Loose Ends by Ray Barbosa (rbsource6 - Short, Drama - A corrupt cop, a partner murdered and a son who will stop at nothing to find justice… 21 pages - pdf, format

Hi Ray

I started to give this a read but bailed after a couple of pages as the way it's currently written doesn't really cut it for a spec script.

Here's the elements I think you need to have a look at

1) There's no cover/title page
2) There's a prolfiferation of unfilmables, remember your script tells a director/producer what is supposed to be on screen, so for example...
An up-and-comer, burning with ambition.
Isn't a filmable description... you would need to show this in his actions... also you imply that he's innocent... so 'burning with ambition' doesn;t gel so well.
3) There's camera direction, e.g. 'Close On', in the script, this isn't 'standard' for a spec script, unless you intend to film it yourself.
4) Passive sentences/description - again 'standard' form is to be as active as possible, so Nico's sitting in his car, would be better as Nico sits in his car... avoid 'ing'
5) You dont really need CUT TO as it's implied by the new scene heading.
6) It seems to imply that when Rey slams the door, Jimmy doesn't know that Rey was there... but that doesn;t seem to have been established by the action/descriptions.

You'll notice that I use 'standard'... the inverted commas are because in screenwriting there aren't a set of nice and clear rules for formatting, so the things I've pointed out would be considered non standard by many.

Hope these comments help a little.

Anthony  

Ray,

OK some thoughts as we go.

I don't know why you bothered with the flashback.  Does it matter how Nic and Rey got assigned?  

A lot of chat about Rey that isn't necessary.  Jimmy can protest once and only once.  Get on with it.

Another flash back about sharing the wealth.  First day and they're business partners?  Reading a file that could have been planted?  is Nic an idiot?

BAck to the safe house and he's just not frisking?  Seems like fluff.  

And you reveal that Jimmy and Rey are working a play.  Needed?

More reveals that perhaps should be kept for the ending and the surprise.

We get the same info twice about moleman and the killing of the clean cop.

We get the info that a son is revenging his father and does it in a round about way.  The people die and the son works a shootout gone bad.  

The homeless guy is a deus ex machina.  

The problems include some faulty writing which can be fixed.  There are too many flashbacks that aren't needed and too much info repeated.  Cut, cut, cut and make the story lean and surprising.

best
Richard