Hi Wesley,
This story is quite interesting, though it's very similar in nature to the tv show Heroes, and X-Men, I liked the alien angle you added to it. I'd consider renaming Allen though, I've seen that name used quite a few times to allude to "alien". But your biggest obstacle to getting this adapted is the cost; the budget would have to be sky-high in order to properly shoot this.
Before I start dissecting and nit-picking some of the technical issues, I want to suggest something. You start your story in the interrogation room, I can't tell you how many scripts I've read that start like that. Writers do that to get off to a running start; throw your audience in the middle of the shit to create mystery/tension, then you flashback to an action-heavy scene that shows how the protagonist got there, and then we're back in the interrogation room. I'd really suggest starting at the call center, it's a much more interesting scene and once we get to the interrogation room the second time, a lot of the info from the first time around is repeated anyway.
Furthermore, the interrogation room scenes are much too dialogue-heavy, it's pretty much all exposition. Which would be sort of fine in a feature length film, but not in a short. Why not try to have as much of the info as possible explained to us via the news reporter on tv? He can report in thirty seconds what the agent and the doctor do throughout most of your script.
Now the technical stuff:
Quoted Text FADE IN:
BLACK SCREEN |
How does one fade in onto a black screen?
Quoted Text VOICE #2 (V.O)
(periodically sniffing)
My name is Allen Sutton.
(sniff )
I’m 34 years old, I was born on
August 22ND, 1985 in Flint
Michigan.
(sniff)
I’m a technical support
representative at a call center. |
Drop all the single sniffs, you've already established that he does so periodically. You do this several more times.
Quoted Text His eyes glisten as he stares off camera. |
Quoted Text A pair of old hands are vigorously typing. Pan upwards to
AGENT THOMAS (54), the source of the typing. |
If you're writing this script for yourself to direct someday then the acting and camera direction stuff is fine. If not, drop it. Also, the way you casually insert a camera direction like that into your action doesn't seem right. I'd write it in all-caps and on a new line.
Quoted Text (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: |
This is on nearly every page and it's entirely redundant. Unless I read "THE END" (which you're missing by the way) I know it's all a continuation.
Quoted Text AGENT THOMAS
And have you ever seen anyone who
shared the same disease as you? |
"Shared" or "the same", you don't need both.
Quoted Text ALLEN
I don’t understand.......
AGENT THOMAS
(interrupting Allen)
I want you to go over the events of
last night. |
Interrupted dialogue should be ended with a hypen, or two. Not with an ellipsis, which implies the speakers trails off. Also, this is the first instance where your obsession with periods rears its head. Just look at this:
Quoted Text COWORKER #1
Hey...um...Allen, Some guys are
here for you at the front.
ALLEN
Oh....really? |
Quoted Text ALLEN
DAD! Please for the love of god
turn on the TV and look at the
news! You won’t believe this! I’m
not the only...... |
Quoted Text ALLEN
Wait....If I’m the only one with
this disease until yesterday, how
have you been researching it for 30
years?
AGENT THOMAS
We’ve been watching.....
DOCTOR ELIZABETH
I’VE...been watching you.. |
Quoted Text ALLEN
They....want.....to...kill...you |
This goes on and on. Most of these can (and should) be replaced by commas or just a single period.
Quoted Text Energetic and teaming with movement, like ants on a rotting
apple. |
Nice.
Quoted Text Allen, on a call, sits at his desk littered with sticky
notes and books. Various religious and philosophy
titles. Books from Nietzsche to C.S. Lewis. A more
prominently placed note reads “Bible study every Thursday at
Lunch!”. |
Too much unnecessary detail. Happens a few more times, not too serious.
Quoted Text A coworker passes by Allen. Concerned and confused. |
Quoted Text Before she could finish what she was saying a group of
people pass by and grab her arm. |
You don't properly introduce this "coworker", should be all-caps. And it's not even clear that's she's female until she leaves.
Quoted Text VARIOUS COWORKERS
Oh my god are you seeing this!? |
They're all saying the same line? At the same time?
Quoted Text TV.ON. The T.V. in the upper corner of the breakroom
reports --
REPORTER
(O.S.) |
Don't get the TV.ON. part. And (O.S.) should be to the right of the character's name/title, not under it.
Quoted Text Allen approaches the vending machine and pulls out a dollar
bill from his wallet. Inserting it into the machine he
selects the water. It tumbles down into the receptacle as
he reaches in through the metal flap. It clanks with his
retracting hand. He rises up and starts to unwind the lid of
the water bottle. Allen glances over at the TV, but his eye
is caught when -- |
"Allen approaches the vending machine, inserts a dollar and chooses
a bottle of water. He opens the bottle and looks over at the tv when his
eye is caught by--"
Quoted Text ALLEN
Look man I just want to know what’s
going on! I don’t want trouble! I
can give you my identification but
I’m not going with you! I know my
rights, I’m a tax paying citizen
and you HAVE to let it be known to
me why you’re arresting me! |
Why is he yelling every single line?
Quoted Text Allen is looking around. Frantic. Confused. ON the armed
men, his eyes catch a green EXIT sign. |
Didn't get this.
Quoted Text DOCTOR ELIZABETH(CONT’D)
..from the moment you were born to
now. For thirty years Allen, I’ve
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
DOCTOR ELIZABETH(CONT’D) (cont’d)
watched you grow and progress,
assimilating into the world around
you in ways we could never have
anticipated. |
See the problem here? It's so chaotic, all the bold entries can be scrapped without a second thought.
Quoted Text ALLEN
(with a sarcastic laugh)
HA, not until yesterday. Which to
answer your earlier question is
probably why I’m here. |
Quoted Text AGENT THOMAS
(sarcastically)
HA! We don’t know a damn thing
son. |
Agent Thomas' line happens much later, but it's rather odd that they both do the exact same thing.
Quoted Text Allen grabs the guards arm, rips it off and kicks him down the hallway. |
Cool.
Quoted Text inside lay three people INFLICED WITH THE DISEASE and MATURED. |
Typo.
Quoted Text Agent Thomas busts through the door to an empty
rooftop. With his gun drawn he is scanning the landscape
for any sign of the 7 foot man. |
This happens at the very end and it's the first mention of Allen being 7 feet tall.
I think if you manage to cut down the exposition in the interrogation scene and give us a better insight into this interesting world you've created and into Allen then you really might be on to something. And, if you'd like this script to be adapted some day you might also consider rewriting it to a smaller budget short.
All in all, I liked the world your story takes place in, it just needs some more tweaking to be a solid sci-fi flick.
Hope this helps in any way.
Sandro
Pages: 1
Author
First Born
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