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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Better Times - Filmed and fucking amazing! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Better Times - Filmed and fucking amazing!  (currently 5755 views)
Don
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Better Times by Steve Miles - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - A desperate young couple are faced with a stark choice in exchange for the promise of a better future.  10 pages - pdf, format

***********


BETTER TIMES from Better Times on Vimeo.



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Don  -  November 12th, 2017, 5:42pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course and frequently known to be wrong ;-(

1) Not sure you'd have a gurney if a Drs Surgery... they are more Hospital type equipment. Maybe in the wheelchair already?
2) Took me a while to get into the rhythm of the timelines but worked well once I did.
3) Well written overall, characters all worked and dialogue good too.

The one thing that did remain an issue for me when I got to the end was the fact that QER are paying Eileen for storing Sebastian, this is the opposite to how Cryogenics currently works, as it stands I don't understand how the economics of this works - apols if I missed something but it's niggling.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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rendevous
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Not bad at all. You're obviously an experienced writer. It went where I was expecting it. Though I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.

I'd have preferred it if I felt more for the characters. Nevertheless, not bad.

R


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SAC
Posted: November 15th, 2015, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Great storytelling here. I enjoyed reading this very much. It builds and builds, and the last line stating their motto was a real zinger.

One thing I failed to get was the flickering of the lights. Was that the cryogenic chambers kicking into gear, or was there some kind of deeper meaning there I'm missing. I'll think on it a bit.

Another thing is what are they doing with the patients who are frozen for ten years? Conducting experiments? I don't think you addressed it. If you did and I missed it, my apologies. But if not I think it's something that needs to be clarified.

Also feel you could do away with the line "no celebration here," as we already get their mood from the previous line.

Other than that, great work.

Steve


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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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Well written which means that I can concentrate on story. Like a breath of fresh air. 9 pages just breezed by, nice work. No OTN dialogue, no exposition... just quality writing. To be honest, this is the very least I expect, but this writing is good, pro level, IMO. Better than some of the pros, in fact.

I really liked this. Great story, exceptionally well told. I have seen gurneys in doctor surgeries... but, this is set in the future anyway and you can have whatever you like.

What I got from it, re the reason they go into cryogenics to be frozen for 10 years, is that the 'powers that be' are testing cryogenic freezing and its effects. These people that are being frozen are simply the first people to try this out, hence they being poor and desperate. They get paid for being frozen, then, when, if they make it out fine the other side, they and their family get to live a relatively normal life.

I think everything is there already. Nothing needs adding or taking away. Excellent, excellent story. Nice job.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all for taking a look, always grateful for the feedback.

Dustin picked up on exactly what I was aiming for story-wise -- it’s a medical trial (as companies would with new drugs etc.); those signing up are drawn from poverty with the promise of financial reward and a better future.

I lean towards a ‘soft’ approach to exposition if I can help it -- the background here is not overtly stated, more in the details.  I’m torn on whether it’s enough or not -- just have to draw from feedback and work from there.

Steven, the power outages were to give an impression of the world outside -- i.e. it’s hard/uncertain times.  As to the experiment I didn’t want to get too tied into the science bit -- more just the human element/Sebastian’s sacrifice.    

Ren, I’d have preferred it if you’d felt more for the characters too -- I’ll hold your biscuits over, in Tupperware if you’re lucky...  

Guess it depends on experience but as a kid I remember a gurney/’bed on wheels’ at my local doctors.  Save them a bit of time if someone shuffled off there and then I guess...

Thanks again for taking the time, if anyone needs a read in return just let me know.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles

I lean towards a ‘soft’ approach to exposition if I can help it -- the background here is not overtly stated, more in the details.


That's exactly how it is supposed to be done. If anyone misses it then that doesn't make it your fault, it is their fault for not reading properly. Sometimes things need to be read twice or more to fully appreciate everything a writer has put into the work.

Don't make your exposition more overt just to please one or two people that either can't be bothered to read properly or don't have the capacity to understand in the first place.
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EvanD
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Steve, I really enjoyed this.  I actually read this twice in one sitting to get the full effect.  Someone above said they didn't feel much for the characters, during my first read that's kind of how I felt too, until I got to the end.  The second read was when I really felt for the characters, because it's the ending that gives us the full weight of the decision being made, it's also when the tear rolling down his cheek at the calendar makes perfect sense.  Anyways I really enjoyed this.  I'm learning the art of screen writing, so I'm afraid I don't have much to comment on that front, seems well done to me.  But story-wise very engaging.  I plan on checking out your website to see your other scripts.

If you have some time I'd love to get some feedback on my script(s).  Like I said I'm just learning so some quality feedback from experienced people is always appreciated.  Thanks a bunch!


Evan

If there is anything that I am, I am teachable.

I'd appreciate any feedback you're willing to offer on my scripts:

A Valediction - 24 pages
The Dungeon - 9 pages
The Undone - 17 pages
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RichardR
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Comments can be soooo cold.

This one is a fairly simple tale told in an interesting way.  We jump from vetting process in the past to the present where the 'volunteer' goes in for a decade long sleep.  Works as far as it goes, but seems too bleak, too one-sided.  It's understood that economic circumstances has reduced this couple to this last straw, and it's traumatic, but can't there be a moment of cheerful expectation?  

And it's straightforward, no twists or turns.  Some flickering light but no body bags being wheeled out because of system failure.  No stats on success vs. failure.  No previous volunteers to be interviewed and evaluated?  I'd like this to be more of a rollercoaster in the dark, a twisting turning ride that keeps me locked on the screen.  

Otherwise, this one reads fine.  

Best
Richard
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stevemiles
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Richard -- yeah, this version of the future’s pretty bleak (aren’t they all?)  I don’t know about cheerful expectation but I’d hope Sebastian’s actions imply a sense of hope, something noble if nothing else.    

Evan, thanks for that.  I saw The Dungeon posted, I’ll check it out soon as I get some time to read.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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It's not bleak... as with all good dystopian future type stories they actually relate very well to the current times. At least, they do if you do it properly, IMO. There's employment crisis in the western world. Too many people, not enough jobs. So, for many, they have to resort to things other people don't have to. Like medical trials. Are those medical trials bad? Aren't they for drugs that will end up helping people? It's the same with cryogenics... if people don't test it out, how will we know it's safe? Once people have tested it and it's OK... then imagine how much good that will do. We could travel long distances through space for example.

That's why this story is so good. I wish I'd written it. Simple but effective.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

This was written in large part as a response to current times -- layoffs, growing poverty etc.  There’s no limit to what people will do to earn money or survive.

I don’t think it’s such a stretch to imagine; cryogenics is already a reality to a certain degree.  I came across an article online a while back (New Scientist perhaps?), where they were trialling a medical procedure in Pittsburgh for serious trauma victims that replaces the patient’s blood with saline solution; cooling the body to help it recover -- it gives surgeons a small window to repair the damage.  There’s a wealth of material out there in this kind of thing.    


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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eldave1
Posted: November 18th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Steve: well done, Sir. It flew by. Just  one nit:

INT. DR. PURCELL’S SURGERY – DAY

Maybe it's just me - but I think the scene heading should be DR. PURCELL'S SURGERY ROOM - DAY

I really liked the way this built up.  I really cared about your two protags and felt for the decision that they were forced to make.

This really has the bones for a feature - several individuals/couples facing the same situation - kind of the Love Actually for cryogenics.

Anyway - you smashed this. Noice!!!!!!!!!  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: November 19th, 2015, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Love Actually for cryogenics...  I do like the prospect of freezing Hugh Grant for a decade and seeing how it works out...

Thanks for the read Dave.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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eldave1
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Quoted from stevemiles


Love Actually for cryogenics...  I do like the prospect of freezing Hugh Grant for a decade and seeing how it works out...

Thanks for the read Dave.


You're more than welcome (you may have to recast Hugh though, he kind of always looks frozen)


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 19th, 2015, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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He'd be fine for the frozen bits. Just get a stunt man in to do the real acting.
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Logan McDonald
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One of those stories where conflict is not shown through action but interpreted through dialogue and world building. Well done. That last sentence was like a kick in the gut!


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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Well told. Didn't have to reread anything to follow. At first I thought he was sick but then my blinders came off and I understood he (and his family) couldn't afford to live, along with lots of other folks. I certainly felt the desperation and hesitation about the decision. God forbid we ever see that day.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Logan, Clorox, thanks for the reads, much appreciated.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Heretic
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SPOILERS

Page 3: The tear is too much for me, personally. You're nailing the atmosphere already -- it's one of tension, and a tear is a release that we don't need yet, I think.

***

So the tear is Sebastian's only human moment of release, really. Personally, I'd vote for ditching the single tear and putting a more externalized expression of emotion on the bottom of page 7, saying goodbye to Eileen. There's really only room for one emotional climax here -- I'd put it all together in that scene, which i think would keep us in the right mood until the end.

Yeah enjoyed this one. I think you can probably cut some dialogue -- the main purpose of a lot of it is to establish the financial necessity of personal sacrifice, and while it's all good dialogue, I'd argue that some of it is redundant in terms of the piece at large -- and that might leave room for more cool medical visuals, which I think this could use. The visuals are, right now, a partially missed opportunity, I think: how does the medical world of this future approach, specifically, the poor person's body? I think there's room for more visuals of medical invasiveness and, perhaps most importantly, medical routine-ness -- Sebastian literally means nothing but his body to these people, and some more imaginative/less familiar visuals could support that nicely.

Solid writing, no comments on that at all. An enjoyable and timely piece.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 22nd, 2015, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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Heretic (Chris?)

Thanks for reading -- great notes, the detail I’d never considered.  Like the idea of pushing the medical visuals a little further -- more clinical, more dehumanizing to the subject.  I’ll think some on that aspect.

Thanks again,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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alffy
Posted: November 22nd, 2015, 5:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve

I really liked this. The grim and depressing backdrop of the future worked well.

There's a lot of flashbacks but it was easy enough to follow.  I wasn't sure what the reveal was going to be and it was a nice surprise.

Good work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Equinox
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Nice script, was fun reading it. I agree it's well written, very pointed action lines but still clear so I'm not struggling to get it. I was waiting (and hoping) for some evil twist, like the cryo company using the bodies for something else, organ trading or whatever. With this end, the story seemed a little bit flat.


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cloroxmartini
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Quoted from Equinox
I was waiting (and hoping) for some evil twist, like the cryo company using the bodies for something else, organ trading or whatever. With this end, the story seemed a little bit flat.


Me, too, but more along the lines of Soilent Green.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 22nd, 2015, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy, Equinox, thanks, I appreciate the reads.

Sorry, no evil twist to this time round.

Let me know if I can return the reads.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve

Been meaning to read this.

As expected a nice flow, crisp writing a real sense of mood.

Now, it may be just me, but I missed this was a medical trial. I went back to see why and it was the 'attorney' and 'trial' part of that key dialogue that took me to another place, something legal. So at the end I was wondering what was happening.

I suppose this was reinforced by the poster which makes it sound like its real service, something available, and not being tested. But if you felt this needed a tweak it would really be minor, eg saying medical trial, or on the poster.

As to the concept, a desperate future - why is the future always desperate??? - and a couple in a difficult place forced through necessity into being a guinea pig. Powerless.

Sound basis.

Having read the comments above,  it seems to me you have two ways to show the build up. First, a more inhuman, invasive approach etc or, and this may be worth a thought, an upbeat process, which is at odds with the down beat couple. The suggestion of the fake world that they inhabit. Almost like the hunger games heirachy and the downtrodden populous.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Setting things in the near future is a writer's trick so that they can say what they really feel about the present without it being obvious. George Orwell did it with 1984, he was actually referring to how he felt back in 1948 (at the time of writing). Notice anything about the date? It is said that Orwell originally wanted to call it 1948, but the publishers felt this would be too controversial. Not sure what the truth is in that, but it makes sense to me. He wasn't writing about the future, but how he really felt about the present.

The same is visible here. It's not far enough in the future to be a real sci-fi. There are no flying cars, spaceships, etc. This story is a reflection of the troubling, desperate times we are in now. Yet, there is also hope of a better future. It's very cleverly done, IMO. It's nice to be able to sit back and dwell on a story's implications. Like fine art, we all get something from it, it just may not be the same thing. I doubt the artist cares though, so long as it is appreciated.
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LC
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Well said, Dustin.  Although it's not a stretch for me to envisage this as SciFi, notwithstanding the future's not that far off, and no flying cars, techno gizmos etc. I think I relate to it more because of its grim and unadorned reality. I had the same feeling with  1984, (the novel and film) Code 46, and Children Of Men - devoid of fantasy elements they can appear more real, believable and scary.

Steve, I won't say too much more on this particular forum (will leave it for that other one  ) except to say this is a terrifically bleak story, great vibe, smooth writing, and I love the unexpected cryogenic angle.

I will say, I don't think the script's title does the story justice - perhaps something with the word 'cold' in it: Cold Storage, Cold Comfort, nah, I'll keep thinking...Perhaps someone else might come up with something more inspired, or maybe not. Great job regardless.

Minor typo: grandmothers needs an apostrophe.  



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stevemiles
Posted: November 28th, 2015, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Bill, thanks for the notes -- how’s the revised draft of the 7WC going?

I’d echo Dustin on the Sci-fi aspect -- in most cases depictions of the future are used to magnify social issues/problems of the present, hence that tendency towards dystopia (even more-so for certain classes).

Children of Men is a personal favourite (film that is, though I should probably read the book) -- great script to learn from too.  Such a brilliant premise.

Thanks Libby -- I did think about hinting more with the title, thought it might be giving the game away too soon..?

Definitely grateful for all the feedback -- budget-wise I doubt this would be within the reach of most short film makers, given the number of extras and certain visuals; but glad people can take something from the story all the same.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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stevemiles
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So it's been a long process (though very little effort on my end beyond the script) but Better Times (or Bessere Zeiten) gets its premiere at the FilmFest Bremen in Germany (today) under the Short & Good category.  

I've been far removed from the production process but I know Nico Sanff, the director, has spent close to 2 years putting this together, with a fair proportion of that in post production handling the SFX.

Not sure of the current timeframe or commitments regarding the festival, but I hope to get a finished version I can post here very soon.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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Don
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Warren
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

Just gave the script a quick read before watching the short. Really great stuff. I always feel so immersed in your scripts. Beautifully written.

As for the film, wow! They really did an amazing job. Congrats.

All the best.


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eldave1
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The production value and the acting were amazing. Really enjoyed it. By only gripe as I wish they would have used the signage at the end of your script.

Super congrats.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Pale Yellow
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Just watched this. Wow ... amazing job. Great film. You should be proud as a writer. Love this.
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Grandma Bear
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Wowser!!!! That looks like a real movie!!! Congratulations dude!

...packing my bags.  





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stevemiles
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Thanks all for checking it out, and a big thanks to Don for posting and providing a platform for getting it picked up in the first place.

I was blown away when I saw the amount of effort that went into this, not at all what I expected from a short.  I think it was something like ten months of editing and FX works.  The filmmakers spent over two years in total of planning and shooting etc.

Dave - the original ending extended this by another 3 minutes which they felt slowed the pacing.  I think it was a good move as it gets the core idea across in a shorter, sharper way.  it's been interesting to see how someone else can interpret your script and the whys behind it.  

Thanks again.  All the best.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles
it's been interesting to see how someone else can interpret your script and the whys behind it.  


I've worked with one director three times now and he usually uses only around 50% of the script. He does the rest using director tricks.

Really glad to see this, Steve. You're a great writer and this is well deserved. I'll check it out when I get some free time to watch.
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MarkItZero
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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Holy crap. You're going to win all the awards.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Marty
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Congratulations!

That was awesome!

All the best,
Marty
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JEStaats
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Steve - Very cool. I love the 'Blade Runner-ish' opening, the acting was spot on, and the production was beautiful. Good luck!
John
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stevemiles
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys, much appreciated.  Yeah, there's a little Blade Runner vibe in there.  That's the future I guess, dark and rainy.

Dustin - it's an eye opener; the director had a clear idea of what he wanted this to be and I respect where he took it.  I think there's a lot to be said for not being too married to any one idea, especially when you're not holding the camera...


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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khamanna
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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I just watched it and read the script. The production is amazing, quality stuff, but you know that.
I did like the script better) but it's a very strong script.

Did you sell the rights for this one, or it's still yours?  
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irish eyes
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Wow! Excellant Steve

You should be very proud.


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stevemiles
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Mark.

Khamanna - I'd have to dig out the paperwork, it was a while back.  I think it was pretty standard.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Looks great Steve, they've done a fantastic job with the script,


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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They did a great job with the film!  They took their time and the quality shows.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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The music took a bit of getting used to. I actually listen to Trap quite a lot and had to check at one point that I hadn't left the radio station playing in the tab I always keep open to Trap FM.

I felt that the lead actor initially overacted with facial expressions. It seemed acted to me and, after that, I struggled to stick with him although he did redeem himself well later.

The guy smoking an actual cigarette struck me as odd in a futuristic world. I think a nicer touch there would have been to use an e-cig, maybe a steampunk type holder if the idea is to meld the old with the new.

I liked the script a lot better but overall I think they've done an excellent job with it. The tone, visuals, and acting were all great. While watching, it reminded me of The Wall by Pink Floyd. Not the story, obviously, just the way it was done with the music being so prominent. Musical pieces tell stories too and I enjoyed this somewhat daring mash-up of the two creative forms.
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Pleb
Posted: November 17th, 2017, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Superb stuff. Well done!

Max


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stevemiles
Posted: November 18th, 2017, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Max.

Dustin - thanks for checking it out.  Glad you liked it.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 18th, 2017, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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This is a good movie experience and I'm not a short film guy in general. When the music grew louder again into that melodic part at 5.30 I felt this whole production really has it all together, even the small things are spot on.

Like at 5.50 what of an effect is that? Beautiful...

Story shines too. I like that it starts right within the main conflict and never let's go… The mystery factor works fine as well. Congrats Steve.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 18th, 2017, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Check the SS home page. It has a really cool video of how this film was made. It's quite amazing.  


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