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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Fruitcake Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fruitcake by R. Dale McCarver - Short, Black Comedy - With Christmas less than a week away, Santa's worsening dementia threatens the holiday. - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Starts out promising but then I got lost in the dialogue. Too cryptic for me. Who is MINER?
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RichardR
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Dale,

Never make a bad comment this close to Christmas.

This one has a good start and a viable idea.  I think the Miner is superfluous as you've set the mood early, and the Miner isn't coming back later.  And I think you can shorten this one considerably.  Don't need too many examples of Santa's mental state.  Less is more.  The ending is so-so for me.  I'm not sure it adds a lot since it's been discussed already, but that's me.  

The whole idea that tne north pole is nothing more than a sweat shop isn't exactly traditional Christmas fare, but in a dark world, it could work.

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Richard
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wombat
Posted: November 11th, 2015, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand the signs. "Unions Lie"? "Lie" about what? Did a union come in, only for the elves to realize it was playing them for chumps and had been in cahoots with Santa all along? If anyone should organize, it's the elves! THAT would be funny!

I get Santa's Workshop has become a gulag. But how? And why? Did it begin to go downhill after Mrs. Santa died? You ask us to just accept this w/o any backstory.

Santa cheating on Mrs. Santa? Fathering at least two illegitimate sons? OY!

How did such mean, cyncical SOBs as Tiny and Jiffy wind up runnning things? And Santa saying he hates kids? Maybe that's the brain cancer talking, but if everyone - including Santa - hates kids, then why do they even bother, much less, care if the "ship" sails? I was expecting someone to ask/answer that, but no one did.

I just came up with a sick idea: have Santa stuff the Christmas goose with Mrs. Santa after she complains about those "bonuses" he's been handing out to the elves!

@cloroxmartini -- Miner is the character ID'ed as OLD MAN. Took me two read-throughs to figure that out.

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wombat  -  November 12th, 2015, 2:27pm
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