Cute Meet by Tony Campbell - Short - A burst shopping bag leads to love. 5 pages - pdf, format

Tony,

Some thoughts.

I don't know what IT consultant dress is.  A bit more specific?  And why IT since no IT is mentioned in the story.  You could make him a funeral director and have the same story.

Harry is a loser, and that's fine.  He has to ride the bus with his groceries.  I get it.  Sandy is a bit put off by all of this, and I don't see how one little comment from an old lady is going to change that.  Indeed, The old lady has no idea what kind of hell Sandy went through.  

Try not to give us some things are nigh impossible to film.  Blushing on the outside but cheering on the inside.  How do we show that?

You have a decent idea.  Loser meets loser on bus and they hook up because his diet is awful and she wants to help.  The old lady can be the catalyst, but not as someone berating one of them.  She wants to nudge them.  So, why not have Sandy in need of IT support?  Harry needs someone who cooks.  The old lady puts it together for them.  

And the ending is just fine.  I like that she kicks the can so to speak.

Best
Richard

Hi Richard,

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my script, and for your thoughts. You're absolutely right regarding Harry's occupation. The script was never intended to be a short, it started out as a scene to include in a longer piece. As a result there is probably a lot in there that isn't actually in there...If that makes sense!

I've had some good feedback on the script, I might actually rewrite it and keep it as a short. But I'll heed your words of advice and cut back on the unfilmable descriptions!
Thanks again
Tony