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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Old Man in the Santa Suit Moderators: bert
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  Author    Old Man in the Santa Suit  (currently 4111 views)
Don
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Old Man in the Santa Suit by Erica Benedikty - Short, Action, Fantasy - While an embittered young twenty something robs a bank on Christmas Eve, an Old Man claiming to be Santa offer to help if he just believes before it's too late and the cops arrive. 19 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 1st, 2015, 3:51pm
revised draft
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 5:36am Report to Moderator
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Erica,

I do detect a slight inkling to Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol?  Are we forever doomed to continue down this path?  Is there any hope for mankind to see the light and make a shift?  Where can we look to find these answers?

JIMMY found his inside the bank.  But instead of three ghosts, Christmas past, present and future... we have "OLD MAN IN THE SANTA SUIT."

I read it, and I have to admit... it was tough going initially.  But before I post my notes, which are done -- did you upload the wrong draft?  if so, I'll wait to read the correct one... and adjust my notes accordingly.  If not, then I'll post what I have.

Personally, I'd show a lot less of PETE.

Ghostie


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Erica
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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Ghostwriter,
Thank you for giving it a read, every bit helps.

There is a newer version of the script done, I will get it uploaded.  I'm sure with some notes from here I will work on an even newer version, like all scripts it's a work in progress.

It's funny you mention Christmas Carol, it never started out that way at all.  As I've been working on it and after it was  written I began to look at the Christmas Carol angle for a full length feature version.

Until the new one is uploaded here is a copy with a few changes and hopefully more fixes to grammar and spelling.  Sadly I'm dyslexic but I don't let that stand in my way of enjoyment of writing scripts.
http://www.mediafire.com/view/i4am1bjxa590au7/Old_Man_in_the_Santa_Suit.pdf


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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 10:14am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from Erica
Sadly I'm dyslexic but I don't let that stand in my way of enjoyment of writing scripts.


Positive spirit. Don't let your hardships be an obstacle, nor fall into the trap of using them to gain pity. Your misfortune or "pains" can drive you to achieving excellence in life. I'll check this out soon.

Happy T-Give,

Tonya
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Erica
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tony, I look forward to your thoughts on my script.

It's always a fine line when you talk about things like disabilities.  I chooses to mention them now, not for pity, but to show people that you don't have to let your disability get in the way or be an excuse.  You also don't have to hide them.  There is always a way around things.  Mistakes can be fixed as long as you write the story and not procrastinate or make excuses about not writing the story.


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eldave1
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Erica: Just a few notes.


Quoted Text

Betty hands the bag to Frank.

Three men approach.

JIM (20s) tall and slender with black shoulder length hair.
Black faded and cracked nail polish on his finger nails.
Wears a dark ski mask and a long coat to cover up a weapon,
runs into Frank as he takes hold of the bag spilling the
contents across the sidewalk. Jim loses his balance a bit
and bumps Roger, the toy falls out of Roger’s hand and
crashes onto the sidewalk.

Jim stares at the mess.

PETER (42s) Dressed in dark clothes with a black ski mask
over his face and a large oversized coat to conceal a weapon
under it, follows Jim. Behind them is SAM (50s) dressed
similarly to Jim and Peter but with an earpiece mostly hidden
from sight


This passage could be much crisper. Something like:

Just as Betty hands the bag to Frank, three men, wearing long dark coats and ski masks, approach. They are JIM (20s), PETER (42) and Sam (50).

JIM, leading the trio bumps into Frank. The food from Frank's bag spill across the the sidewalk.  
Jim loses his balance and then bumps Roger causing the toy to fall from the boy's hand onto the sidewalk. Jim stares at the mess he created.


I'm not sure some of the detail you provided works - e.g., if they are wearing long coats to conceal guns - how can we see that? We just see long coats.


Quoted Text
Jim covers his face so the group doesn’t really get a good
look at him.


I thought he was wearing a ski mask??


Quoted Text
ALISON (CONT’D)
Roger we’ve talked about Santa this
year


You need a comma after Roger.

Quoted Text

PETER (42s) description needed.


?????


Quoted Text
Peter raises his rifle threaten to strike again.

Peter’s starts his strike.

Jim grabs Peter’s arm struggling to hold the next vicious
strike.


Again - nothing inaccurate here - it could just be a bit crisper. e.g.,

Peter raises his rifle, ready to strike again. Jim grabs his arm to prevent the forward thrust.


Quoted Text
EMILY (CONT’D)
Hello Santa. How are you tonight?
Santa, are you going to deliver
your presents now?

OLD MAN
Don’t worry Emily, I’ll deliver the
toys.


You have this problem throughout so - I'll just point it out one more time - but check the whole script.

There needs to be a comma before Santa (first dialogue) and before Emily (second).


Quoted Text
JIM
The hell are you talking about?
Don’ screw with me man.


typo - Don't.

I did enjoy the story - a nice holiday redemption is good for the soul.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Erica
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read eldave1,

I'm glad you enjoyed the story.  

There are a couple of opps, not sure how that's still in the script moments, I could have sworn I deleted those.


Quoted Text
PETER (42s) description needed.

Yeah, that should have been deleted it was a place holder while I was writing.


Quoted Text
I'm not sure some of the detail you provided works - e.g., if they are wearing long coats to conceal guns - how can we see that? We just see long coats.

I think that's the Director in me adding detail for shooting.  But your right it can be difficult to see and most likely not relevant at that point in the story.


Quoted Text
I thought he was wearing a ski mask??

I think I changed some things around in the re-write but didn't clean up all the old parts properly, I'll get that fixed up.

Thanks again.



Revision History (1 edits)
Erica  -  November 26th, 2015, 12:50pm
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Erica
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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I'm wondering if the title may need a rework.  It doesn't seem to be grabbing people attention. hmmmm.

Oh this waiting is killing me.  


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eldave1
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Erica
I'm wondering if the title may need a rework.  It doesn't seem to be grabbing people attention. hmmmm.

Oh this waiting is killing me.  


I did find the title a bit lacking. Maybe - "Santa's Cause"


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Erica
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, I like "Santa's Cause".

What about "Christmas Toy"  or " The Christmas Toy"?


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eldave1
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Erica
Hmmm, I like "Santa's Cause".

What about "Christmas Toy"  or " The Christmas Toy"?


Better than the original title - but still doesn't give a sense of how this is different. I think your title needs to focus on either the old man/santa's goal or the protag's tradegy/redemption. e.g.,


- He's Checking a List
- Nothing Under the Tree


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Erica
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, something to defiantly work on than.

Thank you for the suggestions.

others,
Nothing for Christmas
Christmas Tale
The Christmas Heist
It came upon a Christmas Heist


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Erica,

Okay, I read the updated one. It's better, but it needs cleaning up - just standard second and third draft stuff, cutting words, and it wouldn't hurt to make some of the dialogue a bit more zingy.  Your first and last slug lines -- I'd adjust those... way too long... JMHO.

You could always mention somewhere in the action line that there's a bank next door.  But I'll end it on this, it's not so much how many words you use, but using the right ones.

Having said that, I always love a good Christmas tale, despite  the fact that I think most Christmas movies and songs that we indulge in are sappy and cliched... but they're also traditions I can't imagine going without.

Clearly the story centers around JIMMY.  And the fact that he hates SANTA CLAUSE or the very idea of it.   The brief exchange Jimmy had with ROGER prior to them entering the bank I liked...

.
Code

 ROGER
Santa�s coming tonight, I�ve been
good all year.
JIM
I wouldn�t count on him, he never
did for me. Ever.  



Then they get down to it, robbing the bank, and low and behold, the Old Man in a Santa Suit magically appears.  Then there's Emily, and you play off those three to get the ball rolling, albeit a few bells and whistles... and we find ourselves back in the beginning.

The star on top of the tree was a nice touch.  Jimmy giving the X-Wing to Roger, too.

My 2 cents;  I didn't care for the violence, I felt it wasn't needed.  If anything, I would re-think having Sam unload his weapon.  I get it, but... I would have gone a different route. Family oriented movies are usually G, PG, PG-13.  Less violence, the better. JMHO.

But overall, I enjoyed the story.  

I do believe Santa is real.  Not the twinkle-eyed elf of children's mythology or the creation of American holiday marketers, which clearly you used here.  But the Santa Claus that dwells inside good and thoughtful people, and plans deliberate acts of kindness.

Any questions just let me know.  Forgive my errors.  I'm writing this on the fly.  Holiday's and all...

Good Luck,

Ghostie



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Erica
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Ghostwriter for the read and the notes!

I think this story starred out a lot darker then the way it is right now.  Over the course of several revisions it's taking on a new life, more of a Family Christmas movie.  I'm happy that this is they way it's turning out as I always wanted to write a story like that.

The new slug line at the beginning has changed to:
EXT. CITY STREET - FOOD SHELTER - DAY
Much shorter, I don't need to mention the bank next door, people would get that there could be a bank on the same street as being next door in not important to the story.

I agree on the ending with the violence, I think I might try a rework making it PG and in line with a traditional Christmas style.  If I turn this into a full length feature style the violence will go as I want the biggest audience possible.  I have to admit, the first time I saw Bad Santa, my mouth dropped.  Now I love that movie.

Again, thank you.  Any thoughts on the title?



Revision History (1 edits)
Erica  -  November 28th, 2015, 10:27am
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Marcela
Posted: November 29th, 2015, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Erica,
I definitely found your short script interesting! As for your dyslexia, that shouldn't be a problem, just get somebody to proof-read your work, or, after all, that's what we are here for. I'm not a native speaker of English and make a hell more mistakes than you do. I am still able to correct yours though!
For example:
page 4
No hero’s should be No heroes.
page 5
She’s just a child for god sakes. Should be - for God's sake.
page 16
Rapping paper  should be Wrapping paper (LOL, this one is actually funny, imagine paper performing rap moves!)

Also, on page 7: 'Reaching down he places hand on the ground as he uses his other to grab a chair.'
I thought he was getting hold of a chair and was going to throw it at Jim.
Also, on page 1 - 'The toy has seen better days and appears quite used and fragile.' I would either write that the toy has seen better days or that it appears quite used and fragile. You don't need to say the same thing twice.
Also,'LITTLE BOY, ROGER (10). The Little boy has a toy in hand.' A ten-year-old is not little boy anymore, maybe just A BOY. I don't think he would have a toy in his hand either at his age. Maybe you want to make him 4 year old.

As for the title, 'Nothing for Christmas' sounds the best to me.


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