A Broken Axle by Kevin Finkbeiner (KevinF) - Short, Comedy - A double-date goes south for an anxious, love-shy young man. 12 pages - pdf, format

Kevin,

Some comments seem like fifth wheels.

Nice little story about a guy who tries too hard.  You have all the right elements.  Sensitive guy, non-sensitive guy, two high school girls who don't care for sensitive guy, and finally the lucky girl on the sidewalk.  It's a story as old as mankind which means you have to bring something special to the mix.  

The dialogue works for the most part.  I suspect you're trying for that slangy high school jargon, and you almost get there.  A rewrite or two and you might find the edge you're looking for.  

I didn't spot any obvious errors, and that's good.  My only real complaint is the ending.  Not only do you steal a line from CASABLANCA, but you toss a deus ex machina into the mix.  Coincidence should not favor the protagonist.  In other words, Ash shouldn't happen across a girl just aching to see the movie he wants to see, who will glom onto him in a heartbeat.  Ash has to do something to get the girl. It can't just  happen.  And from his actions with Aura, he doesn't have it in him.  So, my two suggestions would be to find a fresh way to tell this story and to make finding this soul mate much more difficult.  

best
Richard

Thank you very much for the reply, Richard!

I needed to familiarize myself with a deus ex machina - now that I have a clearer understanding of what it is, I can see how implausible the ending really is. But then again, the endings always come the hardest to me whenever I write.

But this is a first draft in all its essence, so it still needs some love. I'm working on the second rewrite whenever I get some free time to. Thanks again for your insights!