SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:32am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Crazier Than You Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 12 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Crazier Than You  (currently 2081 views)
Don
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Crazier Than You by Richard Russell - Short, Dramedy - Couple good ole boys go out for an afternoon of target practice.  What could go wrong? 5 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: October 6th, 2015, 11:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Richard - I liked this for the most part. Much of my reaction is in the NIT level.  - but since my synapses connected, I thought I would pass them along anyway.

NIT ALERT


Quoted Text
ROB, 25, jeans, tee, baseball cap turned backwards and boots,
a pinch of snuff under his lip, pure country, picks the rifle
off the hood of a pickup and turns to DONNY, 25, dressed
almost the same and holding his own rifle


Sentence was a bit long (I told you these were nits) - I think you should break it. e.g.,

ROB, 25, jeans, tee, baseball cap turned backwards and boots,
a pinch of snuff under his lip, pure country, picks the rifle
off the hood of a pickup. He turns to DONNY, 25, dressed
almost the same and holding his own rifle


Quoted Text
A bright, sun-filled afternoon out in the sticks. to one
side, a boom box plays country music.


I like this - but I think it needs to be moved up to the front of the scene. i.e., if the boombox is playing - we should be hearing it when the scene opens. Something like:

Looking down a rifle barrel targeted on a soup can sitting on
a fence 20 yards away. Country music emanates from an unseen boombox.

Not exactly artful wording on my part - but the point being - if there is music - we should hear it right off.


Quoted Text
DONNY
What about that time you me and
Corine went over the damn in that
little raft? Water tore off her
bikini and nearly drowned us. That
was a sight to behold.


A suggestion:

DONNY
What about that time you me and
Corine went over the damn in that
little raft? Water tore off her
bikini.

ROB
Yep, that was almost worth drowning for.


Quoted Text
Rob grabs a beer as Donny FIRES. Another can shot off the
fence.

Rob pops a beer from the cooler and grabs one for Donny as
Cheryl Sue slides out of the lawn chair and grabs her own
rifle from the truck bed. She’s one hot babe.


I got a little confused here. Seems like Rob goes to the cooler twice for his beer. Might read clearer as:

Rob grabs a beer from the cooler as Donny FIRES. Another can shot off the
fence.

Rob pops open his beer and grabs another one for Donny.....

SPOILER

The ending - not crazy about it.  There is an implication that she has a relationship with Rob and - with out anything else (motivation, insanity - something) - her reaction seems out of place with the event.

A suggestion. Corine says something like - I warned him not to fuck around with Corine. She hands Donny the rifle and says - I guess I'm crazier than both of you. OR - maybe the way she has it but after she kills Rob and says I guess he is crazier then you - Don kisses Corine and says something akin to - and dumber too.

There are many possibilities - the one you had didn't strike me.

Anyway - like I said - well done - these are just nits for consideration.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 6th, 2015, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Hey Rich, a few thoughts, juts my opinions of course...

Logline - missing an of? or an o'

A punch of snuff under his lip... normal snuff is inhaled... assume you mean moist snuff/dipping tobacco? might be worth clarifying, especially for brits like me

The interplay between the chracters is decent, but i think you could drop one or two of the stories.

Cheryl Sue feels underused, she could/should say more, call bullshit on the boys some.

Overall I liked this though.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
C.R.L.
Posted: October 6th, 2015, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Baltimore
Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hello Richard.

I enjoyed reading over your short and agree mostly with what the others had to say.

As I was reading, I found myself guessing how one of them would end up shot. When Rob tries to keep the other chick from being talked about, I figured, this must lead to Rob getting shot, but in the end I'm left unsure.

Now, that could be how you wanted to leave it, which is cool either way I like the fact you leave us left with that question.

But, it also makes me think, how much more stronger would the ending be, if it was made known in some way that Cheryl is angry and going to shoot Rob.

Just some thoughts I had...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
24 Grams
Posted: October 7th, 2015, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
New


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Overall I think this is well written and I agree with much of the comments before me.

Here are my insights:

THE WRITING

Page 1.

"Looking down a rifle barrel targeted on a soup can sitting on a fence 20 yards away."

"Looking down" is off and some terms are passive. I would have instead:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY - SCOPE MATTE

"A soup can is on target, as it sits on a fence 20 yards away."

Notice how I handle the "tunnel vision" shot in the slug? And the absence of the passive words "targeted" and "sitting"? You can replace "SCOPE MATTE" with "RIFLE BARREL P.O.V." or "TUNNEL VISION" etc, etc.

I don't see a problem with there being no description of the boom box playing until further down the page, I can see (or hear) the music playing once the location is properly established.

More passive words on page 1:

"knocked", "placing", "aiming" and "drinking".

There are a few to none on the later pages...

I also feel the use of "(cont'd)" is unesccasary when a character speaks multiple times in a row.

And finally, "damn" should be spelled "dam".

Page 2.

"ROB
(so only Donny can here)"

Should be:

"ROB
(Whispering)"

or

"ROB
(Hushed tone)"

etc, etc.

Page 4.

When Rob is shot is it supposed to read "Donny gasps"?

Apart from that as far as I'm concerned, good job.

STORY

I can't add much to the other comments, I agree Cheryl should have more of a role, there should be more foreshadowing and the ending needs to be fixed up a little.

Also, is it necessary for each of them to have their own rifle? In terms of filming I would consider it unecessary.




Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
RichardR
Posted: October 9th, 2015, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
All,

Thanks much for the comments.  I agree that Cheryl Sue should have a bit more of a role, and that her relationship to Rob should be more explicit.  The errors are from writing this very quickly.  I had the title roiling around inside my head,and I had to get the story out.  My bad.

Again, thanks much.

best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
24 Grams
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 7:37am Report to Moderator
New


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
I you manage to rewrite the script do post it up again.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 7:47am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Richard,

I agree with what the others have said about the writing issues. The only thing I’d add is the CONT’D’s were a bit distracting. Final Draft defaults to them on, which is annoying, I always switch them off in the options but that’s just my personal taste.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
NickZ
Posted: October 14th, 2015, 1:55am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
22
Posts Per Day
0.01
Overall I found it pretty enjoyable. I don't really have much to add, but since I might loosely qualify as a New England redneck, I figure I'd throw in my two cents on the chewing tobacco.

I agree with Anthony about possibly rewording the "pinch of snuff under his lip". This is strictly my own subjective personal preference. For what it's worth  I  think something along the lines of "a wad of dip" or "a wad chewing tobacco" (if the term dip is something that you think most readers won't be familiar with) might work. You might also give your reader a more direct visual if "under his lip" was tweaked to a description of how the dip makes a portion of the lower lip area jut out a bit in like a lump.

This is just a stray thought, but if you try and drink while your actually dipping (with the chewing tobacco in), you will get nauseous and possibly a bit dizzy (vomiting is not entirely out of the question either). This is something which could possibly throw off Cheryl Sue's aim (it also is a bit crazy to do since it means your pretty much swallowing the tobacco juice and saliva that you should be spitting  out).

In any case, it's just something you might want to chew over if your looking to revise some of it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
cloroxmartini
Posted: October 15th, 2015, 5:31am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
This reminds me of an example I read about descriptions. Instead of describing in detail what they wear (are wearing) you could simply call them rednecks, and for the girl add 'complete with daisy dukes.'

The story itself seems like a commentary on guns more than being crazy, so, considering my avatar, you might guess my take on that
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006