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Don
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tempest Road by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Three years sober, a father must deal with the reality that his son is transgender. 11 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts, just my opinion of course...

1) Can you still smoke in US bars?
2) I found the switch of age descriptors between 36 for Gary and late thirties for Monica an odd choice, minor though.

Other than that this is very well written and built well and I loved the ending,,, the only thing that didn't quite gel for me, or rather work work as effectively as the rest, was what pushed him into his revelation and change of heart...

Good job though and very now.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Marcela
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice! I love your short choppy sentences with no verbs!
Typo on page 7 - 'It's my wife. She WANTS to know--'
The ending is sooo sweet. However, couple things seem to be quite unrelated to the story - Monica in the bar, and the policeman! Perhaps Monica mentioning that she doesn't see her son makes Gary realise how lucky he is that he CAN be with his child? If that's the case, than I would make it more obvious, e.g. Monica talking how she misses cuddling and kissing her little boy and Gary saying he couldn't imagine what it would be like if he couldn't cuddle and kiss his son...?


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LC
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Stevo! How's it going?

Couple of typos to begin with:

I know hold old he is. p.1
asphault on p. 7 typo
Marcela mentioned the other one on the same page.

SPOILERS BELOW:

I'll launch right in. I enjoyed it. Nicely written, could picture everything, I was intrigued and you had my attention.

Here are the buts:  

While I like the character of Monica I don't see that she adds enough - I wanted more drama. I wanted a real catalyst worthy of making Gary have second thoughts, or at least get to the point he does at the end of the story, and I didn't feel you delivered on that. Gary meets a woman, she idly tells him she and her son have differences - clearly about her lifestyle - drugs/men etc.

Then Gary has that drink. I was really hoping he wouldn't, so you got me there! But a close call with the cops, but quite obviously he's not had enough to be over the limit, and we know this. Even if he hasn't touched a drop in years, it's unlikely.

I understand you don't want to go the stereotypical route but at the moment Gary's wake-up call, like I said, is just not dramatic enough. Perhaps if he comes across an accident - perhaps he's involved in that accident but not at fault and not hurt, but other kids in the other car are... Or perhaps he's just a bystander but rocked by what he sees/hears.

Just seems like you took a softly-softly approach and I'm not convinced any of that would have made much of a dent on Gary's mindset. It's a 'short' I get that, but I think with such an important subject matter, and actually because it is a 'short', you need to ramp it up.

A few little asides which I don't mind at all because they were nicely done and didn't intrude too much. Some nicely done images as well - the gravel kicking back as the cruiser takes off - that's all done really nicely and effectively.

I'd delete the 'infected' aside though, that threw me a bit and makes Monica sound like a zombie imh.

'You wanna get shot was a nice line too, and timely, I might add.

Finally, I think you should make Charlie quite a bit older - perhaps eleven or twelve. I think at age six sexuality is more fluid (absolutely no pun intended btw) both parents would be a bit more circumspect, a bit more unsure i.e., whether she/he might grow out of it. Kids of that younger age - gender doesn't make a difference really to what they play with, how they dress etc.

All just my opinion, but because this is such important subject matter I think you could do more with it.


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SAC
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Thanks for reading.

Technically, no. You cannot smoke in US bars, however when it's late, only a couple people left? Sure. I used to bartend in a local watering hole back when. It happens.

The revelation is a weird one, probably why I sat on finishing this for several months. I decided to show my protag experiencing the underside of things -- Monica's heroin tracks, to try and get him to realize the connection with the suicide in Colorado mentioned earlier. How things can go astray and spiral out of control if not taken care of.

Steve


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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Steven,

Pros: Crisp, well-polished writing. Dialog was good, authentic, believable. Nice length.

Cons: The story itself/the theme and the message, especially delivered by parents. I can't stand this shit anymore, sorry, I guess it's on me, not you. I just don't see a need to tell this general story anymore. It's not natural. It's a real rare scenario as well. This emotion over this theme is fabricated/fueled by sensationalism.

I think this is a failure as parents on so many levels. You have a child/affirm the sex of the child. If child thinks he is the opposite sex he/she needs help. There should be professional help available, is there not?

I mean, doesn't a child see what this does to at least one parent?

Now, your story has the father behaving as I would expect a parent to. The mother gives up after 6 years? Why? There's usually a reason. Did she really want the opposite sex child from the get-go? And it only took 6 years for her to accept this? Does she just want to put pink bows in this kids hair?

Why/how does the father come around and agree/give-up on the kid after only one night going out to the bar? I didn't see anything happen or stimulate a realization to affirm this change. He meets a bar whore/drug addict for a few minutes. She throws herself at him (not believable BTW) then gets pulled over and let go, and this is what makes him come around? Did I miss something?

Again, good job with the writing.

"A light glows from inside. Two cars in the driveway. Cricket chirps interrupted by the clink of dishes from the

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS"

In the above, I didn't care how the action looks as it transitions to the next slug. Not sure if it's a real issue, but I think it looks funny/incomplete. At least use a "--" or "..." IMO.

['You wanna get shot was a nice line too, and timely, I might add.]

I think "Hey, hey -- hands where I can see them." then have the officer cover his gun with his hand like he's gonna draw it, works well too.

Man, I wish just once I'd read a story like this where the kid comes back to being the sex he was intended to be. That would be different story for a change. Why does everyone else have to change/move against their beliefs these days?

GL,

Tony

P.S. Where did you come up with the title from?

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TonyDionisio  -  December 7th, 2015, 10:16am
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Logan McDonald
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Hey Steven
I liked this story quite a bit.
Gary is immediately relatable and the conflict is timely. You didn’t take a simple route like Gary reverting to his addiction and losing everything because of his stubbornness or an immediate turn around in his feelings toward his child. It made everything more realistic.
I liked how you showed Gary breaking his willpower but then seeing the places his addiction could take him if he went down that road.
Well done,
Logan


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SAC
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Marcela,

I chose an indirect route for Gary to come to his revelation about his son. I didn't want to go the cuddly route but rather show Gary at his weakest, after having had it out with his wife, then Monica -- someone who could be a mirror image of Gary had he chosen to let himself go, or let the situation with his son spiral out of control. The traffic stop offers hope ... Forgiveness.
Even in the end Gary admits to not being totally on board with everything still. But he's willing to trying its for the better of someone he loves so much.

Steve


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SAC
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Hey how are you? Thanks for reading this.

I think that, yes, I might have missed a mark considering Gary's turnaround -- even though it wasn't a complete turnaround. That was sort of the point. I was hoping Monica's track marks would have been jarring enough to give pause. It got him thinking, for sure. I think I was going for a really awkward moment there, much like Tom Cruise's moment in Eyes Wide Shut where he discovers the girl he almost slept with was HIV positive.

You said I took a softly-softly approach, but I don't think I did really. I think going the route of showing an accident with some disturbing images would have been a little too stereotypical. You know me. I like to bury meanings. So much so that even the reader doesn't quite get it! Haha. Not sure if I get them all the time either. How very Lynchian of me.

And lastly, I do certainly agree that the Charlie should be older. Will fix that. However, I disagree that six year olds -- even 2 year olds -- seem to go with more gender neutral toys. My boy is six and he's all about guys stuff. My two year old boy is all about trucks and cars. My two year old daughter? You guessed it -- dolls!

Steve


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LC
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Quoted from SAC
I do certainly agree that the Charlie should be older. Will fix that. However, I disagree that six year olds -- even 2 year olds -- seem to go with more gender neutral toys. My boy is six and he's all about guys stuff. My two year old boy is all about trucks and cars. My two year old daughter? You guessed it -- dolls! Steve

You know what Steve, you're right. I stand corrected. Hubby reminded me of a doco we watched on gender differences, nature/nurture, conditioning etc. where little girls were given trucks to play with and the boys were given dolls. The girls painted and decorated the trucks, and guess what the boys did? Yep, they ripped the dolls heads off.   Seems it is innate. I think I was mixing things up a bit with something I read about gender preferences with colour.


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SAC
Posted: December 11th, 2015, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Tony,

Thanks for reading and sharing. Whether or not Gary's turnaround was believable or not is up to any given reader, I guess. I suppose I was trying to show the seedy underbelly of this situation -- the struggle in Gary's mind if he chose fighting against the will of who his son truly is inside. Could have been handled better probably. But that's what came out and I tried my best to make it work.

Thanks for the compliments on the writing.

Your opinion is your opinion and I won't try and sway you one way or the other. My experience is this: I know where you're coming from. I do. I used to feel that way a few years ago. I was so sick and tired of hearing about transgender children thinking they were the other sex, bringing up court cases to allow them to use school restrooms of the opposite sex and what not. I was really tired of it. I always felt it was on the parents, that they were somehow enabling their children to act this way. I just figured they were bad parents.  I figured they were nuts and doing their children a disservice by feeding into this so called gender role reversal.

Then I started digging deeper. I read a story where a child, barely in their teens I think, had committed suicide because of the whole transgender issue. I started to form my own opinions. And being a father, I started to come up with different conclusions.

A little research will show you that transgender people have one of the highest suicide attempt rates in the country -- 41%, some estimates at almost 50%, compared to "normal" people at 4.6%. And in both cases the reasons were very similar, dealing with feelings of rejection by parents, bullying, cutting themselves. The list goes on.

I don't think much is known as to, internally, what makes a young boy think he's a girl, and vice versa. This counseling you speak of, and I can only conclude it is some form of "conversion therapy," is out there, usually sponsored by church groups and the like. Today it may be much different, however, prior to 1990 and going back to the sixties, there are very bad stories of what used to exist and the methods used. Ice pick lobotomies, as well as some real Clockwork Orange type stuff. It's sick. I'm sure it's changed now. Hopefully.

Most recently, a church group beat to death a teen boy as a way of intervening because he wanted to leave the church. Among the culprits, the child's own mother and father. Now, this wasn't a gay/transgender issue, but I think the mind set is very similar as to how some organizations and people just take things way too far based on their own beliefs of how things should be. It's violent, it's cruel, and you look at these people and you know they're just plain crazy. But I digress.

In my own opinion, I believe it possible for a child to be born "hard-wired" a girl, but with all the parts of a boy. Much the same as a child born with six toes on each foot, or some other kind of deformity. What I'm trying to say is that things don't always go as planned, and I feel it to be completely plausible that this could happen.

I think what it comes down to, as a parent, is a choice: Hold on to beliefs that transgender is a choice? I find it hard to accept that a child as young as three could even make a choice like that unless it wasn't already placed there. Pre-determined.  In the genes, so to speak.

I'll do whatever necessary to protect my children. And if that means my son thinks he's a girl, I won't like it. That being said, I would much rather have a healthy girl than a dead son.

Just my opinion.

Steve


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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 11th, 2015, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

I get and respect what you are saying and all of its emotion involved. I really do feel some of the same things and I agree that those feelings are real.

But, we live in a real world and unless you are there to "mommy" your kids all their life (which some people do) they need to be ready for a very cruel world. A boy is a boy. A girl is a girl. They are not "hard wired," matter of fact transgenderism is "un wiring" what is natural using "science".

But, I feel what you mean. I just don't think this puts us all in a better place.

BTW, I already see on govt forms underneath sex check boxes: M__  F__ T__
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eldave1
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Steven - a solidly written script. You have demonstrated real craftsmanship, IMO.  

I, like some other readers. did not find the meeting with the heroin girl at the bar sufficient to get your protag's mind spinning in a different direction.  I know you already do - so enough said I guess.  

Anyway - enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
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Steven,

Smooth, quick read as always. Snappy title to carry the idea.

Subtle use of scenes to illustrate; though I think you could dial back the cause of Gary’s frustration at the outset.  How about giving us a little mystery to work with?  We could know it’s something to do with the kid, but make us work for exactly what.  

Overall I’m not sure what it was that pushed Gary to his sudden change of heart.  The conversation with Monica feels a little tenuous.  Seems like Gary’s issue comes from shame -- driven by a religious belief that it’s unnatural.  Feels like something’s missing for him to really make that leap
to reconcile his beliefs with his son’s choices.

I did like that he acknowledges he’s only starting to try and come to an understanding of his kid’s choices -- the temptation could of been to end on the whole hog and Hallmark approach.  

All the best,

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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SAC
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Logan,

Thanks for the feedback. Your comments make sense in the respect that the entire bar scene has more to do with Gary's own addiction rather than his feelings towards his son. Good pick up on that. I'll use that to greater effect if this goes to a rewrite.

That makes the whole scene of him pulled over by the cop more important because it might be then and there he makes a decision on his son. In which case info with Libby's advice.  
Thanks.

Steve


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LC
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Steve, I thought you might be interested in Hollywood's treatment of the same topic, with big name stars. Similarly, it appears it's 'Dad' in this story who has the problem.



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SAC
Posted: January 2nd, 2016, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Bastards stole my idea! Kidding. But thanks for posting this -- and the great review you did for Tempest on STS!
Strangely enough, I wouldn't go and see this. Maybe wait for HBO or something. Writing the human drama element, regardless of the subject, is much more appealing to me.

I hope this movie is handled well and not thrown together. It is timely and usually things like that are rushed just to cash in on that. But if the trailer is any indication, this subject matter is very real. I think part of the reason it never came to the fore is because, back in the day, things like this were kinda swept under the rug. This is a part -- small fraction maybe -- of our society today. Like it or not.

And of course Dad has the problem. Being married has taught me at least one universal truth -- Moms are always right!

Steve


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 3rd, 2016, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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A bit like Tony, I'm a little tired of this topic. It seems to be everywhere.

A family friend has recently gone through it, with their son Michael who is now Michelle.

The father was resistant at first, but what changed his mind was a hormonal test that showed Michael was producing female hormones and was essentially a girl. He accepted it at that point.

Interestingly, his older sister who was at first supportive, simply has been unable to deal with it in the event of it happening. She's fallen out with the whole family and moved out. She is grieving over the loss of her younger brother, and does not recognise the new "sister" as the same person.

I would like to see deeper discussion about it in two particular areas:

1. There are MAJOR health implications. Not least of which is permanent infertility. And the person also has to take very strong hormones forever. It's a massive step. The way it's portrayed, at least as far as I've seen, is that it's all just on the side of people having to accept it. But it's a really big decision.

Why is gender so important? Is it more important than health and the ability to have children?

2. In a world where we are basically saying that sexuality and gender are fluid. A man/woman can be sexually attracted to the same sex, and a man/woman can even BE the opposite sex. It's sort of odd how definite transgenderism is. It fits to the traditional idea of gender...that there are men and women and you have to be one or the other.

From a purely theoretical point of view...why can't you just be a "woman" in a "man's" body? Forget the gender tags...why can't you just be YOU. How can you be born through either God or Nature, and NOT be you?

Or both...just get some tits and keep the other parts?

Where is the idea coming from that you have to conform to one or the other. Is it innate? Or cultural? Are the psychological problems associated with it caused by a discrepancy between the physical form and the mental idea (which is essentially hormones) or by the failure of the person to accept themselves as they are because of cultural attitudes?


There is an odd tension between equal rights groups and transgenderism. For instance, a UK politician has recently said we should only refer to gender in very specific circumstances..essentially to do with health. Obviously the idea is to try and eradicate the differences between men and women, pretend that we are exactly the same. A very Marxist idea. She specifically said it was not fair on transgender people to be so specific about gender with the implication being that they are neither and it's isolating to them to say it....except transsexualism conforms exactly to traditional ideas on gender. Some people are men and some are women. You can just happen to be born into the wrong body.

I  suppose all I'm saying is that society always beats you over the head with one thing or the other. People are always trying to force you into one opinion or another, whatever it is.

Either you CAN'T possibly accept it or you MUST accept it.


`

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Scar Tissue Films  -  January 3rd, 2016, 10:19am
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Scar Tissue Films
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In terms of the script:


Too much time was spent with the Cop. What relevance did all that have to the core story?


The epiphany the father has seems to be based on two things...being approached by a prostitute with a bad arm, and seeing a picture of his own child. Neither seem to have much logical connection with his essential problem...which seems to be a spiritual one the way it's written. He believes God made Charlie a boy and can't accept he's really a girl. And he's embarrassed, it threatens his own masculinity.

What does his decision about that have to do with the prostitute? It's not a lack of attraction for his wife that is stopping him accepting it.

Personally I'd dispense with the God stuff, altogether. That road is also trite, these days and always ends the same way....Christians are stupid and have to change their beliefs. It's the same problem in reverse.
I see it in every film festival, and fuck me it's boring. What once may have been interesting and edgy is now just plain old bigotry in disguise.

I would suggest you keep it purely about gender. He's a macho guy and it's embarrassing to his ideas of masculinity.

Why is that?

I think you need to spend more time with the core story. Why he's against the idea, and find things that challenge his notions of masculinity. Maybe the prostitute is a man, and he's attracted to him? Add another thing into the mix. He's sort of blaming himself for the way the kid's turned out. Might be a step too far, that though.

Ultimately it's about him wanting his family and "son" to be happy. The story is not about gender, it's about the child's well-being. What will make his son happy. The problem is that there's along road ahead.  Is a major operation that will render them infertile and on medication for the rest of their life the best route to that? Can such a young child understand what it means to lose the potential for having children? I don't know, I doubt the father would either. What can you show to make him really start to believe that it is?

Rick

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Scar Tissue Films  -  January 3rd, 2016, 11:57am
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DustinBowcot
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I think that parents 'trying to do the right thing' inadvertently push this type of programming into children. Any child that feels different or that they don't fit in, will seek out places that they do fit. If a boy says, I want to be a girl, and they get a positive reaction from that, even acceptance on some level, then they will take what they can get.

Adults are a different matter. They can do as they please. However, it's an irresponsible parent, in my view, that accepts transgenderism as being OK for their children.
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eldave1
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What a sticky widget this thread has become.

I have two adult daughters (33 and 35). I haven't got an effing clue on what I would have done if one of them revealed when they were a young girl that they were identified as male.  So, I can only guess.

I think I would have tried to delay any physical/medical treatment until they were adult. Not a scientist, but I can't imagine that the emotional and mental development of the brain is not an ongoing and ever changing process through puberty. My concern is not rooted in dogma or faith as am I an atheist and about as socially left as you can go. I just think it would be dangerous to make permanent physical changes to the body while the brain is still in a fluid state.

Once they are adult - have at it. I can not pretend the understand the damage caused by being physically in one body type and mentally in another. It may be a mild distraction or a dramatic, suicide inducing disconnect. All I know is that I am not smart enough to know. Ergo - I would never interfere with an adult decision in that regard.

For children, I do think the key is to provide whatever support one can to get them to the point in life where they can make a well rounded an informed decision about their physical make up as an adult.

As I have stated earlier - with one exception, I quite liked the script. I don't think it is presented in a black and white manner. After all, at the end all Gary did was buy a brush and tell his wife he ain't quite there yet. It is not like he is agreeing that his boy should have surgery, hormones or anything. Note: random thought - I think a neat twist at the end here is that Gary buys two (male and female oriented) brushes and for that matter commits to two of everything -  (e.g., a GI Joe and a girl's doll, etc) and his compromise is that he will let the boy decide but in all cases he will present the boy options. ....

I do think there is another version that could be written. One where both parents are conflicted about what to do - this is a man vs. wife theme on the issue of their son't gender identity. It would be interesting to see a story where they are not really at odds - just two parents struggling on what to do about this issue that is presented to them.

Anyway - my diatribe for today.





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Scar Tissue Films
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Tough choice.

The problem with waiting is that they become more of what they don't want to be. One they go through puberty, they have more distinctive physical characteristics that they may not want. So waiting can have catastrophic effects as well. No girl wants a hairy chest and face and a big adam's apple.

They do brain scans: The anatomy of the brain is often different...more like the other sex and also do some sort of hormonal check, so that can help make a decision.
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eldave1
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Tough choice indeed - certainly don't envy anyone that has to make it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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