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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Savor Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 8th, 2015, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Savor by Fechete Paul Cristian - Short, Horror  - An eccentric chef with a God complex finds out the recipe for life itself but pays a terrible price for it. 14 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 12th, 2015, 9:08pm
revised draft
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Gave this a quick read, all opinions are just mine.

If this is meant to be a spec script then you need to remove/severely calm down on the camera directions etc, a director and DP work these out themselves... if you are planning on making this yourself then please ignore this comment!

The way it is written is in the passive voice, it should be re-written to be more active, e.g. sitting becomes sits, looking becomes lets, etc.

The second scene says it's set in a Living Room, but there's a very large dining table in it, better in a Dining Room?

I think some of the dialogue is a little overlong, try shorten some of the longer passages.

I saw the twist coming, that he ate the people he was helping but the ending twist caught me a little unawares - not sure if you need this, would it work better if it's the woman he's just fed?

Anyway, there's some strong visuals in this, and with some editing and polishing this could work.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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cristianfechete
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback. Maybe I'll "polish" it, as you said, but I'm not sure it's worth investing more time. Wrote this one night to get rid of the idea that kept bugging me. I'm over it now


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IMDB link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7521287/?ref_=fn_al_nm_3
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