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Manhattan Madam by CJ Walley - Short, Drama - Following a violent fight, a bordello madam faces off with a fearsome customer and finds herself torn between securing future profits and protecting her staff. 12 pages - pdf, format
Minor distractions - A few times you use your, when it should be you're, and ain't has an apostrophe. This distracts. - Pg 8: He binds his fists fuming. Meaning? - Not sure the significance of the Thorello drink? He refuses, says yes later, then let's Rupert choose, with umbrella? This is a guy used to being in charge, in control, so he'll gonna make specific demands and stick to them, and bristle at an umbrella - A phone rings in the side-room. Was that a door bell?
Major distractions - The dialogue vacillates between cliche and awkwardly expository, especially between Madam and Rupert. He works closely with (in?) her so they would be more familiar, no? - What's the purpose of the check? One of her employees caused damages, and he offers money in restitution? - The bluff appearance of Cooch smacks of deus ex machina
Good - Many of your verbs and adjectives are excellent: pins, canter, glide, balletic poise
Minor distractions - A few times you use your, when it should be you're, and ain't has an apostrophe. This distracts. - Pg 8: He binds his fists fuming. Meaning? - Not sure the significance of the Thorello drink? He refuses, says yes later, then let's Rupert choose, with umbrella? This is a guy used to being in charge, in control, so he'll gonna make specific demands and stick to them, and bristle at an umbrella - A phone rings in the side-room. Was that a door bell?
Major distractions - The dialogue vacillates between cliche and awkwardly expository, especially between Madam and Rupert. He works closely with (in?) her so they would be more familiar, no? - What's the purpose of the check? One of her employees caused damages, and he offers money in restitution? - The bluff appearance of Cooch smacks of deus ex machina
Good - Many of your verbs and adjectives are excellent: pins, canter, glide, balletic poise
R and others - just a heads up - CJ does not respond to comments on his scripts (not even sure he wants them - it's just his thing/philosophy).
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Manhattan Madam
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