You have mini slugs correct - good luck

Evan,

A little tricky to follow at first -- I’d echo Eldave in breaking those cells into separate locations for sake of clarity.  Given the nature of the idea and the constant back and forth between characters I guess you could then switch to an ‘intercut’ -- though set up each character in their own cell space first.

A few thoughts on the story -- remember it’s all opinion.

There’s something to the idea, certainly some horror to be pulled from it; though as written it feels ‘thin’.  Having a character/characters wake up in a mysterious place is a familiar premise; so you’re at a push right away to put a fresh spin on it -- really take the reader somewhere new.

Having multiple characters, all equally disorientated, gives you a good angle to work with, and there’s a sense of urgency here that keeps the story moving.  Dialogue’s pithy and doesn’t weigh the story down.

Not totally buying breaking down the door -- seems too convenient.  Is there another way to get a character close to escape -- or at least into a struggle with his captors?

I like the organ harvesting -- though as you’re aiming for low budget you’re limited as to how you get that information across.  The ‘They’re harvesting us’ line is a big tell -- is there a stronger/visual way to get that point across?

One way to consider spinning this could be to remain within one of the cells. For instance show the story from Laura’s perspective.  Having ‘action’ occur off screen (audibly) and showing a character’s reaction can work in your favour to heighten a sense of dread and vulnerability.  Just like the character we’re kept at a distance, not quite sure what’s happening.  

She could see ‘snippets’ through the view hole.  You’d have to get creative on how you get the story across but that’s part of the fun in writing.  It would also serve to lower the budget.

I did wonder why they were allowed to wake.  Perhaps they’re removing organs to order; removing a spleen here, a liver there -- returning their donors to the cells (depending on the order) -- I mean it’s a business of sorts, reduce wastage right?

Anyways,

a decent first story, think you could push it a little further.

Steve.

Evan,

A few more ideas.

I don't see how even a half-assed operation would leave the victims unbound.  If I were running the show, I would never risk trying to subdue an adult male whose fighting capabilities are unknown.  They would be either sedated or bound or both.  Anything less is strictly for amateurs.  Also, using sedation or ropes or both makes the escape that much harder for the protag, and that is what you're looking for.

Likewise, I don't buy that the two guys would leave the woman locked in the cell, especially when the have a crow bar and get her out in less than a minute.  It's just a wooden box, right?

I know you're looking for horror and surprise, and waking them up in a dark room makes the audience wonder what is going on.  But from the business of harvesting organs goes, it's not a sound plan.

So, if the story is about harvesting organs, put yourself in the role of harvester.  How would you set up a 72 hour operation?  What is essential?  What is the surest way to get what you want and get out?  

If the story is about the horrors of waking up in a dark room, you might look for a back story that would facilitate the use of such a place, something that accounts for their imprisonment and lack of restraints.  Why would the people running the show want these people to communicate and be free for action?

Hope this helps.

Richard

Steve and Richard
Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I just got around to checking this again.  I'm still loving and appreciating the feedback.  I'm my rewrite I'm changing it up a bit to make it harder for an escape.  I'm struggling with how to get them free now, lol.  

To answer the question as to why they leave the Laura behind since that was asked a couple of times here.  They weren't leaving her behind to leave her behind.  They didn't want to break her out because the bad guys returned and they didn't want to tip them off that they were free.  They decided to attack with the element of surprise instead of break her out and make a bunch of noise.  They only knew of two guards, with one out from the original break out they anticipated probably only one more, they didn't know that there would be two or more in the other room that they were trying to take by surprise.  Their full intention was to come back and get Laura after they incapacitated the bad guys.  I just didn't make that clear enough in the original writing.  

Thanks for the feedback and your suggestions have sparked ideas that I am trying to incorporate into this rewrite.  Thanks a bunch!