. what I'm used to. Somewhat entertaining. Had some slow moving parts early and mid. I don't see how the logline has much to do with the story -- but, I'm one of those that checks the log to see if I want to read further. I understood more of a love/friend/comforting story vs. a reveal.
Entertaining read throughout. Witty dialogue and visuals (green dwarves serving drinks, copyrighting a shade of green...), all add a sense of mystery to this reclusive artist and keeps the read lively.
Couldn't have put it better myself. I'd have used more superlatives though, far more. A smörgåsbord more, a big van full more, a warehouse worth more, a erm... you get the idea.
Enjoyed the back and forth between Gilby and Rosie -- good choice to make him an art fan of sorts. Only 12.50 for a 5 page cab ride? Clearly not a black cab...
They didn't go too far. And Gilby drives everywhere in fifth.
Reminds me of a Woody Allen. He and his latest squeeze are in the back of a moving cab. He says 'I love you so much I can almost take my eyes off the meter.'
My only gripe would be the payoff. Much as it suits the idea it did feel a little underwhelming given the length of the set-up. I like the idea of Hughdy making his critics a part of his ‘art’ -- but it is rather subtle -- in the sense it impacts only a chosen few in relative privacy.
You should read Scartissue's comments regarding this. I think it would work better on screen than it does on paper.
Cool to see this back on the boards...in a much more streamlined form...or so I thought.
Has much changed from the old version?
Col,
It hasn't changed much from the old version. I changed the odd word here and there, as well as the occasional even one. Hopefully it reads better, hence your impression of streamlining, hopefully.
Oh and can I take some responsibility in this most pleasant of resurrections?
Too late, I already have. Your welcome.
Col.
You can take full responisibility for its ressurection. I'd competely forgotten about it, for the foreseeable at least.
You can also take responsibility for me and my better half spending ages looking for a copy in script form and only finding a pdf, then me spending oh too long reformatting the bloody thing. Ever done that? Don't, it's like pulling big teeth with bad pliers.
I moan in jest. Good call, and good to hear from you. And remember to keep your old and new scripts in a format you can edit, should you so desire. If you're anything like me, desire you will.
I usually go in fresh... often without even reading the logline, especially if it's from one of the regulars as I feel assured that it's going to be a pleasing read.
Sounds like the right idea. I do the same myself. Good to hear from you.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
If it's not a regular, then I will read the comments to see if it's worth reading or not. I respect what many of the regular members here think so am quite happy to have preconceived notions going in.... doesn't mean I will agree with them though.
I do have an idea for an alternate ending which will cut the page count somewhat. Once they go to see what it is the artist has to show them and they walk through those white corridors. Rather than that, have Rosie walk along a single white corridor and maybe have a portaloo, or an actual toilet sitting at the end of it. Of course, already desperate, she will get that there's a catch and use the toilet, then comes the punchline.
Not a bad idea. I'll dwell on that for a while. Might be a bit blunt, but maybe it'd work. I still prefer mine, but I'm a precious little sort. I probably meant precocious, but I quite like it when it goes weird.